How to begin again?

[Cheburashka]

Hi everyone. I'm a newbie poster, but I have been reading threads for a while. Everyone gives great advice... and I would like some ideas on how to give a relationship a second chance... but long distance. It's a recipe for doom-pie, I know... But maybe someone has some insight?

 

Here's my story: I left the States 20 months ago (for a 27 month program). At that time I had a great LTR (4.5 years), but I wanted to see the world before I ended up settling. My bf was supportive (although sad), we timed it so that he would be finished with college when I got back. Fast forward 13 months and one trans-continental visit (by him) later. I was still committed to my bf, but generally depressed about my program and feeling very alone. I started talking to a male colleague. We became friends. I began to fall for him. (We didn't sleep together, or even kiss.)

 

I was shocked that I was capable of having feelings for another guy, and I suddenly became very nervous about the future of my LTR. (Such as: if I can fall for someone else, is it still a good relationship? Maybe we need to explore before we commit to each other, etc...) I decided to break up with my bf. (Stupid, stupid me.) This came as a shock to him, and he was crushed. When he asked why, I stated many reasons (involving our need to develop as individuals, yadda yadda), but he only heard that I felt I was capable of having feelings for another guy.

 

Four weeks later, he is in a new relationship. I was surprised that I could be gotten over so quickly, and even more alone than before.

 

I didn't want a relationship, but I did seek some comfort with my colleague. (Started as weekly dinners with no benefits... progressed.) It was nice, generally, but after a few (~4) months, I began to realize how much I missed having a relationship with my ex-bf. I de-escalated the situation, and it turns out he was looking for a (non-foreign) girlfriend anyway. We work together, no weirdness. All is good there.

 

Started talking to my ex again. Some very long, teary, and accusatory heart-to-hearts later, I began to realize just how badly I had crushed him. We began to talk as friends, both apologized for doing stupid things, and decided to move on.

 

Fast-forward to this morning (last night for him). He called me to tell me that he broke up with his current gf and wants to try again. I want to, but I'm not going to be home for another 7 months. I have Skype and email, but clearly these are not ideal conditions for second chances.

 

Thoughts?

[0hpenelope]

Wow, I hope that potential second chance works out for the both of you.

 

I don't have any direct personal experiences with your situation, but I can tell you my cousin's story. I'm sure that this may be met with some skepticism, but you know... people are different and I really don't care for people who troll on his story. As far as I'm concerned, he's the winner anyway because he's still very much happy and in love with his lady the last time I visited him.

 

He met his wife at a chatroom (!) and she lived 12,000 miles away with a daughter from a previous marriage. They were an entire ocean apart, but they kept in touch through phone calls, e-mails, and letters, possibly every other medium of communication available to them at the time. Yes, when money allowed it, they made trips to see each other at her home country or his place or met up at another country for a vacation together. Good pictures from their Hong Kong trip! But I'm digressing.

 

They've been married for 5+ years, he adopted her daughter (sweet girl, but a little shy) and have a child together (cute!). What I learned from his long distance relationship:

 

1) True love waits.

2) Long distance relationships can work out when both partners are wholly in it.

3) A couple mutually in love will stop at nothing to be together.

4) Long distance relationships take a lot of work.

 

Mind you, the rest of the family had our doubts. Of course we did! Chatroom? Really? But I've teased him before. "Bro, you got so lucky! You're so lucky that she didn't turn out to be some creepy old guy just wanting to be a sugar daddy for you." Just as we had our doubts, I'm sure he did and she did as well. But we kept our mouths shut... and the couple worked things out. Communication, communication, communication. As I've said, they used whatever means available to them and they did not take anything that they had for granted. Twelve thousand miles... About 24000 km! That's a pretty formidable distance to overcome.

 

So from this angle, I hope I helped somewhat.

Good luck with your decision!

[Cheburashka]

Thanks for the advice, OhPenelope. It does make me feel like there's a bit of hope... I appreciate it.

[justaman99]

Hmmm. i started my last relationship as a long distance. It was great from the start but the distance broke me. It got to a point of uncertainty and delays on if she was ever going to come back to where I lived; she was originally from where I currently reside.

 

So I broke it off. It hurt a hell of a lot but I needed her and I couldn't wait or deal with the uncertainty. Well she ended up finally coming back and we got back together but it didn't work out so well. That's a different story.

 

At least in your case you have a time where you will know you will be together. You have a strong history of actually being together which is good. Can you commit to each other long distance for the next 7 months? I think you have a great chance as long as you're both honest and open and keep the communication flowing. I hope it works out for you, I really do.

 

-Just