MarriedLife Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 As I go through commited NC and the rebuilding process, I look around and I'm envious of the single set. In my mind the life of a single person is casual, breezy, fun, exploratory with some variety if needed... An adventure per se. The OW has filed for divorce from her H and in my mind she's now experiencing what I envy. I think these feelings are affecting the rebuilding process. I've addressed my feelings with W during one of our honesty talks and I will address this in mc. I didn't have these feelings during the affair because in essence the affair was casual, breezy, fun, exploratory with no real commitment therefore room for variety. Has anyone else who's rebuilding gone through this kind of thinking? I just don't know how I can reconnect with this mindset.
LadyDi Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Oh wow, I'm sorry your so torn up. I don't think I've read anyone going thru this before, although I'm sure its happened alot (I'm new here) It could happen to me too, so I'll be looking for your responses. Hope you feel better soon!
NatoPMT Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 As I go through commited NC and the rebuilding process, I look around and I'm envious of the single set. In my mind the life of a single person is casual, breezy, fun, exploratory with some variety if needed... An adventure per se. The OW has filed for divorce from her H and in my mind she's now experiencing what I envy. I think these feelings are affecting the rebuilding process. I've addressed my feelings with W during one of our honesty talks and I will address this in mc. I didn't have these feelings during the affair because in essence the affair was casual, breezy, fun, exploratory with no real commitment therefore room for variety. Has anyone else who's rebuilding gone through this kind of thinking? I just don't know how I can reconnect with this mindset. what are your reasons for staying in the marriage? sounds like you might be still dealing with your marriage issues by avoiding and distracting, which is partly what are affair is - you need to look inwards for the solutions (whether thats sorting things or knowing its right to leave) rather than outwards towards affairs or missing being single
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 If you want to be single and do someone else, why are you torturing your wife in being wishy washy about it? The affair is over, get over it!
whichwayisup Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 The thing you need to ask yourself is, how long would that feeling last? Is your marriage worth giving up for freedom and fun? Just keep in mind that eventually that gets boring and lonely. UNLESS this is a smoke screen and you're secretly hoping that if you were free the OW would come running into your arms and be with you out in the open? I wouldn't put alot of thought into this, the more you allow yourself to think and wonder, the more you may want to NOT try to fix your marriage and try to gain your wife's trust.
child_of_isis Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 The grass is always greener. As I go through commited NC and the rebuilding process, I look around and I'm envious of the single set. In my mind the life of a single person is casual, breezy, fun, exploratory with some variety if needed... An adventure per se. The OW has filed for divorce from her H and in my mind she's now experiencing what I envy. I think these feelings are affecting the rebuilding process. I've addressed my feelings with W during one of our honesty talks and I will address this in mc. I didn't have these feelings during the affair because in essence the affair was casual, breezy, fun, exploratory with no real commitment therefore room for variety. Has anyone else who's rebuilding gone through this kind of thinking? I just don't know how I can reconnect with this mindset.
angie2443 Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 If you want to be single and do someone else, why are you torturing your wife in being wishy washy about it? The affair is over, get over it! I'm going to agree with Chrome Barracuda here. If your going to stay with your wife, then quit wondering rather the single life would be better. If you keep fantisizing about bieng single again, then do your wife a favor, and leave.
torranceshipman Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Jeez, grow up. If you want to be single, D your wife, and if you want to stay married, quit b*tchin and moanin and commit to rebuilding your M. Everyone has a choice in life so freakin man up, make a choice and live with it. I feel SO sorry for your W if she has to hear about how you are missing the 'carefree single life'. Sounds like you are saying 'I miss the affair'-which is so disrespectful - don't put your W through yet more misery. Maybe you need to seperate so you can see what you're missing-and then you're W might also have her eyes opened to what she's missing too, in the form of nice guys who actually respect her and would think she was an awesome catch, and who would never treat her the crappy way that you do.
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 The OW has filed for divorce from her H and in my mind she's now experiencing what I envy. I just re-read this. HOW do you know what she is experiencing? IN your own mind, you've made up some little fantasy of HER living the happy single life now that she's free and divorced. I bet she is NOT as happy as she appears to be. Anyway, you shouldn't know wtf she's up to seeing as you're supposed to be in NC mode with her.
angie2443 Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Jeez, grow up. If you want to be single, D your wife, and if you want to stay married, quit b*tchin and moanin and commit to rebuilding your M. Everyone has a choice in life so freakin man up, make a choice and live with it. I feel SO sorry for your W if she has to hear about how you are missing the 'carefree single life'. Sounds like you are saying 'I miss the affair'-which is so disrespectful - don't put your W through yet more misery. Maybe you need to seperate so you can see what you're missing-and then you're W might also have her eyes opened to what she's missing too, in the form of nice guys who actually respect her and would think she was an awesome catch, and who would never treat her the crappy way that you do. Again, I agree here. You just seem to want it all. The problem is, your lack of decision making is also toying with someone's life, your wife's. If you are going to keep complaining about not having a carefree life, without the wife and your other responsibilities at home, then set your family free and just leave. You're stealing years from your wife that she'll never get back.
rubies_for_horses Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 i would like to point out that the single life may be "breezy and fun" - but at the end of a long, hard day - it's sad to have no one at home waiting to have a glass of wine with you, lend a sympathetic ear, and to love you just for being you. ask any of my single friends - they envy that i have someone at home with whom to have dinner, with whom to talk...
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I just don't know how I can reconnect with this mindset. If you decide your marriage, your wife is more important and you want to be with her, you'll not allow yourself to think and fantasize, wish that you were free and single. Make a choice and stick to it. If you really are having a hard time with this, then get to your marriage counsellor and talk this out. Let your wife know how you're feeling inside too, hiding this from her may make it worse.
herenow Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I bet if you tell your wife you envy single people, she will help you get to your place of envy. She may even agree and feel the same way.
twice_shy Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I just don't know how I can reconnect with this mindset. You won't. File for divorce.
Author MarriedLife Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 why are you torturing your wife in being wishy washy about it? The affair is over, get over it! So be truthful and risk "torturing" the W. Or keep my thoughts to myself? This is the problem with marriages today. We are afraid to tell our spouses EXACTLY how we are feeling which leads to affairs in the first place. Our truthful talks are working. Hurtful yes but then when she knows where I’m coming from and I know where she’s coming from we get to the root and we build from there. How does one just “get over it”? So sweep it all under the rug? Sure just “get over it” What kind of advice is that? THINK before you spit! ask yourself is, how long would that feeling last? Is your marriage worth giving up for freedom and fun?, the more you allow yourself to think and wonder, the more you may want to NOT try to fix your marriage and try to gain your wife's trust. Good advice. The whole point of rebuilding is to get to the root of the issue and to allow time for these feelings that may have lead to the affair to pass. you shouldn't know wtf she's up to seeing as you're supposed to be in NC mode with her. I don’t know wtf she’s up to. We have NC. And as time passes I don’t care what she’s up to. Jeez, grow up. quit b*tchin and moanin Everyone has a choice in life so freakin man up, make a choice and live with it. I feel SO sorry for your W. Maybe you need to separate so you can see what you're missing-and then you're W might also have her eyes opened to what she's missing too I’m doing what I can do. I’ve been open and honest with my W. I know I’m not a bad person. Our talks are open and CONSTRUCTIVE. I’m doing the ADULT thing by owning up to my mistakes. We are going to mc. I still remain supportive and loving and caring. Separation just might be the answer. W and I married young. We became best friends and complacent. Why don’t YOU “man up” and stop throwing stones. Idiot. Instead of discussing this topic objectively you spit bad advice. There is no “bitchin” here. I NEVER said to wife “sigh…. I wish I was single again etc etc ect…” I know this is a heated topic but save your dribble and spit somewhere else! And to those who comment with "just divorce", "give up". How many marriages ended prematurely because of this thinking? And then people remarry without resolving the issues that screwed up their previous marriage.
torranceshipman Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Woah, take it you didn't like my advice then I'd say man up and quit b*tchin and being so sensitive, but you didn't like that comment last time round, so i wont repeat it again
Mustang Sally Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 How does one just “get over it”? So sweep it all under the rug? Sure just “get over it” What kind of advice is that? THINK before you spit! ML - While I think there is a certain element of truth to what others' have said (the "just get over yourself, already" set), I happen to think that if you have invested a fair amount of emotional energy into your OW (whether known, or unbeknownst to OW, W, or others) that it will likely just take time. Time and distance, man. Hang in there.
nadiaj2727 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Wow marriedlife who are you to ask for advice/ opinions and then be mean and call mean names to people who give you that. I agree you need to grow up just based on your responses. Telling someone not to be an arrogant fool, based on reading your posts, sounds to me like the pot calling the kettle black. Go ahead and call me one too LOL, but based not only on your mean responses but also the content of your posts, I totally agree that you need to grow up. You are blaming your marriage and circumstances instead of taking personal responsibility for your actions, and instead of deciding what you want and acting on it. If I were you I'd work hard on that marriage and trying to become a better person... your responses show you are just plain not nice right now. Or if you want to be single so bad, then do it-- in my opinion divorce is definitely the answer for someone who has had an affair AND THEN wishes they were single to date whoever. Your wife deserves better. I hope you can find some single ladies willing to put up with your nasty responses and cruel name-calling whenever they say something about your character you disagree with... (and I have a feeling that your problem with torrenceshipman's post was that it pointed out to you your flaws and true character... or else why get so mean in response LOL)
Author MarriedLife Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 Wow marriedlife who are you to ask for advice/ opinions and then be mean and call mean names to people who give you that. I'm simply throwing back what was thrown at me. If people are going to add to this forum at least have constructive criticism and not point fingers.
Author MarriedLife Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 I and others here are using this forum to confront the deeper questions about human nature as it relates to having affairs. If we avoid the judging and stone throwing maybe we can all learn a little about ourselves and each other.
frannie Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 As I go through commited NC and the rebuilding process, I look around and I'm envious of the single set. In my mind the life of a single person is casual, breezy, fun, exploratory with some variety if needed... An adventure per se. The OW has filed for divorce from her H and in my mind she's now experiencing what I envy. I think these feelings are affecting the rebuilding process. I've addressed my feelings with W during one of our honesty talks and I will address this in mc. I think one approach to this might be to ask yourself why you view the single life this rosy and unrealistic way? Nothing is ever 100% great, everything is a compromise, everything involves sacrificing or not having something. If you were single I bet there would be a thousand things about being married that you'd miss. Secondly, ask yourself how you can add some of that 'casual, breezy, fun, exploratory' stuff that you are craving to the marriage you're in. Thirdly, there are some things many people don't want to hear... and you pushed a few buttons. Openness about how you're still not happy, even though you've committed to staying married..? I think you're right to open up and deal with it, and if I were your W, I'd rather hear how you *really* feel, than deal with a sanitised version. I think you're right, that's how affairs happen in the first place.
Author MarriedLife Posted June 6, 2008 Author Posted June 6, 2008 I think one approach to this might be to ask yourself why you view the single life this rosy and unrealistic way? everything involves sacrificing... Secondly, ask yourself how you can add some of that 'casual, breezy, fun, exploratory' stuff that you are craving to the marriage you're in. Thirdly, there are some things many people don't want to hear... and you pushed a few buttons. Thanks Frannie. All I'm looking for is insight from others who perhaps have gone through what my W and I are going through or advice so I can see a different POV. You confirmed what I think I already knew: "Grass is always greener...", and fill the gaps for what I'm missing from within my own marriage. Thanks for not being biased. And I should have been more reserved in my heated response to others here. This forum is not meant for me to puff out my chest and be a right fighter. I'm the one who put myself out there and posted a behavior that for many is clearly crossing some moral boundries. I shouldn't be surprised if I get a verbal lashing or three.
Author MarriedLife Posted June 6, 2008 Author Posted June 6, 2008 Woah, take it you didn't like my advice then I'd say man up and quit b*tchin and being so sensitive, but you didn't like that comment last time round, so i wont repeat it again Hey Torranceshipman I shouldn't have responded to you the way I did. As I responded to Frannie previously... I should have been more reserved in my heated response to others here. This forum is not meant for me to puff out my chest and be a right fighter. I'm the one who put myself out there and posted a behavior that for many is clearly crossing some moral boundries. I shouldn't be surprised if I get a verbal lashing or three. That being said, thanks for taking the time to give your advice. There is some truth to what you stated. take care
twice_shy Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 And to those who comment with "just divorce", "give up". How many marriages ended prematurely because of this thinking? And then people remarry without resolving the issues that screwed up their previous marriage. Well leaving a marriage without resolving what is wrong in you is YOUR problem, not your wife's. I never advise anyone staying with a cheater. What? You think that if you resolve what you did wrong that everything is gonna be hunky dory and your wife will be just fine? Think again. Things may seem fine with her, but I guarantee, she will relive in her mind what you did to her over and over. It may not be every day, it may be few and far between, but you have exiled her to a life of reliving what you did from time to time. Thats why I say divorce. Why would anyone settle for living with a cheater? Mind you, I'm not bashing those that do. My sympathies lie with them, believe me. And as far as you saying, "And then people remarry without resolving the issues that screwed up their previous marriage"....well your wife is not a petri dish for an experiment so you can resolve YOUR issues before moving on. Or are you blaming her for what you did and saying that she needs to resolve what is wrong with her before she moves on to someone else?
twice_shy Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 I and others here are using this forum to confront the deeper questions about human nature as it relates to having affairs. If we avoid the judging and stone throwing maybe we can all learn a little about ourselves and each other. There are 2 sides to dealing with an affair. 1) work it out with the cheater, or 2) leave the cheater so one can move on. You see #2 as throwing stones because you don't like that outcome. But it is an outcome you need to consider, especially if one is in your wife's shoes. I know you don't like that route, but that is what some here feel is best for your wife.
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