I need support -

[biffster]

Thank you for reading this, here is my story: I met him over two years ago through work. We spoke everyday and became really good friends ... last fall I find out that he is in a miserable, abusive marraige (with two small children) ... we remain friends ... we see each other more and more ... and then I stop seeing him so much ... the emotional bond is strenghtening, and it is obvious we have feelings for each other beyond what they should be. I recognize that this "friendship" is really an emotional affair ... I do all of this research on emotional affairs and this clearly fits the bill. I am confused and upstet because I need to go out and meet available men ... this person cannot be so close to me ... I struggle with this, but, in my own way wean off of the friendship, and push it to a head (we end up having a little fight, which I use as the excuse of not really talking anymore) ...

 

Three months later I hear from him ... it's January ... and at this point we have a serious heart to heart, and I explain the truth... I told him that what was going on was an emotional affair, etc., that I had recognized it, etc.... he then starts researching it and agrees .. but he missed me so much, then bam ... in February ... now we are not only having an EA, but it becomes pysically intimate. I completely freak out ... I don't want this!!! He tries to stay in my life any way that he can, but coming up with ways for me to need him. Then at the end of Feb. I go through a job change, and am having a really hard time personally (wasn't like this before) ... by the end of March, I tell him that we just can't even be friends anymore ... he claims and insists that we can ... we don't need the physical stuff ... I recongize that he will say/do anything to just be around me because he is the one who really needs me ... I guess I became the respite in his life from all of his troubles ... I recognize that he sees me as his "savior" or his support system ... I recognize that this is unhealthy for me ... I am in no position to be someone's private support system in a dysfunctional relationship ... kind of like the secret friend that you dump all of your problems on so that you can get through the rest of your life ... I don't want to be in that position ... and I know this "freindship" thing is BS at this point, because it is so much more than that ...

 

Anyway, at this point, it is cut off completely ... but, he still has this illusion that we could still be great friends one day (he would rather be that than lose me completely) ... so he called me once or twice between the end of March and now ... I was polite, kept the conversations brief ... and sounded as if I were just on track with the things in my life ... in one of the calls, he tells me, again, that he is in love with me, etc., that in his mind he goes home to me everyday, etc., but one day we will be friends again. So, everything is under control so far (if you call this under control) until this week!

 

I am on my way to the gym ... he calls to ask if he could see me... it's 5pm, I tell him on I am going to exercise and then I have to go home and get ready to go to a dinner ... anyway ... tell him I can't see him. To make a long story short, I get home, and he is on my doorstep. I tell him "I am not happy with you right now; I am going upstairs to get ready for what I have to do, and then I will come back down and you can walk me to where I have to go" .... he listens and I guess I had him waiting there long, so he rings the buzzer and I let him in for a minute.... make no mistake I have feelings for this person too, anyway ... I won't bore you with the excuses ....

 

.... so, he comes up, and we kiss passionately ... it was like the band-aid was ripped off! I had spent all of this time healing, and trying to get past this, and now here I was back to square one - and probably worse because my life isn't back on track at this point .... so, he walks me to where I have to go (I was meeting someone for the first time) ... I have a nice dinner, but am thinking about him ... I am in love with him ... all of these intense feelings and emotions come pouring out of me ...

 

... I get home, and I have to see him ... I want to talk with him, cuddle, talk (we actually talk a lot together ... people would get sick over how much we can talk! we go on about everything - there was/is a true bond there) ... I call him the next morning... we talk several times on the phone ... I see him yesterday afternoon (we go for a coffee); I come home yesterday, and just start crying my eyes out ... distraught, confused, upset ... he is having a really hard time too, he has to save his own job and his financial future looks dim ... this is going to be a make or break year for him ... if he doesn't make up a certain amount by a certain time, etc., he could lose his home ... etc... and then, he will deal with his personal life ... tellls me his talked to a divorce lawyer last week, and like me, he has been trying to do the right thing by getting his own life in order (granted, he is the one who showed up unannounced! I had left him alone) .... so, yesterday I was crying on the phone with him ... it was a mess ... he can't deal with any of this ... anyway, at the end of it all ... now I want to save face - I tell him I am THIS emotional because I met someone else ... and know that I can't move forward in my personal life until/unless I let him go .. and I was very sad because I knew this day was coming and now it's here ... that there is no way we can see each other anymore because it will destroy my life ...

 

Anyway, so I am distraught and confused now .. I am upset for breaking down like that ... and don't know if this was done to me on purpose .. .hence the confusion. For example, I don't know if now he go what he wanted - I am thinking that he wanted to unravel me so that he could either get the satisfaction of knowing that I really love him, or that he wanted me to unravel to get the upper hand back since when we last left, I was the one who was in control, making the right decisions to end things ... because now, he is all focused, and not being able to deal with any of this ...

 

I am very confused ... at the end of the conversation, he recognized that we can't be "friends" right now .. which is what I wanted ... but, at the same time, did I really have to fall apart like that??? Also, and I don't know why I am concerned about this ... but this is the main question of the day ... do you think I "Saved Face" by justifying my emotional breakdown by explaining that it was because I met someone (moving on with my life), and was so upset because it meant really letting go of all my feelings for him ...My goal in telling him that was to let him kmow that I was moving on (I am really not that much of a mess after all), but to be honest about my feelings for him at the same time ... I really think I am in love with the person ... I know it doesn't matter, and I know that I cannot do anything with him and that it is not up to me ... I cannot control what he does in his life .. but, I can choose to control how I react to things ... that is why I am so down on myself ...

 

I am embarrased for letting go like that ... and breaking down to him ... only to have him say that "now is not the time; what is going on with him is critical and he can't handle this right now" ... it really upset me, and just drives home the point --- he needed me more than I needed him .. my purpose was really to support his emotional needs ... to be the respite that I was ... he tried to get it back by continuing a "freindship" but too many boundaries were crossed, and you can't go back ...

 

... I am also upset, because I convinced him that it had to end in every way, shape or form ... and this hurts me because it was nice knowing before that he wanted me (me ego, I admit), even though we couldn't' be together ... now I feel as if he wouldn't want me anyway ... hence the hurt feelings ... I don't know if this is true ... could someone please help me ...

 

My goal is to move forward without him, and continue on the right path .. but, i would like to hear what you all think ... do you think I turned this man off completely and that he wouldn't want anything to do with me anyway? That is the part that truly hurts .... I don't know why I had to make myself into a wreck to prove a point .... I deeply regret it now .. because I was handling it well ... anyway ... sorry for rambling, and thank you for listening ...

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. My goal is to move forward without him, and continue on the right path .. but,

 

2. i would like to hear what you all think ... do you think I turned this man off completely and that he wouldn't want anything to do with me anyway?

 

1. That is a good goal, and I hope you can stick to it.

 

2. Yes, but probably not for the reasons you think. He probably saw that the relationship was going to be more trouble and drama than it was worth and called it off. I'm sure he gets enough of that at home - the last thing a MM is to have that in his affair as well. It is clear that he wants to be in complete control of the relationship pace, and wants to keep things in his own comfort level. As soon as it gets too uncomfortable or he feels he is losing control over the pace and/or it begins to affect the 'fun' parts negatively, he will back off. If you run away, he will chase. If you stand still and let him catch you or G_d forbid run in his direction, he will run away.

 

The question is: why would you put up with this type of drama when you can be out there dating single available men who will give you dates and not excuses?

 

Life's too short to be wasting it on a "confused" person. There are plenty of people out there who won't be in the least bit "confused" and moreover, available. You are choosing your unhappiness by staying with him. You could make far better and happier choices.

[taylor]

Hi Biffster,

 

I just read your post and wanted to respond because I saw many similarities between your affair and mine.

 

One similarity: You and I started out as the ones with the upper hand in the affair. The one in control. The one defining and pacing the affair. Both of our "men" were the needy ones. They were the ones needing the emotional support from us.

 

Another similarity: Both your affair and mine had alot of pushing forward and pulling back; taking and losing control; vascillating between confusion and focus; conflict between doing the right thing and the thing we most desired.

 

Another similarity: At the end of our affairs, the tables turned. You and I became the weaker, more emotionally needy affair partner. Our men appeared to get their emotions under control, regain their focus, and redraw boundaries. They saw the writing on the wall but managed to deal with it in a calmer, cooler, more collective way. We, on the other hand, also saw the writing on the wall, but fell apart emotionally at the thought of losing what our hearts most desired.

 

Although I am the one who told my OM I felt uncomfortable about the affair and gave him a goodbye letter, I am the one who turned into an emotional basket case at the end, just like you.

 

Just like you, I agonized about how it all went down. I regret that I did not handle our last conversation in a calm dignified manner as he was able to. I even apologized to him for being so emotional. He said, "Oh, you're just being a girl."

 

Don't beat yourself up about how it all ended. You both knew it had to end. You both saw the writing on the wall. You just handled the end with more emotion that he did. It says nothing about who cared more for the other. And it really had nothing to do with one rejected the other, because you both knew it had to end.

 

Do I think you saved face by giving him some story about meeting another guy and that's why you were so emotional? Honestly, I do not think you saved face. Your MM knew exactly why you were so emotional.

 

But don't think for a minute that he walked away from you without a pang in his heart or a tear in his eye. He just didn't let you see it. Men hate to appear weak by showing emotion.

 

You say this man is considering divorce? This is not to get your hopes up in any way, but more to give you fair warning...It is possible this man may try to walk back into your life AGAIN in another month, two months, or six months....when his strength wanes again and he caves in again in a moment of weakness.

 

I hope that by then you will have regained your strength enough to set clear boundaries and stick to them. You don't want to take another emotional roller coaster ride, do you?

[biffster]

Thank you so much for responding!!! You are right, I should not beat myself up at all ... we are women, and we are more ready to show emotions ... if someone loves you they accept you for who you are, and we should never be afraid to fall apart in front of someone who claims to love us ... the key now is for me to just let it go.

 

Also, we both ended it yesterday ... in falling apart I wanted to show him that I really did love him, and this is why we couldn't even be friends - it was preventing me from moving forward, AND, I just can't handle it - don't see why I should handle it anyway ... no one should stay in a situation that they cannot handle ... I basically drove home the point that this cannot continue, AND, not only can I not handle it, but that he couldn't handle it either ... I love him, and eventually would want more ... and that wasn't my decision with him ... unless he wants an emotional woman on her hands who is going to distract him in a negative way ... he had better let me go because there will be more of that than anyone could deal with ...

 

In the end ... I really do believe that this man is in love with me ... but it doesn't matter ... and, I do think he will come back around again when he is feeling more in control and is missing me ... I think he showed up the other day because he wanted to know that I still loved him and wanted/had to see me ... so, now he knows ... and in a moment of weakness will be back ....

 

... I really am going to do everything in my power to get my life back on track in a positive way so that I don't cave in again ... I do not want to be back here again .... The only thing I can think is that what will be will be ... if he came back with divorce papers and said wants to tell me that he is getting out of the marraige ... and that he loves me, and wants to be with me ... that is a different story ... then I will know that he truly loves me and wants to be with me ... If he just comes back to check in as a "friend" and to maintain a "friendship" to keep me around just in case he might leave ... then I must remain firm! I am praying that I will be over this by then.....

 

... one thing I must say, is that he never told me he was leaving, etc... he told me that he was getting himself in order to get on more solid footing and be in a better position to make tough personal decisions ... he specifically told me that he wasn't going to tell me that he was leaving because he didn't want me to sit around and wait ... he wants me to be happy and free, he claims, and wants me to enjoy my life ... he doesn't want me sad and depressed in to put myself in a position where I am putting my life on hold for him ... at the same time, he did mention that he spoke to a lawyer and that he was getting his finances in order ....

 

... so, I just have to recognize, that if this man truly loves me, he will come after me again in the right way ... when he is able to offer more, and is able to really be with me ... and, if he doesn't love me, then he won't be back in the right way ... and, if he keeps coming back as a friend or otherwise, while he is still otherwise "engaged" ... then he doesn't love me enough for me to want to be with him ...

 

... thank you too for pointing out that he knew exactly what I was doing ... it was/is important to me that he knows how much I loved/love him ... why? because it is true to myself ... I don't want someone to think that I don't love them when I do ... OMG ... this is horrible ...

 

I don't think I will hear from him until at least the end of the summer or something ... that should give me plenty of time to at least get over this and get my own ducks in a row with respect to MY life ... a part of me is also afraid that he will find another "friend" as a coping mechanism ... however, I should really not fear this because if he does, then he never loved me and was just using me the whole time ...

 

... I am so sad right now ... this is horrible.

[taylor]

Biffster -

 

You are well on your way to recovering from this affair. How do I know? Because you have said many smart things in your last post. Your heart may be tangled up right now but your head is not as confused as you think it is. Trust that little voice in your head that speaks to you. It's telling you the right thing to do. It's looking out for your best interests.

 

I bolded some key points you made in your post that I think will help you in your recovery.

 

... the key now is for me to just let it go.

Also, we both ended it yesterday ... in falling apart I wanted to show him that I really did love him, and this is why we couldn't even be friends - it was preventing me from moving forward, AND, I just can't handle it. I basically drove home the point that this cannot continue, AND, not only can I not handle it, but that he couldn't handle it either ... I love him, and eventually would want more.

 

That's right. You can't be friends with a married man you are in love with. You will always want more and unless he divorces, he will never be able to give you 100 percent. You won't be able to settle for less. Nor should you if you love someone. You deserve to be loved 100 percent, but you will never get this from a married man because you will always be sharing him with his wife. That IS alot to handle.That is why letting go is key.

 

In the end ... I really do believe that this man is in love with me ... but it doesn't matter ... and, I do think he will come back around again when he is feeling more in control and is missing me ... I think he showed up the other day because he wanted to know that I still loved him and wanted/had to see me ... so, now he knows ... and in a moment of weakness will be back ....

 

That's right. It doesn't matter. He is married and as long as he is, he can't love you the way you deserve.

 

... I really am going to do everything in my power to get my life back on track in a positive way so that I don't cave in again ... I do not want to be back here again .... The only thing I can think is that what will be will be ... if he came back with divorce papers and said wants to tell me that he is getting out of the marraige ... and that he loves me, and wants to be with me ... that is a different story ... then I will know that he truly loves me and wants to be with me ... If he just comes back to check in as a "friend" and to maintain a "friendship" to keep me around just in case he might leave ... then I must remain firm! I am praying that I will be over this by then.....

 

You go girl! Post this paragraph on your bathroom mirror or your frig and read it every day to give you strength and help you maintain perspective.

 

... one thing I must say, is that he never told me he was leaving, etc... he told me that he was getting himself in order to get on more solid footing and be in a better position to make tough personal decisions ... he specifically told me that he wasn't going to tell me that he was leaving because he didn't want me to sit around and wait ... he wants me to be happy and free, he claims, and wants me to enjoy my life ... he doesn't want me sad and depressed in to put myself in a position where I am putting my life on hold for him ...

 

He may never leave and that is why you should not sit around and wait or put your life on hold for him. Take some time and read some of the threads here posted by the "other woman" and see how long some of them have waited for their MM to "get himself in order."

 

... so, I just have to recognize, that if this man truly loves me, he will come after me again in the right way ... when he is able to offer more, and is able to really be with me ... and, if he doesn't love me, then he won't be back in the right way ... and, if he keeps coming back as a friend or otherwise, while he is still otherwise "engaged" ... then he doesn't love me enough for me to want to be with him ...

 

As soon as you can get your heart to believe and accept this, you will be home free! Hang in there. It will happen. You will gain strength by these words.

 

 

 

... a part of me is also afraid that he will find another "friend" as a coping mechanism ... however, I should really not fear this because if he does, then he never loved me and was just using me the whole time ...

 

Do not be afraid if he finds another "friend" as a coping mechanism. Feel sorry for her. He will put her on the same emotional roller coaster that he put you on. If he does move into another affair with someone else, then you will know he used you and is using her.

 

... I am so sad right now ... this is horrible.

 

Of course you are. You are grieving a loss. Let your heart grieve, but let your head gain strength and wisdom. You will be OK. You are in the worst of it now.

Letting go is a process. It is a part of healing. And that takes time.

The most important thing you can do for yourself and for your healing is to have no contact with this man. It really does work.

Once you decide to let go, stay in NC mode, and begin to heal, you won't feel so horrible. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

It's been 3 months since my affair ended. I am just starting to see the glimmer. Good luck to you!

[biffster]

Taylor, Thank you sooo much for all of your support and kind words ... I really and truly appreciate it ... now, I am no longer afraid if he finds another "coping mechanism" ... I am not afraid of anything with respect to the situation ... at all ...

 

As you put it, I am just grieving right now - and, it's not even the loss that I am grieving ... I know that this man loves me ... and, I know that we cannot be together ...

 

I also know that toward the end, the devastated and hurt feelings, would only get worse if I continued to keep him in my life ... we ended things, at the very beginning of what was going to turn much, much worse. So, to keep that out of my life is not a loss after all ... it's a gain ... a chance for me to focus on myself, go out there and do other things, and just let go of what was going to turn into an aweful situation - for both of us ...

 

... I also love and respect him enough to want him to go off now and deal with his own situation ... I have taken it off of my plate, and am starting to feel lighter for it ...

 

He, on the other hand, still has a miserable situation to deal with ... I, on the other hand, have no baggage whatsoever ... I am still young and healthy, I don't have an abusive husband and two small children to take care of ... He still has an abusive wife, who two small children that he needs to worry about ... he and his wife fight everyday ... she told a therapist that she can't deal with children, she leaves them at home during the day, etc... he is having trouble at work ... whatever love he once felt for her is completely gone ... and has been gone for sometime ... I am not in this mess, and have/had a choice to remove myself from the situation entirely ...

 

... so, I am counting my blessings ... I want him to work out his situation, not for the sake of us being together, but because I love him, and no one should be subjected to the kind of treatment he is subjected to ... daily. I also love myself, and don't want to subject myself to this ... as time goes by, by not removing myself, I would inevitably become part of this mess .... not a good choice ...

 

... Also, if this man truly loves me ... and ends up working out his problems, which have nothing to do with me, for his own sake, then he will come back in the right way ... and, we could build a happy and stable life together ... If he doesn't work out his situation .. either because he is weak or a martyr, then we would never be happy anyway ... and it would all just blow up until everyone got hurt .. including the children, who are probably suffering enough because of what is going on over there already. And, then, I would be responsible for hurting them ... which would be aweful.

 

The problem that I was having, was that he thought that we could be friends and go back to the EA ... because he needs me .... I would only end up getting hurt being his friend, because as you mentioed above, of course, I would always want more ... and he would to ... you can't snap your fingers and all of the sudden not be attracted to each other ... the tension would build up again, and the entire cycle would repeat itself ...

 

.. .at the same time, I would serve as a crutch, not a good thing to do to yourself, and he would never or delay his attempts to fix his situation at home - either by going to counseling with his wife, and sorting out their prblems, or by deciding to leave the marragie ... he would have me to keep him happy and help cope with this .. and I don't want to be in that position ...

 

 

... sorry for rambling, but I am at the stage right now where I am really trying to let go and realize that I have indeed lost nothing (hence no loss to grieve) ... and in the end, if he doesn't come back in the right way, then I haven't lost his love either because he never loved me to begin with ...

 

... he actually let me go too ... since our decision to part was mutual ... and I don't think it's because he doesn't love me ... I think he recognized that adding me into the mix would just complicate things further (for himself), but I also think that he knows this would hurt me .. he saw how emotional I got ... I didn't hide it ... and knows that I cannot handle this (and, why should I ... if I am the type of woman who could handle this, that would be a problem too) ... e.g., if I could handle this .. he would eventually lose all respect for me ... in other words, if I accepted the role of being happy little mistress and denied my own feelings, wants and needs to keep him happy with me and engaged???? That would be like stepping all over myself ...

 

... I could never do that ... I had to be honest about how I felt and how it was hurting me ... and if the result was/is that he agreed in ending this ... then so be it .. it is for the best ... I want nothing to do with this heartbreak situation ...

 

... so, I don't think I am grieving a loss anymore ... I think that it is just a sad situation, that I got too involved with ... fell in love, and am saddened by ... why? Because we would have been great together ... had he met me in his 20s instead of her, we would have been married .. .and, he would have none of the problems that he has now ... I am fairly stable, and a very nice person - not abusive at all!! Not in the slightest bit ... I am also strong and confident ... we would have had other problems, but we would have worked together as a team ... he is also a kind and giving man ... we are a lot a like ...

 

...now, I am talking in circles!! The point is, if I really am the true one for this person ... and believe me, I only want to spend my life with someone who is absolutely perfect for me ... then it will work out ...

 

... and, if he really is truly like me, then he will work it out .. because if I were in his situation, I certainly would ... and I would never make the decision to martyr myself in an abusive and unstable marraige ...

 

If my husband abused me ... I would be out of there!!! And, I would work things out to reach that goal no matter how arduous the task or how difficult ... I am convinced that I was put on this earth to be happy, and I would not keep myself in a situation that was destroying my life and spirit ... I don't think he would either ... but, if I am wrong, then so be it ... he wasn't as right for me as I had thought anyway!!!

 

Thanks again for listening and sharing ... you have really helped a lot.

[taylor]

Hi Biffster,

 

You are wise to let this man work out his problems by himself. He and his wife created the problems in their marriage. They are the ONLY ones who should be trying to solve/cope with them.

 

Your OM and mine are men in desperate situations who reached out to us..like a drowning person reaches out for a lifeline. It's easy to fall in love with a needy person because you are the one doing all the giving...giving is an act of love and the more giving you do, the more you attach yourself to that person. The next thing you know, you are in love. The person on the receiving end (the taker) doesn't always get as attached. "Taking" is not an act of love.

 

They say a mother's love is the greatest love. Why? Because no one give more than a mother does to her child.

 

Your OM and mine are in such desperate situations, they don't have much to give right now. They are on the receiving end, reaching for and grabbing emotional support and comfort from women like us who are kind and nurturing. In the end, we make them feel better, but it is at great sacrifice to ourselves.

 

I am happy to hear that you love and respect yourself enough to never be this man's emotional crutch again. I am glad to hear that you are wise enough to not jump in and wallow in the mucky mess he and his wife created.

 

Like you said, you have no baggage. You are free to find happiness for yourself with no ties to anything or anyone.

 

Your OM, on the other hand, has alot of issues to deal with. The fact that he has two small children makes his situation so much more complicated. He can't, and won't, just walk away from his marital situation, because regardless of his toxic relationship with his wife, I am sure his love for his children will play a key role in whatever decisions he makes in the future.

 

If he does decide to leave his wife, he will go thru a long adjustment period where he really won't be ready for a new relationship. He will be like a man just coming off a battlefield. He will be broken and beat down. He will have a long healing process. He still won't have alot to give to someone new. You would become his nurse - taking care of all his open wounds...and once he was all healed up...he'd probably thank you for taking care of him...and then be on his merry way.

 

Yes, DO count your blessings that you steered clear of this man. He is not the right one for you. If I were in your shoes, I would set my sights on a single man with no baggage. You sound like a person who has a wonderful personality and alot going for you. I'll bet if you opened yourself up to some new relationships, one would come your way quicker than you think...one that would bring you real happiness.

 

Now get out and have some fun...have a great weekend.

[OWoman]

Biffster - My MM recently left an abusive M. It took him a great deal of hard work (through counselling - IC and family counselling, with the kids since she refused to go) to get to the point where he could recognise what his family, friends and colleagues had been telling him all along. Part of it was that he fell in love with me and realised that real love is not abusive, that real Rs do not involve humiliation or public attacks or drunken assaults, but are founded on mutual respect and caring. Taylor is right that this is work HE has to do, not you. He will not be able to leave before he's ready - whenever, if ever, that is. When he is strong enough to leave, and strong enough to love, he will be able to give you what you need - but not yet.

 

I love my MM very much but at the end of the day I knew that if he didn't have it in him to muster the reserves he needed to heal himself, to stand up to the abuse, to walk away and to come to me a whole, free man I would not have been able to respect him and ultimately he would have become no more than a sex toy to me. It's not a position you'd want to be in with your MM either.

 

If he comes to you, you'll have a man. If he doesn't, you'll have lost a boy.

[biffster]

Thank you OW and Taylor ...

 

OW, what is going on with your R now that he has left the abusive marraige? Has he made himself whole?

 

Taylor, I also want to point out that this MM helped me a lot too ... I, in fact, set boundaries early on that I did not want to become his marraige counselor ... he told me what his situation was, but our conversations didn't involve me listening to him for hours and hours about his problems ... I did not let him vent ... I told him from the very beginning that was between him and his wife, and it was not my place to listen and give advice re: their marital situation ... so, we actually spent most of the time talking about me, and my problems ... I was having issues at work, eventually got laid off ... he advised and helped me, listened to me, etc., so he did give a lot of himself in the way of emotional support to me, which is also why I think he got attached to me ... I needed him ...

 

... and when it got to the point where he wanted me to start listening to the BS he was enduring at home, I consistently told him that it was not my place to have that discussion ... I basically wouldn't let myself become the support system for that ... it would have sunk me like a stone, and I toldl him, "look, I am a sinlge woman who has my own issues going on ... and cannot deal with your marital situation ... if you have a work problem, or any other issue you want to discuss besides that ... fine ... but I cannot and will not help you sort out this other stuff because it is none of my business - I am not a neutral third party, and it is not fair for you to subject me to it." Period ... I was very firm about that, so we never (while rarely) talked about his problems with her, etc., .... we mostly talked about ... movies, music, our childhood, business, cultural affairs, current events, our families (parents and siblings), different things we liked to do, exercising ... and, about my situation with work ... he always wanted to be there for me, because you are right ... and I came to the conclusion myself .. he was the one who needed me more ... So, he always tried to make himself useful to me, and to support me so that I would need him and not walk away from the friendship or go anywhere ...

 

... so, I never put myself in a position to be a dumping ground for his problems ... the majority of our interaction was platonic ... we would take long walks and talk about everything under the sun ... happy things, funny things ... it was lighthearted and intense at the same time ... like when you have a best friend ... not a therapist ... I was not and never became his pseudo therapist ... I made it clear from the beginning, well .. when things started getting more intense, that that was not my role - so we pretty much stuck to that ...

 

... in the end, he did end up needing me more (needing to know that I was there was enough for him) ... and, I needed him less and less ... what I need is a husband ... not an affair ... he has plenty of emotional support to give ... but I don't need him for that anymore ... when you are under duress at work, you need other outlets ... I am no longer under duress at work ... my family, therapist and a few good friends are all the support I need right now ...

 

... I am out looking for a job, and he can't help me ... so, I am very clear right now, that what I need is a job and a husband ... I do not need an affair ... and I am out of the job situation ... so I don't need extra support ... I need to be free and clear ...

 

.. sorry again for rambling ... can you tell I am trying to be strong? I really just very sad

[taylor]

After reading your last post, it sounds like you were both equally needy and both became equally emotionally attached.

 

All the more reason to keep NC in place because neither one of you seem to be truly strong at this point. NC will help both of you.

[OWoman]

OW, what is going on with your R now that he has left the abusive marraige? Has he made himself whole?

 

Yes. His counsellors (IC and family counselling) are thrilled with his progress. But I'm not naive enough to think it's all sorted. We'll both of us have lots of work to do in the future - me adjusting to sharing space with someone (kids are different, you can boss them ) and him not fallinginto the patterns he's learned, to survive. But if we want to be together, we'll have to be prepared to do that work.

 

... I am out looking for a job, and he can't help me ... so, I am very clear right now, that what I need is a job and a husband ... I do not need an affair ... and I am out of the job situation ... so I don't need extra support ... I need to be free and clear ...

 

The space you're in suggests that you really do need some time apart. You need to focus on your own issues - pressing logistical issues: as Maslow says, basic needs first! You can't "be there" for him and nor can he provide you with what you're needing.

 

Nor, frankly, do I think you "need" a husband right now. What you need is to set yourself up in a job where you're settled again, on an even keel, and ready to start meeting new, or picking up old, connections as equals. If your MM is in a space then to engage with you as an equal, great. If not, leave him parked until he is. Right now you're in a position which has left you structurally disempowered. Any guy you meet right now who's settled, happy, thriving, will be in a stronger position than you for the simple reason that you're going to be every night knowing you have problems - you need a job! Any guy you meet who is in a similar power position to you will have his own problems - and open the door to a co-dependent relationship like the one you had with MM. Not so good.

 

Incidentally, I find that the more suitable husband applicants tend to appear when you're not looking for them - when you're having a really good time just being you and enjoying being you. Then you have to fight them off with a baseball bat because you're having such a good time being you, why would you want to be Mrs Them?

 

Hang in there (((((hugs)))))

[biffster]

Thanks again Taylor and OW! You two are truly great!!

 

I know that I need to find a job right now ... but, on another note, the one I had before really burned me out, and I had a very abusive boss ... so the temporary time off was also needed/welcome ...

 

In the meantime, I am on two boards - one for a charitable organization, and the other for immigration reform ... I also do some work for a hospital foundation ... that has been keeping me busy ...

 

I have been interviewing a lot too ... went on 5 interviews last week, and have 3 this coming week ... I don't just need any job, I am really looking for the right one, with good people ... that is the most important thing ...

 

In the meantime, I am very very very fortunate to have a family who is financially supportive ... So, I have my expectations managed and my ducks in a row ... I could get a job anytime now ... but, on the flip side, I am realistic in my search .. and it could take until the end of the summer or end of September ... I am prepared for that ... so, aside from the situation with the MM, and everything else ... I have been balancing myself pretty well ... staying active in the community, networking, going on interviews ... I also have a couple of back up positions, outside of finance, that I will consider if, come the end of August/beginning of September, nothing else looks promising ...

 

... So, I am somewhat enjoying this time off, and using it as an opportunity to find a position that I can truly thrive in and be happy in ... I was in a very high pressured job before ... and am making changes in that arena too ... before I got laid off, I already starting putting feelers out ... as I became aware that the position I was in put me on a collision course, and kept me unbalanced and continually stressed out ... now I feel as if I have a chance to really breath again and become myself again!!

 

... when I find the new position, I will be ready and enthusiastic ... I really do enjoy working! So, even without a job now, I don't feel as if someone I meet with one will be in a power position over me ... I don't need anyone's financial support (really, and truly thank God!!!) and have a family (thank God) ... that won't let me sink like a stone ...

 

... I know that ... and that is what is keeping me on an even keel ... actually, since I left my job ... I have met at 4 other men who are interested in me ... three of them at industry conferences (yes, I make sure I am still on those lists!), and one through a friend ... I never go to online dating ... and am actually more of myself ... I have been keeping myself in good shape, getting enough rest ... keeping my house in order ... and, actually really do have a fantastic resume and background, and prior experience that can't be taken away from me - ever!

 

... so, I am at a point right now, where not only do I have to find a job, but one that is going to allow me to be more balanced in my personal life ... I know what kind of life I want now, and realize that I enjoy all sorts of things -- I will never work in another job - again - that drains the life out of me like the previous one had - not for all the money in the world!!!!

 

In fact, I went out walking with a friend of mine this morning who works in the industry ... she just told me of two opportunities, where she knows people who are looking, that have good work/life balances - both are still in the field of finance, but each of these firms have a lot of female employees and are good places for woman to work ...

 

... I was trying to change course while at the old job, but it completely drained me of my life spirit - literally - I was like a shell of myself ... and because of that ... it was difficult to really go out and find what I wanted ... I had to be at work everyday at 7am - which meant 6am interviews! And out by 6 or 7pm ... and then out with clients or seminars about 3 nights a week!!!!!!! I was exhausted ! CONSTANTLY! And, by the time the weekend rolled around, I was so burned out all I could do was sleep ... I was making all this money, but had no life ... unable to enjoy even a meal ... nothing was enjoyable .. I am in a much better place now, and really have a shot to decrompress, change directions, and pick the course for my future!

 

I am also very socially active -- not out looking for men ... had one big event last week, and two the week before ... I wake up every morning, go to the gym ... read the papers, come home and make phone calls, etc... fill my days with interviews and networking opportunities ... go out two night a week - not out drinking or anything, but to specific events ...

 

... as soon as I stopped working in that miserable place, and starting being myself again ... I really did start attracting all of these new, available men ... which is another reason that prompted me to cut this off with the MM ...

 

... I saw hope again ... that I could truly have the life I wanted and be in control re: how things turn out for me ... I saw that the MM situation was a dead end, and that I could truly attain what I wanted and improve my life ... So, what happened to the other 4? Date Number 1: We decided to be friends (I wasn't really interested in him) Date Number 2: Turns out he has two ex-wifes, 5 children a raging alcoholic ex wife who disrupts is daily existence, and a daughter in rehab - next (by the way, I maintain friendly relations, but know this is not what I want so I will not date him anymore); Date Number 4: Just got divorced two month ago - seems like a nice guy, but am in no rush with him; Date Number 5: Very nice man, looks promising ... had a lovely time with him ... connected on an intellectual level (very imporant to me).

 

So, this is a transitional period for me - one in which I decided was a perfect time to wipe the slate clean of any drama or negative situations, and rebuild in a positive and proactive way the foundation for the life that I want ... I am not wallowing away here in some mess of a life ... I don't feel as if I am drowning ... I actually feel liberated!!! I am also highly focused, so I have organized my days as if I were working ...

 

... Put a routine in order for myself and staying active ... there is no reason why I couldn't have a nice relationship now as well ...

 

.. and you are right about not looking ... I am not out there desperately looking ... I am meeting people through the activities that I continue to stay engaged in ... and, when I go on my dates, before hand, I have had a productive day (I have this superorganized schedule ... and every Sunday night put together the master plan for the week - and make sure I execute it) ... then, during the week ... I have less time now than ever for BS ... and the time that I spend looking for work, and staying engaged is enjoyable to me ... I am getting out and meeting more people than ever ... And, by the time I start a new job, I will be refreshed, and know it is the right place ... and everything else will fall into place ...

 

... I am not in a rush to find a husband .. .but if I meet a great guy now, by chance ... and I keep meeting them! I certainly have enough balance and the wherewithall to engage as an equal ...

 

... so, there you have it ... this is another reason I broke it off with him ... this Next Chapter is crucial for me ... and I am using the time wisely to set the stage for the type of future I wish to have ...

 

... I am so grateful for this board!!!!!! I had been feeling more in control and level ... ever since I left that hell job ... then I broke it off with him ... was feeling so great ... and then the drama with him happened last week .. and it set me back because I really am truly in love with him ...

 

... It is very sad .. but, the truth is .. my situation is improving ... I already moved on from one thing that wasn't working for me, and am off to new/better horizons - I really feel great about it !!!!! But, he is still in his situation - stuck in the mud - this was my chance to break free ...

 

... Also, when I first broke it off with him .. I explained to him that I now need to spend all of my time and energy constructing my life ... and looking for what I want and need .. in work, in a relationship in everything ... I want to have a happy life and this transition in really crucial for me ... told him it was time for me to move forward and get things in order ... in a positive way ... we then hadn't talked for months until he showed up this week ... He too now is getting more of his ducks in a row ... and I think I inspired this ... he is getting his finances more in order, saw a divorce lawyer last week ... is now also in a transitional mode ... figuring out how to change things that need to be changed, and what action to take now to lay a better foundation for his future ...

 

... It's strange ... we actually inspire one another ... he saw that I didn't get depressed over the job thing ... saw my positive attitude about going out there and getting what I want ... saw that I had all of these interviews and things lined up .. and I think it impressed him ... and inspired him ...

 

... this is why I think it will work out if it was meant to be ... he is actually taking steps now to improve his situation ... and now, I must step out of the picture .. and let him continue to figure it out on its own ...

 

... Having said that - all of these positive and uplifting things --- it is still heartbreaking when you can't be with someone you love!!! And, life is too important to keep yourself in a situation that isn't working for you ... but, it's still sad to let them go ... very, very sad ...

 

... I do love him, and hope he figures things out regardless of me ...

 

... I feel a lot better than I did two days ago!!! Taylor you are right .. he needs the time away from me too ... we both got attached ... and now is the time to let go and focus on what needs to be taken care of ... and, if it was meant to be, and he loves me ... he will be back again under the right circumstances for me to take a look at again ...

 

... Again, I really and truly can't tell you just how much I appreciate your input!! You both give excellent advice and really get it ... You have also made shed more light on my own situation ... and, now, having listed and gone through all of the positives ... I feel more uplifted now....

 

Thank you.