mistieyed Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 call me confused the entire thread you call him your FWB (including the subject line) and then all of the sudden you state he is your boyfriend in the end post - which is it? that makes a difference in the grand scheme of things in my mind. the problem with emails, postings, etc. is that people can only comment (which of course in this situation was solicited) on the information provided. based on what you provided, i think that everyone has been quite honest and direct with you offering sound advice. it is much easier to see things as they are outside of the circle - i am sure you are hurting on many levels as is absolutely normal. although the decent thing to do would have been for him to be there for you, he wasn't - that speaks volumes about his maturity level, not to mention his true feelings. i wish you peace and happiness.
mental_traveller Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 does he have a right to know? if i can find the $$ should i just take care of it and act as though nothing happened? if i do tell him, will there be life after the earth-shattering accident? is there a way i can use the pregnancy to my advantage for him to nut the **** up and get serious??? "does he have a right to know?" I don't really know, to be honest. It would be the done thing to tell him, but I can totally understand if you don't want to. I wouldn't view it as wrong to keep it secret. 'if i can find the $$$ should I just take care of it and act as though nothing happened". IMO this would be a pragmatic course of action, with minimal chance of screwing things up for both of you. "If I do tell him, will there be life after the earth-shattering accident". It will put the cat amongst the pigeons in your relationship. Guys in FWB relationships are *terrified* of commitment and responsibility being thrust on them. The woman getting pregnant is pretty much every guy's worst nightmare in a FWB relationship, short of getting an STD (and some would prefer a cureable bout of the clap, rather than permanent fatherhood). If he is mature, and doesn't want a kid with you, then he will probably be supportive of you deciding to terminate. If I was in his shoes, I would be extremely relieved if you wanted to get an abortion. However you can't predict his reaction. He may be immature and flip out, never speak to you again. He may suddenly go gaga at the idea of having a kid, and pressure you to keep it. He may even propose in a rush of insanity. It's very hard to know what he will do if you tell. That's why IMO not telling is the safest option. "is there a way i can use the pregnancy to my advantage for him to nut the **** up and get serious???" Absolutely not. Guys do not have FWB relationships with women they want to get serious with. If you try to use the pregnancy as leverage, he will run a mile and probably put you down as a manipulative bitch - and if you tried this underhand tactic, who could blame him? The whole point of FWB is that it is NO STRINGS. If you want to change the terms, you have to do so by mutual consent, not by pressure or deception. To try to use a pregnancy as a negotiating weapon would be highly immoral. My recommendation is keep it quiet, and handle the abortion yourself. Confide in family or a close friend, no one else. If he is very mature and level-headed, and respects you, then you can tell him - but realise that's a risky option that may backfire.
mental_traveller Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 What I am curious about is why you think that this will cause you to lose him. OMG. 99% of the time your posts are very perceptive, but you have missed the elephant in the room on this one. First, he's a guy. Second, they have a FWB relationship. OF COURSE he is likely to run a mile if she is pregnant. It's a FWB - he doesn't give a damn about her except for sex. For a guy, the girl getting pregnant is his personal nightmare scenario. He could easily FREAK if he hears this news.
mental_traveller Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 I don't understand the need for revenge here (and I never recommend it). He was a FWB - not your BF, husband, or even a regular date! I think your expectations of how he should have behaved were too high. He has no emotional investment in you or your friendship, yet you were hoping for an emotional response. Granted, it would have been nice if he were there for comfort, but I think getting him to pay for it was the most you could hope for. Be happy with that. Agree 100%. Cirese, you have no right to have any revenge. Not only was it a no strings, no commitment relationship, meaning you have no moral expectation of being treated as a girlfriend, but you TOOK HIS MONEY to pay for the abortion. If you had paid at least half of the cost yourself, then you might have some grounds to be angry (but not that much - you aren't his gf after all). But to get him to fund 85% of the cost, sorry but you just tossed any rights to indignation out of the window. You can't rely on a random guy's cash one minute to bail out the consequences of your own actions, then the next minute act like you are some wronged independent woman, when all you were was a no strings FWB.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 OMG. 99% of the time your posts are very perceptive, but you have missed the elephant in the room on this one. First, he's a guy. Second, they have a FWB relationship. OF COURSE he is likely to run a mile if she is pregnant. It's a FWB - he doesn't give a damn about her except for sex. For a guy, the girl getting pregnant is his personal nightmare scenario. He could easily FREAK if he hears this news. I agree with you MT - and we know that is the case. I was curious about her perception of it - whether he had actually come out and told her, or if they had discussed it before. Sometimes from the inside, even a FWB can be blindsided by what looks like to us 'expected' behavior, but to them is completely baffling. I actually had this happen to me when I was younger. Even though I knew on some level that we were FWB, I was thinking that the 'F' part would at least count for something in a tough situation - he certainly had me convinced that he cared for me and would be there for me if something happened. He didn't. I wasn't pregnant after all, but I took a blistering revenge on him and moved on. I guess the baffling part comes with the 'friends' part - because when the chips are down, they are anything but your friend. It should be something more along the lines of: "people who get along, have stuff in common, and sleep together" and leave 'friends' out of it. It rarely is the case that it is genuine 'friends'. I'm curious as to whether this guy had her convinced that he was her friend, as well as her sexual partner.
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