He's getting married a week from Saturday : (

[Confused9]

Hi everyone,

 

So my fiance and I broke up in October after being together for 7 years. He cheated on me and left me while slurring every mean name in the book.

 

Now, he and the OW who have only know each other since September are marrying June 7th and having a baby in Oct.

 

I am having the hardest time letting go of him and letting go of the idea that he still is in love with me but is only forced in to this new life becasue of the baby, etc.

 

He moved away, left his whole life behind, including me, and I am still stuck on the...he did it because he's stuck...he still loves me...he'll be back.

 

The pain I feel is different from the beginning, but the worthlessness, the agony, the sadness, the pain, the hopelessness, the regret, the feeling of 100% of responsibility... that's all still there.

 

 

I just keep thinking...how can he really love her? He was in love with me right before it happened...now she is the end all be all? How did I get here? What is wrong with me that he CHOSE her over me? Because, let's face it...he did. What did I do to deserve him to treat me like the worst thing that ever lived? He was so mean, so mad, so angry...left me with a mountain of debt, a hole in my heart, and now he's living the happily ever after.

 

How will I cope with his wedding day? It's only been 7-8 months!

 

: (

[whichwayisup]

What is wrong with me that he CHOSE her over me?

 

I wish you wouldn't do this, all it does is make you feel worse.

 

Him doing this had nothing to do with you. He messed up and allowed himself to fall for someone else. Yes, it was wrong of him - He's a real sh.ithead and an a-hole, but I am telling you confused, BE GLAD he is out of your life because you deserve a loving man who is going to adore you and be there for you. Any man like your ex, the way he treated you, left you with debt, etc - ISN'T worthy of being in your life. I'm not just saying this to make you feel better, I mean it! What kind of scumbag does that to someone else?

 

I hope someday soon you are able to let go of this and move on.

[Confused9]

Thanks for responding WW. I don't know why I do this to myself. I really don't. I just feel like he duped me. Like he 'pretended' to love me for as long as he was with me then broke up with me as soon as a different 'model' came around. I just wonder how he can't miss me. How he doesn't still love me. How he turned that love off SO FAST.

 

It just hurts me so bad and I feel like I will never find anyone again to love me or care for me. Like I am broken and my self esteem is so low. How do I repair myself?!?!

[whichwayisup]

You WILL find someone else one day, when you're ready to. How you feel right now, well, we've all felt that way - Noone will ever compare, noone will ever love me, or I won't find love again...OFcourse right now you can't imagine yourself with anyone else because you still love your ex. You need time to grieve still and heal. It really hasn't been that long.

 

I DO believe though that once you get fed up feeling this way it won't take you long to get over him and what he did to you.

 

Do the counselling, keep posting here and we'll help you feel better.

 

Okay, for arguments sake, what if he didn't love you at all. Would you have preferred him to marry you and then divorce or cheat on you later in life, when you had afew kids in tow? What if he DID actually love you but just fell for someone else and chose to be with her (For whatever reason). Somehow in the upcoming months you need to make peace with this and put it in a box on a shelf.

 

People change and you KNOW he had a drinking problem. Throw in the anger, maybe some depression too, things just changed inside of him - And NONE of that is your fault or your doing! So no more blaming yourself and wondering what you did wrong. Okay??

[Confused9]

Thank you WW. Thank you for responding!!!! No one responds to my threads anymore : ( They are probably sick of m ecrying like a baby.

 

I know I need to move on. It's just hard too. And I think of him moving on so easy...I am SO easy and that stings. Stings like a b*tch.

 

I guess you're right though. There is nothing I can do to change what happened so I need to get on with my life.

 

Gosh, I wish it was that easy. I know it hasn't been that long but I still feel like it should be hard for him. Why did he get off so easy? You know? UGH! Perhaps when his wedding day is over and our bff's (mine still - he hasn't spoken to them and isn't going to their wedding) which is a week after his, exactly is over...perhaps I will be able to move on easier? When all this wedding mumbo jumbo is over?

 

I appreciate your words so much. You have truly been so helpful throughout all of this. I can't thank you enough

[dgiirl]

Confused9, you want justice! You want him to be hurt just the way he hurt you. It's understandable. But the sad fact about life, it's not always fair.

 

Girl, what your ex did to you was NOT right. However, the day he left and inflicted this pain on you was 8 MONTHS ago! It was one action from him that is in the PAST. The pain you are feeling today is no longer caused by his actions, but your actions. YOU are inflicting the pain on yourself today by dwelling on the past and rehashing what has happened. You, alone, are hurting your own self!

 

Right now, today, you have a choice. You can choose to be sad OR you can choose to be happy. You can dwell on what your ex did to you, and continue hurting yourself. Or you can start making positive changes in your life and your future and start getting excited about what your life holds for you. You have a golden opportunity to reevaluate your life, reevaluate your current and past relationships, and start making changes that will make your life so much better. You have ALL the power of your happiness. Right now, you are choosing to be unhappy! If you really really want to be happy, then start doing things that make you happy! You have ALL the power. It's your choice.

[whichwayisup]

Why did he get off so easy?

 

All this stuff he's done to you will catch up to him one day. It could be the day his child is born, or maybe he'll wake up at 2am in a cold sweat, remembering all the evil things he's said and done to you. Even if he realizes this, he may never have the balls to contact you and officially apologize so you may never know..

 

You're welcome and I suggest you keep on posting. Those who usually post to you seem to have not been on LS in a while, but don't worry I'll always reply. Glad to help you confused!

 

Try to get some sleep and hopefully tomorrow will bring a better and happier day without the pain and bad memories.

[jon01]

The pain you are feeling today is no longer caused by his actions, but your actions. YOU are inflicting the pain on yourself today by dwelling on the past and rehashing what has happened. You, alone, are hurting your own self!

 

Sorry, but not only do I disagree with you, I think that's a very insensitive and dumb way to look at it. The pain she is feeling is caused by him, period. You don't just recover from sh*t like this in a matter of weeks. Have you ever really been in love and then been dumped?

 

Right now, today, you have a choice. You can choose to be sad OR you can choose to be happy.

 

Wow, why didn't I think of that!? Listen, everyone grieves in their own way. You don't just tell yourself to be happy and then turn the pain off like that. If it were that easy, there wouldn't even be a LS.

[Gunny376]

Its not even been a year since you've crawled out from under the bus that he threw you under, and the two of you were together for six years or better. You lived with his familiy, and grew ties not only with him but his entire family, his mother and you became good friends ~ now she's ashamed to look you in the eye.

 

I went through the same thing with my X, and she came from a large family. They were all ashamed and embarrsed by what she had done.

 

Another part is the looming "train-wreck" of a marriage that is coming (lets look at the underside of the beast) It really is just another day in December, and is not a red-letter date in your life ~ except its a date where you will find yourself falling back into your life.

 

The day will come when you will find someone that is deserving of you and all that you have to offer. Forget this bum, scumbum, piece of crap, you're really deserve better.

[Mz. Pixie]

Sorry, but not only do I disagree with you, I think that's a very insensitive and dumb way to look at it. The pain she is feeling is caused by him, period. You don't just recover from sh*t like this in a matter of weeks. Have you ever really been in love and then been dumped?

 

Actually she has and not only did she recover she's flourishing. She was actually married and her husband left her for someone else. Her story is posted here as well.

[Mz. Pixie]

Confused,

 

When I start feeling really crappy about something I always try to think of how it could be worse. I get that you're hurting and I'm not trying to belittle you for it.

 

I have two friends right now who are going through terrible crises. One's child was just born with a birth defect that will affect it for life and the other one had twins born at six months who are extremely sick and may not make it.

 

So when I get on my pity pot I try to always focus on how someone has it so much worse than I do. It doesn't always work but most of the time it does.

 

How can you turn this experience into something positive???

[Confused9]

Dgiirl, thank you for your response. It hurt to read...because I know that there is a lot of truth to that and I KNOW you know what it's like to be in my shoes. I am going to try and be happier for what I have even though I don't feel like that's much. It's sucha confusing, strange time for me. I just go along with the motions but I am not living. I guess I want justice. I want him to feel this pain, I want his life to be messed up. I want him to feel sad and lost. Too bad for me he is happy as a pig in sh*t.

 

WW, I am not sure if it will ever catch up to him. It should, but I don't know if it will. I think of how much he used to love me and how I was so important to him. Now, it's almost like I never existed. That realization that he could love her, like really and truly, much more than he ever loved me...that makes me so sad. I don't want to believe it. That's something I stuggle with everyday. I will keep posting. I am going to need support in the next coming weeks.

 

Jon, while I appreciate your support I have to say dgiirl understands my situation almost as well as I do...because she was living it a few years back. Our stories are very similiar. She's probably just saying to me, what she wishes she had said to herself all those months she sat back and cried and wasted her life over a man that no longer cared about her. In the grand scheme of things...that is really what I am doing. I am mourning the lose of someone who could care less if I was dead or alive. A man I was with for 7 years could CARE less if I am homeless or eating or clothed. He left me - he yelled at me - he told me I meant NOTHING to him for all the years we were together - he cheated on me - then made me feel it was my fault - but still I love him...THAT'S CRAZY. Perhaps she is trying to show me that...

 

Gunny, the thing is...I don't know if his mom is ashamed or just could care less to have a relationship with me. Don't you think if she really wanted to have a relationship with me...she would? I mean she used the excuse that it was too hard for her. Too hard for her - how does she think I feel? I don't know...it just seems like it was so easy for his family and him to let go. Doesn't that mean there is something wrong with me? Doesn't that prove how worthless I am? Cause that's sure as h*ll how I feel.

 

As for his wedding day. It just doesn't make sense how he's marrying someone he met in Sept - in June. Like...they don't even know each other. We were suppossed to get married in October. Does he even remember that? Remember me? Was I really that worthless to him to just forget me as soon as a newer, shinier 'model' came around. I mean...who is he kidding? This relationship was built on a lie...the foundation of the relationship already has a crack in it...but it's the best thing that ever happened to him? HOW? How was I not? How can I go on knowing someone I spent that much time with is doing fine without me while I struggle to get up everyday. HOW???

 

Pixie, I know it's just a breakup and it isn't a sick child, or homelessness, or any horrible thing. But, to me, this was my whole life. He was more than just a fiance...he was my family. My stability in a crazy life. He was the one constant since I grew up in a family of alcoholics, drug addicts and my father left. He was that one man that never let me down...until of course he met the OW. I just feel like my whole life came crashing down on me and I have nothing left to stand on. I just feel like he left and now my world is empty. His leaving had such a huge impact on my life...me not being in his life doesn't even matter to him. That's a slap in the face.

 

 

THANK YOU EVERYONE!

[ilmw]

Not knowing your ex's motivations ... is hard. You ponder "why... why.. WHY"?

 

You dwell on it... until the point you feel you are going crazy... You need to know... But... you may never know. In time.. you will care less and less. My second separation.. and now pending divorce has just added more whys?

 

and Yes... Dgiirl knows what she is talking about

[whichwayisup]

WW, I am not sure if it will ever catch up to him. It should, but I don't know if it will. I think of how much he used to love me and how I was so important to him. Now, it's almost like I never existed. That realization that he could love her, like really and truly, much more than he ever loved me...that makes me so sad. I don't want to believe it. That's something I stuggle with everyday. I will keep posting. I am going to need support in the next coming weeks.

 

I know it makes you sad...And one day, I PROMISE you, all this won't matter. Know why? Because you won't care! Eventually your heart will close, and you're mind won't wander to him and all the why's and how's of his choice to leave and be with someone else.

[base618]

Confused9:

My life hit the fan just like yours. I was married and had just completed the 2nd insemination attempt to get pregnant after being married and trying to have a baby for over a year. I caught my wife sleeping with a co-worker, she moved in with him, and they have since moved away to the other side of the country together (all within a few months).

 

I was a wreck, and I found the following quote from one of my 'heroes' very helpful:

 

I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.

 

That quote has two implications.

 

1: now is the test of your life. How you react now will mold you for the rest of your life. Character isn't built when things are going great, character is built when it goes to hell. Imagine if you had a book written about you in your old age. What would you want this chapter to look like? Grab hold of this opportunity, you may never get another one like it. You can either conquer this and become a much stronger, better person, or you can fail and spend the rest of your life crying over a SOB.

 

2: apply that quote to your fiance. How did he compare? Do you think they tell people the truth of how they met, or do you think they are ashamed? Do you really think "history" would treat him well if he had a one hour show on Biography on A&E? As much as I loved my wife and thought she was the greatest person in the world, I cannot reconcile the above quote with her. Things were tough, we couldn't get pregnant, we hit bottom. How did she react? She ran from her problems and jumped into bed/relationship with someone she barely knew and now has pinned the rest of her life with him (until she runs again). She definitely failed the 'test' of the above quote. Every time I missed her, I would remind myself that her true character was someone I wouldn't want to be with. She failed the quote test. As much as you miss him, he failed the quote above as well. you don't want to be with someone like that. The person you THOUGHT you knew was finally revealed for who they really were, someone who could be cold and transition from one relationship to the next without missing a beat... as much as you miss him, that is not someone to be missed. You finally saw the REAL him.

 

I got the 'final' divorce paperwork yesterday. I didn't celebrate, it didn't make me happy, but I am very proud how I conducted myself. Don't get me wrong, I had so many ideas of how to ruin their lives, I would get far along in the planning, but I would refer to the quote above and think about how I would want to feel about myself 10 years from now. I wanted to be judged by how high I bounced so I took the high road and didn't do anything (well, one or two mean emails).

 

When you're in the retirement home, sitting on the rocking chair, you want to look back and be proud of how you acted... so start doing it NOW! Getting rid of him before you got married will become one of the luckiest and GREATEST things that has happened to you.

 

I'm pulling for you.....

[Gunny376]

Confused,

 

When I start feeling really crappy about something I always try to think of how it could be worse. I get that you're hurting and I'm not trying to belittle you for it.

 

I have two friends right now who are going through terrible crises. One's child was just born with a birth defect that will affect it for life and the other one had twins born at six months who are extremely sick and may not make it.

 

So when I get on my pity pot I try to always focus on how someone has it so much worse than I do. It doesn't always work but most of the time it does.

 

How can you turn this experience into something positive???

 

Got that right! Me? I ain't got any problems! I just thought I had some!

[dgiirl]

Sorry, but not only do I disagree with you, I think that's a very insensitive and dumb way to look at it. The pain she is feeling is caused by him, period. You don't just recover from sh*t like this in a matter of weeks. Have you ever really been in love and then been dumped?

[/quote=jon01;1681070]

 

Sorry you disagree. But the real truth is, she IS hurting herself by allowing herself to dwell on the past and making up scenarios on how he might be feeling, thinking, doing right now with this new girl and towards Confused. I agree that when he left, he caused her pain, and it does take time to grieve and get over it. In no way do I say it's easy, just get over it. But Confused's ex is no longer in her life. The reason why she is crying TODAY is because she's allowing herself to rehash past and made up scenarios in her head. He is not with her in the very present moment saying "I dont love you, I love this other woman, and love her more than you". But she's allowing herself to think this. And these thoughts are what is making her unhappy TODAY.

 

 

Wow, why didn't I think of that!? Listen, everyone grieves in their own way. You don't just tell yourself to be happy and then turn the pain off like that. If it were that easy, there wouldn't even be a LS.

 

I agree that grieving has it's place. But there are also times when people need a kick in the butt too. I had PLENTY of kicks in the butt, and they did SOOOO much more to my healing process than the people who just said "yes, go ahead cry".

 

 

Dgiirl, thank you for your response. It hurt to read...because I know that there is a lot of truth to that and I KNOW you know what it's like to be in my shoes. I am going to try and be happier for what I have even though I don't feel like that's much. It's sucha confusing, strange time for me. I just go along with the motions but I am not living. I guess I want justice. I want him to feel this pain, I want his life to be messed up. I want him to feel sad and lost. Too bad for me he is happy as a pig in sh*t.

 

I know exactly how you are feeling. I wanted justice too! Sometimes I still do! But I realize that whenever i put negative energy towards my exh, I have a harder time in life. When I put positive energy towards myself and my future, I have an easier time in life. Have you ever read "The Secret?" Laws of attraction? I was going through my divorce just before I heard about this book. But I learned all those lessons prior to reading the book and it REALLY did help me recover. If you havent had a chance, read it and start implementing it. You'll see you'll have a MUCH better life if you do!

[sumdude]

It's hard getting through the Why's..

 

Dgiirl is absolutly right.. It just doesn't happen overnight. It does start with the decision to be happy. Then you have to work at it.. every day... every minute you climb that next hill. Some days you get tired and slip down.

 

I was on my buddy's boat last week. Couldn't sleep and picked up a thick book written by his father "Autobahn to Berchtesgaden."

 

It's his story as an infantry sargent in WWII. He was basically an orphan, lost his dad at 3, Mom at 8. Ended up living with his Aunt and alcoholic Uncle. Joined the army before the war started, 3rd division. He landed in Africa, then later in Italy.. fought all the way up to Germany. Almost lost a leg then back to the front. He lived through, fought and survived the entire war in Europe.. then went on to Korea.. This book pulled no punches.

 

This is one tough dude.. who lived through and saw things I can't even imagine. So when I start feeling sorry myself I stop and think of this book... sets my mind straight.

 

He himself wrote that those days he feels sorry for himself he thinks of the guys who lost way more and survived worse and that sets his mind right as well.

[dgiirl]

I was a little stress for time this morning but wanted to add a few more points.

 

First, I wanted to thank everyone who acknowledged that I have good intentions in my advice (mz. pixel, ilmw, sumdude, etc).

 

I also wanted to stress that I realize getting over a heart ache is not an easy task and it isnt simply a "get over it" deal. But my intention behind my advice is to empower Confused on the necessary changes she needs to make to become a success story. I dont want her to just keep letting life kick her around and keep wondering why this is happening to her. One can drown in all the why's. Instead, once she really truly understands that she has _complete control_ over her happiness by the simple fact that she can choose her own thoughts and actions, she can start moving on to a much better life.

 

When you are in the initial stages of a breakup, you really do lose a sense of control. You feel your world is spiraling out of control and you have no strength to keep up. You feel you'll never be happy again, and you think the one who left you is in a much better place than you currently are. You feel that you were wronged and you want justice. You want the people who inflicted this pain on you to suffer just as much. And when we let ourselves believe these people are having a fantastic life without us, we get even more angry and upset and hurt. Or when we worry about our futures and never finding anyone to love again, and mourning our dreams for our future, we're even more hurt and angry. However, the reality for most of us is, we're no longer in contact with our ex's. We no longer have that same relationship with our ex's where they tell us their deepest thoughts and feelings, and a LOT of people dont want to appear wrong or weak, so they will put on appearances and say "Everything's great" when in reality they might not. Truth is, most of us dont have a faint idea of how or what our ex's are thinking, especially if it's been weeks, or months or years of no contact. They could be having the BEST time of their entire lives, or the WORST time. We simply just dont know. But we tend to get little tidbits of information and create these huge scenarios about our ex's living the big life. And this is why we continue to hurt. We put so much effort into thinking about our ex's, our past, our fears of never having what we truly want, and wanting revenge and justice, and none of that is positive to OUR lives. It's wasted energy and only prolongs our hurt.

 

At this stage, we can no longer blame our ex's for hurting us. It'd be different if they called us up every single hour of the day and laughed at us saying what a great life they are having without us. But they are not doing that. I dont think most of us would call up any of our friends who are going through a breakup and tell them how much better their ex's are off without them, how there must be something wrong with them because their ex's left them, how they are useless and will never find love and happiness again. I dont think many of us would do that to a complete stranger. And I dont think many of us would even do that to people we dont like. Yet, we seem to think it's completely acceptable to do that to ourselves. We allow _our_ own THOUGHTS to do exactly that. Things we'd never ever do to our own worst enemy, we do to ourselves.

 

To get over the heartache, we really need to put that effort into something that will be positive for US. Learning to control our thoughts, reflecting on the relationship and taking something positive away from it, realizing we're not alone in our struggles, and realizing things could be worse are just different ways of us gaining back control in our lives.

 

I think in the big scheme of things, it doesnt really matter WHO is in our lives, just as long as we are HAPPY. I love my mom and dad dearly. They (mostly) make my life better. But if I had been born with a different mom and dad who loved me just as much, who enhanced my life just as much, it wouldnt really matter WHO my mom was. I would STILL love the lady who was my mom. Just the same with a past lover. While they are in our lives, they enhance it and I'm happy. But when they leave, naturally I am sad. But in 10-20 years from now, when I've moved on and found another love who makes me just as happy if not more, and I've achieved everything I ever dreamt having in my life, this past relationship wont mean as much to me anymore. I will have grown and changed and needed and wanted different things in life. And the sooner you put the effort into things that improve your life, the sooner you start to heal. Having happiness is really as simple as controlling your thoughts. Granted, controlling your thoughts is not a simple task, but once you start stopping yourself mid thought and learning to refocus your thoughts to better things, you will see how your happiness is entirely in your own control. And knowing we do have such control is empowering.

[sumdude]

Granted, controlling your thoughts is not a simple task, but once you start stopping yourself mid thought and learning to refocus your thoughts to better things, you will see how your happiness is entirely in your own control. And knowing we do have such control is empowering.

 

So true and for many people a real challenge. It's the path out of depression and feeling like a victim. I know it's something I am struggling with at times and have throughout my life. Changing a lifetime of thinking habits.

[Confused9]

I don't have a ton of time to respond and will do so later but I just wanted to thank everyone once again for their responses and just say that if I could stop this pain and stop feeling, or thinking like this I would...I just obsess about him and his happiness. I know it's hard to understand why I continue these harmful thoughts and others get exactly what I am doing, but either way as much as it's a 'choice' it's one that for some reason my heart or head won't let me let go of.

 

As we all know, when it rains it pours and a lot of sh*t has happened since my ex left and a lot more will happen years to come I am sure. I guess for me the whole how does he get to be happy when he was the b@stard thing gets the best of me. I don't think it fair and as a person who strives to be a good person I wonder where all this negative karma is coming from. Why he gets off scott free and I sit here broken, in debt and mouring our relationship while he picks up and moves on in the blink of any eye. I really believed he loved me and the fact of the matter is...he obvioulsy didn't and he fooled me towards the end I guess. That KILLS my heart.

 

I don't have a great relationship with men and this has just made it even more apparant that men just leave me. What did I do to deserve this? That's what makes my head spin everyday.

 

I will respond to you each when I get back.

 

Thanks for the advice and help. I know I need it.

[sumdude]

It's not at all hard to understand C9... I've been there. I'm just a little further away time wise from where you are now and dgiirl is much futher away than I am. I still have those same thoughts once in a while... the advice here is to give you an idea of what the path is. You're in the anger and depression stages of grief. It hasn't really been that long since it all happened. What you are feeling is normal and natural. The trick is that you do have to move past it at some point lest you be trapped there for too long. So feel it, let it out, you're purging. Just keep it in the back of your head that at some point you will have to take your life back.

[dgiirl]

if I could stop this pain and stop feeling, or thinking like this I would...I just obsess about him and his happiness. I know it's hard to understand why I continue these harmful thoughts

 

Trust me, I do fully understand the obsessive thoughts. They pop into your head constantly. It's not about preventing these thoughts from popping into your heading. It's about once you catch yourself doing it, to stop, and refocus your thoughts onto something that benefits you instead of harming you. That is when the choice comes into play. You cant prevent them from popping into your head out of nowhere, but once you DO realize they popped into your head, you have a choice. Continue rehasing these scenarios in your head, or to stop yourself and focus on better things.

 

It does take practice and effort. It's very hard at first. You'll notice that you will catch yourself, refocus, and then 2 minutes later catch yourself dwelling on the past again. But every single time you catch yourself, refocus your thoughts. Dont lose patience with yourself, dont get mad at yourself, show yourself some compassion and forgiveness for having these thoughts, but also dont allow yourself to _continue_ dwelling in those thoughts. Once you notice yourself doing it, just ask yourself are these thoughts making you happy right now? If not, then what can you do about it?

 

The more you practice the easier it'll get. And the more you practice, when you go on a downward slope of this rollercoaster of emotions, you'll notice you'll recover from them faster.

[sedgwick]

The pain I feel is different from the beginning, but the worthlessness, the agony, the sadness, the pain, the hopelessness, the regret, the feeling of 100% of responsibility... that's all still there.

 

It is for me too, and mine dumped me last July. It's been almost a year and I still feel totally worthless and like the breakup was all my fault. I've replayed everything I ever said and did in our relationship a million times, and somehow it's like the fact that I loved him with all my heart and treated him like gold just doesn't exist. I feel like I never did anything good, that he won't remember anything good about me, that he'll only remember the little things I said or did that were wrong.

 

I want to think these feelings are erroneous -- last night I spoke at length to a friend who assured me they were. So maybe yours are too. That would be my guess.

 

What do you think you did to ruin the relationship? What was so bad about you that you singlehandedly drove him to leave you? Tell me, and I'll try to do for you what my friend did for me and tell you that's bullsh*t.

[Confused9]

The whole thing just sucks. I just miss him and everything we had together. I know I need to get over him but I am so consumed with his life and what is going on in it and I am not living my life. I stalk his life on myspace and try and get bits and pieces of info and like dgiirl says I make this big story about a little tid bit I read or saw.

 

It's disgusting. It's frightening, really. This man wants nothing to do with me and that kills me. It hurts to know she is the one or at least I wasn't. I want to believe I will always be the 'one that got away' or that he will one day resent her because she trapped him or something. How sick is that?

 

I just feel so worthless. I feel like nothing in my life is going right and I am just stuck. I look at everything around me and am not thankful for anything I have. Even though, I have a job (well 2), a home (I rent not own), a lovely cat, friends, and a crazy family that loves me and even though they aren't really able to be there for me...at least I have them. I don't know. Nothing seems 'good enough' I am disapointed in my life and how it's turned out.

 

I have always played by the rules hoping and praying that would get me what I wanted out of life. I guess nice gals do finish last. It's just not fair. I look at what my x did and wonder how he gets to have this wonderful life while I am in h*ll. Shouldn't it be reversed? Why does he get to be in love first? Happy? Having a child, etc. IT's just not fair. I know life isn't fair and I just want justice but I am sick of having everyone leave or take advantage of my niceness and I am sick of not having a damn person to count on. I am there for everyone and then they leave. I made my x the man he is today. He had no job when I met him now, he's extremely succesful. I helped him learn responsibility and showed him that there is more to life than partying now he is successful and walks away while I am just stuck. Seems so unfair!!!!

 

I know I need to just stop thinking about him and start living but it's so damn hard and I get so mad at myself for wasting all this time. I am going to look back on my life and be pizzed if I don't get my sh*t together and start moving forward, but I continue to get in this rut. It sickens me.

 

I want better for myself. I shouldn't be crying over the man that he was...because he isn't that man anymore!!! For the OW he may be that charming, loving, wonderful man...but not for me. For me he is the man that took me for everything I had, broke my heart, left me, kicked me while I was down, made me feel worthless, lose sleep, cry a million tears, and made me feel like EVERYTHING was my fault...yet I want him in my life. How stupid is that?

 

That old person he was is gone. He is gone and I need to let him go. I need to stop obsessing and watching his life through the internet and reading his quotes on myspace. I need to let him go. I need to want to let him go. He is NOT coming back. No matter how bad I want him to. He is getting married and not to me. He left me...but I still think he loves me. I still play these games in my head. These things I tell myself: 'he left because she's preggo, he doesn't love her, he is just marrying her because of the baby, he still loves me...he always will. I mean everything to him. He was only angry because he loved me and was hurting. He wanted to be with me but knew it would be too hard so the easiest thing to do was leave. Once the honeymoon stage is over...he will be back. I say all this things to myself. That is toxic and BAD and to all you probably laughable to think.

 

He's happy with her and loves her. I need to realize that. If I could just do that perhaps I could let go. But, I don't want to believe that because if it's true that means he doesn't love me, fell out of love wiht me, and she is better. That means something is wrong wiht me. I wasn't pretty enough, nice enough, good enough. I feel like I am a bad person becasue if I wasn't ...he wouldn't have been able to do this to me. IF I was a good fiance he wouldn't have left. I shouldn't have paid bills, instead I should have had more fun, I shouldn't have yelled at him for drinking too much or spending our money on stupid things like alcohol. I should have paid more attention to him, had more sex. He said I cared too much about my family...perhaps I did? Perhapse when one of them needed money for rehab or to get bailed out I shouldn't have given it to them. Perhaps if I did that stuff he wouldn't have left? But, what if I didn't help them and one of them died from an overdose? I mean...I couldn't not help my family...now they are all I have.

 

I don't even know where I am going wiht this. I guess I jst needed to write nmy feelings out.

 

Sorry!