Pregnant by FWB

[cirese]

my original post describes my 13-month long relationship with my FWB. you can search it. it's called "what are the parameters in a FWB relationship" or something similar.

 

well guess what? i found out about twenty minutes ago that i am f*cking pregnant.

 

please, if you have political opinions about my decision to terminate, have a little party by yourself and do not reply. i am not having a kid.

 

what i want advice on is whether or not i should tell him. i could use the financial help, because like most young professionals, I AM BROKE with super high rent, bills and phenomenal car payment.

 

i don't want to lose him over this. even though he is not ideal as a partner. but neither am i and we are very good together. more importantly, i really do like him. i have made such headway in this relationship and this news will destroy it all. there will be no more fun, carefree idioms and enjoyment and i can kiss the mind-blowing sex goodbye after he hears of this.

 

does he have a right to know?

if i can find the $$ should i just take care of it and act as though nothing happened?

if i do tell him, will there be life after the earth-shattering accident?

is there a way i can use the pregnancy to my advantage for him to nut the **** up and get serious???

 

please refrain from reminding me how stupid this situation is, because it is my life and i deal with it every day. i get it. i am a ****en moron. just deal with these facts and advise me in any way you insightful, very helpful and intelligent folks have done in the past. i was going to walk away from this whole thing but it seems a PREGNANCY deserves some attention.

 

thank you in advance.

[KittenMoon]

is there a way i can use the pregnancy to my advantage for him to nut the **** up and get serious???

 

This is your REAL problem, since you've decided to have an abortion already. You want to be serious with a guy? Being a FWB isn't usually the best way to start, and since he hasn't gotten serious after over a year, it's a bit bleak.

 

Other than that, I don't know what to say. You're situation is very touchy and complex. Is there a close friend who knows both of you that you could discuss this with?

[Nemo]

is there a way i can use the pregnancy to my advantage for him to nut the **** up and get serious???

This probably happened for a reason. You were meant to be together.

[tinktronik]

This probably happened for a reason. You were meant to be together.

WTF??? She has already made it clear that she's terminating. If they were meant to be together they would already be together not be just FWB.

Personally, OP I believe your FWB has a right to know, but that is your own personal decision.

[Nemo]

If they were meant to be together they would already be together not be just FWB.

I think this pregnancy is the catalyst for them getting together for real. Life has a way of making things work out for the best.

[tinktronik]

I think this pregnancy is the catalyst for them getting together for real. Life has a way of making things work out for the best.

 

Terminated pregnancies don't exactly add up to cementing a R.

[whichwayisup]

Before you do anything, please go talk to counsellor. You're freaking out and upset, worrying about stuff - Honestly, give yourself afew days to really think this through. I read on your other thread that you're 30 years old and the FWB is 27 years old.

 

He deserves to know what is going on. Planned or unplanned, he is your friend first, so hopefully he will support you in whatever you decide to do.

 

Do you have family? They could help as well.

 

If you were 16 or 18 years old I could see this situation not being right for you at such a young age, but age 30? Take some time to think. Never know, this baby could be the best thing ever.

[cirese]

i love this reply. thank you. so, i should be honest, then?

[whichwayisup]

Yes. Since you two have been friends for a long time, then you should be able to be honest and upfront about everything.

 

Please go talk to a therapist before making your choice. I hope you also talk to your family too.

 

You're welcome.

[bentnotbroken]

Please slow down. You said you just found out, give your mind time to absorb. Even with a planned pregnancy you have to have time for your mind to adjust to the thought of a child. WWIU gave you excellent advice. Please heed it. Start by taking a deep breath.

[hip chick]

What you should do is lose this guy who you are totally obsessed with and who couldn't give two s**ts about you, and have this baby.

When you have this baby, you will have something stable in your life, someone to love.

You NEED this baby to give you some meaning and true love in your life.

Forget this guy - lose him like a bad habit.

You are 30 years old....stop obsessing over your loser FWB who doesn't want you and have something wonderful in your life - a baby.

You are 30. You might not get this chance again.

[White Flower]

i love this reply. thank you. so, i should be honest, then?

I do think you should tell him. You've been able to be honest about a FWB relationship. That takes REAL honesty. You both get satisfaction without commitment which is hard for most people to do.

 

Look at it this way. If you tell him, he can't make you keep it, right? You can still have the abortion AND you may be able to get him to help you pay for it. And who knows, maybe Nemo is right. Maybe this will bring you closer together whether the pregnancy is terminated or not.

 

Good luck cirese.

[whichwayisup]

What you should do is lose this guy who you are totally obsessed with

 

Uhhh...You reading the same thread as the rest of us? Or am I missing out on something here?

[hip chick]

If you read her other thread, What are the Boundaries of the FWB Relationship, she is pretty obsessed with this guy. He is out hunting down Asian girls to have sex with them, and this lady is all upset and obsessing about this creepazoid.

[hip chick]

i don't want to lose him over this. even though he is not ideal as a partner. but neither am i and we are very good together. more importantly, i really do like him. i have made such headway in this relationship and this news will destroy it all. there will be no more fun, carefree idioms and enjoyment and i can kiss the mind-blowing sex goodbye after he hears of this.

 

.

 

Sorry, but yes, this sounds pretty obsessive. She is worried about destroying her FWB relationship with a guy who couldn't care less about her?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think you should tell him, and work through this decision together.

 

What I am curious about is why you think that this will cause you to lose him. Has he said something along those lines?

 

If he stops the arrangement because of this, then you may have lost the mindblowing sex - but honestly, is your life really enriched by having a guy in it who sees you only as a FWB and would dump you when he gets you pregnant?

[cirese]

holy crap... well, i am back. it has been the most demoralizing week of my life.

 

i told him right away and he took it well, but was just as freaked out as i was. we agreed my decision to terminate was the best solution. the conversation turned more serious and i called him on all the things i would not tolerate anymore. he agreed and behaved apologetically. all of it was a whir of relief and gladness. he agreed we would be more serious and i insisted he treated me the way i deserve.

 

after the talk, i was confident we were in this thing together. i was so emotional and was not able to stop crying. i wasn't myself and wanted so much for it all to be over.

 

on the day of my appointment, he hadn't contacted me to give me the money and it was so close. it was almost 1 p.m. and appt was at 2. i began to panic and didn't know what to do. imagine how i felt. stupidly pregnant and all alone. my best friend was pissed so she came right over and called him. he showed up with the money and was strangely casual and a bit odd. i told him to come over and hang around with me later and he agreed. he paid $600 of the little more than $700 procedure. i also got on depo.

 

the procedure was so painful. everything about it. i am still recovering. the whole experience was absolutely mortifying. after it was over, i texted him to assure him the whole ordeal was finally over. he asked me how i felt and stuff. he again assured me he would see me later.

 

that night, he never contacted me. it felt horrible. i don't know what was going through his mind, but i was morose. i was convinced i could not ever count on a guy for anything. he is deplorable and i was so sad for myself. it was a sickening slap in the face. how could be so low of a human being?

 

i spent the next day feeling dismal, pathetic and unworthy of love. somehow, after spending hours discussing it with friends, i finally became angry and felt much better. at least it is over, he paid for it and i know that there is no way in hell i could ever trust him again.

 

two nights ago, i sent him a text: YOU WON THE COWARD-FAGGOT AWARD. TAKE A BOW.

 

i have not told my male roommate (BFF with FWB) that he didn't show up for me. i was too ashamed of the situation. how could that happen to me? how on earth could a guy so easily have no respect or human decency and just blow me off after something so huge. not even an apology. the one time i needed him, he couldn't man up and grow the balls it took to just assure me things would be normal again.

 

i am not a difficult person. okay, i mean, i never made anything difficult for him. i made it all so easy and convenient for him. that is probably the reason he took advantage of me and put me in this ****ed up situation. now he is my sworn enemy and the anger toward him is the source of my motivation to get my revenge.

 

any revenge advice?

[Jilly Bean]

I don't understand the need for revenge here (and I never recommend it).

 

He was a FWB - not your BF, husband, or even a regular date! I think your expectations of how he should have behaved were too high. He has no emotional investment in you or your friendship, yet you were hoping for an emotional response.

 

Granted, it would have been nice if he were there for comfort, but I think getting him to pay for it was the most you could hope for. Be happy with that.

[Jilly Bean]

he took advantage of me and put me in this ****ed up situation. now he is my sworn enemy and the anger toward him is the source of my motivation to get my revenge.

 

any revenge advice?

 

Whoa? What are you saying? Did he RAPE you? How else did he take advantage and put you in this situation? IMO, since the women gets pregnant, the bulk of the BC responsibility falls on her, also since she has the final say on the outcome pregnancy. If a condom broke, still sucks, but how is this his fault?

 

Sorry - I know your hormones are raging, but hopefully you will calm down and realize he is NOT your enemy. He stepped up, gave you $600 towards the procedure and I think that was pretty darn swell.

[LucreziaBorgia]

any revenge advice?

 

Revenge only works if he cares enough about it to be angry with the consequences. As it is, he sounds indifferent. How do you get revenge on an indifferent person?

 

If you tell everyone what he did, he will just say 600 dollars was worth being out of that situation. He will explain that you were FWB and that he paid his dues. Anyone hearing that will probably think it an unfortunate situation but probably won't think any less since you two were not in anything approaching a committed relationship.

 

You could damage his property, but what good would that do? He'll get it fixed, have you charged, and you'll end up paying for the damage.

 

Anything you do will result in him being at best annoyed, and at worst angry enough to take measures to make you pay for what you have done in one form or other.

 

So, that said... walk away. They say the best revenge is living well, and while it won't make much sense now (because how can you possibly live well at this moment?) - it will later. When you have moved on and found happiness you will find that you have freed yourself from the anger that made you want to take revenge. You will become indifferent yourself, and that truly is the best feeling - to find yourself indifferent over something that is currently tearing you apart.

 

Just give it time.

[MaxManwell]

Definitely tell him if he is serious about you news of a pregnancy will either cause the relationship to dissipate or it will cause him to realize he is serious about you. Either way you get to move on with your life.

[whichwayisup]

Hope you feel better soon..

 

I also hope you cut this guy out of your life. No more FWB with him, let alone ANY kind of frienship.

[mistieyed]

that is probably the reason he took advantage of me and put me in this ****ed up situation.

 

he did not put you in the position, you had other options both in sleeping with him and whether or not to terminate the pregnancy. you are angry with him because you did not get the outcome you wanted, that being he was there for you. you were in a FWB with him for 13 months (or something like that) and he did not commit to you, that says quite a bit about where he stood with you. instead of wasting your energy on how to seek revenge, take some down time and work on you. i can only imagine that the situation you just went through has made you feel pretty terrible. good luck to you.

[cirese]

the suggestion for revenge was figurative.

 

okay, wait a minute. we began a FWB relationship but it developed into a lot more. we are affectionate when we are around friends and we don't booty call each other, hook up and then he leaves right away. he spends every night with me when he is not at work. i hold him when we sleep and he doesnt pull or push away, when he gets up to get a drink, he puts his pants on, gets the drink and undresses and comes back to bed. it has ****ing developed. i am not a ****ing idiot who would let some ******* use me for sex for more than a year and not get anything out of it. and i thought i explained on the night i told him i was pregnant that i expected us to be exclusive or nothing else. he agreed.

 

i can be abrasive when provoked and he is always afraid of offending me. right now if he wanted to call me, he would opt not to because he is terrified of me biting his head off and putting him in his place. my language in these threads is conservative and outlines the bulkiest of facts, but leaves out meaningful details about our relationship.

 

he has admitted to mutual friends that he likes me in a genuine way. i am not obssessed with him as much as i am obssessed with the way i appear to him. i always want him to think of me as strong, independent and unmoved by life's petty ups and downs. i care about him, despite his immaturity. and he cares about me, even though when we started it was a FWB situation.

 

he did a grave injustice to me by not being there for me the night of the termination. i expected more from him because he owed me that much. i could forgive him if he asked me to. he put me in the ****ing situation where i FEEL abandoned, read what i write. i didn't say he is solely responsible for the pregnancy. let me spell out the ****ed up situation.

 

i trusted him because we have built up a great deal of trust and i was depending on him to go through the painful suffering with me. not lying around crying with me, but just being there to help me feel normal. i trusted he would be there and he wasn't there. that is what i referred to as the ****ed up situation. why can't anyone see this for what it is??

 

how can any of you insist that i cannot expect anything from him? after this long, he owes me what i deserve. if you can honestly say that he is exempt from stepping up and being a man in this situation, then you belong to a group of heartless people only out for themselves. what he did was cold and deeply shameful. and it hurts so badly because we were way beyond a meaningless **** buddy situation and i really trusted him.

 

he was my ****ing boyfriend, dammit. the outcome i desired was the decent way to be. i was floored and in shock at his behavior.

 

he owed me a bit of comfort. especially when i trusted he would be there because he said he would.

[tinktronik]

the suggestion for revenge was figurative.

 

okay, wait a minute. we began a FWB relationship but it developed into a lot more. we are affectionate when we are around friends and we don't booty call each other, hook up and then he leaves right away. he spends every night with me when he is not at work. i hold him when we sleep and he doesnt pull or push away, when he gets up to get a drink, he puts his pants on, gets the drink and undresses and comes back to bed. it has ****ing developed. i am not a ****ing idiot who would let some ******* use me for sex for more than a year and not get anything out of it. and i thought i explained on the night i told him i was pregnant that i expected us to be exclusive or nothing else. he agreed.

i can be abrasive when provoked and he is always afraid of offending me. right now if he wanted to call me, he would opt not to because he is terrified of me biting his head off and putting him in his place. my language in these threads is conservative and outlines the bulkiest of facts, but leaves out meaningful details about our relationship.

 

he has admitted to mutual friends that he likes me in a genuine way. i am not obssessed with him as much as i am obssessed with the way i appear to him. i always want him to think of me as strong, independent and unmoved by life's petty ups and downs. i care about him, despite his immaturity. and he cares about me, even though when we started it was a FWB situation.

 

he did a grave injustice to me by not being there for me the night of the termination. i expected more from him because he owed me that much. i could forgive him if he asked me to. he put me in the ****ing situation where i FEEL abandoned, read what i write. i didn't say he is solely responsible for the pregnancy. let me spell out the ****ed up situation.

 

i trusted him because we have built up a great deal of trust and i was depending on him to go through the painful suffering with me. not lying around crying with me, but just being there to help me feel normal. i trusted he would be there and he wasn't there. that is what i referred to as the ****ed up situation. why can't anyone see this for what it is??

 

how can any of you insist that i cannot expect anything from him? after this long, he owes me what i deserve. if you can honestly say that he is exempt from stepping up and being a man in this situation, then you belong to a group of heartless people only out for themselves. what he did was cold and deeply shameful. and it hurts so badly because we were way beyond a meaningless **** buddy situation and i really trusted him.

 

he was my ****ing boyfriend, dammit. the outcome i desired was the decent way to be. i was floored and in shock at his behavior.

 

he owed me a bit of comfort. especially when i trusted he would be there because he said he would.

I would NEVER ever ever ever be with or around someone who made these kinds of statements about me or who acted in this manner. EVER.

You have been told straight no one got you into this situation other than you, he helped, but you made a choice as an adult , and you live with it. Perhaps you feel you DESERVED more , but that is not the way that life works especially in a FWB situation. YOU stated that he agreed upon more when you confronted him with the pregnancy, any man put into that situation would say the same things, especially to a woman that was vengeful angry and apparently a woman that he is afraid of. Read the above bolded statements and tell me if you would like to spend time with a person like this. I think you either have a lot of growing up to do, or you are in for a very disapointing and disfunctional life.