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Posted

Here's what I mean: although breaking up is an awful and painful process, this is exactly what is supposed to happen in life. I just talked with an old co-worker, this chick named Maria, and she told me: Asi es la vida. That's life.

 

We all feel so slighted, so hurt, so disrespected. But this is our journey and what HAS to happen for us to grow.

 

It's all so perfectly normal. Don't feel weird, or alone. This is how we learn what to do and what not to do for next time.;)

Posted

Well written. It takes a certain state of mind for a person to be able to realize things that are bigger than them in that moment in their life. I think pain brings people down from their pedestal, creates doubt in people's selves, and thus creates opportunity for growth and realization as opposed to the "I am happy because everything I think is right and everyone else is wrong," attitude that we all seem to have carried before (and right up to the point of) the breakup.

Posted

Thank you for this simple post. As painful as some experiences are, we can only learn from them. It's really true that what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

Posted

Exactly, you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks to everyone who responded. At a certain point - and I think this is where I may be right now - you stop looking at the break-up as a huge tragedy, worst thing that ever happened to you, etc., and start to see it as just another hill to climb. EVERYone I've talked to about my break-up is like, "Yep. Been there." This is by no means my first break-up, but it's the most recent one (duh).

 

What I mean is, it's easy to forget how loneliness feels when you're tied so closely to the hip to someone while in a relationship. When you're in it, you have the security that almost verges on superiority. YOU don't have to worry about finding a girlfriend. And because of that security, you'll do anything to keep the relationship going.

 

But you ignore the fact that the R is not good for you. It's killing your self-esteem (depending on your S.O.) and is keeping you from being who you truly are.

 

When you break up, you are re-entering the "real world." Everyone knows you are alone in the end; relationships take that feeling away. The scariest thing in the world is to have to be alone, again, after having that security wrapped around you like a blanket on a cold night.

 

So here we are. I'm someone new that I don't know yet. But that's kind of exciting, albeit terrifying. Where will I end up?

Posted

 

What I mean is, it's easy to forget how loneliness feels when you're tied so closely to the hip to someone while in a relationship. When you're in it, you have the security that almost verges on superiority. YOU don't have to worry about finding a girlfriend. And because of that security, you'll do anything to keep the relationship going.

 

But you ignore the fact that the R is not good for you. It's killing your self-esteem (depending on your S.O.) and is keeping you from being who you truly are.

 

When you break up, you are re-entering the "real world." Everyone knows you are alone in the end; relationships take that feeling away. The scariest thing in the world is to have to be alone, again, after having that security wrapped around you like a blanket on a cold night.

 

Yup, this is a huge and important thing to realize. It's exactly where I am at now. I KNEW I had to leave this woman, but I stayed because it seemed better than the alternative of having another failed long term relationship, moving and starting over in the love department.

 

I alway knew my ex was weak, but stronger than me in some ways as she finally had to be the one to end it. And we leaned on each other strong for years to validate each other.... we were both so scared to let go. I gotta give her credit for making the move. I wish I had left her, it's always better to be the one leaving..... well I think so anyways...

Posted
Thanks to everyone who responded. At a certain point - and I think this is where I may be right now - you stop looking at the break-up as a huge tragedy, worst thing that ever happened to you, etc., and start to see it as just another hill to climb. EVERYone I've talked to about my break-up is like, "Yep. Been there." This is by no means my first break-up, but it's the most recent one (duh).

 

What I mean is, it's easy to forget how loneliness feels when you're tied so closely to the hip to someone while in a relationship. When you're in it, you have the security that almost verges on superiority. YOU don't have to worry about finding a girlfriend. And because of that security, you'll do anything to keep the relationship going.

 

But you ignore the fact that the R is not good for you. It's killing your self-esteem (depending on your S.O.) and is keeping you from being who you truly are.

 

When you break up, you are re-entering the "real world." Everyone knows you are alone in the end; relationships take that feeling away. The scariest thing in the world is to have to be alone, again, after having that security wrapped around you like a blanket on a cold night.

 

So here we are. I'm someone new that I don't know yet. But that's kind of exciting, albeit terrifying. Where will I end up?

 

In some sense the relationship wasn't necessarily bad for you either. It taught you a lot about who you are, what you need, and the areas that you need to work on. These are all positives that sadly can only be learned in broken relationships. Look at the positive side and the next one will better with lessons learned kiz. Good to see you're doing better.

 

-Just

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Posted

Thanks Just, you make some good points. Yes, it is sad that the only way we can truly learn is through adversity and yes, pain.

 

I'm not doing all that great today. What is everyone's opinion about online dating? I just want some companionship.

Posted

What I mean is, it's easy to forget how loneliness feels when you're tied so closely to the hip to someone while in a relationship. When you're in it, you have the security that almost verges on superiority. YOU don't have to worry about finding a girlfriend. And because of that security, you'll do anything to keep the relationship going.

 

But you ignore the fact that the R is not good for you. It's killing your self-esteem (depending on your S.O.) and is keeping you from being who you truly are.

 

When you break up, you are re-entering the "real world." Everyone knows you are alone in the end; relationships take that feeling away. The scariest thing in the world is to have to be alone, again, after having that security wrapped around you like a blanket on a cold night.

 

That's all so very true, cloneman, wonderful insight.

 

I'd also add, along to the "asi es la vida", the wonderful expression "Que sera, sera" that you will easily recognize as "Whatever will be, will be." And so it is.

 

I have just broken NC - again - but I feel relieved I said what I said. Guess I'm a chronic NC breaker, it's not the thing for me. No second intentions there though, nor clinging or begging or manipulative intents. Just some small stuff (really small) I needed to say in order to sleep fine, because I realized that my conscience wasn't fully clear after all, as I thought (and told her) before. There was a small inconsequent thing left that needed to be addressed. Now my conscience is TRULY clean. She'll do whatever she wants with my e-mail. It's just perfect, I felt I said exactly what I had to say and felt even better when I re-read it to make sure it came out fine.

 

The very best thing I've had is exactly this. My conscience is completely clean and while inconsequent for us, it is important for me. And above all, at least on some aspects we have to feel good with ourselves as it is with ourselves we need to live everyday.

I wish she could feel the same way - even if only for herself - but she decided to keep everything (whatever it is) locked inside her little mind throughout most of our relationship. She never let anything out, just accumulated. Probably was part of the cause of what ended up to become our breakup. I'm betting it isn't easy. I couldn't live with it.

 

Cheers

Posted
Thanks Just, you make some good points. Yes, it is sad that the only way we can truly learn is through adversity and yes, pain.

 

I'm not doing all that great today. What is everyone's opinion about online dating? I just want some companionship.

 

Online dating is as effective as any other means. Of course since you do not see the other person you'll have to keep your guard until needed and learn how to sort out the crap from the start.

 

I've met many wonderful (and some not-so-wonderful) girls over the web throughout the years (had internet access really early - '95) including my current ex (which I met over the web 1 month before she moved to my city, so a common friend suggested her to contact me) which, even though what happened, is a great (but unfortunately lost and confused at the moment) person. Also keep many good memories of other girls I've met/dated online in the past. Some are still very close until today and have become precious friends which I know I can rely on.

 

So, why not? If you feel ready for it, good luck! Just keep an eye open as it's not as safe as it used to be.

Posted

Great speech! Life is life, we have to move on anyway, so why not move on the happy way?

 

Though saying is certainly easier than doing, but most people just cry over it, and do nothing, or they did wrongly.. which is bad.

 

Be it a break up or divorce, or even just a small arguement, you will need to formulate plans to dilute the situations into leading to larger consequences, this is always the best way..

 

I'm not trying to be rational here but if you're dealing with human emotions here, you can't let emotions take over your thought, be calm, and find the source of mistakes, which is personally, i think can save tons of relationship with this mentality alone.

 

Joe

Posted
I'm not trying to be rational here but if you're dealing with human emotions here, you can't let emotions take over your thought, be calm, and find the source of mistakes, which is personally, i think can save tons of relationship with this mentality alone.

 

Yet, it still takes two to tango.

 

However, a relationship between two honest and assertive people can take a lot of blows that a childish/manipulative/etc R would die immediatly of at first blow (or go insane).

 

Depending on the people, if there's at least one very assertive and honest person that can bring out the best in the other half, it can help a lot too.

Posted
What is everyone's opinion about online dating? I just want some companionship.

 

Go for it. It takes a lot of work and effort though. You can meet some really nice people but also some nuts. It can be frustrating and rewarding at the same time. I'm currently doing it and so far my experience has been pretty positive. I have met some nice, smart beautiful women. I am taking it slow however because I am just not ready to invest myself fully yet.

 

-Just

Posted

Yeah I agree that heartbreak probably has to happen for us to completely grow. I guess I'm worried I'll be the same old jerk in my next relationship.

 

Or that maybe I blew my best chance at happiness. I don't know.

 

Now I just feel like I might want to be single the rest of my life, a lot of these Love Shack stories really lack happy endings and describe a lot of trauma I don't want to head into.

Posted
Yeah I agree that heartbreak probably has to happen for us to completely grow. I guess I'm worried I'll be the same old jerk in my next relationship.

 

Then don't be the same old jerk. Recognize the things you did in the past relationship that will make the next one more successful. Don't get down on yourself. Use this as an opportunity to better yourself.

 

 

Now I just feel like I might want to be single the rest of my life, a lot of these Love Shack stories really lack happy endings and describe a lot of trauma I don't want to head into.

 

This forum is about break ups so of course sadness and hurt will be the norm. That's what it's here for so granted all you're going to hear about is the rough stuff most the time. This site is great to learn about other experiences, mistakes, how people have treated one another, all spectrums of people and situations. Just try to learn from your own and others here so that when the next person comes around you'll know how to deal with those tough situations better.

Posted
However, a relationship between two honest and assertive people can take a lot of blows that a childish/manipulative/etc R would die immediatly of at first blow (or go insane).

 

Depending on the people, if there's at least one very assertive and honest person that can bring out the best in the other half, it can help a lot too.

I'm glad that you also have this perspective. It takes lots of work on yourself to be an honest and assertive person but I believe it is the most important work you can do and it is a wonderful contribution to any relationship. If you have an intimate relationship with two of this type you have a much better chance of bearing the storm together. I admire this type of strength very much. You are a smart one Just.

Posted
Depending on the people, if there's at least one very assertive and honest person that can bring out the best in the other half, it can help a lot too.

 

I disagree with this perspective in that I think BOTH partners have to be assertive and honest. My ex was terribly uncommunicative and it was neither fair nor healthy for me to have to carry the weight and burden of communicating about the important stuff. Maybe the difference is that my ability to communicate didn't bring out a similar ability in him.

Posted

Thanks for your input about my opinion, LikeCharlotte.

 

As SunshineGirl mentioned, I also had a very incommunicative partner. So I needed little insight to figure out what the ideal between us should be. Even myself, and I tend to close down a little, turned out to become the assertive one in the relationship and, if anything else, is good because I always expressed my mind and am therefore with my conscience clean.

 

SunshineGirl: I understand your disagreement, as I've been through the same myself. However I meant it as an ideal basis for a relationship. Not everyone is honest nor assertive, even if their intentions are good, unfortunately. The point was that two assertive and honest people would, as LikeCharlotte rightly pointed out, "bear the storm together" in a much mature, constructive and effective way.

 

On the other hand one's assertiveness (such as the one I eventually ended up developing) could as well be seen by the other person as some kind of pressure and suffocation, which I think ended up being our real problem. Being unable to speak out, especially under emotional and or arguing situations, might have had a suffocating effect for her as she probably felt like she couldn't keep up to me and my subliminal need for assertiveness too, which is simply there. When you ask a question, you do expect an answer. That may be suffocating enough for someone who is unable and/or has difficulties to communicate.

 

A few days after our breakup she had some time to think things over and, in a way, she regained some ability to communicate when we met the next (and last) time. That was only when I got the very few answers I ever had in about a year worth of unhappiness, distance and closeness on her part. Unfortunately, we decided it was for the best that she'd use some space for picking herself back up (she was noticeably sad for many months) and haven't seen each other since. Apparently it must be something I can not help her with, which deeply troubles me since, as the saying goes "if one is not part of the solution, it is part of the problem".

 

While I deep down hope this is being beneficial for her and a possible future "us", and that her expressed intentions are good and honest (taking the time to get over some of her issues and invest it into her obligations - university and so on), the stigma of the "time/space" consequences haunts me and makes me think that when this time (2 months) is over, especially since she decided to avoid me for the moment and leave my few contact attempts unanswered, things may not go well. I just can't help clinging to this little hope, albeit I've been having mixed feelings and my mindset changes all the time. We still live 5 minutes apart and it makes it harder not to be able to see her or talking to her (assertiveness has its toll too).

 

If things do not go well, she may have just pulled the "ultimate" way of "uncommunication" and bailed herself out in a smart but sadistic way, just like an easy way out, leaving me secretly hoping for the answers and the willpower to work things out which never came. I kind of think of it as an excuse not to face the truth or, at the very least, the problems that needed to be solved - my year-worth of doubts accumulated due to her uncommunication, for instance, which is the only think I need to be worked out WITH her. Or it'll just haunt me for forever and a day. I ain't perfect, obviously, but one of the things that troubles me the most is not being able to deal with doubts, indecision or lack of closure on an issue. I would be what some would call "a thinker", which also makes be being unable to deal with NC very well, some people are just like that.

 

Her "solution" is completely opposite from mine. And while she's having hers, I'll be waiting for mine. Kind of unfair, I'd reckon, and I've told her that. I've read one interesting expression in this forum some time ago which went like "it's like trying to prevent an ice-cream from melting by putting it in the oven". Pretty much explains how I feel. If distance and difficulties to communicate are a problem, in a way it is not by using a solution that takes it to extremes that will solve it, on the other hand. It may just create an irreparable void. Yet, it's the only option at the moment even though deep down I feel like the "ice-cream on the oven".

 

Even bailing out of a relationship in assertive terms can make it a better experience, or at least it can give some true sense of closure and "life lesson learned from the experience" feeling that I lack at the moment. It just makes it much harder. To explain but not to be explained to, be it in the beginning or the end of the relationship.

 

These kinds of stuff makes us doubt of the worth of the years we spend together with someone, when it turns out to be a failed relationship. No matter what I feel or will feel in the future, she is still important for me.

 

Just so say that while assertiveness and honesty is important, life never makes it easy for us. People are complicated and every single one is different.

 

Yet, even if we don't feel like it or if we're still waiting for something. Life WILL go on, eventually.

Posted
Then don't be the same old jerk.

 

Yeah, I know, I'm trying with therapy and books and changing my behavior, but there's not another significant other to test anything out on much. Like I know in my head how I should behave but that's what I said to myself the other time.

 

Just a fear of "relapse" really.

Posted
Yeah, I know, I'm trying with therapy and books and changing my behavior, but there's not another significant other to test anything out on much. Like I know in my head how I should behave but that's what I said to myself the other time.

 

Just a fear of "relapse" really.

 

How were you a jerk before? Gimme some details and maybe I can help. I wasn't the best guy in the world either but I have changed a lot.

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