Ghosts of the past

[Arcanum]

Hi all. I wonder if any of you could give me some insight to a tricky problem.

I'm currently dating a wonderful guy.

We get on brilliantly and after spending nearly everyday of the last 7 weeks together really feel like I'm totally falling for him as I am sure he is me too.

The problem I'm having is with my own self doubts.

I've recently gotten out of a marriage of sorts. 10 years with the same guy. So my history has been steady, clean and committed.

However my new guys is not so stable. Lots of girlfriends, with lots of unprotected sex etc.

I know we women do that whole comparison thing but it's proving quite a turmoil for me. I've never really had to do this before. I've been with 2 men before my boyfriend and they were only ever with one other woman besides me.

The other tricky thing is his best friend. She's a woman whom he had sex with last year a few times before he found another girlfriend. She got upset but he refused to let their friendship die. He then split from his girlfriend when she moved to university 2 months later but his friend and him didn't hook up again. Then 5 months later he met me. I've had some serious hostility from her as has he but he always says she'll get over it.

Now the kicker. He told me he never wanted a relationship with her but the sex was fantastic. That makes me feel terrible. She's very much a daily part of his life. And they will both be going on a two week foreign holiday together with two other guys later (actually they're leaving on my birthday just to add salt to the wound)

He's very honest (which is how I know their sex was so great together) and he says he would never stray as he's far too faithful and in love with me to do so. However even knowing this I still feel sick with this knowledge and her presence.

I know I should be more mature but I feel so new to this new relationship thing. I'm 29 this year and feel like I'm being silly but this strange jealousy and comparison thing is starting to really hurt me.

I hate feeling like this, and sadly even though I've mentioned this to him he's not so good at the comforting thing. He seems to get more annoyed that I belittle his words of love.

But it's hard when I know he's the type that's always thrown himself into relationships headfirst and always told girls he loves them.

It's awful to feel like I may be another in a long line. I'm not looking to be a number for any man.

It's so strange coming from such a stable support base into the unknown.

Is there some thought process I should go through or something I could do or say which may help? Because as much as I'm sure the right words would help me, I'm not sure they're going to come and that means I have to fix my own doubts myself.

How do I stop feeling so sick and sad? How do I stop doubting myself?

How do I stop hating this woman and what she had with my man? And has still?

He's told me I'm the best and he enjoys our sex but I had to basically pull that out of him which didn't feel right. Although he is very honest.

Ugh...what a crappy feeling.

I have to point out that I don't always feel like this either, usually we're having a wonderful time. However I've tried talking to him about it over the last 2 days and it's done nothing to ease my mind.

Any advice?

Feel free to ask more questions. I'm more than willing to give more insight.

Thanks in advance.

 

Ax

[rproctor]

Hello Arcanum!

 

Unfortunately, I am in a similar situation as you. It sucks, to say the least. If you have not heard of the term retroactive jealousy, I suggest you do a little googling to find out more info. With that said, there are two things you can do, get over it, or move on from him. Not that easy though, I know... It never is that black or white, but in the big picture its either or.

 

You will probably never forget about these things, especially since the other woman is a part of his life (which makes it much more difficult I would assume). However, there are a couple things to keep in mind. Jealousy is a natural feeling, we all feel it, in some way or another. Its best to not dwell on the thoughts that cause this downward spiral, but instead when you feel it just let it flow through you. Dont try to stop it because you cant, dont try to hide it because it will make it worse.

 

Also, your bf is with you for a reason. You and him are now, what he has done before you is without you, and what you need to focus on is what you and him will do together, not what is pre-you. Dont completely dis-regard his past though, as it can be a good insight as to what kind of person he is, and what to watch out for. But do not let it over whelm you or halt your relationship.

 

You should decide now if you think being with him is right... Its often difficult for people who do not share the same sexual history to match on such a level, but not too uncommon. It may take some very serious communication and very honest emotions to realize your answer, but its better to get it out there now, rather than 3 years later and then realize you can not deal with it.

 

You have only been with him seven weeks? If so, that is not long at all. In fact, it would probably take much longer to get over your jealousy than that... Is that something that you can see yourself going through? I have been seriously dealing with this problem for probably over three months now, and only recently have been able to come to terms with it all. Like you, my gf is not emotionally affectionate... Which makes it very difficult to feel as though I am more to her than anyone else... Often do i have to fish for things from her, which is like pulling teeth... I hate it, but it lets her know that I need her to open up to me... Recently though, she has been getting better... It feels more like a relationship now, 50/50 you know...

 

Give it time, talk, express, love, and share. Its the only way to defeat your issues... They will not fade away on there own, and nothing anyone tells you here will cure your heart ache... Try to get to know the other girl, maybe you know a guy you can hook her up with... Get her attention on another guy rather than your guy... Or maybe slip her some arsenic in her apple juice, ha just kidden >=)

[Arcanum]

Rproctor

Thank you so much for your response. You make a lot of sense.

Yes I realise it's early days and I know that I will have to be patient.

But like you I am very much in need of that communication which he is lacking. However I don't doubt his willingness to try so I can see us possibly going a long way together.

That pulling teeth thing you mentioned is infuriating isn't it! Because when you pull the info out of them it feels less sincere and yet you still feel like you need to hear it.

 

It's horrible having to feel this strange pain and I know that jealousy is a large part of it.

It's funny how big facts such as him spending his time with me can get clouded by the little green monster when faced with small facts like he's spending her birthday with her but not mine. Not so big on the grand scale of things but enough to make that beast of a feeling flare up.

I am a very communicative person and am forever strivng to be understood and to understand others through articulation of my feelings. To not receive some of that in return makes my mind run riot with suppositions. Not good but I understand my own doing.

 

I'm really wishing I didn't feel so sick when I think about them drunk and laughing together, knowing what they shared.

I really wish he would not get so annoyed by my doubts but rather quell them. And I'm annoyed that I know it will take patience and therefore a lot more hurt before things calm down.

 

I hope very much that it follows your relationships path of getting better. And I hope your gf continues to get better at letting you know how inportant you are to her.

Thanks again and all the best.

[Jilly Bean]

I don't know if it's so much retroactive jealousy, since he still sees this woman daily. The most concerning part of it is that she was pissed he didn't make her a GF, and instead had hot sex with her and then moved on to a few more women...would make me worry if she would try and use sex to ruin your relationship with him...

 

Why was he so interested in not letting her go as a friend? And I don't get how he digs her so much as a friend and they had HOT sex, yet he didn't want to date her?

 

I think you have a simple choice. Either you trust him and believe him that he wouldn't cheat on you with her, or you don't and the whole thing blows up. In the meantime, I would make it a sideline mission to find her a new guy. Then she won't be available to hang out with your BF so much!

[Arcanum]

Hello Arcanum!

 

Or maybe slip her some arsenic in her apple juice, ha just kidden >=)

 

Forgot to say, that's too funny!

[Arcanum]

Jilly Bean

I think you've raised some good points. Maybe I'll try and ask the next time this subject comes up will I'm sure it will do.

 

And yeah there are many other exes but I don't really feel bothered by them at all so maybe it's not a case of retroactive jealousy, although it is because what happened between them happened in the past.

Argh!

Am I just being silly in hating this holiday coming up?