mattym Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 As I go through commited NC and the rebuilding process, I look around and I'm envious of the single set. In my mind the life of a single person is casual, breezy, fun, exploratory with some variety if needed... An adventure per se. The OW has filed for divorce from her H and in my mind she's now experiencing what I envy. I think these feelings are affecting the rebuilding process. I've addressed my feelings with W during one of our honesty talks and I will address this in mc. I didn't have these feelings during the affair because in essence the affair was casual, breezy, fun, exploratory with no real commitment therefore room for variety. Has anyone else who's rebuilding gone through this kind of thinking? I just don't know how I can reconnect with this mindset. Hi ML I hear what you're saying, and to some extent I felt the same way when my A ended. The other side of life can be very alluring It may help to ask yourself why you got married in the first place. I don't mean that sarcastically, but when you've been married a while and life is routine, it can be easy to forget why we made that commitment. For me, I was with someone who for the first time in my life didn't sledgehammer me into doing what she wanted, was there for me at 3am if I needed her to be, & someone who I never had to question whether I trusted & loved her or not..I just KNEW. I guess for all of us it's different things During my A, the OW seemed so exciting..she was single, could come & go as she pleased. Go out, get drunk, wake up when you want - take a holiday, laze on a beach for 2 weeks..no one to worry about but No.1 But I've had that life, and I assume, you had it too, prior to marriage- and it's not the unending bliss an OW may paint it out to be - the loneliness when the party is not on, no one to share your day with, or your life with ( good & bad), the times when you feel unwell and the dog is the only company....and for me, I think there comes a time when partying all night and constantly eyeing the other sex becomes a little tragic In my situation, OW & her friends were always envious of the marrieds...desperate to meet 'the one' Have you seen the Chris Rock movie ' I Think I love My Wife'? It has some good points in it re. fantasy vs reality As someone once told me here..the grass always seems greener...till you have to climb over the fence and start mowing it! take care Matt
grogster Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 As someone who has been there, remember this: Affairs inflict the greatest harm on marriages when they end. Affairs often keep bad marriages limping along while the MM's/MW's attentions are elsewhere. If you're having hot affair sex with you lover at some luxury hotel while drinking expensive champagne, you really don't care about the humdrum, routine Saturday night marital obligations. When the affair ends, however, it's just you and your long neglected betrayed wife. The affair shredded the affectional relationship between you and your spouse. As long as the affair was pumping along, you could fake it with your spouse.With the affair over you have to do two things: reconnect with the wife you betrayed and deceived and overcome your regret, grief and loss over the ended affair. That's a tall order. I ended my affair, and then I ended my marriage. I enjoy being single. I like coming home. I have a girl friend, I'm close to my kids and I have a very good relationship with my ex-wife. Plus, I no longer feel miserable, guilty and fake.I'm no one's husband, now, and that I like.
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