bluespirit Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 ok long story short- I am single, been serious with mm for a year or so, even though we have been friends for years. I never had any expectations that this relationship would ever go anywhere because I thought that I would eventually meet a single guy, get married and so on. Plus the fact that he NEVER gave me any idea that he would leave his marriage. I have always made it very clear that I didn't want to take this any further than what it was. Well he is leaving his marriage and I am freaked out. He wants me to be with him. I am in a complete state of shock for the past 2 weeks and have been very upset. He says he doesn't get me, we make each other happy etc etc and that life is too short that we should be together. I have been telling him that I think he needs to go to marriage counseling to try to work on his marriage before he up and leaves. He says he has tried over the years and that its done. I don't know what to do. In my heart I do love him but I can not be with him.
InvisibleGirl Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 He wants to make sure you will still be there for him before he pulls the trigger on really ending the marriage...he should leave because he wants to, not because he expects you to have a life with him.
Author bluespirit Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 He wants to make sure you will still be there for him before he pulls the trigger on really ending the marriage...he should leave because he wants to, not because he expects you to have a life with him. He says he is leaving regardless if I am with him or not. My friend seems to think that he is depending on me being with him if he does. He says he wants to start a new chapter in his life and he wants me to be a part of it. I have known with a few women over the course of 10 yrs that have been in relationships with mm or have been married and had other men and I was always against it. Most of them didn't work out, some did but why is it that I, who never had any intentions of ending up with a mm is the one who gets the one freaking mm that is going to leave?
White Flower Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 ok long story short- I am single, been serious with mm for a year or so, even though we have been friends for years. I never had any expectations that this relationship would ever go anywhere because I thought that I would eventually meet a single guy, get married and so on. Plus the fact that he NEVER gave me any idea that he would leave his marriage. I have always made it very clear that I didn't want to take this any further than what it was. Well he is leaving his marriage and I am freaked out. He wants me to be with him. I am in a complete state of shock for the past 2 weeks and have been very upset. He says he doesn't get me, we make each other happy etc etc and that life is too short that we should be together. I have been telling him that I think he needs to go to marriage counseling to try to work on his marriage before he up and leaves. He says he has tried over the years and that its done. I don't know what to do. In my heart I do love him but I can not be with him. Honey, would you like to trade places with me? LOL. No, I understand. You were up front with him and told him you never thought it was going anywhere. Unfortunately, he knows his M is over and will probably leave her anyway. I did not end my M over exMM either. It ended because it was over. Do you think your MM will stay or go back to his W since you are not willing to marry him?
White Flower Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 He says he is leaving regardless if I am with him or not. My friend seems to think that he is depending on me being with him if he does. He says he wants to start a new chapter in his life and he wants me to be a part of it. I have known with a few women over the course of 10 yrs that have been in relationships with mm or have been married and had other men and I was always against it. Most of them didn't work out, some did but why is it that I, who never had any intentions of ending up with a mm is the one who gets the one freaking mm that is going to leave? Okay, one of my questions is already answered;)
OWoman Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Blue, he's leaving. That's his call, and it's his choice whether or not to try MC or anything else if he's made up his mind to go. Your choice is whether, once he's left, you want to be with him. Perhaps you should put that aside for the moment, wait until he has left, and then decide if it's what you want. Beating yourself up over it now will just complicate matters for both you and him.
OWoman Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 ...oh, and: I thought that I would eventually meet a single guy, get married and so on. Once he Ds, that could be him. If you wanted it to be.
Author bluespirit Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 Honey, would you like to trade places with me? LOL. No, I understand. You were up front with him and told him you never thought it was going anywhere. Unfortunately, he knows his M is over and will probably leave her anyway. I did not end my M over exMM either. It ended because it was over. Do you think your MM will stay or go back to his W since you are not willing to marry him? he says they have no passion in their marriage and never really did. I know that he is never felt the feelings he has with me before. We have come a long way since we first were together. We are very passionate with each other and I think that is a very important thing to have in any relationship. BUT I refuse to end up with a mm. Yes I have issues and they are all coming to a head right now. You say that you didn't leave your marriage for your mm, so you are saying he had nothing to do with your decision?
Author bluespirit Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 Blue, he's leaving. That's his call, and it's his choice whether or not to try MC or anything else if he's made up his mind to go. Your choice is whether, once he's left, you want to be with him. Perhaps you should put that aside for the moment, wait until he has left, and then decide if it's what you want. Beating yourself up over it now will just complicate matters for both you and him. I know he is leaving. About 6 months ago I was having a discussion with my best friend (the only person who knows about us) on this very topic, see she was involved with a mm for a few years that promised her he was leaving, she got divorced, did what she had to do to be with him, she was impatient and spilled the beans to his wife and messed everything up, he never left her and they have not spoken in years. I told her that my mm and I have no plan, there are no expectations on what is going to happen so he doesn't have that pressure from me at all to leave but I did say to her he is definitely the type that would leave, I just could tell, I knew it deep down inside just because of some of the things he would say to me. Like I said its not like he was trying to lure me into having a relationship with him, I was already there and didn't expect any promises from him. Now that its all out, I am scared. I am afraid of what my family is going to say if I go with him. I feel like he is pressuring me and I told him so. He says that I need to really think about our future and start planning. He says he will drop this topic for a while because my head has been spinning. Do not get me wrong, I love this man, I have loved him since the first day I laid eyes on him, he makes me feel things I have never felt in my entire life and I do the same for him. Maybe I am just afraid of being happy, I don't know.
OWoman Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I know he is leaving. About 6 months ago I was having a discussion with my best friend (the only person who knows about us) on this very topic, see she was involved with a mm for a few years that promised her he was leaving, she got divorced, did what she had to do to be with him, she was impatient and spilled the beans to his wife and messed everything up, he never left her and they have not spoken in years. I told her that my mm and I have no plan, there are no expectations on what is going to happen so he doesn't have that pressure from me at all to leave but I did say to her he is definitely the type that would leave, I just could tell, I knew it deep down inside just because of some of the things he would say to me. Like I said its not like he was trying to lure me into having a relationship with him, I was already there and didn't expect any promises from him. Now that its all out, I am scared. I am afraid of what my family is going to say if I go with him. I feel like he is pressuring me and I told him so. He says that I need to really think about our future and start planning. He says he will drop this topic for a while because my head has been spinning. Do not get me wrong, I love this man, I have loved him since the first day I laid eyes on him, he makes me feel things I have never felt in my entire life and I do the same for him. Maybe I am just afraid of being happy, I don't know. If he leaves his W and ends up with you, why should your family have an issue with it? Do they know / suspect your role in his leaving? Else, you've landed up with a guy who used to be married, so what? If you love him, enjoy that. Don't feel rushed into anything. Let him leave, and when the time is right, you can be together if that is still what you both want.
Author bluespirit Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 If he leaves his W and ends up with you, why should your family have an issue with it? Do they know / suspect your role in his leaving? Else, you've landed up with a guy who used to be married, so what? If you love him, enjoy that. Don't feel rushed into anything. Let him leave, and when the time is right, you can be together if that is still what you both want. My family has no clue that he even exists. They are just very judgemental & so called religious people that would tell me I am going to burn in hell for being with a divorced man. In a nutshell, I would have to break ties with them in some sort of way. I know they would still speak to me but they will have no part in my relationship with him, that I am sure of. These are things that I think of all the time and to be honest I would almost rather have us be a secret then out in the open for everyone to judge. Btw he knows all of these things. I am going to take it easy for a while because my head is about to explode. You are right I shouldn't feel rushed into anything, whatever will be will be.
OWoman Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 My family has no clue that he even exists. They are just very judgemental & so called religious people that would tell me I am going to burn in hell for being with a divorced man. In a nutshell, I would have to break ties with them in some sort of way. I know they would still speak to me but they will have no part in my relationship with him, that I am sure of. These are things that I think of all the time and to be honest I would almost rather have us be a secret then out in the open for everyone to judge. Btw he knows all of these things. I am going to take it easy for a while because my head is about to explode. You are right I shouldn't feel rushed into anything, whatever will be will be. Blue - if he's D, what's to judge? Your family may have a hard line on that, but few people these days see divorce as the evil it was when whole countries waged wars over it. Hey, even the English Royal Family has allowed an heir apparent to the throne to marry a divorced woman! (Even if they wouldn't allow him to marry her before she was married to the other bloke!) I worry that the one doing the judging is... yourself! That you somehow feel guilty about your role in the whole thing, and feel you OUGHT to be judged. People do sometimes find themselves acting in ways they didn't imagine, out of character and against their values - this forum is full of "accidental OWs" who can't believe they'd ever find themselves doing such a thing. It happens. (Hey - I'm going to get married - something completely against my values.) Beating yourself up about it is a bit useless. Take the lesson learned, and use it next time round. Meantime, don't rush yourself into or out of anything. Let the dust settle and your thoughts quieten, and then choose the path that looks best for you. (((((hugs)))))
White Flower Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 he says they have no passion in their marriage and never really did. I know that he is never felt the feelings he has with me before. We have come a long way since we first were together. We are very passionate with each other and I think that is a very important thing to have in any relationship. BUT I refuse to end up with a mm. Yes I have issues and they are all coming to a head right now. You say that you didn't leave your marriage for your mm, so you are saying he had nothing to do with your decision? No, none whatsoever. My marriage was bad for years and H would never take MC seriously or try compromising or anything. It was only a matter of time. I had hoped, however, to finish school because it would benefit both H and me financially if I did but he never supported me in my quest for an education. He wanted me to make money so he could gamble it away but he never wanted me to be financially secure because that would lower his stature in our M. But I digress. Falling in love with MM and seeing how a man can respect and adore a woman only fueled the fire in me to D that was already there. No, I am not leaving for him because we are just friends now. If he left his W for me I would gladly go back to him but that is not the case, sadly. I know soon enough I will want someone who can devote themself completely to me and thanks to MM I have faith that there are great guys out there. I am beginning to believe that OWoman hit the nail on the head; you are afraid of the stigma of marrying a MM and that you might be seen as the OW who broke up a M. If you two are right for each other then you need to reconsider. I don't know your age but if the passion is there trust me, it may not be there with someone else.
White Flower Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Bluespirit, you don't have to tell us which religion your parents belong to, but I've seen it happen before. Oftentimes they forgive you and sweep it under the rug or if they're prone to being pressured by the higher ups they might feel compelled to cave in to them. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. I hate to say this, but sometimes giving up a 'too religious family' can change THEM in order to get YOU back. It is risky, but you do have to live your life according to your beliefs and your heart. Focus on what is really important to you. Love and passion are hard to find in one person, so really think hard and take your time.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 If you didnt want to be with him on a serious level, why did you mess with him in the first place. What seriously could you get outta dealing with a man who's married in the first place? Was all the single men taken?
bentnotbroken Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 I know he is leaving. About 6 months ago I was having a discussion with my best friend (the only person who knows about us) on this very topic, see she was involved with a mm for a few years that promised her he was leaving, she got divorced, did what she had to do to be with him, she was impatient and spilled the beans to his wife and messed everything up, he never left her and they have not spoken in years. I told her that my mm and I have no plan, there are no expectations on what is going to happen so he doesn't have that pressure from me at all to leave but I did say to her he is definitely the type that would leave, I just could tell, I knew it deep down inside just because of some of the things he would say to me. Like I said its not like he was trying to lure me into having a relationship with him, I was already there and didn't expect any promises from him. Now that its all out, I am scared. I am afraid of what my family is going to say if I go with him. I feel like he is pressuring me and I told him so. He says that I need to really think about our future and start planning. He says he will drop this topic for a while because my head has been spinning. Do not get me wrong, I love this man, I have loved him since the first day I laid eyes on him, he makes me feel things I have never felt in my entire life and I do the same for him. Maybe I am just afraid of being happy, I don't know. If you are cool with what you think you two have, why would you be afraid of what your family would say?
frannie Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Now that its all out, I am scared. I am afraid of what my family is going to say if I go with him. I feel like he is pressuring me and I told him so. He says that I need to really think about our future and start planning. He says he will drop this topic for a while because my head has been spinning. Do not get me wrong, I love this man, I have loved him since the first day I laid eyes on him, he makes me feel things I have never felt in my entire life and I do the same for him. Maybe I am just afraid of being happy, I don't know. I don't know how old you are or how many relationships you've had, but if this is the way you both feel about each other, then I would be reticent to throw it all away simply because he WAS married, and doesn't fit the bill of 'a single guy' in that way. Remember, you always knew that he would rather divorce than continue an affair, and that has been proven to be correct. You know, sometimes we make a mistake in marrying someone, and he's rectifying that now, and doing an honest thing. If you honestly feel pressured and rushed into it, that's another thing. It's never a good idea to rush things. But he's said he will back off with the pressure for a while..? You have to examine whether you're just getting natural nerves, or he's too pushy, or what is going on. It's not easy to assess, of course. Especially not for posters here who only know a fraction of the story My family has no clue that he even exists. They are just very judgemental & so called religious people that would tell me I am going to burn in hell for being with a divorced man. In a nutshell, I would have to break ties with them in some sort of way. I know they would still speak to me but they will have no part in my relationship with him, that I am sure of. Again, I don't know how old you are, but believe me, if you push away a real chance of happiness with someone for fear of your family's reaction I think that's a huge mistake. If they care more about moral absolutes than your happiness then I think they're the ones who need to do a rethink. Plus, you might find that you're misjudging them. They may not LIKE it at first, but they may well come round eventually.
OWoman Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 If you didnt want to be with him on a serious level, why did you mess with him in the first place. What seriously could you get outta dealing with a man who's married in the first place? Some women go for MMs precisely because they DON'T want to be with a guy "on a serious level". I'm not saying that's the OP's reason, but it's a pretty obvious one for many women who choose MMs specifically because they are M. Was all the single men taken? If they were taken, they wouldn't be single, would they?
Author bluespirit Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 Blue - if he's D, what's to judge? Your family may have a hard line on that, but few people these days see divorce as the evil it was when whole countries waged wars over it. Hey, even the English Royal Family has allowed an heir apparent to the throne to marry a divorced woman! (Even if they wouldn't allow him to marry her before she was married to the other bloke!) I worry that the one doing the judging is... yourself! That you somehow feel guilty about your role in the whole thing, and feel you OUGHT to be judged. People do sometimes find themselves acting in ways they didn't imagine, out of character and against their values - this forum is full of "accidental OWs" who can't believe they'd ever find themselves doing such a thing. It happens. (Hey - I'm going to get married - something completely against my values.) Beating yourself up about it is a bit useless. Take the lesson learned, and use it next time round. Meantime, don't rush yourself into or out of anything. Let the dust settle and your thoughts quieten, and then choose the path that looks best for you. (((((hugs))))) Yes I am definitely judging myself. I keep thinking to myself how the hell did I get here? I know that I have fought my feelings towards him for years and one day I just gave into them. And now here I am. I will just have to deal with things one day at a time and if I do decide to be with him then my family will just have to deal with it. Thank you so much for your help.
Author bluespirit Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 No, none whatsoever. My marriage was bad for years and H would never take MC seriously or try compromising or anything. It was only a matter of time. I had hoped, however, to finish school because it would benefit both H and me financially if I did but he never supported me in my quest for an education. He wanted me to make money so he could gamble it away but he never wanted me to be financially secure because that would lower his stature in our M. But I digress. Falling in love with MM and seeing how a man can respect and adore a woman only fueled the fire in me to D that was already there. No, I am not leaving for him because we are just friends now. If he left his W for me I would gladly go back to him but that is not the case, sadly. I know soon enough I will want someone who can devote themself completely to me and thanks to MM I have faith that there are great guys out there. I am beginning to believe that OWoman hit the nail on the head; you are afraid of the stigma of marrying a MM and that you might be seen as the OW who broke up a M. If you two are right for each other then you need to reconsider. I don't know your age but if the passion is there trust me, it may not be there with someone else. Do you think I should not mention him seeking MC again? I feel like they should at least try to work things out and if they don't then we can discuss our future together. He says the love they have is "sibling love" and how can he be with her for the rest of his life when he feels that way. I have always been a believer when feelings of love are gone they don't come back. Now he is saying the same thing. He always used to say how 10-20-30 yrs from now that love & passion don't exist in a marriage, its more of just settling into life. I don't agree with that at all. I refuse to be with someone who can't give me the things I need in life. I am a very passionate person and I need someone to be passionate with me. He says that what we have most people will never find and I agree but why does it have to be him?
Author bluespirit Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 Bluespirit, you don't have to tell us which religion your parents belong to, but I've seen it happen before. Oftentimes they forgive you and sweep it under the rug or if they're prone to being pressured by the higher ups they might feel compelled to cave in to them. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. I hate to say this, but sometimes giving up a 'too religious family' can change THEM in order to get YOU back. It is risky, but you do have to live your life according to your beliefs and your heart. Focus on what is really important to you. Love and passion are hard to find in one person, so really think hard and take your time. Well I know for a fact that if I were to marry him, they will not attend the wedding. But then again my mother told me if I married my ex-bf that she wouldn't go to that wedding either because he wasn't too good for me. I am not going to worry about them at this point, I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I know love and passion and everything is hard to find in someone, trust me I know. I came close once but there was a lot of things missing and I just won't settle just to say "I'm married!!!" I consider myself young (not that young- I do have some life experience) and its funny how the very women that worry about why I am not married are the ones who are in ****ty marriages. It cracks me up sometimes. Thank you for your help and support, it really means a lot to me to have someone to talk to.
Author bluespirit Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 If you didnt want to be with him on a serious level, why did you mess with him in the first place. What seriously could you get outta dealing with a man who's married in the first place? Was all the single men taken? Well I planned it this way. I don't like being with single men. So one day I just saw my mm and said thats him, thats the guy I am going to mess around with him because he is married. What I get out of dealing with a mm is that I knew eventually I could get him to leave and be with me and then we can run off into the sunset. I am being sarcastic obviously but thats what most people want to hear, isn't it? How I am the scum of the earth seeking out happily married men? It didn't happen like that, sorry and I am not getting into details either because some of you people are so freaking judgemental that I am not going to waste my time.
Author bluespirit Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 If you are cool with what you think you two have, why would you be afraid of what your family would say? I am not opening myself up to this question, sorry. I know the next thing you will say.
Author bluespirit Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 I don't know how old you are or how many relationships you've had, but if this is the way you both feel about each other, then I would be reticent to throw it all away simply because he WAS married, and doesn't fit the bill of 'a single guy' in that way. Remember, you always knew that he would rather divorce than continue an affair, and that has been proven to be correct. You know, sometimes we make a mistake in marrying someone, and he's rectifying that now, and doing an honest thing. If you honestly feel pressured and rushed into it, that's another thing. It's never a good idea to rush things. But he's said he will back off with the pressure for a while..? You have to examine whether you're just getting natural nerves, or he's too pushy, or what is going on. It's not easy to assess, of course. Especially not for posters here who only know a fraction of the story Again, I don't know how old you are, but believe me, if you push away a real chance of happiness with someone for fear of your family's reaction I think that's a huge mistake. If they care more about moral absolutes than your happiness then I think they're the ones who need to do a rethink. Plus, you might find that you're misjudging them. They may not LIKE it at first, but they may well come round eventually. I had posted here a while back (obviously under a different name) and I got ripped a new a**hole by some people who think they know everything about everyone and every single situation that life throws at people. I never posted again but I have been reading others posts from time to time. I always knew how he felt about me, not just by his words but by his actions. You can't fake what we have. We both make each other very happy. Although its not sugary sweet all the time and we do argue mildly from time to time, we always resolve our issues because thats what you are supposed to do to. I want to be who I am and I want him to be who he really is. He doesn't have that now. I want to be open with him and he wants to be open with me and it works. I know he married the wrong person and got married too young. He is going to do what he has to do to make a change in his life. I hope when the day comes that I will be able to decide on what I want to do. He is not being pushy with me and he said he will lay off the topic for a while so I can really wrap my mind around all of this. I am a simple person. I have been very independent for quite some time now. Plus the whole family situation doesn't make it any easier.
porter218 Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 I think if you are really worried about your families views on divorced people then they don't need to know about that. If you 2 end up married a few years down the road then fine but all of his past is not necessary to disclose to your family. If he is a good person and good to you that is all they need to know. you said he wants to start a new chapter in his life with you then let him bury the last one.
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