tabethalyn Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 let me start by saying first, i overanalyze. i think about everything so much it drives me crazy. i can't figure out ot this is totally in my head so i thought that i would try to get some information and advice from others who don't know me and can be brutally honest. i've been seeing this guy for about a month now and he is amazing. he treats me better than i have ever been treated in my entire life. he's always kissing me and telling me that i'm beautiful and even went so far as to tell me that he can see us having kids together. problem is, he works 75 hours a week, half his time in another town, where he also lives. we've been seeing each other as much as possible, and had been talking on the phone everyday, until about two days ago. he dropped me off at home and said that he'd see me on thursday when he came back to town for his second job. the first night apart, which was two days ago, he called me from work and said he'd call me back when he got home and never did. so when i called him at 2am to see what was up, he pretty much blew me off and said that i should be sleeping and he'd talk to me later. im used to him always wanting to talk to me, and the way he was talking was wierd so i called him back and confronted him about it. he said it had only been one day and wanted to know what was wrong and then we ended the conversation the same way. i just heard from him about an hour ago for the first time since that night and he said "im just tired. i want to quit everything and just relax." the he said that he didn't know what he was doing and that he knew i wanted to see him and he would talk to me later. i told him i needed to see him tonight and that he needed to come to my place after work and he said ok, before hanging up. i don't understand why he's pulling away like this. i know he's tired and i don't work as much and i think maybe he resents me for that but i'm worried that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. then again, he did write on my myspace the other night "the world comes to a halt everytime i look into your eyes and i never want it to start again" i know everyone is going to tell me to pull away also but my personality prevents me from doing so. i want him to understand where i'm coming from but what if he doesn't come over? and why doesn't he know if he wants to see me?
btc8 Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 let me start by saying first, i overanalyze. i think about everything so much it drives me crazy. i can't figure out ot this is totally in my head so i thought that i would try to get some information and advice from others who don't know me and can be brutally honest. i've been seeing this guy for about a month now and he is amazing. he treats me better than i have ever been treated in my entire life. he's always kissing me and telling me that i'm beautiful and even went so far as to tell me that he can see us having kids together. problem is, he works 75 hours a week, half his time in another town, where he also lives. we've been seeing each other as much as possible, and had been talking on the phone everyday, until about two days ago. he dropped me off at home and said that he'd see me on thursday when he came back to town for his second job. the first night apart, which was two days ago, he called me from work and said he'd call me back when he got home and never did. so when i called him at 2am to see what was up, he pretty much blew me off and said that i should be sleeping and he'd talk to me later. im used to him always wanting to talk to me, and the way he was talking was wierd so i called him back and confronted him about it. he said it had only been one day and wanted to know what was wrong and then we ended the conversation the same way. i just heard from him about an hour ago for the first time since that night and he said "im just tired. i want to quit everything and just relax." the he said that he didn't know what he was doing and that he knew i wanted to see him and he would talk to me later. i told him i needed to see him tonight and that he needed to come to my place after work and he said ok, before hanging up. i don't understand why he's pulling away like this. i know he's tired and i don't work as much and i think maybe he resents me for that but i'm worried that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. then again, he did write on my myspace the other night "the world comes to a halt everytime i look into your eyes and i never want it to start again" i know everyone is going to tell me to pull away also but my personality prevents me from doing so. i want him to understand where i'm coming from but what if he doesn't come over? and why doesn't he know if he wants to see me? It sounds like he has good intentions, but he's just poor at executing them, especially these past few times. I am guilty, like you, of over-analyzing and over-rationalizing everything--I still do it to some extent, but I've learned not to waste my energy on everything. He works a LOT. You realize this, and you know that when we are physically tired, it is difficult for us to give any other counterpart of our selves, such as mental and emotional ones, one-hundred percent. What you need to do is just withdraw yourself from the situation: Give yourself and him some much-needed space. Let him recuperate from his exhaustion--what he's going through with jobs and driving from town to town will no doubt wear him down, but this has nothing to do with you despite his shots at you. Just distance yourself from the situation, and give him some space. It'll be difficult, but you'll respect yourself a lot more for not allowing his behavior to get to you. He'll return to normal soon.
Author tabethalyn Posted May 29, 2008 Author Posted May 29, 2008 we've been seeing each other for a month. he's told me a few times that i met him at a really inopportune time in his life. the other thing is i saw that he called his ex last week. it was a short call, like 20 seconds but they were engaged at one point, however, she cheated on him and he does NOT tolerate that. i just would like to see where he stands with me at least. i mean, he doesnt bull**** or play games or anything like that. and is always very honest with how he feels.
Tomcat33 Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 we've been seeing each other for a month. he's told me a few times that i met him at a really inopportune time in his life. the other thing is i saw that he called his ex last week. it was a short call, like 20 seconds but they were engaged at one point, however, she cheated on him and he does NOT tolerate that. i just would like to see where he stands with me at least. i mean, he doesnt bull**** or play games or anything like that. and is always very honest with how he feels. Ok very important detail Tabetha: If he told you that you met him at a bad time in his life LISTEN to him, he is not telling you that for sport he is telling you that because he needs you to undestand he needs his pace about things. So you have two choices, proceed and accept that you won't get want you want from this guy right now, OR just end it and move on. Something you will learn about guys is that when they get really close to women they need time to themselves and they just nee to get in tune with what they are feeling/experiencing. you guys have only been together for a month, you can't DEMAND that he come and see you if he is telling you he is not sure he wants to, you let him take some time to himself. Let him do his thing and keep busy yourself, the more you pressure him to come to you the more you are going to push him to close up and eventually away. He is just trying to deal with what he is feeling for you and he needs to do this alone, without you in the picture, it won't be forever and it won't be always like this but let him adjust. If you push him you might just push him away for good. Be cool. If his g/f cheated on him chances are he is not over her yet, because he may hate her for what she did but his heart may still be hooked on her so he Def needs time.
D-Lish Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 One thing I would avoid doing is making any demands right now- if it's a new relationship and he's stressed at his job, he won't take well to a new lover telling them they have to come over. Besides- you don't want him to come by because YOU need him to... you want him to come by because both of you want to see one another. Just an observation that telling him he needs to come over because you need to see him might be a little too much pressure. Same thing with the phone calls at 2am... he didn't feel like talking, and you needed reassurance- so you called him back. It's little things like this that when compiled could push a potential lover away. When you have to call back in a situation like that, its demonstrating insecurity. There just seems to be a pattern of "needing" here... We all need things like reassurance in a relationship, but sometimes it's important to put those needs aside and just let things progress naturally. I think it's safe to say he has needs too.... if he's working that much, he probably enjoys some space and alone time too (not to mention sleep). I know you say it's not in your personality to sit back, assuming you go after the things you want. That's great- but I would suggest taking a deep breath and a small step back and just let him come to you a little more. You'll appreciate it too if reaches out to you and suggests getting together. That is the kind of thing you'll find your reassurance in.
Author tabethalyn Posted May 30, 2008 Author Posted May 30, 2008 thanks for the words of support and assistance. i just sent him an email letting him know that i'm really proud of how hard he's been working and that i want to do whatever i can to make life easier for him. i also let him know that whenever he is ready, i am ready, how important he is to me and that i'll always be here for him, no matter what.
AriaIncognito Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 I'd caution you under normal circumstances that you are doing too much too soon anyway. You've been seeing him for 1 month and you talk daily? That seems like overkill. People need time to miss eachother. If you're talking daily, there's not much to miss. I dont know, the first few months are usaully more about feeling eachother out and going out a day or two a week to see if you want to continue. To expect him to check in daily, esp knowing he's working 75 hours a week, is unrealistic. It's hard to understand why they aren't thinking of you as much as you are thinking of them, but understand that his priorities and yours aren't the same right now. They might never be, and that's something you'll need to decide if you want to continue seeing him.
AndyW Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Honestly from reading all your posts you seem to be very in to him. One HUGE red flag is when someone tells you that you meant them at a bad time. THEY ARE TELLING YOU SOMETHING THERE!!!!!!! RED FLAGS shouldn't be ignored. Just a question. How did you see he called his ex last week and how did you know it was only 20 seconds?????? Honestly I am sure you are a very nice person but you might push him away if he is going through a lot in his life (BAD TIME) and if you throw in how much he works you want to trend lightly. I know I work 65 to 75 hours a week and I was plain ass tired. I was lucky if I could stay up till 10 let alone 2am. When I first was dating my now ex she was just "just" getting out of a marriage. I pushed a lot for reassurance and all it did was push her away and drive her F-ing crazy. Just be careful here.
Cov Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 You've invested in him too much too soon, too much infatuation with someone is never a good thing from my experience. He works 75 hours a week and you are phoning him at 2am when he is a sleep? That's just selfish behaviour from someone who is overly infatuated and it will only become an unhealthy obsession from here on out. He broke a few commitments to ring you, it's no big deal and he rang you later on and has confirmed his interest in you on myspace and in person, what more do you want? He is clearly stressed and tired and instead of supporting him, you are demanding to see him, he will see you when he has time, you need to accept that whilst he hoilds you highly, there's more to his life than just you. When you learn to accept this is when you will have a prosperous and healthy relationship with this man. Once the honeymoon period is over, you with your behavioural patterns is heading for troubled waters.
Author tabethalyn Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 we finally got a chance to talk today and he told me that he misses me and still wants to hang out when he has time, but that for the time being it isn't to be any more than that. he's starting job three next week and wanted to make sure that i didn't hate him (which i don't) i also told him that i understand even though it makes me sad. he also said that he fails very easily and doesn't want me there when it happens. i just assured him that i'm here for him whatever way he needs me to be and when he decides the time is right we could start something again. he also appologized for not telling me this at the start but that he doesn't want to hurt me because i'm such an amazing person. things aren't the greatest but i understand and i'm going to give him his space. i just feel bad because i was that person for him, when he was tired or stressed, he would spend time and talk to me and would feel better. i feel like now i don't know how to be there for him.
Tomcat33 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 i feel like now i don't know how to be there for him. The best way you can be there for him is to not be there at all. That is what he is essentially asking for and you should listen to that, if you want to continue seeing him at his desire and you can handle that kind of thing and it satisfies your needs then by all means continue to see him only when he needs to. Otherwise he is asking for his space because this is what HE needs now, so to be there for him would be to listen to his need and put your needs aside and give him what requests. I know it's hard but it's the only thing you can do if you care about him. good luck
Author tabethalyn Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 things with me are fine. i'n not as busy as i would like to be but i'm working on that. i don't mind being there for him when he needs it because i believe that when he has time, he'll spend it with me. he has always been very honest and when he says that, i believe him. maybe time will tell me otherwise, but for the time being i don't mind waiting. we both have agreed that we see a future together but today, at this very moment, things will have to wait. three jobs is only temporary, he has a very specific goal in mind and once he reaches it, he's going to go back to just one. a positive part of this entire thing is that i need to learn patience, which i don't have, and hopefully this will teach me some.
Tomcat33 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 things with me are fine. i'n not as busy as i would like to be but i'm working on that. i don't mind being there for him when he needs it because i believe that when he has time, he'll spend it with me. he has always been very honest and when he says that, i believe him. maybe time will tell me otherwise, but for the time being i don't mind waiting. we both have agreed that we see a future together but today, at this very moment, things will have to wait. three jobs is only temporary, he has a very specific goal in mind and once he reaches it, he's going to go back to just one. a positive part of this entire thing is that i need to learn patience, which i don't have, and hopefully this will teach me some. That's fantastic Tabetha, it's good to see that you have taken the situation and turned it around into something positive for your personal growth. Good for you. Sooner or later you will find out if you are up to the challenge or not and if it is even one of those challenges worth pursing. Just don't put your life on hold. Keep all doors open so that you don't lose yourself in waiting for him to come around. That's the right attitude.
Author tabethalyn Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 i really believe that he is definitely worth pursuing. instead of being upset, even though i'm am CRUSHED, i've been thinking about the good times that we had together and how great it will feel when we can actually spend time together again. today is the first day where i havent felt the urge to call him a million times because at least now i know where he stands, and he knows where i stand as well.
torranceshipman Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Just really protect you heart here - you are accepting his terms of a less than serious relationship and from the tone of your posts you 100% want, and maybe also NEED - a real, committed relationship from him, which he has made clear he cant give you. You've said you'll accept his terms but if this is going to put you on a big emotional rollercoaster wondering when he'll call, what he's thinking, etc etc, it'll make you miserable and it isnt worth it. Being in a relationship should bring a lot of joy and happiness in your life and shouldnt make you miserable. It sounds like he's got cold feet on some level and is a really nice guy that is letting you down very gently so as not to really hurt your feelings, by saying he misses you but he cant give you a proper relationship. When a guy is crazy about a girl I think he'll make it work somehow. Just be really careful. He does sound like he cares a lot about you though, but like other posters said, he's serious when he says it was the wrong timing for you both.
Trialbyfire Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 Gotta' love guys who setup the daily expectation with a hard push, then start crying about needing space. If he wasn't able to handle this type of pace, he shouldn't have started it in the first place. Grrrr... Anyways, give him all the space he needs and more. It takes two to agree, disagree or compromise to a pace that's acceptable to both of them. If you're invested, start uninvesting a little at a time.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 I agree with the other posts. Whether you take his word for it or not that the timing just isn't right, please don't make him a priority. Don't force yourself into a position that will leave you devastated in the end. Try to see why is it that you like him so much and whether the end-term results would be in your favor.
Author tabethalyn Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 he called last night to make sure that i got home from this party ok. while we talked he told me his work schedule and that he would be back in town on wednesday and that he wants and needs to spend some time with me. he then told me not to be sad, that he just doesn't have the time right now and then assured me that things would change once he met his income goal (i.e. quitting jobs 2 and 3.) it's going to be a rollercoaster for a bit but i'm just keeping myself busy with my own job and volunteering at the children's museum. as of right now i still believe that it's worth it to wait it out. if i decide at some time it's not worth waiting for, then maybe he wasn't the one in the first place. right now i still think that he is.
Author tabethalyn Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 keeping myself busy with other things is key for the time being.
Author tabethalyn Posted June 6, 2008 Author Posted June 6, 2008 he came over last night and stayed over night. it was like we hadn't missed any time together. he said that he missed being so close to someone who cares about him so much but that he likes his space and needed it. he'll be moving back to grand rapids soon which will be nice. i wasn't sure if anyone still read this but i wanted to let you all who did know what is going on.
stillafool Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 How old are you guys? How did you know he called his ex? Glad things are working out for you. The next time you want to see him don't ask when are you coming over because I need to see you instead ask "when will you be available because I'd love to cook you dinner." He will love this and will make time ASAP for dinner especially since he works so hard. This will show him that you are trying to help him.
Author tabethalyn Posted June 8, 2008 Author Posted June 8, 2008 we are both 24. he'll be 25 in july and i will turn 25 in november. i saw that he called his ex because i was in his phone trying to figure out how to change a feature for him. he still talks to her online occasionally cuase she works 3rd shift, but when i saw him talking to her he told me that if it bothered me, he would stop. i thought that it didn't until i saw that in his phone. normally i dont care, cause i still talk to all my exes too, but this was around the time he started acting strange. i did leard a very important lesson in this situation though...always trust my gut. i KNEW something was up and everyone assured me that things were fine. I should have lsitened to myself. lol. things are good though. it's so much better when we actually get to spend time together. he just told me last night that he is quitting his job in kzoo and will be moving back to gr in two weeks. so now we're down to just two again. things are a lot easier that way.
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