foxh1234 Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Hi everyone. I was sitting here this morning drinking a cup of Java and thinking about the mistakes I have made in this failed relationship and I was kind of beating myself up a bit. In reality it took us both to make this relationship work and it also took us both to break it up. I will accept what I did wrong but it is also important for me to give her credit for her mistakes as well. Always focusing on my end of this has downplayed her part in this thing and that is not fair to me. The bottom line is that we got together and had some great times. We both contributed and both held back things. Near the end we both could have done so much more for each other but we chose not to. It simply was not meant to be for us. All I can do is learn from these mistakes and shortcomings and try to be a better man. I hope she will also learn from her mistakes. Beating ourselves up solves nothing folks. Learning from it and moving forward is all we can do.
0hpenelope Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Fox, I agree. It does no good to beat ourselves up. But I think that it's part of how we heal. I beat myself up for a while, but I stopped. That's the most important part - we stop beating ourselves up.
tealeafbud Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 I wanna beat them both up. Posts like this are simply not helpful and should not be tolerated. As for you fox, I truly know where you are coming from. I've always firmly believed that my ex and I will become better people from our break up. When we broke NC and were talking, she admitted the mistakes she made in our relationship. I also admitted the mistakes I made. She's fortunate enough to have a new love interest where she can carry that new found knowledge, but I really don't buy her "changing". I really just think she's going through the motions. But I digress. For me personally, I've had time to reflect as I'm sure you have. I appreciate your post. thanks.
0hpenelope Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Fox, I agree. It does no good to beat ourselves up. But I think that it's part of how we heal. I beat myself up for a while, but I stopped. That's the most important part - we stop beating ourselves up.
Lookingforward Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 he said it "wasn't anything you did or said'..but that doesn't really help as it doesn't change anything (plus I already knew it wasn't me per se - duh)
LikeCharlotte Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Near the end we both could have done so much more for each other but we chose not to. It simply was not meant to be for us. While I do believe strongly that both people need to do whatever work is needed to make a relationship functional; I am not a subscriber to the notion that things are or are not "meant to be". Love is not fated or destined. People learn to give and take love. You both chose not to do more for each other. It was a choice not a destiny. I think your post is brilliant but I also think that thinking that there is a "way things should be" or a "meant to be" is a destructive way of thinking. Love and life are what we make of them. We make better choices by learning form failures. I beat myself up before the break up and I gave 120% to save it. I was not perfect and I made mistakes but I also know that I did everything I knew how to do. My ex was not willing to put in any more effort. Sometimes it is just that simple.
replicator Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 I agree Charlotte, that love is a choice. It sometimes makes it easier to accept the situation if we tell ourselves this is how it was meant to be. I beat myself up thinking I could have done more, but it was really her who didn't do more. I too gave everything to try to make things work. I gave her unconditional love, but obviously she had some conditions. I raise my glass to you all. Here is to surviving a broken heart.
Author foxh1234 Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 While I do believe strongly that both people need to do whatever work is needed to make a relationship functional; I am not a subscriber to the notion that things are or are not "meant to be". Love is not fated or destined. People learn to give and take love. You both chose not to do more for each other. It was a choice not a destiny. I think your post is brilliant but I also think that thinking that there is a "way things should be" or a "meant to be" is a destructive way of thinking. Love and life are what we make of them. We make better choices by learning form failures. I beat myself up before the break up and I gave 120% to save it. I was not perfect and I made mistakes but I also know that I did everything I knew how to do. My ex was not willing to put in any more effort. Sometimes it is just that simple. Well said, I understand where your coming from.
Lippy2 Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Hi everyone. I was sitting here this morning drinking a cup of Java and thinking about the mistakes I have made in this failed relationship and I was kind of beating myself up a bit. In reality it took us both to make this relationship work and it also took us both to break it up. I will accept what I did wrong but it is also important for me to give her credit for her mistakes as well. Always focusing on my end of this has downplayed her part in this thing and that is not fair to me. The bottom line is that we got together and had some great times. We both contributed and both held back things. Near the end we both could have done so much more for each other but we chose not to. It simply was not meant to be for us. All I can do is learn from these mistakes and shortcomings and try to be a better man. I hope she will also learn from her mistakes. Beating ourselves up solves nothing folks. Learning from it and moving forward is all we can do. Very well said!! We can all learn from out mistakes. Some don't some do.. I choose to be one of them !!
LikeCharlotte Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 I agree Charlotte, that love is a choice. It sometimes makes it easier to accept the situation if we tell ourselves this is how it was meant to be. I beat myself up thinking I could have done more, but it was really her who didn't do more. I too gave everything to try to make things work. I gave her unconditional love, but obviously she had some conditions. I raise my glass to you all. Here is to surviving a broken heart. *raises glass* I agree that it is sometimes easier that way. Over time I've found it easier to accept things that were somewhat with in my control. I think that is the general idea of fox's original post. He has been beating himself up for not doing enough and now he has chosen to take the lesson, share the blame and move on. For you and I replicator it is probably easier to blame choice because we did everything we could and were left anyway. For others like fox (do i have your story right? cheating?) there was cheating or abuse and those things can be so traumatic that it really is easier to blame fate because when you are a victim of that sort of thing it is beyond your control and nearly impossible to accept. It is very common for someone who has been hurt in such a heartless way to blame themselves and internalize the guilt. Sometimes the anger and hurt are so intense that blaming the person who hurt you makes you want to try to understand. It is difficult if not impossible to understand someone who can inflict that sort of pain on another. Thus fate is blamed and I certainly can not fault anyone who choses this route.
tealeafbud Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 While I do believe strongly that both people need to do whatever work is needed to make a relationship functional; I am not a subscriber to the notion that things are or are not "meant to be". Love is not fated or destined. People learn to give and take love. You both chose not to do more for each other. It was a choice not a destiny. I think your post is brilliant but I also think that thinking that there is a "way things should be" or a "meant to be" is a destructive way of thinking. Love and life are what we make of them. We make better choices by learning form failures. I beat myself up before the break up and I gave 120% to save it. I was not perfect and I made mistakes but I also know that I did everything I knew how to do. My ex was not willing to put in any more effort. Sometimes it is just that simple. Excellent post, Charlotte. A lot of people do believe that things are meant to be , or not meant to be, things happen for a reason, etc. Maybe for some things, but not love. You're so right that love is a choice for both parties, and beating yourself up over a broken relationship is pretty much useless. I've done it, and I'm sure that my ex has done it, but we are both better people from it. Ultimately, I truly believe I made the right decision for my own sake. In my situation, our relationship was not salvageable, and this is what I second guess myself on and sometimes beat myself up over. I've been thinking so much lately, but not torturing myself less everyday.
Lookingforward Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 he said it "wasn't anything you did or said'..but that doesn't really help as it doesn't change anything (plus I already knew it wasn't me per se - duh) okay, I take that last part back - (lost my train of thought while posting) - deep DOWN I know it wasn't me, anything I said or did - but that didn't stop me beating myself up for the last year trying to figure out what if I had done this or that differently.......
LikeCharlotte Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Excellent post, Charlotte. A lot of people do believe that things are meant to be , or not meant to be, things happen for a reason, etc. Maybe for some things, but not love. You're so right that love is a choice for both parties, and beating yourself up over a broken relationship is pretty much useless. I've done it, and I'm sure that my ex has done it, but we are both better people from it. Ultimately, I truly believe I made the right decision for my own sake. In my situation, our relationship was not salvageable, and this is what I second guess myself on and sometimes beat myself up over. I've been thinking so much lately, but not torturing myself less everyday.TLB I am glad that you are feeling better. Reading this post made me feel good. I would like to think that my ex will second guess and see that we weren't too far gone but we were just damaged from hitting a tough time so soon and needed a break. Not because I think we should be back together (although I have no idea how I'd actually react to the idea) but because I worry that he will run away too soon in the future and I know he doesn't want to be alone. I care enough still to hope he gets something out our experience. To clarify I think you made the right decision because ultimately you knew that you wanted something different. You chose to allow yourself to find someone that will be more suited to you. You didn't string her along and you thought of both of your happiness. Don't feel guilty about that. If you had decided to leave her because the relationship had a rough patch or because you cheated than you would be a bit more responsible for the demise. You didn't. You decided that you wanted more (commonality, love, respect, kindness) for both of you and set her free. You even went back and resolved everything even though it hurt you to do so. You have nothing to feel bad about. You are a good man. Every "dumper" should be so kindhearted.
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