borelandkaren Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 I've got a photo of him on my computer in my room. Every night I turn it on. I see now all of the things that every other person who disliked him saw. It kind of helps me. It kind of doesn't. On one hand I can see all of the nasty facial expressions he used to make at me and on the other I can see the way he looked at me when he loved me. HTF can he be so evil and how can I love him the way I do? Don't tell me to delete the picture because I'm not ready yet. I will in time. Everything will be ready in time. I spend a lot of my time willing him to ring me, even though I know he never will because I spent a lot of time making sure that I drove him away from me. I did this with the help of the law. And regardless of all of this, I love him. I want him to ring me so that I can tell him while his guard is down, that I'll never take him back. I love him but I'm not an idiot. I can never forgive him for the things he has done to me, my son, my relationships with anyone that I came into contact with in the time we were together. I know (from past history) that things aren't ever going to change, that he will just wait for the crap to die down, the comfort levels to come back up and the complacency to set back in. The only problem is, I've changed. I now know what I'm capable of without him. My rent is always paid on time (OURS never was), he left me in debt (I've been in touch with all my creditors and am on payment plans to get this out of the way and havent run away like he made us do), I have enough money to eat out if I want, I can go to the movies, in short I'm missing out on nothing anymore. I miss I don't know what but I miss something about the time I was with him. Can someone please fill me in on what it may be because I still feel stuck "back there." I love him.
Nevermind Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 It's the security. With him there was always something. He was always there, because he smothered you. It's the familiarity of him. He was the main thing in your life for years and now all of a sudden he is gone. I know what you feel and why you feel it. Our situations are a bit similar. You will delete the picture when you are ready. Hang in there.
Author borelandkaren Posted May 30, 2008 Author Posted May 30, 2008 It's the security. With him there was always something. He was always there, because he smothered you. It's the familiarity of him. He was the main thing in your life for years and now all of a sudden he is gone. I know what you feel and why you feel it. Our situations are a bit similar. You will delete the picture when you are ready. Hang in there. You're a lovely girl. Thank you.
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