Osiris_83 Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Hi, I recently posted this situation: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t153589/ about a recent break with my girlfriend of about 2.5 years. I did a bit of the NC thing, but i know that will just drive her away. Today i gave her a ring, just for a harmless chat, but I really had something troubling me ever since we decided a break was a good thing. I wanted to know what she thought of the situation, so I asked her. She didn't like bringing those feelings back but I told her that i just needed to know, just to get it clear in my mind. Was this a bad idea, or was I entitled to at least know what she was thinking? There's soo much other stuff I want to talk to her about, but I don't want to drive her away even further!! I'm not going to call her, waiting for the time she calls me instead this time anyway. Let me know what you think... Thanks again! James
BiAxident Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 I did a bit of the NC thing, but i know that will just drive her away. There's soo much other stuff I want to talk to her about, but I don't want to drive her away even further!! I'm not going to call her, waiting for the time she calls me instead this time anyway. Let me know what you think... Sorry to hear about your dillema. So, one the one hand, you feel that NC will drive her away. At the same time, when you talk to her, you bring up topics which will also drive her away? If she doesn't like talking about the situation, she is likely beyond it and doesn't wish to dicuss details. In other words, she's already "away". My advice? You need to stick with NC, at least untl you can have a conversation with her without bringing up your previous relationship. You needn't concern yourself with driving her away. She's away, my friend, and although I haven't read the details of your situation, I suspect that your actions won't chane that. If she wants to come back, she will.
Author Osiris_83 Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 Hi BiAxident, I thought I'd write her an email telling her exactly how I feel about the whole situation, at least she needs to read it and take it all in. I also want to ask her in the email how she is feeling right now. The thing is, she moved to Sydney for University and it's a completely different life up there, whereas I'm stuck back in Melbourne surrounded by everything that reminds me of her, such as work, friends and everything really. I don't think she truly understands how I am feeling, and how it's actually harder for me to move on. We had a very mature relationship, we had the rare fight, usually about stupid stuff, but we were always soo damn happy. I guess only time will tell if you wants to come back or not. I think the distance thing is really screwing things up. She actually said that when she moved away it gave her time to think, and she believed it was time for a break. It's weird though, when i went and saw her a while ago when she started feeling that way, we relaxed and stuff happened and that old familiar feeling that we shared was there. I think her being away is doing something, not sure what it is, but when i'm with her and we relax it's like it was how it used to be. She's coming home at the end of June, any suggestions as to what i should be doing when she comes back? Should i suggest we do things like we used to do together?
BiAxident Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 You said that she "didnt like bringing those feelings back". So my advice is to not write her any e-mail if you're going to be ruminating over your breakup. In addition, when she comes back in June, I would advise you to live your life without her. Not only would I not suggest you do things like you "used to do together", I wouldn't suggested doing anything with her. No hanging out, no dinner and a movie, no e-mail, no telephone, no hand written letters, smoke signals, morse code, or sign language. No contact!
Author Osiris_83 Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 Wouldn't that just drive her away even further? I'm afraid that if I did that she would think of me being an absolute a-hole and would never consider getting back together in the future. I love her more than anything, last thing i would like to do to her is hurt her. Is there any other way???
BiAxident Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 You are "listening to your heart" on this one. She has told you that she does not wish to think about the reasons that she left you, or how she feels know that she has done it. In addition, she is in a different city, at a different university, with different men. What reason, other than the blind faith of a broken man, do you have to believe she wants to reunite with you? If she has ever had her heart broken, then she understands how you feel. On the other hand, if she has never had her heart broken, then she is not capable of understanding how you feel. Either way, there is no reason for you to elaborate on the matter. I suspect that she knows you are hurting badly as a result of her decision, and that she is sorry you're hurting, but it isn't going to change her mind. Is finding that out going to make you feel better? If you think you can sustain a friendship with your ex, without secretly harboring a desire for things to go back to "the way they were", then by all means go right ahead. You will be in the minority. Judging by your posts on this site, you aren't ready for that. Will NC drive her away? Perhaps. Is that a bad thing? Perhaps not. She'll be going back to "university" in the Fall anyways, correct? Look at it this way: you have two positive possible objectives in this situation. One, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on with your life. Two, you win her back. Now both of these outcomes require the same action on your part. Broken men are desperate men, and desperate men are not appealing to women. Especially women who have a university full of potential men. You my friend are, for now, broken. Use the power of NC, or at least no first contact, and work on yourself. In addition ponder this.. even if you won her back, what's to say it would last the second time?
Author Osiris_83 Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 Thanks again BiAxident, made me feel a lot better about it to-be-honest. I guess my ex and I share something really special, it's really hard to explain, but it was like we didn't have to try and be together, everything was sooo natural. Every now and then I feel ok about it, I feel I can be her friend, and IF things were to change i would welcome it. I'm going to get on with my life and meet new people and catch up with old mates. She wants to call me later in the week, should i not answer? How does the NC thing work if she's prepared to ring me?? I really appreciate all your thoughts on this, it's really helping
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