Karyyk Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 I know you've all probably experienced this. When dealing with all the emotions of a breakup, there are good days and bad days. Some days I think I'm starting to feel better about things, I'll have a little hope, I might even start thinking about possibilities. I might even string a few of those together. Then it almost seems like the bottom falls out, and I feel almost as bad as I ever have. I start remembering things and dwelling on them, my heart hurts...and there doesn't seem like there's very much I can do about it. This has a tendency to last a lot longer than the string of good days. I'm in the middle of it now, and nothing I do seems to be able to pull me out of it at all. I had a dream the other night, and I think that's what got me into this present state. I dreamed that everyone I had ever cared for (everyone from my first love to my most recent ex) was there, basically tell me that I never mattered to them, that I was worthless, that they never loved me. It wasn't fun. Since then I've just been very...out of it. I try not to think about it, but I don't dream often (or at least remember them), so when I do it always seems particularly vivid and real. I'm really getting tired of feeling like this.
Kamille Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 I'm having a mildly bad day today myself. Again, because I dreamt about him. Karyyk, your dream was a complete nightmare - no wonder you feel down. But of course you mattered to those people. I think the challenge you face is one of accepting it's over while giving the relationship back the value it had for you. When something ends, we go into a turmoil of emotions, anger, torturous sadness, etc. I don't know about you but I reacted by saying: yeah? Well if you don't value what we had enough, neither will I. Except that I'm now realizing that my ex did value me, but that our relationship was becoming too complicated. And lately I've been missing him because I am starting to remember the good sides of our time together. In other words, my challenge now is loving what we had as a thing of the past - and as something that should stay in the past.
tealeafbud Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Karyk, what a horrible dream. I think you're probably falling asleep thinking of these things which is how it carries over. I'm not a dream expert, but I've found myself dreaming of what I fell asleep to. I've remedied this by listening to music as I fall asleep. My mp3 player shuts off after 30 minutes and that's just enough time for me to snooze. but I hear you on the good and bad days. I've had some bad days recently, but they're starting to turn up. take care of you.
Nevermind Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Karyyk: what a horrible dream! But it was just this, a horrible dream. Do you have contact to any of your exes? There are many people who care about you, and no matter how hard it feels for you now and how little you believe it: there will be new people who will care for you very much. Don't give up. P.S. I like the new picture.
Author Karyyk Posted June 4, 2008 Author Posted June 4, 2008 Karyyk: what a horrible dream! But it was just this, a horrible dream. Do you have contact to any of your exes? There are many people who care about you, and no matter how hard it feels for you now and how little you believe it: there will be new people who will care for you very much. Don't give up. P.S. I like the new picture. Today has been a long, rough day, the worst in a while. Not being able to sleep last night probably played a role in that I'm sure... To answer you question, I'm still good friends with one of them, and she called the other day basically just to tell me how much she values my friendship. We've been there for each other over the years and there's nothing I would do to jeopardize that friendship. The ex-LDR now wants to talk occasionally (as friends), but I'm still bitter about spending 6 years of my life sacrificing myself to someone who willingly took everything I would give, but was not willing to commit or even really be affectionate or loving towards the end. Some additional back-story is that we had seen each other, she broke up with me due to her life being a mess, but somehow we got back together about 14 months later. I didn't date anyone else in that time, so basically she's had some influence on my life for about 8 years. There's a part of me that would like to talk to her, because you don't have a person in your life for that long and not feel like a part of you is missing without them, at least for a while. In this case, a long while. That last situation is more complicated and right now we're in the middle of a strict NC. I'd love to hear from her, more than anything, but for right now it's for the best, or at least I hope it is. I miss her more than anything, but there's nothing I can do about that. Those were the three in the dream. I have a hard time letting go of anyone. In fact, I'm not sure I ever have. Considering the girl who gave me my first kiss is now one of my best friends (and it's totally platonic...she's married), yeah, I guess I'm one of those people who never stop loving completely. In time I accept the reality of the situation, but totally letting go seems almost impossible to me. The thing is that I don't really want new people in my life right now. I don't want them to come to know me like I am right now, because this really isn't me. There are so many things bombarding me, even outside of my chaotic personal life, that I just feel like I'm being constantly knocked-down. I keep getting back up, but I can't get back to my feel completely. I really don't want to meet anyone right now, especially not a woman, because frankly, I know I have a lot of healing that needs to happen, I still have feelings for people (not fair to her), and the fact is that I couldn't possibly be the kind of man anyone would need until some of these issues are resolved. I'm trying to keep fighting, to not give up, but I'm hurting, tired and weary, and I feel like I'm on my last legs. Life is endlessly complicated, and while I can't deny that a lot of that is my fault, I also can't deny the roles others have played.
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