whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 I know he married the wrong person and got married too young. He is going to do what he has to do to make a change in his life. Then leave him alone, go NC, focus on YOU and YOUR LIFE and let him mind his. IF he is really IS going to divorce, you cannot be in his life. He needs to deal with this his own way and not have to answer to anyone about why it's taking so long or whatever the reason is he isn't leaving and divorcing...IF he truly wants you, he'll do it and then come looking for you afterwards. IF by that time you've moved on, he should be happy either way because he's out of his marriage, away from someone he does not love. It shouldn't matter if you are there or not, if he hates his wife and is in a miserable marriage, he'll leave because he wants to, not because he has to...Make sense?
White Flower Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 I think if you are really worried about your families views on divorced people then they don't need to know about that. If you 2 end up married a few years down the road then fine but all of his past is not necessary to disclose to your family. If he is a good person and good to you that is all they need to know. you said he wants to start a new chapter in his life with you then let him bury the last one. Porter, I am impressed with you. I read about you on another thread and know that you are/were a BW. I think it takes a lot of discernment to be able to see beyond your own story and attached pain to help advice someone else in a similar yet opposite situation. Really good advice.
White Flower Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Do you think I should not mention him seeking MC again? I feel like they should at least try to work things out and if they don't then we can discuss our future together. He says the love they have is "sibling love" and how can he be with her for the rest of his life when he feels that way. I have always been a believer when feelings of love are gone they don't come back. Now he is saying the same thing. He always used to say how 10-20-30 yrs from now that love & passion don't exist in a marriage, its more of just settling into life. I don't agree with that at all. I refuse to be with someone who can't give me the things I need in life. I am a very passionate person and I need someone to be passionate with me. He says that what we have most people will never find and I agree but why does it have to be him? If he is talking about the sibling stage then he already knows there is no going back. He knows whether MC will work at this stage and if he isn't there, then it isn't going to work. A man has a very hard time making love to a woman who feels like a sister. She deserves passionate love just like you and a D will help her find that eventually. It sounds as though he can be friends with her at this point which would be good for everyone involved. Like you, I need passion. It is not something that can be faked very well. Keep it for as long as you can and when it wears off you can make another decision later. Best of luck.
bentnotbroken Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 I am not opening myself up to this question, sorry. I know the next thing you will say. Wow, where do I get a physic's license? Your right not to answer.
bentnotbroken Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 I am not opening myself up to this question, sorry. I know the next thing you will say. Sorry I misspelled psychic, soooo embarassed:{
Lookingforward Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Sorry I misspelled psychic, soooo embarassed:{ you didn't see that coming then ? :bunny:
nadiaj2727 Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 I know he is leaving. About 6 months ago I was having a discussion with my best friend (the only person who knows about us) on this very topic, see she was involved with a mm for a few years that promised her he was leaving, she got divorced, did what she had to do to be with him, she was impatient and spilled the beans to his wife and messed everything up, he never left her and they have not spoken in years. I told her that my mm and I have no plan, there are no expectations on what is going to happen so he doesn't have that pressure from me at all to leave but I did say to her he is definitely the type that would leave, I just could tell, I knew it deep down inside just because of some of the things he would say to me. Like I said its not like he was trying to lure me into having a relationship with him, I was already there and didn't expect any promises from him. Now that its all out, I am scared. I am afraid of what my family is going to say if I go with him. I feel like he is pressuring me and I told him so. He says that I need to really think about our future and start planning. He says he will drop this topic for a while because my head has been spinning. Do not get me wrong, I love this man, I have loved him since the first day I laid eyes on him, he makes me feel things I have never felt in my entire life and I do the same for him. Maybe I am just afraid of being happy, I don't know. It sounds like you were okay with being with him in secret but you are not okay with being with him in public once everyone knows what you two have been up to. If that's so, why not just tell him that? Then he will know you were only in it as long as it was secret. Perhaps he will be happy with that and get into another commited relationship with someone else and then you can continue your thing on the side. (To me that would be a sad possibility, but it could happen). Or he might decide he wants passion with someone who honestly wants to be with him out in the open. Or why not just take a break while he divorces so that you can start over with a clean slate? Then you won't be his OW-turned-girlfriend, if that's what you're afraid of. OR maybe if it really is that you're afraid to be happy, you have some esteem issue that makes you feel satisfied ONLY if you are someone's secret side. I'm not saying that to bash you, it just sounds like that's what you might be referring to when you say you're afraid to be happy. You think you only deserve to be second best maybe. If any of this is true than you might be able to go to counseling and find out what the issues are and how to work on them.
nadiaj2727 Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 My family has no clue that he even exists. They are just very judgemental & so called religious people that would tell me I am going to burn in hell for being with a divorced man. In a nutshell, I would have to break ties with them in some sort of way. I know they would still speak to me but they will have no part in my relationship with him, that I am sure of. These are things that I think of all the time and to be honest I would almost rather have us be a secret then out in the open for everyone to judge. Btw he knows all of these things. I am going to take it easy for a while because my head is about to explode. You are right I shouldn't feel rushed into anything, whatever will be will be. If your family would really do this to you then it is THEIR problem, not yours. That is wrong to do. Perhaps secretly rebelling against your parents is what drives you to make decisions such as being an OW. That has happened to me before and in therapy I've learned that I am only responsible for my own decisions, not anyone else's reactions to them. I must love, approve of, accept and be happy with myself no matter who else is. I didn't realize how self-destructive I was being in response to my parents' rigid rules until I entered therapy... so maybe the same would help you, but I'm not sure. Now if this relationship you're in isn't *just* some secret act of rebellion and you do love him, well then I would chose love over my family's approval any time (especially because my family is a lot like yours... judgemental and self-righteous). So if you really love this man you should be with him if he gets divorced, there's your chance for happiness, don't let your family's views turn you away from that. But if you are only with him to do something secretively rebellious against your parents, that's not fair to him, just get out now and let him know the truth.
bentnotbroken Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 you didn't see that coming then ? :bunny: Don't have my license yet;)
Miss Stress Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Does he have kids? I had a MM hit on me in Jan 07. Told me he was seperated and getting a divorce. That was a year and 1/2 ago. He was seperated and he had filed for divorce and guess what ... no end in sight yet. So honey ... I wouldn't worry about nut'n till you see some signed papers. This is what I told my MM. "You are an incredible catch. But so am I. I have a reputation to maintain. I don't want to be considered a homewrecker. If things b/t us don't work out, my reputation would be tarnished. That isn't fair to me. And as much as I love being w/you, I don't believe in or would ever support divorce. I'm sorry, but I want no part of this decision." Because if you do influence him, IMHO, if for some reason he would ever feel that he made a mistake ... he would blame and resent you. But ... easier said than done I know ... and despite how much fun this playing around may be ... if he cheated on his wife ... well ... you know the rest. And if he has kids? Forget it! You ain't never gonna see paperwork. And when you do, he will be homeless cuz the attys ate all his money. At least that's how Cali works.
porter218 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 thank you Whiteflower. yes, I am a BW but I feel like if my H hadn't felt passion for me in years and found a connection with someone else that was real. I would want him to leave and be with her, surely if it started while we were together that part would hurt but who am I to wish unhappiness on someone...that isn't fair for anyone involved. I judge every situation based on their own circumstances and not my own and I wish more people could do that.
White Flower Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 thank you Whiteflower. yes, I am a BW but I feel like if my H hadn't felt passion for me in years and found a connection with someone else that was real. I would want him to leave and be with her, surely if it started while we were together that part would hurt but who am I to wish unhappiness on someone...that isn't fair for anyone involved. I judge every situation based on their own circumstances and not my own and I wish more people could do that. Then you and I sound a lot alike and I hope to see you on more of these threads!
White Flower Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 If your family would really do this to you then it is THEIR problem, not yours. That is wrong to do. Perhaps secretly rebelling against your parents is what drives you to make decisions such as being an OW. That has happened to me before and in therapy I've learned that I am only responsible for my own decisions, not anyone else's reactions to them. I must love, approve of, accept and be happy with myself no matter who else is. I didn't realize how self-destructive I was being in response to my parents' rigid rules until I entered therapy... so maybe the same would help you, but I'm not sure. This may be why bluespirit is comfortable in the A. I was going to post a similar thing:)
biffster Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Listen to OW, White Flower and Frannie - they are correct, and give good advice ... at this point there is no need for you to get overwhelmed at the moment ... ... whatever choices he was/is making re: his marraige are his and have nothing to do with you ... you were very wise to steer clear of all this ... but, regardless, he is leaving anyway ... don't put that kind of pressure on yourself!!! If you think him leaving is contingent upon you ... then still steer clear ... if he can't make his mind up on this own - that he wan't a better life regardless of you, and want ts to leave a marraige that isn't working .. you don't want him anyway!!! ... just don't get involved in any type of affair ... .let him finish what he is doing .... and when/if he gets divorced, then you can decided for yourself if you want to be with him or not! You are and should not be part of his decision making process .. don't go there!! ... also, if you are not in love with him at this point, and no line has been crossed, it is OK to still be friends with him ... provided, you are just that ... and (1) refuse to get drawn in ... and (2) make it clear that any discussion about his marraige, etc., will not be had with you .. those are issues for him, his wife and therapist to work through ..... Do not get dragged in ... ... if you can't maintain a civil friendship -- one that is not tormenting you or otherwise destroying you .. then this chapter with him in your life should be over ... and you should go NC until he figures everything out on his own ... ... the worse thing you can do to yourself is to be his "support" through what he as to deal with as he ends the marraige ... if he keeps trying to talk to you about it and drag you in .... in any way, shape or form ... the erase yourself from the picture completely ... ... if/when he is on more solid footing, if he loves you, he will come back for you ... and, at that point you can determine what type of relationship you want with him ... if any. Just please don't let any of his issues fall on your lap ... I am sure your plate is already full enough with things you have to do for yourself .... ... I was in a similar position to you, regarding the beginning of the relationship, etc.... now, separate and apart from me, he is talking to lawyers, etc... the difference is that we made a mistake and crossed the line, albeit not for long, but regardless ... he thinks we can go back to the "friendship" but we can't because (1) we already crossed the line once; (2) we are both in love with each other; and (3) at this point it would be very difficult, impossible, actually, to maintain any kind of friendship with him whatsoever, as I would inevitably get dragged in ... So, I am totally NC right now, and have let the whole thing go ... ... I am still working on my feelings re: what happened though, so that is why I am on this board ... to work through that, and to keep myself on the right course ... ... big hugs ...
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Well I planned it this way. I don't like being with single men. So one day I just saw my mm and said thats him, thats the guy I am going to mess around with him because he is married. What I get out of dealing with a mm is that I knew eventually I could get him to leave and be with me and then we can run off into the sunset. I am being sarcastic obviously but thats what most people want to hear, isn't it? How I am the scum of the earth seeking out happily married men? It didn't happen like that, sorry and I am not getting into details either because some of you people are so freaking judgemental that I am not going to waste my time. It's not judgement, it's the truth!!!! You get what you wanted, You willingly went and toyed around with a man who was married to another woman thinking there wouldnt be anybody getting hurt, You was selfish and ignorant of the fact that this Betrayed wife was getting lied to by her husband that you was messing with for about what 2 years. The fact of the matter remains when people say: Hey where you meet your boyfriend could you honestly tell them the truth without feeling that little bit of guilt and dirtiness? Do you have a conscious, do you wonder what it's like to be in the wife's shoes? Or do you just dont care?
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