searchingforthanswer Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 First a little background. I'm in my early 60s, my wife is in her late 50s. We've been married for a little over 6 years. For several years my wife has been having an email relationship with a man she knew from years ago. I accidentlly found out about it and spied on her email for several years. He told her that he was very disappointed that she had remarried, and that if she was ever single again that he wanted to be first in line. She sent him several semi-nude pictures. They made plans to meet twice, but he cancelled out on her because of business meetings. Finally in late 2006 I confronted her about it. She said that he was just a friend, and that there was nothing going on between them, and that she would not have any further contact with him. I said that wasn't necessary, that if he was just a friend that there was nothing wrong with her communicating with him, just as long as she didn't keep it secret from me. She didn't realize that I was spying on her email, so I continued to do so. In July or August of 2007 she contacted him again and made arrangements for them to get together for drinks, which they did (twice). He told her that he was getting married in September because she was no longer available and he had to settle for the next best thing. She urged him to put it off and they would discuss it further. He refused. In October I confronted her about it again and told her I wanted a divorce. She again assured me that he was just a friend and that there was nothing going on. She asked if she could set up a meeting between the three of us so I could see for myself that it was just a friendship. I agreed. The meeting never took place. She says she scheduled it, but OM cancelled on her. I suspect she never contacted him. I waited until after the holidays (January) and asked her about the meeting. She said that she had cut off all contact with him, and that she would be embarrassed to contact him at this time. That really hurt, because she knew how I felt, but she didn't want to contact him because she would be embarrassed. I again told her that I wanted a divorce. She asked that I set up a meeting with my counselor so she could better understand me and my feelings, which I did. This was in March. After the meeting with the counselor she stated over and over again that she had nothing wrong, other than to fail to tell me that she had met with a friend which wasn't any big deal, and that the punishment far outweighed the crime. She asked me to move out, and said that she wanted to keep the house and that she could get a roommate and a weekend job. Then an hour later she asked to stay. She promised never to have any contact with him again. We own a house, and she wants to stay in the house. She can't afford to refinance and put the loan in her name with her current income. She applied for a better job, but that fell through, and she doesn't seem to be pursuing any else at this time. I'm still very unhappy, but I feel guilty about leaving her, so I'm still in the marriage. I realize most married people are unhappy, so why should I be any different? Also, I have no assurance that getting divorced would make me any happier. My W assures me that it would not, and that she's not the reason that I'm unhappy. How do I decide what to do?
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 How do I decide what to do? I would not be happy with a dishonest person either. Bottom line. Until she admits that her relationship with this other guy is not appropriate, get the divorce proceedings moving. The fact that she is so wishy washy about keeping you, says that your just a security blanket, IMHO.
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Do you want your marriage to work? If so, both of you need to go to marriage counselling and figure this out, give it your best shot and then if in time things don't get better, then divorce or separate. She has to put you first and stop paying attention to men outside of the marriage, let alone this guy she's attached to.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 After the meeting with the counselor she stated over and over again that she had nothing wrong, other than to fail to tell me that she had met with a friend which wasn't any big deal, and that the punishment far outweighed the crime. Does she know that you're reading her email? Obviously this would blow your cover, but have you asked her if she sends semi-nude pictures to all her "friends" ? Mr. Lucky
grogster Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Too much knowledge can kill a marriage. Often it's best to remain blissfully unaware. As in your case. If you hadn't spied you never would have discovered your wife's emotional affair (EA) with the OM. The OM is newly married (presumably as of 9/07) and is off the market (or one can only hope). Assuming there will not be any more horseplay between your wife and the recently betrothed OM, you're probably out of the woods. But you have all this "affair" knowledge, which, like a corrosive acid, eats away at the already frayed marital bonds. How does one trust a spouse who secretly sends semi-nude photos to her emotional/sexual crushes? How do you bury or compartmentalize this knowledge so that you can move along in your marriage. Will your knowledge of your wife's sins of the past prevent a reasonably happy marriage in the future? The loss of trust, if irrevocable, dooms many a marriage. What to do. Try joint marriage counseling, and see if that brings a measure of contentment. (Personally, I find much marriage counseling does more harm than good. Also, remember that you too have secrets: You've spied on your wife for years. You may feel the spying was warranted, but she might not feel the same way.). Finally, you're in your early 60's. You don't have a lot of time to wallow in a bad marriage with broken trust, resentment and misery. Life's too short. Good luck.
Recommended Posts