FlyingToaster Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Hello, I need some advice. My husband and I just recently celebrated our 4th year anniversary, but it wasn't a happy one. I really believe he has some issues that only counseling will resolve. When we were dating, I fell in love with his gentleness, his ability to listen, his passion for flying (he's a pilot by profession, but owns a couple of planes with his brothers as well), and his attentiveness, to name a few traits. I understood that he loved me for my musical talent, culinary skills, my kindness, and wit, including my ability to comeback with a one-liner that would make people laugh and also put them at ease. What I've found out since we've been married is that my husband will bend over backwards to accomodate his family, and it's at the cost of our relationship and the relationship of our now 22 month old son. His mother is very emotionally dependant, and he when he's not working (his schedule is 7 days home, 7 days gone), he has to go see her every day. She's even scheduled appts. during their usual visit time, and if she doesn't get to see him, she gets upset. Along with that visit, she calls him 2 or 3 times during the day, and she's even called as early as 7:45 am. What is also very irritating is that it's not so much that she wants her son to visit as it's that she needs somebody to fill a time-slot in her 'I'm so lonely' schedule. She's left messages that make you think she's really down and when my husband actually calls her, she's sometimes almost annoyed that he called because she now has another visitor. Before we got married, my husband was the 'go-to guy'. If somebody needed help with something, he was the one they called. Unfortunately, they still call on him and he's still willing to drop everything for them. About 2 months after our son was born we went to visit my family (3 hrs. away). On the way home, he got a call from his brother saying that they had to put their beloved dog to sleep. As soon as we got home, my husband left to go help them bury it. Meanwhile I was left to unload the vehicle, unpack the suitcases and watch and feed our son. Another thing I've seen with this family is that they will bend over backwards to accommodate somebody's needs/desires without taking into account that it involves more than just them to get the task done, and they expect everybody else to just follow suit. Example: soon after our son was born, my MIL fell down and broke her hip (she's 87, which I'm reminded of quite often). A few months later, my husband's twin brother came to visit with his two kids. They stayed at her house. As they were leaving, they brought her along with them to our house just so that she could get her last good-byes in, and then we had to deal with getting her back home. Why couldn't she have just said her good-byes at home and be done with it? Whenever I tell him about these things, he gets very defensive. My wit that he so loved in the past has gotten me in trouble. I'll make some smart comment to the family about their behavior (not to hurt, but to give them a wake up call), and he'll get ticked about that as well. What compounds this is that he doesn't necessarily tell me that he's upset right away. He just keeps it inside and lets it fester for a few days before he says anything, and then he has a STF (sh*t tossing fit). During those times he says very hurtful things. Other times he gets some idea in his head and it ends up keeping both of us awake at night and I'm left cut to the bone. One instance was about 7 months after we were married. We were showering together and then all of a sudden he got real quiet. He looked off into the distance and then immediately had to get out. After taking forever to coax it out of him, I found out that he didn't like the dark hair on my upper lip (I hadn't had the chance to bleach it as soon as I normally do). Just like his mother, every incident, even though it's happening to somebody else, is about him. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes with our son and he got in his head that our son could have diabetes (not true). All the way home he was concerened about how it affected him. He said, "If he has diabetes then he can't be a pilot. I don't know what kind of father I'll be if he's diabetic." Oh, please! His twin brother is divorced and now remarried. Everything that has happened to him with his wives my husband tries to find in our marriage. His first wife wouldn't let him do much recreational flying, so I get the "All I want to do is fly." His twin's new wife has 2 kids from a previous marriage. They are both overweight (I'm a little heavy myself, but my husband is reed thin). Just recently, my husband freaked out because he didn't want us to go to the Cheesecake Factory in the city we were visiting because he was afraid we'd stuff ourselves. He got this from his brother. His wife's kids will go out to eat with their dad at where else but the ol' CF and they bring home tons of food and usually end up eating it the same night they brought it home. With that same incident, he told me that he was afraid I would become morbidly obese like one of my cousins. He said he didn't understand why we bought a bike and a pull-behind carrier for our son because I hadn't been using it. Part of it was because of the weather, but part of it was because we spend all our time when he's home doing his tasks that I don't have time for myself. I truly get more things done when he's gone than when he's home 'cause it's all about him during that time. I also don't trust him to watch our son because he has a tendency to space off. Too many times I've seen him looking off in the distance and see our son get hurt. Whenever he wants to end an argument, he says one of the following: I can't do anything right I'm an idiot I'm a lousy husband/father I can't win The other option is to yell a swear word loudly. Another option is to apologize initially and then use it against me later. From what I understand is that when my husband and his twin were born and growing up, his mother had some issues with depression along with health issues like hypertension (she was 40 when they were born). Quite a lot of their care was done by their sister who was 14 when they were born. In fact, their sister had to come back every weekend when she was in college to clean the house. She was also the one that packed their suitcases when they went on vacation because it was too overwhelming for their mother. Because of their mother's delicate condition, I don't feel they got the attention they needed and deserved during those early years. I think what's happening now with my husband is that he's trying to get whatever approval/attention he can from ANY family member, even if it's at the expense of his wife and child. Their father, not wanting to get their mother upset, would tell them "Don't upset your mother." Quite often they would keep things bottled up. That's now what I have to deal with. Over time their father started exploding over the littlest things and that's now what my husband does. Along with that, I think another thing they picked up from their father was that he would try so hard to accommodate people (mainly his wife), and it was always beyond what would be 'just acceptable'. Eventually people got to thinking that that was normal instead of exceptional, and he never got rewarded for it. This would make him angry. My husband does the same thing. I'm at a point where all the mean and hurtful things he's done has taken it's toll. I don't feel I can be myself around him. It seems like everything he liked about me before he's criticizing. I don't know what will set him off, and I don't feel like I can tell him my feelings without having them used against me. What's also irritating is that some of the things he's criticized me about he does the same thing. Our house isn't neat and tidy. Quite frankly we don't have enough room for everything to be in it's place. He focuses on what I have out of place when in fact he has just as many things that are in the same situation. I've told him I want us to move, and we have valid reasons to do so (house is too small, schools aren't that great, the town is somewhat remote), but he's really fighting it. He knows that we really should, but he says that our little airport means so much to his family, that he would like to keep it in the family. What angers me is that I've hardly ever seen his family come out to help us maintain this airport. I would like us to move to my hometown. They help out so much with our son, and are definitely more positive than his family. His brother just adores our son, but he and his wife are so disrespectful to each other that I don't want our son to witness that. I've suggested going to marriage counseling, but he's very opposed to it. Since it supposedly didn't work for his twin brother in his first marriage, he doesn't see how it could help us. Also, he saw a 'Nanny 911' episode where the parents were therapists and the father especially was a real jerk and was always challenging the nanny. Because of that, all counselors to him are bad. Along those same lines, when he heard that my sister's high school sweetheart was something of a bully at times, he thinks that our son will encounter bullies at my alma mater as well. So if you haven't fallen asleep yet or lost interest, I would like to know how much of a baby I am, and if any of you have encountered a person like my husband and suggest a new approach to our problems. Thanks
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