porto26 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I have read many stories in this forum, and wanted to share my recent break up story. I dated this girl for one year and a half, we were friends before for many years, It was the most amazing time. Like my other relationships resulting in fighting and disrespect we had a mature relationship. We never fought or disrespected each other in any kind of way, every thing was great. One night after watching a movie with her she calls me later in the evening, trying to explain and telling me that she wanted to be on a break, meaning break up. I asked her what the reason was although she was trying not to be straight forward with me she told me as many of you guys heard before that "I love you but I dont think I am in love with you" She broke up with me two days before my GRE grad school exam. I was freaking pissed, wanted to know what was going on with her. I emailed, text, called but never got closure or my questions answered. I tried to forget about her rescheduled my exam, then she started contacting me back. Being still in love with her I thought we could meet up and discuss what was going on in our lives. Although we tried scheduling twice to meet each other she bailed on me both times. The second time she didn't even show up, call or text that she wasn't coming. Made me feel like a looser, waiting for her. I have initiated the NC, but damn its hard I still love this woman. I never got my heart broken before, always could sense problems etc and would steer away. Being a perfectionist type of person I am always used to winning-succeeding in life, I felt that I failed in every category with this woman. I am trying to completely erase her from my mind/life, but I have a feeling she will come back.. I do not truly know how to deal with this since there was no closure addressed to our breakup.
kizik Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 "I love you but I dont think I am in love with you" These are the words that are probably the hardest to hear in life. These, and "I don't love you anymore." You got your heart broken. I am so incredibly sorry. Everyone on this forum knows exactly what you're talking about. It's the worst pain in the world, and if you let it, it will destroy your self-image and self-esteem. The key right now is to realize IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Women change their minds about things and people, and there's nothing you can do about it. No amount of calling or emailing will bring that person back; it will actually just distance them. So for now, you need to stay away from her completely. No Contact. It's going to hurt a lot. You're going to want to call her, and suppressing that urge will take a lot of willpower. But you can do it. I'm terribly sorry for your loss, man. There's a lot of great support you can get here at LS.
Author porto26 Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 ^ Thanks for the advice, you are right women change their minds all the time. The problem here is that she had a mind set with us, she always would try to bring up our future etc. Her friend were all jealous of how well I treated her, She had everything! I never did so much for a woman I have dated before. I don't regret loving her, I regret thinking that she was in love with me. I learned a lot! Although it it painful right now I don't think I lost anything valuable out of it.. I see it as just another curve ball life throws at you, testing your abilities to adapt and move on.
Nevermind Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 It's not about women, it's about human beings. Men can change their mind just as well. I am sorry to hear about it, porto. Shortly before the exams as well! But you seem to be having a healthy attitude about it. That's good! You will soon feel better.
Trialbyfire Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Talk about selfish behaviour to break up with you three days before your exam. I consider you lucky to have escaped her. Don't ever take her back if she begs, otherwise you're in for more of the same.
0hpenelope Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I have initiated the NC, but damn its hard I still love this woman. I never got my heart broken before, always could sense problems etc and would steer away. Being a perfectionist type of person I am always used to winning-succeeding in life, I felt that I failed in every category with this woman. I am trying to completely erase her from my mind/life, but I have a feeling she will come back.. I do not truly know how to deal with this since there was no closure addressed to our breakup. Initiating some tough love here, porto. You have to start treating that "feeling" as an assumption. If you're going to let the "She's going to come back, I just feel it," thoughts perpetuate, you're going to stay stuck. You're just going to hinder your healing process, not push it along. I advocate NC, but I've come to realize that it's not for everyone. I will be one of the forces on these boards to tell those who decided on NC to try harder, to apply a little more force behind their efforts. If they can honestly and truly tell themselves that "I've tried NC and it's really not working," that they didn't give up on NC because they "couldn't" (I don't use the word "hate" often, but I tell you that I hate the words "I can't") handle it... then start looking for other alternatives. You decided on NC? Damn right it's hard! You're ejecting someone out of your life that you've had a prolonged attachment to. Even Superman barely survived without Lois Lane when he knew how it was like to have her and was placed in a situation where he could lose her. I know he's fictional, but I know you get my analogy. I do not understand closure. She can explain to you in however many ways she can why she broke things off and you're still not going to be happy. No answer can satisfy. I don't understand this closure thing from people because I've always thought that closure is something that I can only give myself, just like forgiving someone is a gift to myself. It's the way I've always approached break-ups where I was the one left behind and I'm no less happier nor dissatisfied in life. I think this is because I make the best out of whatever situation I'm placed in. If I'm sad, then dammit even if I'm not ready to I will try & hang out with my friends to make me happy. Life is just too short. Period. Right now... your attention should be on grad school. The things that you're going to get out of grad school are much more valuable than the distractions you're receiving from this heartbreak. If it would help, allot your time to grieve and then to re-focus. Grieve for as long as you need because you really can't study for the GREs with a shoddy state of mind and your concentration clouded by emotion. I'm trying to complete my Pharmacy program and my break-up totally set my plans back by about a year. I'm so angry at myself for letting that happen. But like I said... make the best out of the situation we're in. Finally, I'm sorry about your break-up. You have my sympathy. It's really hard to envision the future without her in your life (for me without him in mine) and whether or not that's how it's got to be... I'm not sure. We can't waste our time on pondering uncertainties. There's too much sh*t to be done and we have a life to live well - without them. The best revenge is a life well-lived. And if our exes see how happy we are after what we did to us? Yeah, well. That's what they didn't want. Good luck to you.
kizik Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I love 0hpenelope! I'm going to re-read the above post every day for the next 6 months.
DazedandConfuzed Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I have read many stories in this forum, and wanted to share my recent break up story. I dated this girl for one year and a half, we were friends before for many years, It was the most amazing time. Like my other relationships resulting in fighting and disrespect we had a mature relationship. We never fought or disrespected each other in any kind of way, every thing was great. One night after watching a movie with her she calls me later in the evening, trying to explain and telling me that she wanted to be on a break, meaning break up. I asked her what the reason was although she was trying not to be straight forward with me she told me as many of you guys heard before that "I love you but I dont think I am in love with you" She broke up with me two days before my GRE grad school exam. I was freaking pissed, wanted to know what was going on with her. I emailed, text, called but never got closure or my questions answered. I tried to forget about her rescheduled my exam, then she started contacting me back. Being still in love with her I thought we could meet up and discuss what was going on in our lives. Although we tried scheduling twice to meet each other she bailed on me both times. The second time she didn't even show up, call or text that she wasn't coming. Made me feel like a looser, waiting for her. I have initiated the NC, but damn its hard I still love this woman. I never got my heart broken before, always could sense problems etc and would steer away. Being a perfectionist type of person I am always used to winning-succeeding in life, I felt that I failed in every category with this woman. I am trying to completely erase her from my mind/life, but I have a feeling she will come back.. I do not truly know how to deal with this since there was no closure addressed to our breakup. Sadly, she wants you around when there is nothing/noone else around. Keeping you on the sideline and not as her focus. Speaking from experience, my last husband did that to me, 2 years after the divorce I was still a phone call away, and he knew it. He took advantage of it and I still longed for him, but finally decided to get over him. It's a long, hard road and one I wouldn't want anyone else to have to walk, but you'll have too. Keep your mind occupied, find a hobby, learn to shoot pool ... but find SOMETHING to keep the memories away. By now, you've forgotten the bad, and living in the good and you're stuck on a roller coaster that never ends. Get a hold of yourself, keep her out of your life and give it some time, you will get over her and you will move on. Good luck to you!
sid3 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I agree with Kizik, very good advice there O. No contact gets so much easier as time passes. The only thing is, before it gets easier it gets much harder. There's the rub. Bying doing n/c your taking back control.
Bright Shadow Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I asked her what the reason was although she was trying not to be straight forward with me she told me as many of you guys heard before that "I love you but I dont think I am in love with you" I concur with much of what's been said here. NC is the way to go. But there's a deeper issue - why did she lose her attraction to you? I don't necessarily agree with the contention that it's just a woman changing her mind. After your exams are finished, you should go back and try to work out why that happened. It will serve you well in the future.
Author porto26 Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 I concur with much of what's been said here. NC is the way to go. But there's a deeper issue - why did she lose her attraction to you? I don't necessarily agree with the contention that it's just a woman changing her mind. After your exams are finished, you should go back and try to work out why that happened. It will serve you well in the future. I want to thank you all you guys for your support and replies. Shadow. The problem with her as far as I think was that she wanted stability, a family something in the next 1-2 years. We talked about this and I agreed, I am not scared of commitments. Grad School for me will take another 4 years. She probably didn't want to wait that long.. which makes me think she never loved me form the beginning. I loved her unconditionally no matter with everything that went on in her life (medical issues etc). I cared about this woman and I thought she felt the same way. Thats the mistake I made I was to deeply in love and took her word "I love you" for granted.
hip chick Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 I'm sorry you are hurting. However, relationships don't always work out. She can't help it that she realized that she was no longer in love with you. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or her. She just realized that you weren't the guy she was looking for in a life partner, and she didn't have the feelings she was supposed to have to continue with the relationship. Nothing wrong with that.
Nemo Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 What you're describing is the classic "goodbye screw." Happens all the time.
Bright Shadow Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 She probably didn't want to wait that long.. which makes me think she never loved me form the beginning. I loved her unconditionally no matter with everything that went on in her life (medical issues etc). I cared about this woman and I thought she felt the same way. Thats the mistake I made I was to deeply in love and took her word "I love you" for granted. You guys were together for 18 months which makes me think she did love you, at least for some time. Give yourself credit for that. But I get worried by words like unconditionally. It's like giving her a license to behave any way she wants. You have to set some boundaries in a relationship. Here's a suggestion. Get a copy of "Gone with the Wind" and watch it. See how the two main men in Scarlett's life walk away or tell her off when she starts misbehaving. And that only makes her want them more.
ozira Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 OHPENELOPE, I''ll print your post out and hang it on my mirror!!! Thanks for the wisdom!!!
Author porto26 Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 What you're describing is the classic "goodbye screw." Happens all the time. yeah it happened before but not so unexpectedly. The problem is that I didn't see it coming.
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