Nemo Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 A FWB can be a good way to keep the juices flowing while you ponder future conquests. Something to think about. One definitely comes across as less "eager" when they're getting some regular action.
Trialbyfire Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I agree and I'm not saying that the guy was meaningless to Panda. I just feel like she's being honest with us and with herself when she says that although she liked him she too realized it wasn't going anywhere and decided to have sex with him because she wanted sex with him. From what I see, especially on here, women who try to convince themselves that there is a future with a specific guy although they have been rejected have a very different attitude than Panda. These are the women who go back again and again desperate for the guy to change his mind, they focus on every little excuse they can to find a reason for the rejection that doesn't boil down to the simple truth that the guy just isn't that interested. I feel like panda has accepted that the guy didn't feel like he was falling for her enough and wanted to have sex with him because she felt like it. Insisting that she has low self esteem is really jumping to conclusions, and in my opinion the wrong conclusions. Where I stand is as explained. Add in the validating sex at the end, and the issues aren't as simple as having a fling with someone you only have a brief physical connection with. Otherwise this board would be bursting with thousands upon thousands of threads of people having flings and not caring. "I dated this guy, we did the deed, I'm so glad." "This guy and I were dating, we shagged, it was awesome, we parted ways." "Whoah, this guy's a great lay." "Man, I had a great time last night. Boinketty, boinketty. Sayonara." And on and on and on... Btw, I don't think you know what PA really means.
allina Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Btw, I don't think you know what PA really means. Uhh what? PA as in "passive aggressive"? Why are you bringing this up? Sorry you lost me with this last sentence
Author pandagirl Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 I have been in a situation where I have used sex as a way to keep a man interested, and it was horrible, degrading, and my self-esteem plumetted. With this guy, it's just different. Before we had sex we had a lengthy conversation about what we expect from relationship and what we are looking for. Having that talk made me realize that this is the not guy for me, and we'd actually be completely imcompatible in a relationship. Thus, I was able to put all the emotional stuff out of way and just enjoy sex. That isn't to say that I don't like the guy or care about him, because I do, but he doesn't have my heart.
allina Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Oh, TBF I think I see why you brought up "PA" In my earlier post I said "I believe PA" what I meant to type was "I believe PG" as in Pandagirl. I wasn't referring to passive aggressiveness, though i am aware of what the term means.
Trialbyfire Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 No you tell me, you're the one insisting on this being a deeper issue. I believe PA. Uhh what? PA as in "passive aggressive"? Why are you bringing this up? Sorry you lost me with this last sentence I'm bringing it up because you did. Did you not mean passive aggressive? Edit - Ah, gotcha' allina. I just saw post #32, after posting this.
Nemo Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Thus, I was able to put all the emotional stuff out of way and just enjoy sex. Honestly, he sounds like the perfect FWB. It would be a wonderful regular release for the both of you. Move him to the top of your booty-call speed-dial list.
Author pandagirl Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 hahaha. TOTALLY. This guy is so hot, too. But, honestly, I don't think he'd be into it. And I don't know if I would, too. I'm sure he could be persuaded though. If we are able to actually be friends, and hang out on a regular basis, then the FWB idea goes out the window, because that sounds too complicated. But, if he ends up sucking at the friendship aspect, then yes -- possible booty call. It's so weird! I've never felt so emotionally detached from a guy so quickly before. Guess it goes to show he was right in breaking up with me. haha.
spookie Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 TBF, it's possible to have a meaningful (and sexual) experience with someone and then to part ways. I think that's what it was for PG, not "we fcvked, it was awesome, then he left". She learned something, conquered her personal issues and fears, and THEN he left. That's why there were so many threads: this was meaningful for Panda, even though she doesn't need him around anymore.
Replicant Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 It's so weird! I've never felt so emotionally detached from a guy so quickly before. Guess it goes to show he was right in breaking up with me. haha. Somehow i don't completely believe this, considering all the events and emotion you were investing in this across other threads. It's almost like you sabotaged it recently with a pessimistic approach fueled by insecurities, when initially you wanted something good to come of this..right? Or at least spoke that way. Giving it up to a relationship on it's outs usually hinges on games or screams desperation (especially for a first). It doesn't actually gain you respect from him and in turn lowers yours...I think when reality does set in and your insecurities come back in to play, you are going to crash in contrary to what i had quoted above.
Jilly Bean Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Somehow i don't completely believe this, considering all the events and emotion you were investing in this across other threads. Agreed! Just a few days ago you posted a thread about being so bummed out about him not calling you after you went down on him twice. Why post at all if you were "not that into him". Sounds to me like you are suddenly claiming you weren't into him because he struck first. PG - you don't have to be honest with us, but at least be honest with yourself. Personally, I would NEVER have sex with a guy who told me he didn't want to see me again but that he wanted to bang me only. No matter HOW much I may have wanted to have sex with him, my sense of self-respect would override being treated like that.
spookie Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Somehow i don't completely believe this, considering all the events and emotion you were investing in this across other threads. It's almost like you sabotaged it recently with a pessimistic approach fueled by insecurities, when initially you wanted something good to come of this..right? Or at least spoke that way. Giving it up to a relationship on it's outs usually hinges on games or screams desperation (especially for a first). It doesn't actually gain you respect from him and in turn lowers yours...I think when reality does set in and your insecurities come back in to play, you are going to crash in contrary to what i had quoted above. I don't know where you guys get the statistics for these kinds of assumptions. Personally, I've slept with 5 people total. The first had the x-factor, and I was totally in love with him; it lasted three years, then we broke up and I was devastated. I never pretended I wasn't, though. The next four... all those situations were similar to Panda Girl's. It wasn't that I didn't care, or that those R's weren't meaningful, because I learned a LOT from all those guys about myself, and other people, and what I want, and how to trust... but it didn't work out with any of them, and I wasn't upset, and I never looked back.
Author pandagirl Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 Somehow i don't completely believe this, considering all the events and emotion you were investing in this across other threads. It's almost like you sabotaged it recently with a pessimistic approach fueled by insecurities, when initially you wanted something good to come of this..right? Or at least spoke that way. Giving it up to a relationship on it's outs usually hinges on games or screams desperation (especially for a first). It doesn't actually gain you respect from him and in turn lowers yours...I think when reality does set in and your insecurities come back in to play, you are going to crash in contrary to what i had quoted above. man, why you trying to bring me down, replicant!? Yes, I admit I am by nature very insecure about relationships. But my insecurities weren't really based on HIM. They were based on my own inclinations to think there is something wrong with me and always second guessing myself. I don't think having sex with him made him respect me more, why would it? It was just sex between two people who felt comfortable with each other and with complete knowledge and resolution that things were not going to work out. He believes in passionate relationships full of intensity and lust; I believe in relationships that move slowly, based on trust and friendship. It was never going to work out. And I know this.
spookie Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Agreed! Just a few days ago you posted a thread about being so bummed out about him not calling you after you went down on him twice. Why post at all if you were "not that into him". Sounds to me like you are suddenly claiming you weren't into him because he struck first. PG - you don't have to be honest with us, but at least be honest with yourself. Personally, I would NEVER have sex with a guy who told me he didn't want to see me again but that he wanted to bang me only. No matter HOW much I may have wanted to have sex with him, my sense of self-respect would override being treated like that. He didn't tell her he never wanted to see her again, he just said he wasn't feeling "it". We all know what "it" is, and props to him for being honest. Most guys in that situation would have stayed silent, slept with her, and then either disappeared or faded away. Or - worse- treated her half-heartedly whilst continuing with the sex. Props to him for being honest, and props to panda for not making sex what it doesn't need to be: a tool for bargaining, manipulation.
Tomcat33 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 . It doesn't actually gain you respect from him and in turn lowers yours...I think when reality does set in and your insecurities come back in to play, you are going to crash in contrary to what i had quoted above. She doesn't need respect or lack there of from him they are DONE. She just wanted to get laid. Why is that SO hard for people to understand?!?! Contrary to what some think, I think reality HAS set in for her, she has accepted there will be nothing more between them because he is not interested in pursuing something commited with her, there is a sense of liberation and ease in accepting this notion. Insecurities stem from fear, mostly fear of loss, she has "lost" him so there is nothing more to fear therefore nothing more to feel insecure about. Seems pretty simple to me. Why hyper analize this woman's actions!?!?! Maybe those hyperanalizing are "insecure" about pursueing their sexual side with a man no strings attached, and wish they could? Hey Panda was it good? (that was rhetorical you don't need to answer that)
Author pandagirl Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 The only reason he WAS honest with me is because I was so honest with him about the herpes, and I made him PROMISE to break things off if he wasn't feeling "it", because I have no desire to be with someone who isn't completely into me. He even told me that normally he wouldn't tell a girl this, that he'd just sleep with me and fade away, like Spookie said, but that him being honest with me was "par for the course of our relationship" and he didn't want to do that to me. He may not care for my as a girlfriend, but he does as a person.
Tomcat33 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Personally, I would NEVER have sex with a guy who told me he didn't want to see me again but that he wanted to bang me only. No matter HOW much I may have wanted to have sex with him, my sense of self-respect would override being treated like that. Yes but you don't have herpes so it might be easier to find willing partners for sex so maybe Panda's pool of sexual candidates is smaller than the average woman's because she has the virus. Just a thought. So if you have someone you trust and who is willing having all the facts infront of him, why not?
Author pandagirl Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 This is the first time I have never cried over a guy. That tells me something. I will miss kissing him and holding his hand, but I can get that from any guy really. He didn't fulfill any of my emotional needs, which is probably why I'm so OK with being dumped. haha. And, yes, the sex was good. He has an amazing body! haha.
Author pandagirl Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 Yes but you don't have herpes so it might be easier to find willing partners for sex so maybe Panda's pool of sexual candidates is smaller than the average woman's because she has the virus. Just a thought. So if you have someone you trust and who is willing having all the facts infront of him, why not? Yup! Also, it made me realize that herpes really IS NOT a big deal to many people. He was basically willing to have a "one night stand" sort of thing with me, knowing the risks, without ANY hesitation
Nemo Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Yup! Also, it made me realize that herpes really IS NOT a big deal to many people. He was basically willing to have a "one night stand" sort of thing with me, knowing the risks, without ANY hesitation Like I said, props to him for getting educated. There is no risk of transmission when you're not having an outbreak.
Tomcat33 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Yup! Also, it made me realize that herpes really IS NOT a big deal to many people. He was basically willing to have a "one night stand" sort of thing with me, knowing the risks, without ANY hesitation Exactly it served many purposes for you, it actually made you feel better about your situation it says a lot that guy liked you enough as person to not let the fact you have the virus get in the way. I think the term "low self esteem" gets thrown around adnauseum around these types of boards based on nothing more than amature assesments of human beings. You know what I say to that? People who use the words "you have low self esteem" all the time, have low self esteem.
Nemo Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 it says a lot that guy liked you enough as person to not let the fact you have the virus get in the way. If a girl is hot enough, then the guy will want to get his noodle wet no matter what.
Author pandagirl Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 Exactly it served many purposes for you, it actually made you feel better about your situation it says a lot that guy liked you enough as person to not let the fact you have the virus get in the way. : I never thought about it that way, but you are right. It has made me feel better about my situation. I now know that if a guy sincerely likes me, like this guy did/does, HSV will probably not be an issue. I just don't think a lot of the naysayers here understand that this short relationship has provided me SO MUCH personal growth. I have conquered a lot of personal demons, which is why I'm almost giddy about everything. It's helped me regain some of my latent mojo that has been absent for the last five years. It's helped me realize that guys will like me for ME and not avoid me just because I have herpes. And most of all, it's made me realize I am capable of being open and honest, no matter how scary it seems. I feel more confident and ready to go out and meet some new boys!
Author pandagirl Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 If a girl is hot enough, then the guy will want to get his noodle wet no matter what. He told me: "on paper you are perfect -- smart, funny, beautiful, sexy, interesting, creative and smart." not a bad thing to hear. not everyone can fall in love with me, but i'll take the compliments.
Tomcat33 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 If a girl is hot enough, then the guy will want to get his noodle wet no matter what. Yes but if you had a sexually transmitable disease you would have insecurities too, that doesn't mean you have low selfesteem it means you would have insecurities that are natural and stem from the fact that most people out there DO have a problem with contracting an STD. It is not about what the guy in question wanted it is about what Panda wanted, and Panda wanted to sleep with him. I don't understand why people are hellbent on putting her down for what she did? I never thought about it that way, but you are right. It has made me feel better about my situation. I now know that if a guy sincerely likes me, like this guy did/does, HSV will probably not be an issue. I just don't think a lot of the naysayers here understand that this short relationship has provided me SO MUCH personal growth. I have conquered a lot of personal demons, which is why I'm almost giddy about everything. It's helped me regain some of my latent mojo that has been absent for the last five years. It's helped me realize that guys will like me for ME and not avoid me just because I have herpes. And most of all, it's made me realize I am capable of being open and honest, no matter how scary it seems. I feel more confident and ready to go out and meet some new boys! I believe that you are ok with what happened I really do. I have a friend who has never had a long term relationship, she has some isssues from childhood that prevented her from forming normal relationships with men and she is absolutely clueless as to how to be courted by a man from lack of experience. She is gorgeous I mean very attractive woman and great personality, career and driven and she can get many guys but they don't stick around she makes mistake after mistake after mistake and they lose interest. At times she gets frustrated with me because she asks for my guidance and then she does the complete opposite because she is stubborn and set in her ways only to find that she keeps repeating the same patterns time and time and again with the exact same outcome, misery. Anyway she is at the point now where she really wants to settle down and despertately wants a boyfriend. She passes up all these opportunities to go out with men that are LESS than perfect for what she is looking for and meanwhile time is passing and she has learnend nothing about how to deal with men. As I always tell her, GO OUT THERE DATE MEN AND MAKE MISTAKES even with men you are not that into because it is better to learn from having experience than to sit around at home waiting for MR perfect to waltz into your life because when he does you will lose him as quickly as you can say "call me?". Every experience we have in the game of love serves as an experience to teach us things about ourselves, there is no one experience that does not. Every romantic connection with have serves as a stepping stone towards the ideal situation we aim to be in. At least that is how I see it. I can appreciate some people won't understand or even adehere to that idea but that's fine. Panda I think you are fine you will get what you need from this situation and be on your way.
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