Nevermind Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Just from an outside view. Not even taking my emotions into consideration, I can't understand how he can feel so good about himself. He cheated on me for months. He had me spend a lot of money on him during his last visit, I spoiled him completely with attention and love all the time. We broke up. He tried to reconcile (I didn't know about the affair then). I found out. He says, that he would break up with her, later says he broke up. We talk. I find out he kept on with his lies. For nearly a week it is me: please, just be honest with me for once. He: big story, tears, fat lies. I wrote his other girlfriend a line, just telling her that there had been two girlfriends when they started. He said that I was ridiculous, that he despised me, that he didn't care wether I was dead or not. At the end of the week (note it was his lies, not the infidelity that caused it) I was close to suicide and he knew. His lasts words made me go over the edge. Now I know he had never broken up with her or reconciled with her shortly after. I don't really care about this, BUT he kept writing me e-mails saying that he wanted forgiveness, that he wanted us to be together one day, that he wanted to hear from me. I wrote him that I could not even think about any "being together" but that I would like to forgive him, but just wasn't ready. His reponse: he doesn't care about my forgiveness. The past is past. More e-mails and more lies later, I finally call him (after he said how perfect I had always been and how he never appreciated it) and ask him whether he is going to be honest (not about the girl, just stopping writing me those things and then messing with me when I relate to them) or whether he wants me to **** off. His voice was pleasant, his tone was nice. He chose **** off. He is enjoying his life, has booked a holiday with the new/old girl, they will probably make the Long Distance work and marry. He dismissed her as "being a way to spend time" and that might even be true, after all he did cheat with me on her as well. We broke up the 17th of April, the 4th of May I found out about his cheating. One week was only devastating, cruel lies. Then one week of no contact. Then the whole one-day-I-hope.. How can you see this as long past already? How can he just shrug it off and live and be happy? He wrote me a couple of days before that he would never forgive himself what he did. How can he just say those things and then feel different? I am really just not understanding how this works. I don't want him back. I just don't get it. I so would like to be able to forgive, because I hate feeling negative about someone. And he just threw it right back at me. I feel very bad today.
motive2002 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 You are under no obligation to forgive him. You don't owe him anything. You realize that the sooner you completely distance yourself from this guy the better off you'll be, right? Going hardcore NC at this point is recommended. Don't so much as give him the time of day. Let him understand that you don't want to have anything to do with a low-life like him. He'll regret the mistakes he's made, but too bad. There's no way you'd ever give him a chance to hurt you again like that. You're worth more than that. You deserve better than that. Look at how good you were to this guy. There's going to be someone out there that's worthy of your love and affection. Don't waste any more of it on this scumbag. Hang in there Nevermind. You have so much insight when it comes to helping others... maybe use some of it on yourself
Author Nevermind Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 I don't want him back. My heart is still broken, but I really don't want him back. I would like to take all of the things I did and said back, not him. He was bad to me all during the relationship. Sure he could be great, charming, make me feel good, but only on his conditions. I was difficult, and he used this to make me feel inferior and not worthy of him. I don't want him back. And he most likely doesn't want me back. It's just...how can you do all this, how can you behave so badly and yet feel so great and not care at all anymore? He does not regret anything. I would like to forgive him, but not for his sake. Forgiving him would mean I am over it. Yet he can't let me have that. It's just...how can you be like this...write me he wants us to be together some time...and then book a flight with the other girl...after all of that..and saying he will never forgive himself...and then: the past doesn't matter at all. After his lies drove me so far, brought me to my weekest point...to keep on with the lies..how can you do that? It's so weird...and alien to me.
tealeafbud Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I'm sorry Nevermind. He treated you so cruelly. That is no way to treat another person. The simple answer is that it will take time to heal. YOu know this. I think that once you accept the break up, it may help you let go of some of the questions you have. You'll never really know the answers to some of those concerns. It's simply a fact. Even knowing the answers won't help you heal faster, so why even bother? It's definitely banging your head against a wall. motive is right about NC. It's best to move on and live your life. Get as much support as you can. Stay strong.
ioncebelieved Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 You know, I think that it is completely normal not wishing the one that hurt us happiness to a certain point. When you find real happiness then I would say that would change. I know that you may not want him back, but YOU REALLY do want to know how he can feel good about himself!!!! As I recover, I hope that my love, ex love or whatever I can call her feels some shame and sadness for what she has done. When you give your all only to be hurt, that is hard to overcome. Leaves you with thinking that you will never give so much again!!! Try to smile Nevermind, because I feel for you!!!!
Author Nevermind Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 Thank you. I cannot imagine being like this to anybody ever again. Truly can't. Truly don't want to. It's simply not understandable to me. Why he would write me those lies, that he wanted me back, that he would never forgive himself and then the second I reply to any of it, he draws back or flat out lies again. What's to be gained by it? I wish we would have broken up before we went Long Distance - I wanted to, he insisted under tears that we should try. Why keep telling me things that I didn't want to hear and the moment I reply, because I wanted to learn to forgive, he is all aloof and cold. I know...I will never have an answer to that. It just seems so cruel.
Ssheena Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 He is simply "not a nice person". Unfortunately, there are these sub-types of humans that are just without morals. Things are never their fault, they are perfect. You, however, are a nice, caring person who would never treat someone the way he did. Bad person/good person. My last boyfriend was a good person but he is mentally unstable and a mooch. I think there are different degrees of good and bad. Yours was borderline evil. One can only hope that one day he will get his but it might not be until his next lifetime.
Author Nevermind Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 I know, I should just get over it and I am not making enough progress. But I am crying right now, and I am asking myself why he couldn't just let me alone, if I was just a joke for him. If I was always so ridiculous..Why didn't he let me be? Why did he have to speak about forgiveness and then laugh in my face when I mention it? Why did he have to speak about getting back together as if I had begged him? I never did, not once! At least, this I have. Why did he have to do this to me even after everything was done? He wrote me, I just responded. Why is that so ridiculous? Why was I just a joke? I tried so hard, so hard...if that wasn't enough. Nothing is. I called everybody I know, asked about having a coffee, going to the cinema. Nobody has time, nobody wants to spend time with me. I am going through this alone. There is only loveshack, and I am sorry to write so much and be so whiny, but there is just nowhere else to go.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 I called everybody I know, asked about having a coffee, going to the cinema. Nobody has time, nobody wants to spend time with me. I am going through this alone. There is only loveshack, and I am sorry to write so much and be so whiny, but there is just nowhere else to go. NM, what an awful person! I'm sorry no one is around today. I've been there. I am happy to read your posts all day Want to dance around and sing silly songs with me? I have no plans.
Author Nevermind Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 Thank you, Charlotte. How is your art coming? Are you working on something special?
LikeCharlotte Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Thank you, Charlotte. How is your art coming? Are you working on something special?I was working on something very special until recently. I decided to abandon it for awhile because I couldn't stop thinking the he would never see it, so what was the point. Right now I'm working on a plan for a painting about my healing. I've had a lot of thoughts but I think I like the idea of including muted cherry blossoms. Blooming but not thriving... How about yourself? Good books that you've read? Anything interesting?
Author Nevermind Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 Not really...I reread David Copperfield, which is okay, and I tried cien anos de soledad, but the style is too high for my Spanish or my liking right now. It is good, but needs too much effort. A while ago I reread Winter's Tale by Helprin. Good, but *surprise* very wintery. Gosh..I can't start new books, can't focus long enough. Did you know that cherry blossom leaves fall with a speed of 5 centimetres per second? Sorry..I am too messed up for a decent conversation, I think.
Lookingforward Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 I called everybody I know, asked about having a coffee, going to the cinema. Nobody has time, nobody wants to spend time with me. I am going through this alone. There is only loveshack, and I am sorry to write so much and be so whiny, but there is just nowhere else to go. Don't sweat it NM, sometimes that's the way life seems to go, when you need someone to talk to the most is when they all vanish on you........ But LS is here and if you can't "whine" here, then where can you ? <offers cheese to go with the whine>
LikeCharlotte Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Did you know that cherry blossom leaves fall with a speed of 5 centimetres per second? Sorry..I am too messed up for a decent conversation, I think. I'm going to use that information. Beautiful. I used to dream about cherry blossoms falling. It's ok if you aren't up for "decent" conversation. Just hang on and know that people are here if you need to reach out.
Recommended Posts