ajr555 Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 I'll try to make this long story as short as possible. I'd love any feedback, ideas, suggestions if anyone has had a similar expierence. I'm 34yrs old, and my X is 29. We grew up on the same street, familys knew each other, went to the same school, but we had never met before. We met 21 months ago on Match.com after our 1st meeting I walked away saying to myself this is the woman I'm going to get married 2. The 1st 10 months of our relationship was almost perfect, we had a blast and never argued. We then began to start talking about getting engaged. At the same time her younger brother announced to the family he was going to ask his girlfriend to marry him around Thanksgiving time 2007. This was the time I was thinking about, but after listening to family and close friends to tell me to hold off and don't steal the spot light from her brother that's what I did. I told my X that and it was frustrating for her. My X suffers from Bi Polar disorder, has issues with alcohol and anorexia. She hadn't worked in months after leaving her job, and some days she'd drink an entire bottle of vodka and lie in bed. An incident occured in December, I was going to pick her up and bring her over to a family holiday party which last minute she decided not to go. Her mother called me and told me to go pick her up, so I knocked on the door only to find her drunk and in pretty bad shape. She asked me to leave, later that night her father picked her up and brought her to her parents house, the next day i went over to pick her up, she spent the night at my place, but never got out of bed, unbeknown to me she drank an entire bottle+ of vodka and prodeeded to fall on my floor busting up her lip and having a black eye. This was not the woman I was in love with, or even knew. I contacted her parents who came to pick her up the next morning. She was off her bi polar medication. She lived at her parents for 3 weeks, got back on track taking her meds and going to therapy. She then moved back home to her appartment, which only lasted another 3 weeks till she fell into another depression, got off her medication and was drinking heavily. Her father had to kick down her door to find her in bed in bad shape. I would have gone over and done the same, but she couldn't put 2 words together in between telling me to leave her the F alone.... her father met me to discuss out relationship and asked me not to talk with my X and leave her alone to get help. I felt like I didn't want to leave her and asked that we all work on this together, support her and love her, her parents didn't agree. on 1 phone conversation her father ever told me to F-Off, same with her brother and threatened me. She would still contact me and I couldnt ignore her, this is the woman i'm in love with for better or worse. 99 out of 100 guys would have run as far away as possible. I wrote her a letter, card every day her family wouldn't let me see her (ended up being 10 days). After another 6 weeks at her parents house she decided to move in with me. We talked about getting engaged all the time....I even had a ring picked out.....i picked her up in mid March to move in and things were rocky with her re decorating the condo, sharing a space with someone else. Friends tell me the 1st month is always the toughest. She'd stay over 3 or 4 nights a week or a week at a time, but this time she was here all the time. My business takes up a lot of time, and long hours and it was tough when she always wanted to go out for dinner early, go away on vacations, and she'd lie in bed all day, not working. She was on a schedule of yoga, going to the gym while at her parents + therapy, but 2 weeks after she moved in with me she got off the schedule, started drinking again, always 1 excuse after another. I would tell her I loved her, she's the most beautiful oman in the world, but she wanted the ring. I was waiting to see if we could get back on track like the 1st 10 months, but we could never get there for more then a week at a time. 1 good day, 2 bad days. The 1st 6 weeks she lived with me her parents wouldn't talk to her, cut her off financially including therapy and it was a real strain. Slowly after family theropy they came around and were talking and she'd go over there weekly. I still had no contact with them and was hurt by their actions towds her and words said to and about me. Through my X, I was invited to a few of their family events which I choose not to go to because of my anger and felt I was owed an apology.......A month ago we started couples therapy which seemed to be working, last Friday I finalls sucked it up and went to one of my X's family dinner, it was important to her because her grandparents were in town. I went, it was a nice time, her family was very polite and nice. it was a nice time. it felt a bit akward, but that was to be expected. She spend memorial day weekend at her parents house with her grandparents. i went over on Sunday to pick her up for lunch, saw her parents and grandparents again and everything went well. We had a blast going to lunch, doing some shopping, couldn't tell anything was wrong. I dropped her off......the next day Memorial day I went to visit family and was going to pick her up to bring her back home, she was out when i stopped by so I went home. She called and said she couldn't get a ride back to our place. I called her back 30 minutes later and offered to pick her up when she informed me the was done, upset and moving out. We ended the conversation with me telling her thanks for ruining 2 years of my life. The next morning she came with her mother, and brother's fience, packed up and moved out. On the way out we spoke and I told her I loved her, and she told me she loved me very much, we kissed and she walked out. She tried to give me back a diamond ring i bought her for our 1 yr anniversary, but I insisted she keep it to remember the good times. I truly want this woman back and do want to marry her. when she moved in I with me in March I promised her a ring, but didn't get it for her. It's been 3 days and I'm living on zanax and want her back more then anything. I've dropper her 1 quick e-mail or text a day just letting her know I love her and miss her, keeping it short and sweet, but no response. She put up single on her myspace account, but still has me as her #1 friend with our pictures up. I still have in a relationship with a picture of saying I miss my best friend in thw world. She's now back home at her parents, and going to therapy and bi polar out patient clinic. What's a good game plan to get her back in my life? Any ideas, advise would be greatly appreciated.
sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 My X suffers from Bi Polar disorder, has issues with alcohol and anorexia. What's a good game plan to get her back in my life? You do realize how crazy you sound, right? (((hugs))) You seem to be in a fog right now. Please explain what you think your life with her will look like should you find some way to get her back.
v33 Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Man, what is with all the alcoholic ex-gf with eating disorders? Same story with me.... Bro... I know you hurt, and I know you miss her. But you have to realize that the girl has problems, counting her bi-polar disorder that's 3. I don't know what kind of guy you are but really you must realize that if you do end up spending the rest of your life together it will be a constant struggle. It's really hard to love an alcoholic, they put their partners through hell. And even if she gets into a program and gets off the booze there is the bi-polar. My ex-ex had this problem and it's a real roller coaster ride. Months of a blissful, motivated happy woman, and then months of a depressed person who won't get out of bed. And the eating disorder.... issues with self-image. People with problems deserved to be loved as much as anyone, but I don't think that you can have a successful intimate relationship with someone with these issues. Really, she may have times where she can give back to you, but it sounds like you will do most of the giving and you WILL resent her for it, and inside, somehow, she WILL know. I know you love this woman, but it just will not be fair to you. Try and think of all the bad things, the drinking, the lying in bed all day, the not being able to work. The rest of your life man, you will deal with this. No amount of love can fix her problems. She is the only one who can, and then, maybe, she can have a relationship with someone. Best thing you can do is be a platonic friend, offer her support without sacrificing you own happiness, make yourself the best, strongest man you can be. Stay her friend. But for now forget about getting her back into your life as a girlfriend. She needs a friend and support now, not a relationship. It's going to be a long road for her. Stay strong. Post often, read up on the issues that affect her. Ask yourself why you are drawn to such a troubled person. Be honest with yourself. All that said, it's great you love her and I hope things work out for her, and you, in the end.
sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Best thing you can do is be a platonic friend, offer her support without sacrificing you own happiness, make yourself the best, strongest man you can be. Stay her friend. But for now forget about getting her back into your life as a girlfriend. She needs a friend and support now, not a relationship. It's going to be a long road for her. Good post V33 except for the above. I don't agree that the best thing the OP can do is befriend her. That will do him no favors in getting over her and moving on. He's not responsible for her and given their romantic relationship, it is unfair of her to expect him, or for him to want, to now become her friend propping her up and helping her through this time. He'll never let go of his hope by doing so, and theirs will likely degenerate to a majorly codependent relationship if it's not already one.
BiAxident Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Wow, I'm sorry that you're dealing with this situation. Certainly not the norm. I'm also sorry to say that I think the best thing you can do for yourself in this situation is to detatch yourself from it. While it may be beneficial, and certainly admirable to be friends with your ex, for now you should work on taking care of yourself. Ask yourself, what do you want out of your life? Only you know the answer to that. My guess, however, is that you wont get these things if you continue a relationship with such a troubled person.
v33 Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Good post V33 except for the above. I don't agree that the best thing the OP can do is befriend her. That will do him no favors in getting over her and moving on. He's not responsible for her and given their romantic relationship, it is unfair of her to expect him, or for him to want, to now become her friend propping her up and helping her through this time. He'll never let go of his hope by doing so, and theirs will likely degenerate to a majorly codependent relationship if it's not already one. Yes, you are likely right. My point was more that he shouldn't expect to be able to be her BF through all this.
kizik Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 It's been 3 days and I'm living on zanax Cut that sh*t out. Xanax will only prolong your problems and temporarily make you feel *stoned*. What a way to deal with reality. No drugs. I'm sorry what happened to you.
Author ajr555 Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 thank you for your replies, if anyone else has any advise, suggestions please let me know. It's been 6 days she's had no contact with me, once a day or every other day I text or e-mail her a simple I love you, I miss you. I'm not IMing her, nor calling. Is this ok? how often should I do it? after what amount of time can I call to see if she'll meet me for lunch and talk? this is the woman I want to marry! I'm fully aware of her issues and would have run a long time ago. Am I still in the game to get her back?
Template Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Damn bro. I truly feel for you. If you read any of MY posts, I had a feeling that the woman I knew was also BiPolar. I've gone through the whole, I think we should just be friends so she can get better, etc. motions but in the end, after all is said and done in the end, just totally disconnecting yourself might just be the only answer (it was for me). I've always thought I've had the strength to help all those that I love, but a realization came to me, that there are times when I cannot help. This is especially true, when the person you want to help, DO NOT want to help themselves. You love her, and I understand, but walking away is not a sign of weakness, but of strength. I hope you know what I'm saying.
Recommended Posts