A disturbing trend of dysfunctional relationships...

[mylovegrowsdeeper]

Hello, I just wanted some insight. I'm 23 years old and it just hit me out of nowhere - I've never witnessed a healthy functional relationship.I mean yeah, I've probably had brief glimpses at a friends house but nothing too solid. My parents? Never had a healthy and loving relationship. My grandparents? Nope none of them either..on both sides of the family. My mom's brothers and sisters..my aunts and uncles..they have all had unhealthy dysfunctional relationships, same thing with the aunts and uncles from my dad's side. My cousins etc who are old enough to be either in relationships or married..none of them have them either. I just now realised how scared I am because I don't want to continue the cycle. I want to actually have a functioning and healthy relationship as an adult but when I've never seen one how can I do that? I'm really scared of repeating the same dysfunctional methods that I see repeated time and time again.

 

Does personal counselling help solve this? Does anyone have experiences like mine? I really want a change!

[OldEurope]

It is not so much a question of personal counseling, I believe, but just quietly analyzing things in your own mind, defining where when how things went sour in the relationships you are observing. You might not have access to the nitty gritty, but some basic study can usually highlight what you essentially need to know.

 

You might observe, for example: that they married too young. Or, the finances were a constant stress. Or that there were absent parents growing up or severe childhood issues which were not analyzed and instead were carried over into the next family. That one partner was successful and the other not. That there were health (obesity, appearance) issues. That in laws were too involved. That more time was spent on the external world than the privacy of the relationships. Just look long and hard at these issues.

 

And no, you are not "destined" or genetically programmed to a bad relationship. Only bad habits, and ongoing bad patterns of bad habits become our "destiny". These can be identified, and remedied.

 

And yes, by the way, there are excellent relationships. These people tend to be emotionally mature, have good temperaments, some accomplishment to their names (hence no "resentment", jealousy etc), a big picture outlook (very important ) and are physically healthy. One does not have to be "super human". Just knowledgable about human nature and human dynamics.

 

And humor is everything.

 

It might also help you to distance yourself from the negativity of your family, strike out on your own when you can, define your own world. I believe strongly that environment affects our personalities so if you are too much around the wrong attitudes that can get under your skin in the wrong way. Around strong people, happy people, you will feel inspired!

 

oxox

OE

[BiAxident]

There are many, many books you can read on the nature of relationships on emotional, mental, and sexual levels. These may help prepare you for your future relationships by enabling you to identify destructive patterns and/or behaviors.

[ZenSilk]

I understand your fear. Growing up, I never had the chance to see how a functional relationship works. I started to fear, and I still do, that I would be unable to know how to stay in a relationship and make it work. However, you're really not destined to anything just because you see a certain pattern in your family. In fact, recognizing those patterns is the first step to avoid making those same mistakes.

 

You can learn a lot from other families or friends, observe how healthy relationships work. You can discuss also with other friends who might have a deeper insight into mature relationships, etc.

 

What OldEurope suggest is also really good, just try to see what exactly causes that dysfunctionality. Some of those things might also be stuff you can start working on while you're single. And don't let this fear block you. You will most probably have to go through several relationships until you have one that satisfies you fully and you find is completely healthy. But the learning process will be worth it!