Soulblknblu Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 me and my boyfriend have known each other for 3-4 years, and been together for about a yr and a half. Ive cheated on my boyfriend on different levels, and also for the fact that ive been away at school. Ive never been in a long distance relationship, and I've never really held a long distance relationship. I never mean to cheat and I hate when I do, because me and him have this policy that we tell each other what happens no matter how much it hurts. I know that I love him and I know that he loves me too for the fact that he's still trying to work things out with me. Just recently I cheated on him, with a mutual friend (which is more my friend than his). He was upset, sad and everything in the middle. He says he lost his respect for me, but he can always built it back for me. He says he still loves me but I just need to stop. I did therapy for 3hrs. Deleted ppl out ma phone that were possible risks to me and him. changed my screename to avoid people. If I do spend time with another male one on one.. its in a public place to avoid anymore problems. I love this man, it's just that I don't know how to really control myself. I told him I'm not doing anything until august to gain more self control. Is there anything else that I can do to stop this behavior? I want to make myself better, and I want to stay with him. He's not the only person that I cheated on... I had 2 other relationships where i did cheat and i felt no remorse... but with him its different. and even if no one thinks that, I still want to better myself for me, and hopefully I'll get this man back.
motive2002 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I don't know what else to say other than consider what you have to lose. Is it really worth indulging in your said behavior? I'm not the type that deals with cheaters. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Consider yourself very lucky that he's still around, however when it comes to respect, I'm not sure how you have any for him. Seriously, if I cheated on someone and they still wanted me, I'd peg that person as really desperate. I mean who would want to stay with a cheater? Not that I would ever cheat. It's happened to me, so I know what it feels like. Has it ever happened to you? Has anyone ever betrayed your trust like that?
Author Soulblknblu Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 I have been cheated on years ago... he told me that he never cared for me and just wanted to use me... he later came back to me months later sayin dat he loves me... but my current boyfirend cheated on me once... but all he did was kiss another female...after that.. he never really cheated on me...
Author Soulblknblu Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 You say you love this man? Love doesn't cheat!!!! I know that I love him, and that he loves me... it's just that I made some poor decisions... I'm human.
Author Soulblknblu Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 [quote=motive2002;1682403 I'd peg that person as really desperate. I mean who would want to stay with a cheater? he's patient with me... and I dont think he's desperate, just trying to make things work, and help me. Plus we've known each other for years.
motive2002 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Perhaps the both of you should just remain single, at least for his sake! There's something to be said for monogamous relationships, if not for the risk of STD's alone. But, I think we're possibly looking at a lost cause here. I mean, once trust is shattered like that, how can you possibly maintain a healthy relationship? There will always be doubt or suspicion. It will eat away at the both of you. You may have done damage here that cannot be undone. Worst case scenario is that you'll be broken up, but maybe you'll learn something from it.
JustPassingThru Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Sounds like you need to figure out what Love really means... I find it humorous that you say "you love him" yet you've cheated on him multiple times. If in some way you do love him. Then you need to seperate yourself from the relationship. You're doing no good. You need to take some time and figure out your issues. Honestly, I wouldn't care if I'd known you my whole life. If we were in a relationship, and you cheated. BYE BYE. The fact that he stays blows my mind. I hope you figure things out. Seriously.
Author Soulblknblu Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 I cheated once with a co worker, and i quit that job.. I cheated once with a female..when I was drunk... but he didnt mind so much about that time.. And this is my recent cheat... honestly its like my 2nd cheat...
kizik Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 *Laugh* Who are all these people who even get the opportunity to cheat? I'm f*cking jealous. I mean, I'm good-looking and funny, etc., and I haven't been on a date in years, and spend my time on the computer complaining...
Author Soulblknblu Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 *Laugh* Who are all these people who even get the opportunity to cheat? I'm f*cking jealous. I mean, I'm good-looking and funny, etc., and I haven't been on a date in years, and spend my time on the computer complaining... Wow, I've neva spoke to anyone from Oregon b4... what's that like?... and instead of complaining you should go out and talk to people..get to know people... itz realli not all dat great cheating... look at me.. I'm in da hot chair...
kizik Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Yeah, trust me, I do get out and get to know people. But I've been overextending myself. I feel like the scales are unbalanced. It's time for people to call ME. Sorry you're in the hot chair, I'm sure it feels sh*tty. All I'm saying is: girls can get laid any hour of the day. Think about how lonely it is to be a guy, where you're a dime a dozen.
v33 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 *Laugh* Who are all these people who even get the opportunity to cheat? They're called females! I wish it was that easy for us guys to get some action whenever we felt like it. I'm in the same boat as you man, healthy, interesting, easy on the eyes... but I think I have "getting over the ex" written all over me.
kizik Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I don't care what anyone says: Attractive women rule the world. And yes, I'm sure my broken-hearted status is tattooed on my forehead as well. Doesn't matter though, there are no cute chicks in my city, work or school. When I transfer and move to the big city this fall, though... oh sh*t.
0hpenelope Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Soulblknblu - You did yourself a huge favor by recognizing that your cheating is a problem. I'm not being mean. I'm saying that you're taking an honest look at yourself and saying "I'm being a serial cheater, it's a problem because I'm hurting someone I love while my actions are not showing love, now what can I do about it?" Thing is... if this is really a problem that you need professional support with, no one on LS has any qualifications whatsoever to give you advice. Unless, of course, there are actual psychologists / counselors / mental health professionals on this board, but then it won't really be good for them to do consultations here because of HIPPA and I don't think the board moderators would allow that either. So: You recognized you have problem.Can you talk to any counselors at school? Consistently?Can your love interest come along with you? Therapy for 3 hours does not make a behavior go away. It's been said that it takes 21 days (almost a month!) to break a habit. I don't know if your situation is a habit or a behavior; I'm not a professional. But it begs to be considered that you've been playing the field way before your current love interest. Just because the standard is 21 days doesn't mean your cheating will go away in 21 days with professional help. It may take you longer; recovery is not a "one size fits all" thing and you know this from other experiences. Some people will think that those in the mental health field are a bunch of quacks. I can't argue with personal opinion. I like to look at them as accountability partners instead. By the way, I think cheating is wrong, wrong, wrong. Cheaters make me angry. But if the cheating is something that is in your mind or behavior that you need to change? Then you should really seek help - for the sake of saving your relationship with the current love interest or for the sake of any future relationships. Just a different perspective, with compassion. Good luck to you.
0hpenelope Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Soulblknblu - You did yourself a huge favor by recognizing that your cheating is a problem. I'm not being mean. I'm saying that you're taking an honest look at yourself and saying "I'm being a serial cheater, it's a problem because I'm hurting someone I love while my actions are not showing love, now what can I do about it?" Thing is... if this is really a problem that you need professional support with, no one on LS has any qualifications whatsoever to give you advice. Unless, of course, there are actual psychologists / counselors / mental health professionals on this board, but then it won't really be good for them to do consultations here because of HIPPA and I don't think the board moderators would allow that either. So: You recognized you have problem.Can you talk to any counselors at school? Consistently?Can your love interest come along with you? Therapy for 3 hours does not make a behavior go away. It's been said that it takes 21 days (almost a month!) to break a habit. I don't know if your situation is a habit or a behavior; I'm not a professional. But it begs to be considered that you've been playing the field way before your current love interest. Just because the standard is 21 days doesn't mean your cheating will go away in 21 days with professional help. It may take you longer; recovery is not a "one size fits all" thing and you know this from other experiences. Some people will think that those in the mental health field are a bunch of quacks. I can't argue with personal opinion. I like to look at them as accountability partners instead. By the way, I think cheating is wrong, wrong, wrong. Cheaters make me angry. If my love interest cheated on me, I would kick him to the curb without a second thought and I don't care if he comes back a "changed" man. But that's me - not your love interest or other people. Your guy has given you second chances, so he's of a diff. kind from me: he's either very forgiving with sincere love for you or he's a doormat. If the cheating is something that is in your mind or behavior that you need to change? Then you should really seek help - for the sake of saving your relationship with the current love interest or for the sake of any future relationships. Just a different perspective, with compassion. Good luck to you.
0hpenelope Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Editing! Soulblknblu - Therapy for 3 hours does not make a behavior your cheating go away. It's been said that it takes 21 days (almost a month!) to break a habit. I don't know if your situation is a habit or a behavior; I'm not a professional. But it begs to be considered that you've been playing the field way before your current love interest. Just because the standard is 21 days doesn't mean your cheating will go away in 21 days with professional help. It may take you longer; recovery is not a "one size fits all" thing and you know this from other experiences. Contradicted myself in the same paragraph! Oops.
Author Soulblknblu Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 Thank you... and I am looking about seeking professional help. There is a group within the city that does a 12 step program based upon AA... just a little different, so I heard. I'm going to go and check it out. Also, unfortunately for me, school is out so I can't really talk to a counselor now... but I'm trying everything I possibly can. I even sit around hours on end surfing the web on articles and tips that may help. i really want to make this work...
Exl Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 They're called females! I wish it was that easy for us guys to get some action whenever we felt like it. I'm in the same boat as you man, healthy, interesting, easy on the eyes... but I think I have "getting over the ex" written all over me. Yes, me too. I'm joining the club too!
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