v33 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Why do we cling to the memories of an ex that cheated or abused us, or just wasn't right for us? Why do we want a second chance with someone that did us wrong? I know why I did. I was scared to death of being single again. I was afraid to try to meet new women and build a new relationship with someone. It was easy with my ex to just be myself, as lame as I had become. It was safe. She finally moved on. The the safety net was gone. Oh no! I have been neglecting my needs and myself for years because I was complacent and comfortable in a relationship, and one that caused me daily pain at that. But that wasn't as frightening of the thought of starting all over, so I stayed. When she left, I couldn't let go. I should have left her ages ago, and I didn't stay with her because I loved her. I stayed because I was scared of life without her. Big difference. I love little breakthroughs like this!
miss_28 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 sometimes, i think if my ex was a "bad" ex with bad experiences it would be easier not to miss him and move on... patience i guess.
motive2002 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I had grown attached. I loved her. Yes she did some things that made me angry (namely breaking up with me) but, she was special to me. I gave her a lot more leeway than I would someone I met off the street, but doesn't that go for the rest of your friends and family? She was like family, to me. It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love, even if they were mean or hurtful. It just is.
kizik Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I stuck with her b/c she was the only person in the world who made me feel cared about. In the whole f*cking world. Now, I've got less than nothing, and it's amazing I'm still alive. (NOT a suicide threat.)
Author v33 Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 For sure if you had a good relationship I can see missing them terribly and wanting another go at it. I made the mistake of missing the "idea" of my ex, and well, the "ideal" version of her. In my case I could write a paragraph about the good times and a novel about the bad. Shame on me and my low sense of self worth to have chosen a partner that wasn't good for me. I won't be doing that again. I will date and sleep with whom I please, but the next relationship I have will be with someone who is capable of meeting my needs, and I don't care if it takes years to find that someone.
kizik Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I stuck with her b/c I couldn't stand the thought of her kissing another guy. Her beauty was mine and I was so proud to call that beauty my girlfriend. Unfortunately she became monstrous towards me. She'll be f*cking some dude in the future and that thought hurts me so much. I won't be her lover, the guy in her bed. I can't stand having to give her up to the awful, disgusting male population.
LikeCharlotte Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Sometimes I wish something had gone really bad like cheating or abuse so I could rationalize it all. I know logically that I really don't want that but I've thought it. It has been hell for me to accept that "it just wasn't working out". I thought it was. All I can hope is that I meet someone with a little more backbone in the future. I never want to go through that again. I was so sure! I spent the better part of a month feeling like an idiot.
Author v33 Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 I stuck with her b/c I couldn't stand the thought of her kissing another guy. Her beauty was mine and I was so proud to call that beauty my girlfriend. Unfortunately she became monstrous towards me. She'll be f*cking some dude in the future and that thought hurts me so much. I won't be her lover, the guy in her bed. I can't stand having to give her up to the awful, disgusting male population. Ya, that stings. I had the pleasure of reading about all of their intimate details and the cheating that went on while we were still together. (Ugh, and it was DETAILED...and frankly sounded way better than any sex we had). And I know now that she has her own place that he will be there every night, just up the street from me. Fortunately I have had some time to get some emotional distance, but I have no desire to test my resolve by seeing them together anytime soon. I can't even go for a run in my own neighborhood without seeing the dudes car parked in front of her place. But surprisingly it doesn't reduce me to tears anymore. Keep up your NC man, you don't wanna know if and when she meets someone.
tealeafbud Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Sometimes I wish something had gone really bad like cheating or abuse so I could rationalize it all. I know logically that I really don't want that but I've thought it. It has been hell for me to accept that "it just wasn't working out". I thought it was. All I can hope is that I meet someone with a little more backbone in the future. I never want to go through that again. I was so sure! I spent the better part of a month feeling like an idiot. You know that a more worst case sceneario like cheating or abuse would have been more painful, but easier to justify. I think the way it ended without it "just not working out" is still painful, but a bit easier. It's definitely more confusing though, and leaves you scratching your head more. But I think that's a better trade than the alternative of cheating/abuse/etc.
Meaplus3 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Why do we cling to the memories of an ex that cheated or abused us, or just wasn't right for us? Why do we want a second chance with someone that did us wrong? I know why I did. I was scared to death of being single again. I was afraid to try to meet new women and build a new relationship with someone. It was easy with my ex to just be myself, as lame as I had become. It was safe. She finally moved on. The the safety net was gone. Oh no! I have been neglecting my needs and myself for years because I was complacent and comfortable in a relationship, and one that caused me daily pain at that. But that wasn't as frightening of the thought of starting all over, so I stayed. When she left, I couldn't let go. I should have left her ages ago, and I didn't stay with her because I loved her. I stayed because I was scared of life without her. Big difference. I love little breakthroughs like this! Why do we cling and hold on? Simple! It's familar. Something that is known and the longer it's known to us the harder it is to break the pattern and think outside the box so to speak. Patterns can be broken but they require change and effort. If the effort is there the change will happen if not then history may conitune to repeat itself. My two cents. Best wishes. AP:)
sunshinegirl Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Sometimes I wish something had gone really bad like cheating or abuse so I could rationalize it all. I know logically that I really don't want that but I've thought it. It has been hell for me to accept that "it just wasn't working out". I thought it was. All I can hope is that I meet someone with a little more backbone in the future. I never want to go through that again. I was so sure! I spent the better part of a month feeling like an idiot. I feel like only time will tell whether it 'helped' to know my ex cheated on me. The day I found out, I thought "good! now at least I can get angry!" but boy, the cycles of self-doubt seem to run just as deep as they did with a previous ex who did nothing 'wrong' except decide he didn't want to be with me. But yes, I certainly grant that it is much easier to knock cheaters/abusers off the pedastal, and that step always seems to be a crucial one for healing.
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