Dutchess Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 I have been married for 4 years this September. I have a 14 month old. I really wanted a child but our son has had many non-emergency medical issues such as severe acid reflux causing him to cry up to 14 hours a day, several allergies, colic, and on top of that is a very high needs super sensitive child. My son has put a tremendous amount of pressure on my relationship with my husband. My husband expected to never have to change a diaper, get up in the morning with him, etc. My son becomes so stressful to me that I cry somedays because nothing I do can make him happy despite all my efforts. I do feel sad and depressed. I try to be a good wife and mother, but I feel like I am failing at both. My husband and I have been fighting for 8 months now, he feels he shouldn't have to help take care of our son. He gets up 1 morning a week with him so I can sleep in till 7:30am. Every morning he does this we get into a fight, but I desperately need sleep and a break from my son. We have no family or friends in the state and have no one we can leave our son with for an extended amount of time due to his separation anxiety (he gets so upset he throws up, and cannot calm down without me). I want to take my son with me to my parents in FL so that I can get help without feeling like I am being a bad mother or wife for asking for it. I do stay at home, and my husband is a good provider. I know it is my responsibility to take care of our son, but I feel like I am drowning. I know this may sound selfish but I feel that their is no one looking after me. My husband keeps telling me that leaving doesn't solve anything. I have been to a counselor and she said that the way I feel is very normal and that my husband needs to accept that I won't always be happy and that is okay. The problem is that it isn't okay with him, if I am not happy, he feels like he must fix it. If I am in a bad mood, it is almost like I am not allowed to feel that way, because it upsets him. I just want to go to a place where I don't feel guilty all the time for needing and wanting help with my son. My husband constantly tells me how much time he spends with my son and how other fathers don't do that, I do appreciate it, but I feel like he expects a award for playing with his own son. I would be 9 hours away, so it would be a big decision to go.
Gunny376 Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 I'd be on the next thing smoking out of town to my parents house. You must do this for your own personal mental, emotional, and physical health, as well as that as your son. Otherwise your long term health (mental, emotional, physical and pyschological) will suffer. Your husband seems immature, ill-responsible, and not up to the task of parenting.
Tripper Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 I have a 14 month old. I really wanted a child but our son has had many non-emergency medical issues such as severe acid reflux causing him to cry up to 14 hours a day, several allergies, colic, and on top of that is a very high needs super sensitive child. My son has put a tremendous amount of pressure on my relationship with my husband. My husband expected to never have to change a diaper, get up in the morning with him, etc. My son becomes so stressful to me that I cry somedays because nothing I do can make him happy despite all my efforts. I do feel sad and depressed. Dutchess, I don't think your H grasps the situation. This is not a normal infancy rather your son has some medical issues that complicate the situation. You need to make it clear to your H that due to these medical problems it is becoming very taxing on you and you need some respite. You may need it for a few hours daily or several times a week or even for a few days. If going to your parents in FL creates a problem, then consider have some form of local in home caregiver to come in regularly so that you can get a break and time for yourself. If H balks, remind him that being a father is more than just donating the sperm and spending time with his child in good times. It means also dealing with the difficult times and if he isn't willing to pitch in, then he will have to pay for someone to help you.
FlyingToaster Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 I'd leave as soon as possible. It seems like your husband just doesn't get it whatsoever. Not to judge, but he seems like one of those types that feels he should get a huge reward for doing a common everyday task such as washing the dishes. Other fathers may not spend even the amount of time your husband spends with their sons, but they most likely don't have much of a relationship either. Having your family help out is one of the best things for a new mother, especially in your case with your son's medical challenges. I'd say though that you might want to think about how you will feel about coming back home. You might be refreshed, but if things don't change you'll be in the same situation you were in before. What might possibly happen though is that your son will feel more comfortable around other people and you could find someone to watch him when you need a break. As far as your husband wanting to fix the situation, maybe the fix is for to HIM go to counseling. Take care
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