v33 Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 The other day I left some things for the ex at "our" house with her mail. They were sentimental things and I suppose I left them to show her I care and to hopefully get an emotional reaction from her or maybe trigger her to miss me and contact me. She hasn't been by to pick them up yet and when I woke up today I started to realize that it's pointless to leave these things for her. She left 2 months ago. She doesn't come around when she knows I will be home. She never makes first contact. She doesn't act like she misses me when I do see her. I put the things away and have decided not to give them to her or try anymore to get her to think about our past. She isn't going to. She knows where I am, she knows I am a doormat and that she could contact me at anytime and I would be thrilled with it. I see now that she is gone and gone forever. I also know that I don't want her back, we can't be friends as we haven't been for ages and we are not going to be **** buddies. It makes no sense as she is a mess and I was always good to her, but regardless, she does not want me anymore. I will no longer validate her, give her attention and ego boosts. Every time I try something like send a text or leave a gift or letter she never responds in any way and it makes me feel terrible for days and sometimes makes me push even harder. I lose more self-respect every time this happens. It's just not worth it. She will never acknowledge what she lost when she left me and I am glad for it. She was a chaotic, stressful, difficult and draining person to have in my life. I am a little scared to move on and discover who I am as a single person who is free to pursue his own dreams and life, but eventually it won't seem so intimidating. I have made this so much about her and about us, when I should be making it all about me. She could be happy, sad, alone or in love... none of that makes a difference to my life. It's hard to let go of the past, but eventually memories just become distant thoughts and then fade away. I am not going to waste anymore energy on her. Doing what I have been doing is like blasting the furnace in the winter and then opening all the doors and windows. Hey, my 100th post! Glad it was a positive one.
mollers Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Good on you. I am slowly moving in the same direction as you but god it is hard work. Had a crying phase last night when I found some old letters from him, cried myself to sleep but this morning managed to get up without feeling as sick to my stomach as I have in the past. I am pleased for you and you should be proud of yourself. Onwards and upwards. It is scary but it is a massive learning curve also. XX
Loukos_od Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Congrats dude.!! U talk wise.Just want to let you know that your post gave me strenght.And for that i thank u .
wareagle Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Great post man, it has inspired me!! Goodluck and I wish you the best!!
Author v33 Posted May 30, 2008 Author Posted May 30, 2008 Glad you found some inspiration in it, guys! UPDATE : She left an envelope with the key to the house and a note today. The envelope was addressed with my full name though I am the only person that lives here. Very formal. The note was very neutral, some vaguely inspirational drivel about how she wishes me the best and how she is trying to make a new start of her messed up life. I have seen notes like this before from her and heard her speak in this manner to casual friends.... it's an act she gives people who she doesn't want to really know her. I have become one of those people. A stranger now. It felt good in a strange way. I get the "mask" now. She face she puts on to everyone but the one special person in her life. This is the third time she has repeated this cycle in relationships, and I know it won't be the last. I went to the gym after work today with a friend (guys, if you have been dumped join a gym and work hard! It is amazing how it clears you head and builds your emotional strength! I can't stress how much it has helped me!) and she briefly came up in our conversation. He told me before not to talk about, not that he doesn't want to hear, but because when you talk about you ex it helps keep the memory of the break-up alive. He also told me to understand that it was a chapter in my life that is now closed and it's time to focus on me. It really meant a lot to hear it from him, the way he said it. Especially after we just worked out, one of the few things I do solely for myself. It gets better, friends. It really does. You won't know what does it, but the note and the key didn't make me cry. I didn't get sad. Something happened in the last day or so where I just see this clearly. As another part of my life. My ex in the note talked of getting a new start on her life. I don't see my life that way, I am not starting over as I haven't stopped anything. This was just an experience, but is not the end of the world. I don't have to "start over", I just will continue to evolve... something I put on hold during my years with her. All this advice, NC, work out, find hobbies, hang out with friends, focus on you.... honestly, it really works! And if it doesn't they are still pretty darn good things to do! You are free!
replicator Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Good on you V33. Your story is definitely inspiring. I am far from where you are, but I hope I'll be there too someday. A place where I don't feel angry, guilty, and just plain pining for my ex.
kizik Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 I know how you feel. That is GREAT that you seem to be getting over it. I had a pretty good day, and my ex's torment is becoming clearer to me all the time. I daresay I am slowly healing. I hesitate to proclaim my progress because things are so up and down for me. Sure, I had a good day today, but tomorrow might be depressing. I am glad that I have not called. texted or sent my ex anything. I think I have been handling this better than I could have possibly imagined. I hope this feeling lasts for you, V33. How long has it been since the breakup, so I can have something to look forward to?
Author v33 Posted May 30, 2008 Author Posted May 30, 2008 Hey Kizik, well it's kind of hard to say.... we had a falling out end of October last year, but continued to live together though we started to become very distant and spent almost no time together. I was getting tired of her antics then but still loved her very much. I suppose from my perspective though we really split on April 1st, when she gave her notice to move out and I found out about her cheating and her new BF, so about 2 months. I had been kidding myself since last fall that I still had a GF. FYI we were together for over 4 years and lived together for almost 3. This didn't catch me totally off guard but the revelations of the cheating that really made it final did shock and upset me greatly. The fact that she spent about 2 weeks here and that we stayed in contact over the first month of the split really delayed the healing, plus I was trying to get her back and we slept together a couple times. The big thing that helped was just staying away from her and not talking anymore. I too wonder if I am really almost healed... I am way better for sure, but I know seeing her could trigger memories. I am just being realistic about the state of the relationship over the last year and trying not to let myself be fooled by memories of the early days. But I had a dream about us last night, and when I woke up it was just a dream. I didn't feel the temptation to call her or anything. I am lucky to realize that she is a very messed up person that would reduce the quality of my life if she were in it, but that took me a long time to get. She has really shown her true colours over the last few weeks too and that helped to drive the point home that I am better without her. Do I still think about her? Sure I do. But it isn't an all day affair anymore. I don't walk around asking outloud "Why?!" and crying that I miss her. I try to think about previous exes just to help me see how things do just turn into vague memories and thoughts. I know I will feel that about her some day, unless in a few months we are able to have a casual friendship. I'd like to have a coffee with her down the road and not feel any regret, but it's just a pipe dream. I know she has little to offer me, and me to her anymore. The thing that helped me the most was to look at the hard facts that she is no longer the girl I loved. She is a stranger now and we can't ever go back. Taking her off of the pedestal is important. She was horrible to me and I need to remember that. Even if she wasn't, she is gone, and with someone else. That's it. She owes me nothing. We weren't friends, we were dysfunctional lovers. The love is gone. Just being realistic I think is the key. I hope you wake up one day soon and your thoughts of her just stay thoughts instead of becoming feelings.
foxh1234 Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Hey Kizik, well it's kind of hard to say.... we had a falling out end of October last year, but continued to live together though we started to become very distant and spent almost no time together. I was getting tired of her antics then but still loved her very much. I suppose from my perspective though we really split on April 1st, when she gave her notice to move out and I found out about her cheating and her new BF, so about 2 months. I had been kidding myself since last fall that I still had a GF. FYI we were together for over 4 years and lived together for almost 3. This didn't catch me totally off guard but the revelations of the cheating that really made it final did shock and upset me greatly. The fact that she spent about 2 weeks here and that we stayed in contact over the first month of the split really delayed the healing, plus I was trying to get her back and we slept together a couple times. The big thing that helped was just staying away from her and not talking anymore. I too wonder if I am really almost healed... I am way better for sure, but I know seeing her could trigger memories. I am just being realistic about the state of the relationship over the last year and trying not to let myself be fooled by memories of the early days. But I had a dream about us last night, and when I woke up it was just a dream. I didn't feel the temptation to call her or anything. I am lucky to realize that she is a very messed up person that would reduce the quality of my life if she were in it, but that took me a long time to get. She has really shown her true colours over the last few weeks too and that helped to drive the point home that I am better without her. Do I still think about her? Sure I do. But it isn't an all day affair anymore. I don't walk around asking outloud "Why?!" and crying that I miss her. I try to think about previous exes just to help me see how things do just turn into vague memories and thoughts. I know I will feel that about her some day, unless in a few months we are able to have a casual friendship. I'd like to have a coffee with her down the road and not feel any regret, but it's just a pipe dream. I know she has little to offer me, and me to her anymore. The thing that helped me the most was to look at the hard facts that she is no longer the girl I loved. She is a stranger now and we can't ever go back. Taking her off of the pedestal is important. She was horrible to me and I need to remember that. Even if she wasn't, she is gone, and with someone else. That's it. She owes me nothing. We weren't friends, we were dysfunctional lovers. The love is gone. Just being realistic I think is the key. I hope you wake up one day soon and your thoughts of her just stay thoughts instead of becoming feelings. I agree that when we look at the hard facts as you say,our ex's are not the same people we loved. When my ex cheated and moved on, she forever changed in my eyes and is not the person I want anymore. The love is gone and all we will ever have are memories.
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