Lanky Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Well...there's been a lot of problems since I've posted here last and life has taken lots of turns. I've made some big mistakes myself recently....It's been a mess. I've changed my name a little, but some of you may remember me. Amid a lot of other crap, she found that I posted here and, despite my pleadings, she read the posts. I told her that they were my private thoughts and that those and others' responses may be hurtful to her, and I didn't want that. She read the posts anyways. She was absolutely livid that I put "our life" on the internet. Of course...none of you know who we are, but she doesn't care....I paid a big price for that. But it was worth, I think. I've gained a lot of perspective her... Our baby is now here...he's wonderful....he's a month old today. I've tried to please her, but it's been hell. She continually raises the bar for how I should act, look, and respond to her. I've realized I'm in a fully abusive relationship and our counselor who's seen her 8 or so times and seen me at least twice as many, thinks she has borderline personality disorder (BPD)...and probably histrionic, dependent, and narcissitic PD's also...and her 1000 friends think she's the cat's meow. Our baby is wonderful, though...couldn't be more perfect. I just hope we can give him a nurturing environment...which will most likely be us living in separate homes. She kicked me aout of the house against my will 11 days ago despite my best efforts to make her happy and change myself the ways she's wanted....I've given up my hobbies, changed my hair, the way I dress, and have done more around the house to try to make her happy...to no avail. She continues the abuse and is now on a "you're not a man" kick. I've recently heard "I hate you." "I can't stand you" "Your whole family has mental and psychological problems" "You have NO personality" "You're to blame" "You're depressed" "You need to suck it up" "So I scream a little...every one does!" "All my friends tell their husbands the want to kill them" "I hope you die" " I hate hate hate hate your mother" "Don't talk about your effing mother" " This isn't the time to work on your relationship with your mother" "I feel bad for you...you're trying to crawl into your mother's heart" That's just to name a few... The last fight we had while still living together, she told me I'm a worthless excuse for a man...and this was because I "allowed" her to take our new baby on a roadtrip to see her family...a trip that SHE suggested. And because I ruined her first Mother's Day, because the presents weren't from the baby...they were from me...and because I waited til 1 pm to give them to her..and because I didn't put a rose in the baby's hand and say it was from him...and other things that didn't meet her expectations. Sorry, this is probably not making sense, but I'm down and have had a few drinks while staying at my mom's house tonight. I'm reading about emotional abuse, emotional blackmail, and BPD and it's scary. My wife is esteemed in her field (teaching), has dozens of friends, but treats me like a posession of hers to manipulate, control, and demean. I know that her mother did it to her. She'll do the same to our son if I'm not careful. Our counselor has stressed this... If she treats me like a child, imagine how she'll treat him... Our counselor...whom she refuses to go to any longer has told me that she MUST go to individual counseling and own up to her problems, disorder, and abuse if we ever want to have a normal relationship. She refuses to take any responsibility and continues to verbally and emotionally abuse me...even while we're separated. I worry that she's becoming bipolar now...she scares me at times. She's been berating me for being "depressed" latety...well...WTF!? Our counselor told me he can't believe I'm more depressed than I am... On Tuesday, our counselor asked me how much more I'm willing to take from her and if I've finally gotten the idea that I will NEVER please her. I get the impression that he thinks I should get the "F" out...actually I know he thinks that...even though we have a newborn. What a mess I've gotten myself into. I asked her if we divorce if she'll keep the baby from me. She said that she can't but she wants to so that he doesn't turn out like me... She's gonna make my life hell if I leave her...she's doing it already... Sorry for the rant...thanks for listening... Lanky...
whichwayisup Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 She read the posts anyways. She was absolutely livid that I put "our life" on the internet. She should be glad you're reaching out and asking for advice. I think it's great. Sorry that you're going through this. It sounds like she is very unstable, so maybe right now isn't a good time to move out until she gets on meds and calms down. Honestly and I hate to say this, but you are the stable parent right now so your baby may not be safe with her, especially since she's freaking out and high strung, the baby WILL pick up on that. Ask for help, include your family too, hopefully they'll be willing to help out.
Author Lanky Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 No...she doesn't actually read this forum. She just logged in and searched for posts made by me...
Bright Shadow Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 She kicked me aout of the house against my will 11 days ago despite my best efforts to make her happy and change myself the ways she's wanted....I've given up my hobbies, changed my hair, the way I dress, and have done more around the house to try to make her happy...to no avail. She continues the abuse and is now on a "you're not a man" kick. I've recently heard "I hate you." "I can't stand you" "Your whole family has mental and psychological problems" "You have NO personality" "You're to blame" "You're depressed" "You need to suck it up" "So I scream a little...every one does!" "All my friends tell their husbands the want to kill them" "I hope you die" " I hate hate hate hate your mother" "Don't talk about your effing mother" " This isn't the time to work on your relationship with your mother" "I feel bad for you...you're trying to crawl into your mother's heart" That's just to name a few... You've interpreted what she wants entirely incorrectly. Understandable given that she's telling you one thing while actually wanting you to do something else entirely. All that stuff you've been doing for her... it's never enough, right? Here's the secret she hasn't been telling you. She never really wanted you to do any of it. More than a few women are this way. They ask you to do something for them, then they're happier when you turn them down. She's checking up whether you're capable of standing up to her and are therefore capable of standing up to someone else on your or her account. I know it's almost completely illogical. But for your wife it's vital. Your counselor is trying to tell you this, but he (she) is sugar coating it too much. If you want to test this theory out, next time you disagree with your wife, take a stand. Show her some real backbone. No anger, just an iron will.
Bright Shadow Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 And stop worrying about posting on the forum. She's being unreasonable again.
Tony T Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 No...she doesn't actually read this forum. She just logged in and searched for posts made by me... Lanky, Lanky whatever, if your wife can't pick up on the change if she's intent on reading your stuff she's not very bright. I would have changed your username far more dramatically for certain privacy.
GPFan Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Our baby is now here...he's wonderful....he's a month old today. <snip> Our baby is wonderful, though...couldn't be more perfect. I just hope we can give him a nurturing environment...which will most likely be us living in separate homes. Hi Lanky, First, congratulations on your beautiful baby boy! I am so sorry to read of your difficulties. I recommend you read the experiences of those who were raised by women suffering from BPD. It will prepare you to help your son. A good forum is BPD Central. I'm reading about emotional abuse, emotional blackmail, and BPD and it's scary. My wife is esteemed in her field (teaching), has dozens of friends, but treats me like a posession of hers to manipulate, control, and demean. I know that her mother did it to her. She'll do the same to our son if I'm not careful. Our counselor has stressed this... If she treats me like a child, imagine how she'll treat him... Our counselor...whom she refuses to go to any longer has told me that she MUST go to individual counseling and own up to her problems, disorder, and abuse if we ever want to have a normal relationship. She refuses to take any responsibility and continues to verbally and emotionally abuse me...even while we're separated. I worry that she's becoming bipolar now...she scares me at times. She's been berating me for being "depressed" latety...well...WTF!? Our counselor told me he can't believe I'm more depressed than I am... On Tuesday, our counselor asked me how much more I'm willing to take from her and if I've finally gotten the idea that I will NEVER please her. I get the impression that he thinks I should get the "F" out...actually I know he thinks that...even though we have a newborn. What a mess I've gotten myself into. I asked her if we divorce if she'll keep the baby from me. She said that she can't but she wants to so that he doesn't turn out like me... She's gonna make my life hell if I leave her...she's doing it already... Your wife is high-functioning sufferer of BPD. This means you have your work cut out for you. Your chances of gaining sole custody would be better if she were low-functioning. Many therapists will refuse to work with those BPD. A few specialise in it. It is very difficult to get a person with BPD to attend counselling. Again, if she were low-functioning it would be easier to force her into treatment. Does she self-injure? If she does, that might be a start toward convicing her she needs help. It might be best to accept now that your life will be a roller coaster as long as your are co-parenting with her. Boring moments will be few-and-far-between. The best advice I can offer is to read, read, read and become expert at establishing strong personal boundaries. I wish all the best for all of you. Take care.
Art_Critic Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 There is a great book that is written for someone who loves or is in a relationship with a BPD.. " Stop Walking On Eggshells " by Randi Kreger ... Well worth the read since you will always be tied to her thru the baby.. I'm with the others about changing your username further.. your wife will start reading this forum more now that she knows you posted here.. and congrats on the baby..
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Even if she doesn't have a personality disorder - I think she is simply using you as a babymaker and a paycheck since she found that you weren't the man she thought you "could be". She treats you poorly because she does not love you and because you aren't much more to her than a source of sperm and income. I think taking the focus off of 'curing' her and putting the focus on 'divorcing' her might be a better bet. Your child will not benefit from living with a parent who abuses the other parent. You may find that your child will benefit more fully from having two loving households instead of one definitely hostile one. I would be greatly concerned about your child if she is BPD, and you should do everything in your legal power to get the greater share, if not all of the custody. I've given up my hobbies, changed my hair, the way I dress, and have done more around the house to try to make her happy...to no avail. Your changes won't mean a thing. She is the one who has to change. You taking on the changes is like her having cancer, and you taking the chemo for it.
GPFan Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I would be greatly concerned about your child if she is BPD, and you should do everything in your legal power to get the greater share, if not all of the custody. This bears repeating. Serious stuff! Even if you don't gain full custody, your son will be able to experience a "normal" home life.
Darth Vader Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 The best way to stand up to her, is to drop the Bitch! She's mad alright, for you trying to get help for what she's doing? Contact a good lawyer, get your son and drop her Ass!
Darth Vader Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I agree about going sole custody of your son, this woman is an abuser.
jimbob96 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I am tough. In fact, I have a reputation as a "tough guy". I am strong willed. I am very intelligent. I am extremely independent in thought and in deed. 22 years ago, I married a woman who sounds very much like the woman you married, though I certainly did not recognize the fact at the time. Nothing I did was right, or good enough. Nothing I did pleased her. She poisoned my business opportunities. She did her level best to control every aspect of my life. She used our kids against me. I am tough, and I am strong. But water wears away the hardest rock, and she was relentless. She finally drove me into a deep depression and I became suicidal. I left her about 19 months ago. Since then, I have been putting my life back together. I married her 22 years ago, I should have left her 20 years ago. Be advised. You aren't going to change her, and it won't get better.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 DIVORCE HER ALREADY!!! SHE CANT STOP YOU FROM GETTING A LAWYER AND FILING PAPERS! What's bad is that your a man and your letting a woman abuse you? WTF? You need to call your friends pack all her **** up and get her azz out the door.
Mz. Pixie Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 This bears repeating. Serious stuff! Even if you don't gain full custody, your son will be able to experience a "normal" home life. I agree. My mother had a borderline personality disorder and made my life hell.
Kenyth Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Regardless of her sanity, you do need to build up a little backbone. How did she "Kick you out"? Did she call the police? If my wife told me I was kicked out and to get out, I'd probably laugh and offer to let her try to drag me, but I digress. Based on your story, I don't think standing up to her will change much, but it will certainly make you feel better. I know it's probably pretty hard, but try not to let her get to you. If you're already out and have your belongings, then good riddance to bad rubbish. As far as you responses to her attitude? I'd forego attempts at logical discourse right now. For starters, do what she asks a lot less and tell her to go "!@#$%" herself a lot more.
GPFan Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Regardless of her sanity, you do need to build up a little backbone. How did she "Kick you out"? Did she call the police? If my wife told me I was kicked out and to get out, I'd probably laugh and offer to let her try to drag me... This behaviour with a high-functioning sufferer of BPD will land him in enough hot water to keep his attorney laughing all the way to the bank for years. Really, not a laughing matter at all.
Kenyth Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 This behaviour with a high-functioning sufferer of BPD will land him in enough hot water to keep his attorney laughing all the way to the bank for years. Really, not a laughing matter at all. Sorry, my attitude now that I've lived life a bit is that I don't respond to intimidation or coercion, at all. It's unacceptable, period. You may get the best of me, but it WILL cost you, and it WON'T be easy. Too many people know exactly how to take advantage of someone who's scared to lose. So, go ahead and start heating the water up if it pleases you, but you may want to wear a helmet when you bring it my way.
Art_Critic Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Sorry, my attitude now that I've lived life a bit is that I don't respond to intimidation or coercion, at all. It's unacceptable, period. You may get the best of me, but it WILL cost you, and it WON'T be easy. Too many people know exactly how to take advantage of someone who's scared to lose. So, go ahead and start heating the water up if it pleases you, but you may want to wear a helmet when you bring it my way. Have you ever tried to divorce someone who is BPD and unmedicated ?..
Kenyth Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Have you ever tried to divorce someone who is BPD and unmedicated ?.. OK, I imagine it's difficult. Probably very difficult. What other option do you recommend? Laying down?
Bright Shadow Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Have you ever tried to divorce someone who is BPD and unmedicated ?.. No. Nevertheless Lanky is probably going to have to go through it. Personally, I think Kenyth has the more serious part of it right. It would have been better to refuse to go. Even better to kick her out instead. If you think I'm wrong, look at the situation now. Lanky's wife has the family home, which in many puts her in the box seat in court. She also got the new born and probably controls access.
Kenyth Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Mind you, I don't want to seem insensitive. I think the whole situation is god-awful, and that trying to break up a marriage with a new baby is irresponsible and heartless. There's nothing lower. Regardless, she's not leaving him any option but "Tooth and nail". Sometimes, you've gotta fight.
MrsHellnoFire Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 why suffer more hell for another YEAR, much less a few decades. are you kidding me? what id like to know is how this relationship started and if you saw signs before marriage and if so, why you still took the plunge. divorce is not heartless. what IS irresponsible is staying in a screwy relationship putting everyone including the child in harms way. the baby is too young to know any better; it's best to break it off at this age or there will be excuse after excuse once they reach the age to know better. the only thing heartless is the crazy woman in the middle of this mess. i really hope this guy gets sole custody as this perfectionist nut has no business raising children. if this guy is out of the picture, who is she left to abuse? well you guessed it. when the baby fails to meet her perfect expectations, how can someone this unbalanced even begin to deal with it? her bizarre & abnormal behavior sounds pretty serious to me and it's not anything you want your child exposed to. what would i do? not leave her for fear of my child's safety until there is enough evidence for you to make a clear break and be granted sole custody. so she gets alimony.. does it make sense to stay when the outcome will likely be insanity for you as well? make a log of all of her harmful actions with dates and times, if any, and take pictures if there is physical evidence. now i am only going by the tone and content of original post. if you exaggerated in any way, then i think this is something you really need to talk to with a psychologist. it's important to demand her to go as well as your whole life is resting on some sort of intervention.
OWoman Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 She kicked me aout of the house against my will 11 days ago despite my best efforts to make her happy and change myself the ways she's wanted....I've given up my hobbies, changed my hair, the way I dress, and have done more around the house to try to make her happy...to no avail. She continues the abuse and is now on a "you're not a man" kick. I've recently heard "I hate you." "I can't stand you" "Your whole family has mental and psychological problems" "You have NO personality" "You're to blame" "You're depressed" "You need to suck it up" "So I scream a little...every one does!" "All my friends tell their husbands the want to kill them" "I hope you die" " I hate hate hate hate your mother" "Don't talk about your effing mother" " This isn't the time to work on your relationship with your mother" "I feel bad for you...you're trying to crawl into your mother's heart" That's just to name a few... The last fight we had while still living together, she told me I'm a worthless excuse for a man...and this was because I "allowed" her to take our new baby on a roadtrip to see her family...a trip that SHE suggested. And because I ruined her first Mother's Day, because the presents weren't from the baby...they were from me...and because I waited til 1 pm to give them to her..and because I didn't put a rose in the baby's hand and say it was from him...and other things that didn't meet her expectations. I'm reading about emotional abuse, emotional blackmail, and BPD and it's scary. My wife is esteemed in her field (teaching), has dozens of friends, but treats me like a posession of hers to manipulate, control, and demean. I know that her mother did it to her. She'll do the same to our son if I'm not careful. Our counselor has stressed this... If she treats me like a child, imagine how she'll treat him... Our counselor...whom she refuses to go to any longer has told me that she MUST go to individual counseling and own up to her problems, disorder, and abuse if we ever want to have a normal relationship. She refuses to take any responsibility and continues to verbally and emotionally abuse me...even while we're separated. I worry that she's becoming bipolar now...she scares me at times. She's been berating me for being "depressed" latety...well...WTF!? Our counselor told me he can't believe I'm more depressed than I am... Lanky - this sounds so much like the M my MM left some months back. Your W sounds scarily like his. She also bailed from counselling once the counsellor suggested she may have to change her behaviour to something more acceptable too. And of course, it's always all your fault. I'll bet when she read how we slated her on the forum for her abuse, that was somehow your fault to and not an objective assessment of how heinous her behaviour was. And continues to be. You have a child now. You cannot, responsibly, allow the child to suffer what you are going through. You've seen the effects of that kind of parenting (your W) and frankly she should never have been allowed to breed without first having gone through therapy. I fear for that child. You are an adult and can walk away - hard as it is, given that she has your boy bits in her handbag - but the child can't. And, being a boy, will no doubt come in for even more hostility and blame as she'll start seeing you in him and wanting to beat that out of him. I hope not physically, but one never knows. He's smaller and can't fight back, and at this stage can't tell tales either so there's no knowing where she'll stop. Lanky you have to set up a safe house for this child. It cannot be the house she lives in because the abuse she is subjecting you to rules that out. If you can't, then do the decent thing and ask welfare to foster the child until you are strong enough to leave and provide a safe home for your child. This woman is high risk and you cannot leave your child vulnerable to that. Phone an abuse helpline if you need assistance - I don't know the divorce laws where you stay, but the "expert testimony" of your counsellor should secure you the main - if not sole - custody of the child, and if she continues to abuse you, get a protection order against her and don't hesitate to have her arrested and locked up if she violates it. That may yet be the only way you'll ever break free from her. Good luck.
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