jm842 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 .....but I feel I really to need share this so I can get some much needed advice. My gf and I met when we first started college and at first she wasnt looking for a realtionship, but eventually she fell for me. We have been dating for about a year and six months, but we have only been physically with each other for the first 3 months of our relationship because she went back home. We havent seen each other since because it is very difficult for me to go anywhere since i dont get a whole summer off for school. Plus I cant afford to pay 150+ a night for a motel room. Even after she left it was still going well. We talked a lot everyday like and she liked to talk about having a future together. Anyways, about a few months ago, she began to tell me that she doesn't feel the same about me anymore. But then a week later she took it back n said she still loves me the same way she did before. But about a month ago, a guy she messed around with(just making out) in high school out of nowhere contacted her because he came back into town. And this guy is a real player. They hung out a few times, and he constantly tells her that he misses her, loves her, and wants to be with her. And that's when about 2 weeks ago she told me she might still has some feelings for him. Despite the fact that she told me she hated him for the type of person he is since she knew he slept with a lot of girls. And we both know he's playing games because he's doing the reappearing/disappearing act. And just this morning, she told me she made out with him 2 days ago in her apartment... to a point where they almost had sex, but then she stopped him. She said she regretted it, but that still doesnt change the fact that it happened. I dont know what to do. I love her but I feel she doesn't love me the same way at this point. I want to have a future with her, but if she doesnt feel the same way i feel i cant let her go, and i dont want to face that fact. She told me that she didn't love him, and that she hated him, and yet still has some sort of feelings for him. So could it be that she just misses the physically attention? ANY advice would be great. Thanks.
TMichaels Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Welcome to the forum, JM842... Sorry to hear about the problem you are having with your g/f. On the good side, it sounds like the two of you regularly talk to one another and not only that, it seems like she is not trying to hide anything from you by letting you know how she's feeling about what's going on in her life. It sounds to me like she's conflicted about her feelings for you and this other guy. She may very well still care for you a great deal, but here's this guy dancing around in front of her saying and doing the kinds of things she may be wishing you could/would. It's possible her honesty may be an attempt (even subconsciously) to get you "to step up to the plate" and fight for her heart. I understand the reason why you can't afford the time or money to go see her, but does your g/f also go to school all summer? Would it be possible for her to come visit you for a week or so in the break between summer and fall? If not, could you not afford to just spend a weekend together? Do you know anyone where she lives (friends/relatives) with whom you could stay to keep costs down? Do either of you happen to belong to a fraternity/sorority that would make it possible for one of you to lodge at a sister/brother organization in each other's college town? I really think your relationship is suffering from a lack of in-person contact. You were only together three months before going LD -- and have been apart five times as long. Actually, you've done remarkably well considering how little/often you've seen each other and that speaks very well for your relationship. However... If you really care for this girl and want the relationship to continue, I think it's time you make the effort to see each other one-on-one. "Absence may make the heart grow fonder," but if you're not careful a LDR can transition into a case of "out of sight, out of mind." All the best, TMichaels
Author jm842 Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 Welcome to the forum, JM842... Sorry to hear about the problem you are having with your g/f. On the good side, it sounds like the two of you regularly talk to one another and not only that, it seems like she is not trying to hide anything from you by letting you know how she's feeling about what's going on in her life. It sounds to me like she's conflicted about her feelings for you and this other guy. She may very well still care for you a great deal, but here's this guy dancing around in front of her saying and doing the kinds of things she may be wishing you could/would. It's possible her honesty may be an attempt (even subconsciously) to get you "to step up to the plate" and fight for her heart. I understand the reason why you can't afford the time or money to go see her, but does your g/f also go to school all summer? Would it be possible for her to come visit you for a week or so in the break between summer and fall? If not, could you not afford to just spend a weekend together? Do you know anyone where she lives (friends/relatives) with whom you could stay to keep costs down? Do either of you happen to belong to a fraternity/sorority that would make it possible for one of you to lodge at a sister/brother organization in each other's college town? I really think your relationship is suffering from a lack of in-person contact. You were only together three months before going LD -- and have been apart five times as long. Actually, you've done remarkably well considering how little/often you've seen each other and that speaks very well for your relationship. However... If you really care for this girl and want the relationship to continue, I think it's time you make the effort to see each other one-on-one. "Absence may make the heart grow fonder," but if you're not careful a LDR can transition into a case of "out of sight, out of mind." All the best, TMichaels Sorry I didn't know how to use the multi-quote. She lives in NY and I don't know anyone that lives there. She's resuming school in August and neither one of us are in a fraternity or sorority. The main thing is that her mom is extremely strict. But she also recently told me her mom will be going to a wedding in Seattle in July for a week. So I'm going to talk to her about coming to visit me. Because if I go to her I will only be able to stay for the weekend since I'm still in school. There has been many occasions where we talked about flying to one another, but when I tell her to talk to her sister to help her out (not financially) she would always say "ok" but she never does. Or she does but the plan doesn't follow through because she's afraid that her mom might find out. But I honestly don't think it's because she doesn't want to see me. Now that her mother is going out of town for a week next month, I see no excuse for her not to come. And if for some reason she doesn't make it... should I end it since she didn't put any effort into visiting me?
TMichaels Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 The main thing is that her mom is extremely strict. But she also recently told me her mom will be going to a wedding in Seattle in July for a week. So I'm going to talk to her about coming to visit me. Because if I go to her I will only be able to stay for the weekend since I'm still in school. There has been many occasions where we talked about flying to one another, but when I tell her to talk to her sister to help her out (not financially) she would always say "ok" but she never does. Or she does but the plan doesn't follow through because she's afraid that her mom might find out. But I honestly don't think it's because she doesn't want to see me. Not sure what you mean by your g/f coming out to see you while her mother is at a wedding in Seattle. Do you live in Seattle, so that your g/f would be accompanying her mother on the trip and see you in the bargain, or are you saying your g/f would come see you while her mother was out of town? If it's the former, that sounds like a good plan. If it's the latter, I think that's a bad idea. If her mother is as strict as you say, she IS NOT going to be happy to learn her daughter snuck off to see you while she was away. Such deceit would probably result in her forbidding her daughter to see you indefinitely -- which would be a worse dilemma than the one you're facing right now. A side note... IF your g/f's mother is so strict and seems to monitor her every move, how does your g/f manage to have a guy over to her apartment, and almost have intercourse with him? That just doesn't seem to add up to me. (?) Now that her mother is going out of town for a week next month, I see no excuse for her not to come. And if for some reason she doesn't make it... should I end it since she didn't put any effort into visiting me? I agree, the fact that she doesn't seem to be willing to put any effort into visiting you is disheartening, but by the same token, you haven't visited her either -- and if you think about it, her reasons are just as much an obstacle as yours... I think the two of you need to have an open and honest conversation -- not about her coming out to see you, per se, but what's the game plan here in general as in: What is the ultimate goal of your relationship? How does this ex-boyfriend factor into the equation? If she's serious about you, why does she never follow through on any plans to get together? Does she agree that spending more time together is important to the health of your relationship? If so, how are the two of you going to manage that? Once you've had a serious discussion about things, you'll be in a better position to decide whether you want to continue the relationship or not. At least this way you have a chance at gaining a better understanding of what's going on in her head vs. making a rash decision based on her somewhat puzzling behavior. Best of luck! All the best, TMichaels
LL23 Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 I have to say i can relate to your situation almost identically in a lot of ways. Me and my ex were together for awhile and it became LD. Our issue was that he didnt have a penny to his name and I was working full time. So, I was the one who visited him and almost had resentment that he wasnt coming and visiting me. We both had excusable reasons and we both really wanted to see eachother badly. I think her talking to this ex and hooking up with him shows she is confused. I dont agree with it but you have to remember this guy is right in front of her and seeing someone in person always has a stronger effect. I did the same thing. My ex came into the picture and for a brief minute I was confused cause I was so stressed from the LD relationship. Also, his mother didnt want him to be in a LD relationship so that was against me. So my point of this story is that I ended up breaking up with him because he wasnt visiting. 2 months later I regretted it and 4 months after that I moved down there and he was with someone new whom he really cared for. It broke my heart, so go out of your way if yuo really love this girl or care for her and maybe surprise her with a visit. Do everything you can to see her as much as you can, and dont worry about her input, until youve done everything you can do. Things will probly work out to your advantage
Author jm842 Posted June 4, 2008 Author Posted June 4, 2008 sorry i havent been on. i had no power for 2 days. Tmichaels, what i meant was that she would come see me while her mother is out of town. Every so often she would also go to NJ to help bring her sister's mother-in-law to the hospital. And that's when her sister would come into play to cover for her when in reality she is actually in Tulsa. I dont know why doesnt want to come to me. I know she doesnt like Tulsa, but i honestly dont believe she should be considering that as a factor for not coming. Her mother works during the day. And supposedly they were going to just hang out at Dunkin Donuts to chat. But obviously something happened where they both ended up at herapartment. At this point in our relationship we were "supposedly" on good terms. And 2 days before this happened i told her that if he ever showed up at her door while she was home alone, dont let him in. Because i know he will try things. She replied "ok, i promise" And what do you know... 2 days later thats where they are. I agree, I havent visited her neither. But i just kno it would be better if she came here. Because here i have a car and i can do so much more for her. We would also be able to spend more time with each other than if i went to visit her. It is not because I dont want to spend money to fly there either. I am willing to pay for her ticket. Also, i have another thing to add. After she had told me what happened i wanted to ask her addition questions about the whole ordeal because im the type of guy who likes to know EVERYTHING. She told me the basic story, but there was still details i wanted to kno. But she replied by sayin "what happened, happened. And i dont want to remember it." This especially sucks for me because now im stuck wondering, Did he do this? Did he do that? What if this happened? How did this lead to that? How exactly did he do it? What did she do? You know, things that I'm just curious and yet dying to know. And its killing me not knowing all the details. So my question is, should i leave it alone and always wonder? or pursue the answers to my curiosity? Again, thanks for all your advice
Author jm842 Posted June 4, 2008 Author Posted June 4, 2008 I have to say i can relate to your situation almost identically in a lot of ways. Me and my ex were together for awhile and it became LD. Our issue was that he didnt have a penny to his name and I was working full time. So, I was the one who visited him and almost had resentment that he wasnt coming and visiting me. We both had excusable reasons and we both really wanted to see eachother badly. I think her talking to this ex and hooking up with him shows she is confused. I dont agree with it but you have to remember this guy is right in front of her and seeing someone in person always has a stronger effect. I did the same thing. My ex came into the picture and for a brief minute I was confused cause I was so stressed from the LD relationship. Also, his mother didnt want him to be in a LD relationship so that was against me. So my point of this story is that I ended up breaking up with him because he wasnt visiting. 2 months later I regretted it and 4 months after that I moved down there and he was with someone new whom he really cared for. It broke my heart, so go out of your way if yuo really love this girl or care for her and maybe surprise her with a visit. Do everything you can to see her as much as you can, and dont worry about her input, until youve done everything you can do. Things will probly work out to your advantage im sorry things turned out that way for u. As of now she is waiting for her mom to tell her what date she wants her flight booked at. So once she does, she will let me know, and we will discuss whether she is going to visit me, or if i will be visiting her. I agree with what you said about having a stronger effect when someone is physically there. When her ex showed up out of nowhere she told me he began to question her about our relationship, and thats what got her thinking about us, in a negative way. He would continously tell her things she liked to hear. And since he is there in person i guess it was appealing to her because we havent seen each other in a year and 4 months. I hope us seeing each other is all she needs to bring a stop to her confusion. Despite what she has done, I still love her, and want to be with her.
Author jm842 Posted June 6, 2008 Author Posted June 6, 2008 sorry i havent been on. i had no power for 2 days. Tmichaels, what i meant was that she would come see me while her mother is out of town. Every so often she would also go to NJ to help bring her sister's mother-in-law to the hospital. And that's when her sister would come into play to cover for her when in reality she is actually in Tulsa. I dont know why doesnt want to come to me. I know she doesnt like Tulsa, but i honestly dont believe she should be considering that as a factor for not coming. Her mother works during the day. And supposedly they were going to just hang out at Dunkin Donuts to chat. But obviously something happened where they both ended up at herapartment. At this point in our relationship we were "supposedly" on good terms. And 2 days before this happened i told her that if he ever showed up at her door while she was home alone, dont let him in. Because i know he will try things. She replied "ok, i promise" And what do you know... 2 days later thats where they are. I agree, I havent visited her neither. But i just kno it would be better if she came here. Because here i have a car and i can do so much more for her. We would also be able to spend more time with each other than if i went to visit her. It is not because I dont want to spend money to fly there either. I am willing to pay for her ticket. Also, i have another thing to add. After she had told me what happened i wanted to ask her addition questions about the whole ordeal because im the type of guy who likes to know EVERYTHING. She told me the basic story, but there was still details i wanted to kno. But she replied by sayin "what happened, happened. And i dont want to remember it." This especially sucks for me because now im stuck wondering, Did he do this? Did he do that? What if this happened? How did this lead to that? How exactly did he do it? What did she do? You know, things that I'm just curious and yet dying to know. And its killing me not knowing all the details. So my question is, should i leave it alone and always wonder? or pursue the answers to my curiosity? Again, thanks for all your advice *Update* Well i asked her the questions i wanted the answers to and she was willing to answer. Found out a thing or two that hurt me a little more, but i would rather know about it than not. I dont really understand myself at this point. When I'm to myself and not talkin to her in anyway whether it's on the phone or texting, I'm mad and upset at her for what she did. But when we do talk on the phone, I find myself just kind of ignoring it and and talkin normally to her instead.. most of the time.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 I think her talking to this ex and hooking up with him shows she is confused. I dont agree with it but you have to remember this guy is right in front of her and seeing someone in person always has a stronger effect. I did the same thing. My ex came into the picture and for a brief minute I was confused cause I was so stressed from the LD relationship. Also, his mother didnt want him to be in a LD relationship so that was against me. LL, She is not confused! She is simply lacking as a person. JM, Listen friend! If she can't stay faithful to you now... she can't do it later either. It all comes down to what is inside of a person. Fact is that if you did get her back... then you can't leave her alone 10 minutes without having to worry that she might get "confused". Look, your in college. There are plenty of girls there... go find one that is made of better stuff.
Author jm842 Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 well.. my pockets took a heavy blow, but at this point i dont care. i finally booked my ticket and i will be seeing her next month for the first time in about a year and 6 months
TMichaels Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 well.. my pockets took a heavy blow, but at this point i dont care. i finally booked my ticket and i will be seeing her next month for the first time in about a year and 6 months Good for you, jm842! Hopefully, seeing and having a chance to talk with your g/f in person will help clarify a few things and get your relationship back on track. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you! All the best, TMichaels
Author jm842 Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 Good for you, jm842! Hopefully, seeing and having a chance to talk with your g/f in person will help clarify a few things and get your relationship back on track. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you! All the best, TMichaels thanks, i appreciate all ur helpful input. i too hope that this is what we need to get things back to the way they were before.
Recommended Posts