Nevermind Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Reading Triple Y's post made me uncomfortable. No offense, but I don't want to be like you and I am afraid that I might have done some things that were not okay. I wrote a list: He did (shortened it): - cheat on me, the affair started on my birthday - had the affair, planned a visit to me (long distance) while already with her - went to a holiday with her directly after visiting me (I took him to the train that brought him there. Made him sandwiches for the travel, on his request!) - never had time for me because of an "important exam", made me feel guilty whenever I didn't follow his wishes 100% and whenever I asked him to spend some time on me) - lied to me after I found out (first: "what the **** is that nonsense? I don't know her!" to: "I broke up with her") - kept the lies up, while I was heart-broken and he promised to be honest - brought up suicide while sitting at home playing at his computer (he send me an sms, I was afraid, called him, his home, his grandmother...till I got hold of him finally) - told me he despised me, found me ridiculous and didn't care if I lived or died, when I told him I was close to suicide - went back with her, while he did not know if I was alive or not - wrote me e-mails last week saying he wants us to be together in the future, that he would never forgive himself, and booked a flight with her to the canarias - laughed when I brought the last part up and said I didn't want to get back together, but would like to forgive - when given the option between: honesty and "I never cared about you- **** off", he chose the latter -------------------------------- I did (complete): - read his e-mails (this is how I found out) and skype - changed his passwords, so he would call me (he did) and ask him for the truth (he kept with the lies, I gave his password back, the whole thing took about 90 minutes) - told him that I was thinking about suicide (the truth, but I should have kept the dignity) - wrote an e-mail to his other girlfriend, since she didn't know about me either, and send a copy to him (I didn't want it to look like revenge, though it probably was.) I said that he had another girlfriend and told us the same things. - checked his facebook when he started saying that he would like us to be together again, told him to change his password after - wanted to forgive him --------------------------------------------------------- From the perspective that I have now, I feel terrible about the things I did. To my defense, all of my points, except the last 2 happened in a span of 4 days. It was a crazy pain and I just wanted the truth. However, I should have walked away. This is especially hard to consider, since privacy is really important to me. I did never check his e-mails before that, not once in nearly 2 years. And I really believe I would have stopped, if he had not told me the most idiotic lies. That's an explanation, though not an apology. I feel bad, but not guilty. Maybe if he felt guilty, so could I. But I don't. Triple Y brought me to it..I just see that I handled it just as bad as he did. Maybe I deserved it after all.
foxh1234 Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Every one of us has made mistakes. From this point on, forgive yourself and move forward. This will all pass. You will get past this in time.
tealeafbud Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 nevermind, we all make mistakes. All you can do is learn from them and not do them anymore. To your credit, what you did was not as nearly as bad as what he did to you. He treated you badly and messed with your emotions and cheated on you. I can't think of anything worse. I'm glad that we can all learn from our mistakes and from others' mistakes here in the LS community.
Author Nevermind Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 I feel better. Posting this is a huge step, because I am accepting blame, but I am not taking his part away. I didn't behave right, and I need to work on this (a lot). Before posting, I imagined you would give me a beating for my terrible behaviour.. But I don't want to be a victim anymore, so I need to face the music.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 It was a crazy pain and I just wanted the truth. However, I should have walked away. Maybe I deserved it after all. NM sometimes when you feel crazy like that it is all you can do to control yourself. If you were behaving in this way and it was all paranoid reaction then you would need serious help. You were responding. Your reactions weren't perfect but really not that bad considering your circumstance. It is a good thing that you were introspective enough to look at yourself and see that you should have had more control but honestly people who are grieving or are in pain behave in a million crazy ways and every one of them is perfectly ok. (We are excluding ways of dealing that hurt others or yourself) What you deserve is someone who will treat you fairly and give you love.
Author Nevermind Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 I got an e-mail from her, weeks ago, that I read just now. I was hurt, and I wrote him, that this was cruel. I don't know if they wrote it together. I don't even know why I wrote him. This is what I got: Okay, every single thing i am going to write here is the truth. 1) i never gave her any email address 2) i never wrote any email with her 3) i don't know if she wrote you an email or not and i don't give a **** as you wrote her an email first, so she had every right to write you back. i've had enough of this story. many couples split up and life goes on, but no, you couldn't accept it. you had to break into my email and ims, change my passwords, write an email to a person you don't know, you've never seen and who doesn't know you, then after the breaking up you kept on calling me, writing me bad things and all that stuff. I never did laugh about you, but i am tired to write always the same things. You would just believe what you want and make teather plays in your mind. Do you know what? Now, for the first time, i really don't care. i don't want to hear from you, nor i want to get any email from you.I don't want to read anything like that anymore. Don't even try to call me. Delete my numbers and all of my stuff. you need to make a new start by now, everything has gone way too far and i can't stand that anymore. I have to focus on my studies, i cannot waste time in this way. just forget me. farewell G I never, not once, said anything bad to him. Not one insult. Until today, when I called him a monster. During the entire time, I did not once insult him. Yes, during the 4 days after D-Days I called a lot. But I never once insulted him even then. And I think the calling was very much acceptable. I said that he did break my heart, that I was fighting to get over the hurt, because that way we might even be friends one day. That was it. That was the bad thing. We spoke on the phone one day after that, because he had not passed a test and I actually worried about him. It was a 2 minute call and very civil. I am so angry right now. So incredibly angry. She had no right to do that, and he knows that. He read what I wrote to her. I only informed her that she, just as much as me, had shared a boyfriend without knowing it. I did not use a bad word, nor did I curse her, nor did I ever speak bad about her - neither here nor to him, nor to anybody. This is ridiculous. He just lied to himself about those things. This is... beyond words. Hitting anger phase
serendip Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I got an e-mail from her, weeks ago, that I read just now. I was hurt, and I wrote him, that this was cruel. I don't know if they wrote it together. I don't even know why I wrote him. This is what I got: I never, not once, said anything bad to him. Not one insult. Until today, when I called him a monster. During the entire time, I did not once insult him. Yes, during the 4 days after D-Days I called a lot. But I never once insulted him even then. And I think the calling was very much acceptable. I said that he did break my heart, that I was fighting to get over the hurt, because that way we might even be friends one day. That was it. That was the bad thing. We spoke on the phone one day after that, because he had not passed a test and I actually worried about him. It was a 2 minute call and very civil. I am so angry right now. So incredibly angry. She had no right to do that, and he knows that. He read what I wrote to her. I only informed her that she, just as much as me, had shared a boyfriend without knowing it. I did not use a bad word, nor did I curse her, nor did I ever speak bad about her - neither here nor to him, nor to anybody. This is ridiculous. He just lied to himself about those things. This is... beyond words. Hitting anger phase Just don't contact him anymore...all it does is lead you to more drama and pain. All it does is take you longer to heal. MOVE ON....your ex is not worth your emotions. He doesn't care about you.
Author Nevermind Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 Yes, I will. He obviously recreated the past for him. Where he didn't cheat, and I am apparently a psycho. This is so weird. Anger.
serendip Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Yes, I will. He obviously recreated the past for him. Where he didn't cheat, and I am apparently a psycho. This is so weird. Anger. People will think whatever they want to make themselves feel better. It's a human defense mechanism...you can't control that. What you can control is yourself...and if you contact your ex...it's gonna cause more grief and anger...thus preventing you from moving on. Don't waste your time...it's too precious....life's too short for this type of drama. Your relationship with your ex is BEYOND REPAIR....so LET IT GO.
Author Nevermind Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 Don't worry, I put him on auto-delete. And her, of course.
sailing Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 NM, so sorry about these latest developments - I'm angry too, on your behalf! Even though you are in your right to hit back, defend yourself or demand restitution, I agree with the other posters - try to let it go. You're clearly up against someone who won't accept any blame and you will drive yourself crazy if you try to communicate with him. I think you're very, very brave for opening up and getting all of your hurt and his humiliation out of your system, but when your in this raw state do your best to avoid any further contact. Turn your back on him, her and all of this now. Big hugs!
sailing Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Don't worry, I put him on auto-delete. And her, of course. oh, good news!
Author Nevermind Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 I really do know that checking his e-mails wasn't good. But I owned up to it, I apologized. I meant it. I have been honest throughout the entire time, to him, to the people in rl, and to loveshack. And yet, here he is, rewriting history. People break up all the time? For the record, I broke up, he had an affair. Yet no mentioning of this. He is not able to look at himself in the mirror. Which is why he has to make me the psycho. And she? I never onced said anything bad about her to him or on this board. But now I know that she deserves him. I am through with loving him. And that is good.
sunshinegirl Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 People break up all the time? For the record, I broke up, he had an affair. Yet no mentioning of this. As you might recall, my ex said the same kinds of things to minimize, gloss over, deny, and otherwise avoid facing his wrongdoing. "What happened to us was just life... most relationships don't work out..." What nice philosophizing bull****!!!
Author Nevermind Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 Oh, how "bad" for us to have them out of our lives. Such losers, really...unbelieveable. They cannot love themselves because deep down, they know that they have done wrong. And they have to lie to their own faces, to keep them going. Sad. But no pity from me. sunshinegirl: we are so much not likethem, it's a whole different universe we live in. We don't need those losers. Yet they need other people, because they cannot fill the void in themselves.
sunshinegirl Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Yet they need other people, because they cannot fill the void in themselves. Wow, this might help explain why E has been in a relationship for all but about a year of his adult life - the year immediately after his separation from his wife, and before we started dating me (he's 36!). He even admitted he doesn't know himself. Gee Sherlock, do you think being with hooch is going to help? Huh. Seems more and more clear that he is trying to fill a void, to pick people who have the traits he lacks (true of me and the xw, anyway; no idea about hooch) but then he winds up sucking the life out of those people b/c he can't reciprocate. But you know what? There is some corner of my heart and mind that pities him, feels sad for him, wishes he could unlock his great big padlocked heart. Guess I saw (loved?) his potential...
Author Nevermind Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 Maybe he had a potential, we all do. But...a potential is worth nothing if you don't work on it.
sunshinegirl Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Maybe he had a potential, we all do. But...a potential is worth nothing if you don't work on it. It's more than that, NM: it's always and everywhere a bad idea to fall in love with someone's potential. I have yet to see a case where they ever lived up to it. I just didn't realize I loved his potential. I was trying so hard to love and accept him, as he was, not how I hoped he would be. But now I see that I could have only been happy with him if he had been someone different - i.e. the caring, considerate, communicative guy that I imagined was under the surface somewhere.
Author Nevermind Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 You know...given the entire history of my ex, I am not even entirely sure he isn't your ex also. Sounds so familiar. I know what you mean. I never could have been happy with him, either. I wonder if he really was so bad to begin with, or if he turned this way...after all I did love him without conditions, and he knew it. He could do everything, and basically did, and still be with me. Maybe I made him worse. I think I helped his downfall, but it wasn't caused by me.
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