LDR - with or without an end date?

[northstar1]

For those out there who are in LDR's - are you in one with an end date (ie. you will be back in the same city in a few months or year etc), or one where you really have no idea when you might be together?

 

Is there a difference in your expectations? Coping methods?

 

Does the vagueness ever make you doubt it?

[MeloraB]

This may sound awful to some, but if my LDR had not had an end date I don't think I would have kept pursuing it. I was in an LDR for half a year and it was very, very hard.

I honestly don't know how some people can be in a LDR with no prospect of it ending in the near future, but one thing I know is that they are a lot stronger than I am.

[Eilonwy]

Our LDR does not have an end date, but we certainly hope it is going to have one one day! We talked about that just before we decided to try seriously. We agreed that there was no real point of none of us was willing to move eventually, as we don't want to be apart forever.

 

I still don't know who's going to move, or when... but I don't know if I could keep the LDR up if I wasn't convinced it is going to happen eventually.

 

Yes... the vagueness makes me doubt sometimes. But then I realize it is still much better than not having him at all. Compared to that, the LDR seems really super.

[Maggs]

We don't have a specific end date in mind, but a rough one. We were together in a 'normal' relationship for a year. Meaning we lived near each other, saw each other all the time, went on holiday together, etc. We've been doing an LDR for nearly 4 months now. We're thinking sometime in 2009 that I'll be moving back to where he is.

 

I have so much more that I have to sort out here before I leave so I wish I had more of a permanent date so I could get started on it. I think he thinks that he'll say right, we'll get you here by June 2009 and tell me in February 2009 and expect me there. Not going to happen! So I've been trying to emphasize the importance of starting to think a bit more seriously about it. I find he seems to cope a bit better than me. But than again, I'm a woman and no doubt when he's down, lonely and depressed he's not much for expressing his feelings like I am. Which is difficult. I always tell him that it would make me feel much better, that I'm not on this journey alone if you tell me every now and again that you miss me, or you're sad, or you're having a bad day. So yes...the vagueness is difficult. Some days are good, some days are bad. On the bad days, I can't handle the distance at all. I don't know how I manage the good days. Just because I'm in a calmer mood I guess--things don't seem that bad.

[konfuzd]

Similar to MeloraB, I wouldn't have pursued a serious relationship with my bf if there was no end in site.

 

My BF will be moving closer to me in the fall. He was originally supposed to move in the summer, but it got pushed back. I really don't know if I can handle it being bumped back one more time.

[Catherina]

Based on my personal experience with my LDR, I think setting an end date completely depends on your age and whether or not you are ready to settle down. I met my boyfriend when I was 22 years old and fell in love with him when I was 26 (long story) - we had always been 4,500 miles apart (he is from Europe, I am in USA). We drifted apart and back together for several years after that, both dating other people and trying other relationships. However, when we both hit 30 (and a seemingly different level of maturity), we decided we wanted to truly be together and put together a plan to actually make it work. THEN we put an end date on it when he decided he would get a job close to me and move to my country. It was very difficult because our end date was originally six months, but we had to stretch it a little after we realized how hard it is to get a job in the USA! A year later - almost to the exact date - he formally accepted his new job and will be moving close to me in August. I truly cannot believe it.

 

Did the vagueness ever bother me? You bet! Did I ever want to just leave the relationship and just settle on a different guy, an 'easier' situation? Absolutely! But you know what? With all the trials and tribulations we went through because of our distance, we actually came out of them closer, more able to communicate with one another, and now I can say, after five years of dating other men, I am absolutely certain I want to be with my boyfriend.

 

Hang in there - if it's meant to be, it will happen. LDR's are NOT for the faint of heart - there is lots of time spent feeling lonely and crying. But if you're a very strong, independent person, and if you and your lover have a true connection that you both feel equally strongly about, you can do it.

[northstar1]

Based on my personal experience with my LDR, I think setting an end date completely depends on your age and whether or not you are ready to settle down. I met my boyfriend when I was 22 years old and fell in love with him when I was 26 (long story) - we had always been 4,500 miles apart (he is from Europe, I am in USA). We drifted apart and back together for several years after that, both dating other people and trying other relationships. However, when we both hit 30 (and a seemingly different level of maturity), we decided we wanted to truly be together and put together a plan to actually make it work. THEN we put an end date on it when he decided he would get a job close to me and move to my country. It was very difficult because our end date was originally six months, but we had to stretch it a little after we realized how hard it is to get a job in the USA! A year later - almost to the exact date - he formally accepted his new job and will be moving close to me in August. I truly cannot believe it.

 

Did the vagueness ever bother me? You bet! Did I ever want to just leave the relationship and just settle on a different guy, an 'easier' situation? Absolutely! But you know what? With all the trials and tribulations we went through because of our distance, we actually came out of them closer, more able to communicate with one another, and now I can say, after five years of dating other men, I am absolutely certain I want to be with my boyfriend.

 

Hang in there - if it's meant to be, it will happen. LDR's are NOT for the faint of heart - there is lots of time spent feeling lonely and crying. But if you're a very strong, independent person, and if you and your lover have a true connection that you both feel equally strongly about, you can do it.

 

That's a great post Catherina and inspiring really. I'm glad, despite all the delays and tribulations, it has worked out.

 

That's my situation - girl i was seeing is overseas - and her end date is not apparent yet - could be 3 more months, could be 9 to 12. This is the first long distance situation i've had and im struggling.

We both love each other, but she's unsure of when she'll be home and so everything is still so vague.

 

I guess if it's meant to be, it will turn out well - it's just hard to see that right now when I don't even know when she may be home.

[Catherina]

I think I get it now...your girl actually lives in your city, but is just overseas for 3 months to a year. I think that would be more difficult than my situation with my man...he and I were NEVER in the same city, so I was at least used to not having him around on a daily basis.

 

Is there any way you can go visit her? I am sure you have heard this from other posts here, but one thing that was vital for me (once we set our end date and decided we were going to make it work) was to have our next visit specifically planned (i.e. date set, plane tickets purchased, etc...). I don't know if you can do that or not, but a short visit to her would really help break up the waiting time and make it a lot easier on you.

 

And like I said, though the down times are TERRIBLE, if you two can come out of this together and knowing you have persevered and put forth the effort to make things work, you will value your relationship so much more.

 

I know...it still SUCKS!

[northstar1]

I think I get it now...your girl actually lives in your city, but is just overseas for 3 months to a year. I think that would be more difficult than my situation with my man...he and I were NEVER in the same city, so I was at least used to not having him around on a daily basis.

 

Is there any way you can go visit her? I am sure you have heard this from other posts here, but one thing that was vital for me (once we set our end date and decided we were going to make it work) was to have our next visit specifically planned (i.e. date set, plane tickets purchased, etc...). I don't know if you can do that or not, but a short visit to her would really help break up the waiting time and make it a lot easier on you.

 

And like I said, though the down times are TERRIBLE, if you two can come out of this together and knowing you have persevered and put forth the effort to make things work, you will value your relationship so much more.

 

I know...it still SUCKS!

 

You pretty much got the situation correct.

 

Unfortunately visiting in the forseeable future is not really a possibilility (there are a few reasons why that would make it really hard to accomplish) - but she will be back here in a few months - at least for a temporary visit - that is the vague part - she may either stay or, may be going back for another 6 months.

[Catherina]

Yeah, I can understand why you are frustrated. Not knowing whether or not you are going to have to wait another six months to be with her is VERY annoying and I am sure it hurts so much! Ugh. I have been through it and I really hated it. I remember when my boyfriend was looking for a job in the USA - we already had our 'end date' set - and he visited me in October 2007 just for vacation. However, when he left, we had not planned our next meeting date. So when we said goodbye, I did not know when we would see each other again - that was so hard. It was really the worst thing to say goodbye - I was so upset! I am sure you are having the same sorts of feelings, and I know it is so difficult.

 

I cannot even tell you how to cope, though I had my own ways. I always had my own life, so I was able to enjoy my own activities with my friends without having 'him' around. But even then, it is so hard. I always had that longing feeling to be with him...and I still do. He doesn't start his job in the USA until August, so we are still (currently) apart.

 

I can tell you, if you do have a good group of friends, plan lots of fun things to do and try to have your own life. It is REALLY hard to do that if you are away from the one you love, however, I also believe it really important in ANY relationship to have your own identity. The good thing about an LDR - it forces you to build your own identity because you are away from your significant other. So while you two are apart - I would suggest you take this time to further enhance who YOU are and be an independent person. This will be very beneficial when you two are together as a couple - you will still have your own identity. A LOT of couples do NOT have their own separate identities, and I think that can kill relationships. Being in an LDR can help you build that important factor that a lot of other 'normal, same-city couples' are missing.

 

Does she know how much you love her? As long as she knows this, and as long as you both feel the same way, I think you have a lot of hope - especially if her situation being overseas is temporary.

 

Either way, being apart from each other is a great way to determine if you really want to be together. I probably sound as if I am repeating myself - but having lived this whole thing for so many years and FINALLY having it work out, I have learned that there are many 'positives' to having experienced an LDR.

 

There is really no way to truly describe the negatives unless you have lived it. I don't think the average person could truly survive an LDR - it is definitely the biggest challenge I've ever faced.

[Catherina]

By the way, if she's away for short-term work or study, I think it is really impressive that you are supportive of her. That really says a lot, and I am sure that she appreciates it, no matter how difficult your separation is.

[lonelyindistance]

i'm in a LDR w/o an end date and i want to be strong but it's so hard. and sometimes, in my head, i say, if i have to wait another 2 years i can't say that i can. b/c there are just too many tears involved. i'm such a whimp, no?

 

i want to thank everyone for sharing their tips/stories too!

[northstar1]

i'm in a LDR w/o an end date and i want to be strong but it's so hard. and sometimes, in my head, i say, if i have to wait another 2 years i can't say that i can. b/c there are just too many tears involved. i'm such a whimp, no?

 

i want to thank everyone for sharing their tips/stories too!

 

It doesn't make you a wimp at all. It makes you human, and someone who cares deeply about someone who is not currently with you in your day to day life.

 

I'm going through the same struggle. She has no idea when she will be living back here for good and that uncertainly has been a real struggle for me. Some days I feel I can just wait and see, and live my own life in the meantime. Others, it overwhelms me and I feel that I either need some definite answers or I cannot keep it up.

 

Some people can cope with that uncertainty and can manage the months/years with not being with that person. Some just stay in touch with each others lives, while living their own lives where they are.

 

Others, and I think that includes me, are not able to cope well with the fact that it may not work out, despite waiting and that you may both move on with your own lives while apart.

 

I think it is key that you talk about this openly with her - what you are both comfortable with , if you do forsee a future together. If one party is much more uncertain about the 'waiting', then it can be a problem.

[Karyyk]

Mine never had an end date. I tried working towards one, but she wasn't very cooperative. It was all rather odd in retrospect. Without the end date, I think it's easy to get bogged-down and focus too much on the negative aspects of the LDR, it effectively detracts from what everyone in an LDR looks forward to, finally being with the one they love. I think the end-date is ultimately vital. The longer the LDR lasts, and the longer you don't have one, the more likely it's going to be that someone is going to lose hope.

[x6xdrive]

Mine just started....I into it six months but we have not acknowledged ourselves as a couple.........( I'm 21 and she's 19 ).....The only chance I have is to marry the girl, which I can see myself doing which is why I am pursuing one. The only way is that her family and my family have been friends for a long time....she lives in Cali and I am in NYC.....I dont know when I am going to see her, 2 or 3 years from now is a safe bet....... Yea, I dont know how I am going to do this but I am jumping in the water and seeing if I can swim ...........

[mattea]

Like others I have expressed, I also don't feel i could be in a LDR without some ideas/plans about how and when we'll be together again. In fact, when my boyfriend first moved away for school we split up (after a year and a half of being together in the same place) because it wasn't apparent to me that he wanted to be with me down the road and we were having trouble making plans to make that happen.

 

 

When we reconciled, I was able to go back to the relationship because we did talk about a plan for the long term and being back together in the same place. Without that, I just don't think I could have done it. Being in a LDR is really far from ideal for me - it is more something I am tolerating right now because we both know we want to be together in the future if we can just live through this time.

 

My boyfriend told me that he is going to try to get a summer internship where I live between his second and third years of school. In that way he can start to establish his career where I live, in the hopes of moving here permanently after school is over. We should know by fall if this is going to happen, and if it doesn't then we will discuss our other options. Because I know he wants to try to be where I am, and because I know when we will know, I can kind of sit back and wait til then without making myself crazy.

 

As for doubts, yes I have them. We both do because everything seems so uncertain.

[lily8656]

I'm in an LDR, but I can't honestly say an exact "end date." I think it's all relative to your Long Distance situation. The important thing, at least in our relationship, is to *talk* about an end date, and to make sure that we both want that and constantly share our feelings about it. We don't have a "we will live together on X date of X month" kind of end date, but we do talk about and slowly work toward a date when we no longer have to travel to see eachother. As you both get closer to the point in your lives when it works more and more, the date becomes clearer.

 

I think there has to be somewhat of a balance in your end date, so neither party feels pressured, and you both are comfortable about it. At the same time, you do have to work at it (albeit that may be slowly), or it will never happen, or at least it will never happen with a good ending.

 

That said, I'm not sure I could have an LDR relationship and not ever talk about an end date to distance aspect of the relationship. At least for me, the reason I am in an LDR is because it is so important to me on an emotional level and I see it as a lifelong relationship. If I were in a long-term LDR and not talking about an end date to the distance, I don't know how long I could be in that relationship.