Atalanta Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Long time lurker here but first time poster! Anyway, I just wanted to ask everyone's thoughts on the best way to deflect unwanted advances? I recently left a job where curiously enough, as soon as one of my co-workers/supervisors found out as I was leaving he started hitting on me (albeit very subtlety). I deftly played off his invitation to go out tomorrow night, but kind of left things open ended - not intentionally, I just hate being mean. I should also mention that saying "see ya" to the job/coworker isn't as easy as it would seem, because one of my good friends still works with him - there will be a channel of communication open. I guess that's my greatest problem, the art of rejection lol. I just tend to get squeamish with these things. Any advice?
GPFan Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Any advice? Be straightforward and clear. If you genuinely like this person, then accentuate that you could be friends but dating is out of the question. If you do not like this person, then send a clear and concise message that there can be nothing between the two of you when you speak with them. Agree to a date, then flake. Is this a joke or sarcasm?
Kenyth Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Be honest of your feelings but be gentle, polite, and private about it. "Joe, I like you, but I'm just not interested in dating. I'm sorry. Can we just stay friends? Thanks!" Most guys with decent self-esteem should respect that statement and depart with a disapponted smile. If he's really sensitive, or you don't have the stomach for that particular line, you can just be "busy". Most guys with any experience will interpret the second instance of being too "busy" without offering another day as a sign of disinterest and leave you alone after that. The only problem with subtleties is that some guys are too thick headed to get it.
Kenyth Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Why would you reject him for ? Not to speak for her, but the reason quite frankly, is irrelavent. If you don't want to date someone, you don't want to, and no amount of reasoning is going to change that. I'm sure she knows from whom she would like advances. Learning to reject someone is every bit as important as learning how to accept rejection. I've hurt a couple of girls feelings in the past much more than necessary because I lacked this very skill.
Pedigree Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Is this a joke or sarcasm? Neither. It's a feeling of bitterness from a recent experience.
Kenyth Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Neither. It's a feeling of bitterness from a recent experience. Don't feel bitter. Just understand that many people lack the courage to politely speak their feelings if it will disappoint someone, and simply make excuses instead to avoid any confrontation. They choose their own comfort over good manners. Even when they could simply say they were "busy", a widely accepted means of politely saying "no".
CarDude2015 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Well, whatever you do, don't be vague. Say what you mean - say that you have no interest in any contact whatsoever, or say that you want to be friends but have no interest in dating. Don't just stop communicating with someone "hoping" they'll get the hint. People are not psychics by default. As a grown man, rejection is part of life. It's okay to say no if that's what you really mean and those are your true feelings. Don't beat around the bush.
Pedigree Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Don't feel bitter. Just understand that many people lack the courage to politely speak their feelings if it will disappoint someone, and simply make excuses instead to avoid any confrontation. They choose their own comfort over good manners. Even when they could simply say they were "busy", a widely accepted means of politely saying "no". True, true. To OP: I guess you can try "busy" first. If that doesn't work, flake.
Meaplus3 Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Long time lurker here but first time poster! Anyway, I just wanted to ask everyone's thoughts on the best way to deflect unwanted advances? I recently left a job where curiously enough, as soon as one of my co-workers/supervisors found out as I was leaving he started hitting on me (albeit very subtlety). I deftly played off his invitation to go out tomorrow night, but kind of left things open ended - not intentionally, I just hate being mean. I should also mention that saying "see ya" to the job/coworker isn't as easy as it would seem, because one of my good friends still works with him - there will be a channel of communication open. I guess that's my greatest problem, the art of rejection lol. I just tend to get squeamish with these things. Any advice? You simply could kindly come out and say that your "not interested" I think that would get your point across. Good luck. AP:)
O'Malley Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Learning to reject someone is every bit as important as learning how to accept rejection. Agreed. I'd simply say that you don't feel compatible with him and leave it at that. Being vague or claiming to be 'busy' wastes both his time and yours, when you know you're not romantically interested in him at all.
JohnnyBlaze Posted June 5, 2008 Posted June 5, 2008 Look on the bright side. He'll probably use your friend to try and get his in, so you can use the same friend as your out. When the friend broaches the subject, just say "he's not my type". Even if your friend is just asking out of curiosity and not as a favour to the guy, the word will get back to him that you're not interested. If he asks directly, answer directly. Politely, but directly. You don't want that rep. Example: I asked a co-worker out late last year (I liked her a lot, everyone thought we'd be perfect together, etc.). She turned me down, saying that she doesn't date people she works with. A few months later, she started dating someone higher up the corporate ladder. Yes, I was somewhat hurt that she so openly lied to me, but I kept it quiet. What surprised me were the reactions from other people. Without any provocation from me, they basically labeled her a backstabbing gold digger; a far cry from the sweet & innocent rep she had before. The moral of the story? Honesty may hurt upfront, but it's best in the long run.
Kenyth Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Agreed. I'd simply say that you don't feel compatible with him and leave it at that. Being vague or claiming to be 'busy' wastes both his time and yours' date=' when you know you're not romantically interested in him at all.[/quote'] Being too frank borders on rudeness though. There is a fine balance. Of course, a lot of guys are thick headed when it comes to subtleties. If the polite response doesn't work, then resort to the less polite one.
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