Numb and Brief Relapse

[LikeCharlotte]

A couple weeks ago I posted this http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=152748 about my numbness. I had a few bouts of anger and one or two bits of sadness but over all I felt much better.

 

Suddenly last night I was riddled with fear and regret.I wondered if I was letting go of my last chance. I agonized over whether I should reach out to him. I thought about how stubborn and unaware he can be. I thought about how hard it is for him to get out of his head and reach out. I considered that we really could have worked through what had gone wrong. I thought that it was possible that he just needed some time to cool down and get perspective.

 

I didn't cry. I was just having the same thoughts I did in the first week after the break up. It lasted a few hours.

 

Then I remembered that he isn't considering me. He probably still thinks that we tried to fix it too late. He doesn't understand. He might see it and be to scared to try and reach out. He doesn't know how to love. He doesn't even know what friendship really means.

 

I remembered all the reasons that I can never go back. I know that he will not face it and come back. Even if he sees it he will just move on assuming the relationship is destroyed. He is too prideful. He will never make himself vulnerable in that way.

 

Finally I came full circle. I need someone stronger than that. I want more. I never did anything to hurt him. I will find someone who will love me properly. A few hours and I was back to numbness.

 

This feeling came out of the blue. I felt that I was over thoughts like that in the first week. I guess now I know that the feelings I've had will sometimes come back. I am glad that I have delt with all my feelings and emotions head on. I am glad that I didn't try to pretend and put it out of my head.

 

I had all the tools and information I needed to deal with this because I chose to face my feelings honestly. I let my self grieve and now I am feeling better and I am prepared to face anything that hits me. He is an idiot for running away. He really is the one who lost. That's his problem.

 

I am fine.

[Nevermind]

LikeCharlotte: Wow.

 

I am glad you've come full circle. And you are right with every word you say.

I applaud to you.

[LikeCharlotte]

Thank you. I just thought it might help to let other people know that it gets better and that the numbness was a sign of healing. I'm hoping to hear more stories about the cycle of grief and healing. Anyone?

[tealeafbud]

You're so cool. You're so cool. You're so cool.

[Nemo]

You're so cool. You're so cool. You're so cool.

Tell me a few more times, and I might be convinced.

[LikeCharlotte]

You're so cool. You're so cool. You're so cool.

"had to come all the way from the highway and byways of Tallahassee, Florida to MotorCity, Detroit to find my true love. If you gave me a million years to ponder, I would never have guessed that true romance and Detroit would ever go together. And til this day, the events that followed all still seems like a distant dream. But the dream was real and was to change our lives forever. I kept asking Clarence why our world seemed to be collapsing and things seemed to be getting so ****ty. And he'd say, "that's the way it goes, but don't forget, it goes the other way too." That's the way romance is... Usually, that's the way it goes, but every once in awhile, it goes the other way too."

Thanks for getting it TLB.

[Kamille]

When things ended I was angry. Well, the first day I would cycle through emotions on an hourly basis: rip-my-heart-out sadness, powerful anger, powerful feeling of I deserve better, glimpse of acceptance, then back to sadness. But the dominant emotion was anger. I felt he was betraying us. I couldn't believe it was that easy for him to let us go.

 

Then I didn't necessarly go numb, but I focussed on myself. Did yoga. Started getting my appartment in order for the first time since I had moved here last summer. Felt like i was rediscovering myself. It felt good. But the crippling part was that it made me miss him. The odd part was that I wondered why I hadn't been able to be that person in over a year (and bf and I were only together half that year). And I wonder now if bf would love that person. I think so - yet he kind of always needed to be the hero in the relationship, and this rekindling as reminded me that I am a very strong person.

 

Today I miss him. I can give back to our relationship the value and respect it is owed. I can recognize that he did love me, but that that doesn't mean our R could work. I can love him again - but it's a different kind of love, the kind of love you have for your high school best friend (who french-kissed the guy she knew you had a crush on at the prom). I will always be happy to see him.

 

Does it mean I am healed? I guess. I dreamt about him last night. In the dream he gave me a loving hug that felt amazing. It made me miss him like crazy, so much so today that I could drive the 12 hours to where he is if he called and asked me to.

 

I no longer think I lost something. I am now thankful I loved him the way I did, the time it lasted. I am thankful we had what we had.

[LikeCharlotte]

I will always be happy to see him.

I think it is wonderful that you can admit that. I think you are healed and you've had the courage to let the pain develop into something positive. Thank you.

Its different for each person and each relationship. I've often heard stories from people who never really get past anger. I guess it depends on the circumstance.

[mollers]

I remembered all the reasons that I can never go back. I know that he will not face it and come back. Even if he sees it he will just move on assuming the relationship is destroyed. He is too prideful. He will never make himself vulnerable in that way....

 

 

I had all the tools and information I needed to deal with this because I chose to face my feelings honestly. I let my self grieve and now I am feeling better and I am prepared to face anything that hits me. He is an idiot for running away. He really is the one who lost. That's his problem.

 

I am fine.

 

I am pretty much were you are (I think!). I thought I was doing well, I had removed everything that reminded me of him, but then I found some letters he had written to me on Valentine's Day 2 years ago and the doubts came creeping back. I didn't read them but they brought back such overpowering feelings of wanting to be in his arms. I cried myself to sleep and then this morning....I am back to healing.

 

I am trying to believe that he is the one who has lost out. I still am having moments of sadness but I at the same time I feel so strong and in a strange sense, free. Like you, I have a feeling that my ex would love the new stronger me...

 

Good luck to you Likecharlotte. I hope you continue to flourish.X

[LikeCharlotte]

I am pretty much were you are (I think!). I thought I was doing well, I had removed everything that reminded me of him, but then I found some letters he had written to me on Valentine's Day 2 years ago and the doubts came creeping back. I didn't read them but they brought back such overpowering feelings of wanting to be in his arms. I cried myself to sleep and then this morning....I am back to healing.

 

I am trying to believe that he is the one who has lost out. I still am having moments of sadness but I at the same time I feel so strong and in a strange sense, free. Like you, I have a feeling that my ex would love the new stronger me...

 

Good luck to you Likecharlotte. I hope you continue to flourish.X

Thanks mollers. I intended this post to help see the different ways we cycle and grieve. No particular way is right. You are getting closer to healed and thats wonderful!

 

Kamille was the one who posted about doing new and positive things. I think it's just great that people use pain to empower their lives. I started out pretty strong so I'm lucky (in a way) to have had to deal with other painful things in my past. For me the strength was there all along I just had to remember how to use it. I know how important grieving is.

 

I think he did love the strength and honesty in me. I also think it scared him because sometimes he might have felt like he wasn't good enough or experienced enough. Who knows. All I know is that all of that is his problem .

 

I haven't become a new and stronger me per se. I have simply added to my coping toolbox. Hopefully more people will post here and we all can learn even more!

[mollers]

Definitely you are right. When my last relationship broke up, I got so mad at feeling like a victim that I got off my backside, went back to college and got my teaching qualification! (Sadly though that was where I met my current ex!) LOL.

 

I think I am a strong person but when I am in a relationship I think sometimes I allow myself to become defined by the person I am with. I adapt to them rather than them adapting to me. That will NEVER happen again - I need someone to give and take and now I won't ever accept less.

[Kamille]

I think I am a strong person but when I am in a relationship I think sometimes I allow myself to become defined by the person I am with. I adapt to them rather than them adapting to me. That will NEVER happen again - I need someone to give and take and now I won't ever accept less.

 

Mollers, it's uncanny how alike we are. I also pick up languages and accents rapidly. For instance, if I spent the afternoon with Brits, even in Canada, by the end of the day I sound british.

 

I think adapting easily to others and different situations is both a strenght and a flaw. It means, in LTRs, that I have a tendency to lose myself in the R.

 

But, and who would have thought this would be a blessing, my ex's drinking brought me to question how co-dependant I could be in a relationship. I learned a lot, about not letting the relationship define me. I was telling a friend yesterday: I really have a good feeling about the next guy I let into my life.

[mollers]

Hi Kamille, it is great to hear that you have a good feeling about the next guy you let into your life. I am a long way from thinking about that as it's not quite 4 weeks since the split, but I know for sure that if and when I start another relationship, I will not lose myself in it this time. I will make more time for me and my needs so that if things go wrong again, it will not be such a massive shock to my world.

 

But I also think you are right in that adapting to other people is also a strength, and I would hate to become too un/inadaptable? (not sure of the correct word there!).

 

I need to learn to strike a balance. Wish it hadn't taken me 38 years to realise this!

[sunshinegirl]

When things ended I was angry. Well, the first day I would cycle through emotions on an hourly basis: rip-my-heart-out sadness, powerful anger, powerful feeling of I deserve better, glimpse of acceptance, then back to sadness. But the dominant emotion was anger. I felt he was betraying us. I couldn't believe it was that easy for him to let us go.

 

Then I didn't necessarly go numb, but I focussed on myself. Did yoga. Started getting my appartment in order for the first time since I had moved here last summer. Felt like i was rediscovering myself. It felt good. But the crippling part was that it made me miss him. The odd part was that I wondered why I hadn't been able to be that person in over a year (and bf and I were only together half that year). And I wonder now if bf would love that person. I think so - yet he kind of always needed to be the hero in the relationship, and this rekindling as reminded me that I am a very strong person.

 

Today I miss him. I can give back to our relationship the value and respect it is owed. I can recognize that he did love me, but that that doesn't mean our R could work. I can love him again - but it's a different kind of love, the kind of love you have for your high school best friend (who french-kissed the guy she knew you had a crush on at the prom). I will always be happy to see him.

 

Does it mean I am healed? I guess. I dreamt about him last night. In the dream he gave me a loving hug that felt amazing. It made me miss him like crazy, so much so today that I could drive the 12 hours to where he is if he called and asked me to.

 

I no longer think I lost something. I am now thankful I loved him the way I did, the time it lasted. I am thankful we had what we had.

 

Oh my goodness, Kamille, this is amazing. YOU are amazing. How far post-breakup are you?? I will have to look up your threads for more details. I aspire to you be you one day.

[foxh1234]

When things ended I was angry. Well, the first day I would cycle through emotions on an hourly basis: rip-my-heart-out sadness, powerful anger, powerful feeling of I deserve better, glimpse of acceptance, then back to sadness. But the dominant emotion was anger. I felt he was betraying us. I couldn't believe it was that easy for him to let us go.

 

Then I didn't necessarly go numb, but I focussed on myself. Did yoga. Started getting my appartment in order for the first time since I had moved here last summer. Felt like i was rediscovering myself. It felt good. But the crippling part was that it made me miss him. The odd part was that I wondered why I hadn't been able to be that person in over a year (and bf and I were only together half that year). And I wonder now if bf would love that person. I think so - yet he kind of always needed to be the hero in the relationship, and this rekindling as reminded me that I am a very strong person.

 

Today I miss him. I can give back to our relationship the value and respect it is owed. I can recognize that he did love me, but that that doesn't mean our R could work. I can love him again - but it's a different kind of love, the kind of love you have for your high school best friend (who french-kissed the guy she knew you had a crush on at the prom). I will always be happy to see him.

 

Does it mean I am healed? I guess. I dreamt about him last night. In the dream he gave me a loving hug that felt amazing. It made me miss him like crazy, so much so today that I could drive the 12 hours to where he is if he called and asked me to.

 

I no longer think I lost something. I am now thankful I loved him the way I did, the time it lasted. I am thankful we had what we had.

 

A beautiful post, it brought tears to my eyes. Bravo!!

[Kamille]

Oh my goodness, Kamille, this is amazing. YOU are amazing. How far post-breakup are you?? I will have to look up your threads for more details. I aspire to you be you one day.

 

We broke up April 17th - so that would be over 6 weeks ago; which is actually a fast recovery for me. Like I said elsewhere though, the relationship had been rocky for awhile - we had been going from crisis to crisis, so when it ended I suddenly was off the rollercoaster. Two days after the break up, I was off on a cruise with my sister for two weeks, so that took some of the edge off -until I got back and faced being home without him. We had one week together in the same city, before he moved 1000 kms away.

 

I still wonder where we went wrong, but I don't wonder if we could have done anything differently. We never played games with each other and he was always very sincere and honest with me. I think his honesty made it easier to accept how things ended: I didn't lose respect for him.

 

Also, we broke up because we both got jobs in separate towns and he felt our relationship was too rocky to withstand distance. I realized that he was right - even if he had changed his mind and said let's try it, there was no way I would feel safe in a LDR knowing his immediate reaction was to say it was too risky.

 

He left for his job as soon as he could after the break up. So now, he isn't around, there is no chance I will run into him, I don't have his new number and he doesn't have any facebook or myspace. We also don't have any friends in common. The break up was very final.

 

I sometimes fantasize that we will somehow end up working in the same city, but that wouldn't be until in two years from now, and we would be very different people by then anyways.