northstar1 Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Hey there - im still relatively new to the site and have read a lot of people's stories - seems like a great bunch of folks. Here is my deal - hoping for some advice - I was in a relationship for a girl for 9 months, when she accepted a volunteer job oversees for 6 months (but up to a year possibly). Now I should preface that she had been considering this trip from the beginning of our relationship, so I went into it eyes wide open. Things were just great between us up until she left. I wanted her to go and enjoy this chance - and encouraged her to fufill her dream of doing this. When she left (two months ago), we decided to stay in touch, but that a long distance relationship would be difficult given the distance and difficulty of communication. Neither one of us was planning to seek out others, and we thought we'd just see how things went when she got back. So, it was a sad, if peaceful goodbye. Since she left, we've remained in nearly daily contact via text messages , and occassional calls and emails. Things have sort of carried on the way they were in terms of keeping in touch and our feelings. Probably a mistake, but it just became natural. Things originally pointed towards her returning after the 6 months this fall - so it seemed an okay idea to still stay in touch until then. Now, it appears that she is considering going back there for the full year, instead of the 6 months. I can't blame her, since she is really enjoying it and it's good opportunity. So, I guess I am wondering whether, if she is going to be there a full year, if there is any point of staying in touch. I am torn between still wanting to stay in contact from time to time - and perhaps catchup when she does come back - or to just walk away entirely. Since she is putting her priorities first, I think i need to look out for what I want , and not about 'what could happen'. Any thoughts?
Maggs Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Well I suppose it depends on how old you both are and how committed you are to a serious, long term relationship. I know my BF and I will be dealing with an LDR for at least a year but we intend to get married somewhere in the near future anyway so that's why we're committing to such a long time apart. I would suggest that if this relationship is something you seriously want, then go for it! How far away is she anyway? Would it be possible for you to visit her? Or how about you both meeting at the 6 month mark in a location where you both can travel to....halfway in between or something. It sounds like you're doing well so far in maintaining your communication so bravo on that! And seeing as how you don't get to talk or see each other as often, may I suggest maybe sending letters, small gifts every now and again. To keep the romance going. Best of luck!
jimbob96 Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 So, what you are saying is that you knew when you met her that she was planning this. And you encouraged her to do it because it was a great opportunity for her. So, she has done it. And now, partway through, you are rethinking your position on it. Do you see anything wrong with that?
TMichaels Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 When she left (two months ago), we decided to stay in touch, but that a long distance relationship would be difficult given the distance and difficulty of communication. Neither one of us was planning to seek out others, and we thought we'd just see how things went when she got back. So, it was a sad, if peaceful goodbye. Since she left, we've remained in nearly daily contact via text messages , and occassional calls and emails. Things have sort of carried on the way they were in terms of keeping in touch and our feelings. Probably a mistake, but it just became natural. If the effort was mutual, heartfelt and natural, why was it a mistake? Sounds to me like it's worked out better than you might have imagined. You stay in touch daily and the relationship has, in many ways, been just as good and positive as it was before. TBH, you're doing better than most people that find themselves in a LDR, and you didn't even try! Things originally pointed towards her returning after the 6 months this fall - so it seemed an okay idea to still stay in touch until then. Now, it appears that she is considering going back there for the full year, instead of the 6 months. I can't blame her, since she is really enjoying it and it's good opportunity. So, I guess I am wondering whether, if she is going to be there a full year, if there is any point of staying in touch. What's the big hurry? Have you got somewhere to go? Is there a clock ticking that only you can hear? I am torn between still wanting to stay in contact from time to time - and perhaps catchup when she does come back - or to just walk away entirely. Since she is putting her priorities first, I think i need to look out for what I want , and not about 'what could happen'. You knew from the get-go that she would be gone at least six months, possibly a year. You encouraged her "to go for it" and can't blame her for taking advantage of the opportunity she's been given. How is that "her putting her priorities first?" If I were her, I would be stunned to find out that after all your encouragement and endorsement of her volunteer work AND the daily positive contact you've had, that in reality you're considering deep-sixing the relationship because you think she's being selfish and not being considerate of you. Sorta hypocritical don'tcha think? Are you really interested in this girl? If you were, it wouldn't matter how long you were apart. Her overseas opportunity wouldn't be a threat to your relationship -- you'd embrace it as a chance for someone who you love to live their dreams, because loving them means wanting the best for them. Honesty is always the best policy. If you truly are so hot to trot to get "what you want," do the poor girl a favor and level with her -- NOW. She doesn't deserve to labor under the misconception that things are "just fine" between the two of you when clearly they are not, at least not in your view. Best of luck, TMichaels
Author northstar1 Posted May 30, 2008 Author Posted May 30, 2008 If the effort was mutual, heartfelt and natural, why was it a mistake? Sounds to me like it's worked out better than you might have imagined. You stay in touch daily and the relationship has, in many ways, been just as good and positive as it was before. TBH, you're doing better than most people that find themselves in a LDR, and you didn't even try! What's the big hurry? Have you got somewhere to go? Is there a clock ticking that only you can hear? You knew from the get-go that she would be gone at least six months, possibly a year. You encouraged her "to go for it" and can't blame her for taking advantage of the opportunity she's been given. How is that "her putting her priorities first?" If I were her, I would be stunned to find out that after all your encouragement and endorsement of her volunteer work AND the daily positive contact you've had, that in reality you're considering deep-sixing the relationship because you think she's being selfish and not being considerate of you. Sorta hypocritical don'tcha think? Are you really interested in this girl? If you were, it wouldn't matter how long you were apart. Her overseas opportunity wouldn't be a threat to your relationship -- you'd embrace it as a chance for someone who you love to live their dreams, because loving them means wanting the best for them. Honesty is always the best policy. If you truly are so hot to trot to get "what you want," do the poor girl a favor and level with her -- NOW. She doesn't deserve to labor under the misconception that things are "just fine" between the two of you when clearly they are not, at least not in your view. Best of luck, TMichaels Thanks for the response, I appreciate it. I guess, looking at what i am feeling, is that I am just having a hard time dealing with the LDR. I've never been in this situation before in past relationships - and I think that I am just having a hard time coping with the whole uncertainty of it all. I am definitely interested in this girl - there is no doubt - it's just hard sometimes to get through the daily grind, when I'm not even sure how long she may be gone. Perhaps I'm phrasing it wrong - I should recant - I don't think she's selfish at all - I think however, that I had sort of convinced myself that she was going to be coming back in 6 months - so when that is now looking to be uncertain, it kind of threw me for a loop. Since I'm new to the long distance thing, I think both of us are trying to understand how best to deal with it and with the uncertainly of her plans to this point.
TMichaels Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Thanks for the response, I appreciate it. I guess, looking at what i am feeling, is that I am just having a hard time dealing with the LDR. I've never been in this situation before in past relationships - and I think that I am just having a hard time coping with the whole uncertainty of it all. I am definitely interested in this girl - there is no doubt - it's just hard sometimes to get through the daily grind, when I'm not even sure how long she may be gone. Perhaps I'm phrasing it wrong - I should recant - I don't think she's selfish at all - I think however, that I had sort of convinced myself that she was going to be coming back in 6 months - so when that is now looking to be uncertain, it kind of threw me for a loop. Since I'm new to the long distance thing, I think both of us are trying to understand how best to deal with it and with the uncertainly of her plans to this point. No problem, Northstar1. Sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings, advice is what these forums are for. There are lots of people here who have or are coping with the same issues as you are -- some more or less successfully than others. Keeping browsing and reading the forums. I'm sure you'll find some food for thought as you're not alone, here. TBH, I don't think there's any ONE recipe for dealing with a relationship -- especially one long-distance. But, successful relationships of any kind do have some things in common. They require lots of trust, honesty, commitment, compromise, communication and patience. Work on achieving and maintaining those and you'll up the odds considerably. Instead of worrying about what "will be," why not try to enjoy the "now?" I'm not advocating you put your entire life on hold and pine away for the next six months -- what I'm suggesting is that you keep building on the relationship you've started with your g/f AND living you life. That means getting together with friends/family... doing all the normal things that you would do, but still making time to keep connected and in touch with your girl, even if she is half-way around the globe. No one ever knows how things will turn out in life. But, you can miss out on the best things in life if you lack the courage to embrace the good and the bad when it does come along. If your feelings for this girl are genuine and you think she's worth the wait, then spend some time getting your head wrapped around the fact that it's just going to take a little longer than you'd hoped -- and revel in the fact that so far, things are going better than you would have even imagined. If you two were meant to be together, you will be. What doesn't kill you, always makes you stronger. Keep the faith. Best, TMichaels
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