MrsHellnoFire Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 "Our baby is wonderful, though...couldn't be more perfect. I just hope we can give him a nurturing environment...which will most likely be us living in separate homes." I also believe you should not be enforcing or encouraging this unnatural and unhealthy fixated idea of "perfection" she has in any way. This means you have flaws, make them more apparent, and she has to accept them. You CEASE trying to measure up to her expectations.. all this time in the marriage you have been on eggshells trying to accomodate her which is only encouraging her outrageous behavior. In fact it's more like an obsessed compulsion with her and feeding into it will only exacerbate the problem.
Dutchess Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I know this is going against what others have said. I was wondering if your wife might have PostPartum Depression, it doesn't necessarily have to be just thoughts of hurting the baby, it can cause extreme aggression. I went through a similar time with my husband where nothing was good enough, and have thought about divorce many times, even though he has always treated me well, this was only after we had our son. I know its hard but you might have to look at your wife as having an illness, and accept the fact that you alone can't change or help her. She has to want to get help and be happy with her family. I would really look into postpartum depression because it does sound that way to me. Did she act this way before becoming pregnant? I wish you the best of luck, either way things will get better with time. Hang in there!
OWoman Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Did she act this way before becoming pregnant? Oh Boy did she! Read his previous threads - if you do a search on LankyGuy they'll come up - and you'll get the picture. Her problems can't be wished away on a few free-range hormones, sadly...
kbah Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 First of all, I cringe at the attitude some people take against people with BPD. Yes, I have people in my family who have it so I do personally understand what you are going through. She is not a mental illness...she is a person who suffers to regulate her emotions and, consequently, you pay the price. Compassion, people. I notice you mentioned that she has 1000 friends and everyone else loves her. There is nothing wrong with you. This is a typical borderline trait. She only takes it out on the one closest to her because she knows you are least like to put her through her ultimate fear...abandonment. There is hope for you and her. I do agree that you need to do what is best for YOU and your son, but I want to make it very clear that there is hope. Everyone always seems so sure there is NO HOPE for a person with borderline, but there is....I recover everyday. I really hope this works out for you, especially since you have a son involved. Obviously she needs counseling, but needs to realize it for herself to really make her want to go. The recovery process is exausting and a LOT of work and focus...you need to really want it. If you do decide to stick with her and support her to seek help here are some tips for dealing with her attacks: Stay who you are. You don't need to change for her. Her criticism is not even about you. It is not about her trying to see if she can make you do something either. BPD's don't think like that. She is solely criticizing because she is unhappy with herself. That's it. So she projects it onto you to make you feel equally as low. Notice how many comments she makes about you and your mother. She does not feel good about her mother, so she projects onto you and in return does not want you to feel good about your mother either. Point being, when she says something like this...just stay calm. It will end soon when she calms down. She wants to elicit a reaction that will only fuel the fire. If she says, "You are a poor excuse for a man." Put it back on her and take the focus off you. Say something in a very calm, emotionless, and serious tone....no sarcasm or bitterness. Maybe you can say..."Really? I'm sorry you feel that way. I am confused why you are with me then." It's all about situational eleviation. Oh, also....if you ever do want to discuss something with her that is regarding her borderline behavior. ALWAYS start with having sympathy for her situation. For example, "It must have been really hard for you living with your mom when she treated you like that. You know how it made you feel when she said (fill in the blank)...that is how I feel when you say (fill in the blank) to me. You need to communicate exactly what you are feeling and model how you express your feelings and emotions. That is one of her biggest struggles. She is so overwhelmed with emotion that she cannot even begin to communicate it so it comes out in rants and screaming criticism. Use "I" statements to talk about how you are feeling. Sound easy? Coping and handing this disorder takes a lot of work and patience. It's frustrating and you may want to give up, but at least you have support here and some, hopefully, helpful tips! I truly hoped this helped. I go to regular counseling for suffering from BPD traits that I picked up from my mom and grandma. So I understand...from both sides. Keep me updated!
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