northstar1 Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Hi there - hoping someone can give some helpful advice To make a long story short - (okay, shorter) I was in a relationship for a girl for 9 months, when she accepted a volunteer job oversees for 6 months (but up to a year possibly). Now I should preface that she had been considering this from the beginning of our relationship, so I went into it eyes wide open. Things were just great. When she left (two months ago), we decided to stay in touch, but that a long distance relationship would be difficult given the distance and difficulty of communication. Neither one of us was planning to seek out others, and we thought we'd just see how things went when she got back. So, it was a sad, if peaceful goodbye. Since she left, we've been in nearly daily contact - textings, occassional calls and emails. Things have sort of carried on the way they were in terms of keeping in touch and our feelings. Probably a mistake, but it just became natural. Things pointed towards her returning after the 6 months - so it seemed an okay idea to still stay in touch until then. Now, it appears that she is considering going back there for the full year, instead of the 6 months. I can't blame her, since she is really enjoying it and it's good opportunity. So, I guess I am wondering whether, if she is going to be there a full year, if there is any point of staying in touch, or at the very least cutting back on contact. I just can't see it doing much good for myself and my own priorities and life if we are still chatting so much while she is pursuing her own dreams for now. Any ideas? Would NC really be a good plan? Thanks so much.
kizik Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Hey bud, as promised, I got off school, came home and read your story. I want to give you my advice b/c I truly think I know what I'm talking about. You can take it or leave it, but if you take it, you'll be sparing yourself a lot of heartache. I have an ex ex who joined AmeriCorps when we were dating. I knew she was going to do it, supported her decision. Well, I emailed her every day and she responded for a while. Before I knew it, I was getting no response. No return phone calls. Done. She came back after a four-month term and promptly broke up with me. Fast forward five years. I'm with someone else, who is actually my ex before my ex ex. (Ha!) Anyway, she desperately needed a job, and decided to take one 200 miles away. I supported this decision. After all, what could I do? Say, "Honey, you have to stay here for ME"? So she moved. We did long distance. I saw her a day or two each month. It was long. It was hard. I missed her incredibly. She started treating me differently, like she didn't have time. Became agitated with me over NOTHING. Convinced me I was crazy, I was an a*shole. She got a job back home. Yay! We could be together again. We counted the days. Watched the clock. Everything was going to be great. A month and a half before she is supposed to come home, we have ANOTHER fight. It's about nothing, of course. It's about what a PRICK I am, how I can't do anything right. This from the girl that used to compliment me, call me sexy, admire everything about me. We met the day after this conversation. Broke up. It's been 3 and half weeks. I haven't talked to her in 9 days. Here is my point: I wish we broke up before she took that job and moved away. I COULD HAVE BEEN HEALED BY NOW. Instead, I wasted the last 9 months of my life trying to hang onto someone who didn't want me anymore. If she never took that job, would we still be together? I don't know, but the chances are far greater that we would. She made the choice to leave me. She knew she was endangering our love. She left anyway. I couldn't tell her not to go; that wouldn't have been "supportive." When people want to leave, you can't do or say anything. All you can do is realize that you are not their top priority. The point of all this is that I will NEVER do long-distance again. All those times I wanted to hug, cuddle, kiss and f*ck my girlfriend (both of them, the ex ex and the ex) she was gone. A phone call is no substitution. It kills your heart. It makes you sad. It keeps you from moving on. So, North, do what you feel is right. All I can say is that if you choose to hang onto her, you're going to hurt. I'm sorry this is happening. But at least you have the advice of someone as AWESOME as me.
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