kizik Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 that lets her know that I think we made the right decision in breaking up, and that I'll always care about her. But I am definitely angry at the way she treated me, didn't respect me, verbally abused me for the better part of a year. The point in emailing her would be to let her know I'm thinking of her. It's "my turn" to contact her. It's been 9 DAYS and it hurts so bad. The problem is that I don't want to make her feel so righteous and powerful. Don't want to get hurt worse. Had to check with LSers before doing anything rash... tell me to stay strong, tell me it's not a bad idea. Please tell me.
Zapbasket Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 It IS a bad idea. Don't do it. DON'T DO IT. Trust me, it's wounded ego driving you to do this. She doesn't need to hear that you'll always care about her. First of all, right now that's not even honest. You're pissed. You need to focus on how pissed you are, how badly she treated you, how you are now free to bring more positive relationships into your life. The only dignified speech in the aftermath of a breakup is silence. It seems like the opposite is true when you're in the throes of loss and rejection, I know. But the truth is, they severed contact and should be forced to deal with the consequences. Your significance as a person does NOT hinge on an ex's opinion of you. Be strong. In a year's time you'll be very glad for any forbearance you can muster.
CaliGuy Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 that lets her know that I think we made the right decision in breaking up, and that I'll always care about her. But I am definitely angry at the way she treated me, didn't respect me, verbally abused me for the better part of a year. The point in emailing her would be to let her know I'm thinking of her. It's "my turn" to contact her. It's been 9 DAYS and it hurts so bad. The problem is that I don't want to make her feel so righteous and powerful. Don't want to get hurt worse. Had to check with LSers before doing anything rash... tell me to stay strong, tell me it's not a bad idea. Please tell me. If you want to validate her decision then by all means go for it. It's not going to help you at all but it will most certainly boost her self esteem. If you are angry, that's good. Just don't let her see it. As I have said many times before, the best revenege is a life well lived. If she sees (one day) that you are happy and care free without her in your life, then that is all the revenge you need. The hurt can and will get worse if you contact her. Because no matter what you think now, you will expect some kind of response or reaction from her and odds are, she will remain silent. Which is exactly what you should be doing...
Nevermind Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Is it a good idea? It depends. What do you want from this e-mail? You need to define what you're hoping to get out of it to know if it's good or bad. It will definately be a risk. If she reacts the way you want her, and you can agree that the break-up was a wise decision then it might help you to recover sooner. If she reacts different, it will set you back. Only you know. I would not write that you care about her. It's too much, too early. You can express this different ways.
Author kizik Posted May 29, 2008 Author Posted May 29, 2008 But the truth is, they severed contact and should be forced to deal with the consequences. What if it was a mutual breakup, one in which we BOTH have been severing contact since? Mutual in the sense that we were both fed up with fighting. But the reality is that we broke up because SHE didn't love me anymore. She didn't say she didn't love me, and she didn't have to. It was plain as day by her actions and cruel words. ALSO- I am a big fan of No First Contact. I've taken a call from her, and played it cool. Got off the phone without saying even so much as "I miss you." Do you advocate me ignoring her if she calls? Green and Cali, thanks a TON for your prompt, insightful replies. Saved me from anguish. Ps. Thanks to NM as well!
Zapbasket Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 What if it was a mutual breakup, one in which we BOTH have been severing contact since? Mutual in the sense that we were both fed up with fighting. But the reality is that we broke up because SHE didn't love me anymore. She didn't say she didn't love me, and she didn't have to. It was plain as day by her actions and cruel words. ALSO- I am a big fan of No First Contact. I've taken a call from her, and played it cool. Got off the phone without saying even so much as "I miss you." Do you advocate me ignoring her if she calls? I just skimmed your original thread. I can just imagine how painful this must be for you given how much history you two have. Regarding whether to stay in contact, your lives are so interwoven from such an early age that that might not be desirable in your case. Only you and your ex know what's right for you as you go forward from here. But as a far-removed outside observer, I'd suggest that if she's treating you cruelly you should 'disappear' for a while, for your own sake. You don't have to ignore her calls; why not tell her you think it's best that you two not have contact for a while, until you both can be a bit more circumspect? In this way you're protecting yourself (this should be your #1 priority) while also respecting the history you two share. If she greets your request for NC with more cruelty, simply stand firm. And stay SILENT. Another reason I suggest a period of NC is that it *may* be you're repeatedly drawn into a relationship with each other for maladaptive reasons--e.g., because it's familiar and therefore "safe," etc. Having an indeterminate time apart might enable you to see her more clearly, as well as the various 'phases' of your relationship over the past 10+ years. Most importantly, it gives you time to think about what you want and who you want to be. If you two are indeed well suited to one another, then a period of individual growth that NC would enable would best position you to enter into a healthy, mature relationship with each other down the road--whether friendship or romance.
Author kizik Posted May 29, 2008 Author Posted May 29, 2008 Green, the attention you've given to my situation, including going back and reading my first post, is something I am incredibly grateful for. I think it was Blanche DuBois who said, "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers." Well, I never have- until now. And they're not disappointing. You know, I went to a therapist today, and she had no advice that remotely approached what you've given me here in regards to quality. Then again, therapists just SIT THERE AND NOD, but what I'm saying is... thanks. You are right, with time and NC, I'll be able to put together the pieces of this long, drawn-out puzzle. You are also right that we got together because it was familiar and safe. This is something I actually mentioned to her, which of course angered her to some degree. This is a woman who is terrified of, and defensive of, the truth. So it won't surprise me if she gets mad when (if) I ask for NC. She takes everything personally and I have been the brunt of her emotional problems for a looong time. Thanks, Green, for the advice.
foxh1234 Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Hi Kiz, I have been where you are, thinking about a final email and wanting to say certain things. Do not do it man, stay strong. Silence is the way at least for now. You and I need to heal and the only way is not communicating with them. The less we know the better at this point. Down the road when the feelings subside a bit, re-think contact then. Stay strong man and keep the power.
roghornio Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Don’t do it. Silence should be the breakup warriors weapon of choice! Silence will lead to the mind making all sorts up to fill in the blanks ( as you know waiting 9 days ) use it to your advantage !
SadHeart79 Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Don't do it. Trust me, when you are hoping for a reply and it doesn't come, it just makes you feel horrible all over again. It makes you feel weak and angry at yourself for prolonging the pain. That's what I've found anyway.
miss_28 Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 What if it was a mutual breakup, one in which we BOTH have been severing contact since? Mutual in the sense that we were both fed up with fighting. But the reality is that we broke up because SHE didn't love me anymore. kizik, i hate to say this, but it doesn't seem 100% mutual... if it were, then you wouldn't be wondering whether or not to send her an email... please don't do it... it won't do anything for you in the long run and just confirm in her head that she was right. tell yourself this "no unnecessary pain from now on"... sending her an email will give you unnecessary, self-inflicted pain... be strong, NC, just focus on you, who cares what she thinks
miss_28 Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 ... one more thing... don't ask for NC, just do it (NC that is ). you don't owe her anything at this point...
tealeafbud Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 dude, don't do it. Don't go by "turns" to contact each other. NC does not work that way, even though it may seem logical. There really is no point in sending her that email. I believe that once you send it, you'll regret it. Just try and move on at this point, and you'll be satisfied. good luck and take care of you. I'm glad that all the LS community agrees that you shouldn't contact her.
serendip Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 The point in emailing her would be to let her know I'm thinking of her. It's "my turn" to contact her. It's been 9 DAYS and it hurts so bad. So you want to send her a email to tell her that you don't want contact. Does that not sound weird to you? I can understand if she contacted you and you responded by asking her to not contact you anymore...but to send a email to ask for no contact when she hasn't contacted you seems...well you know. I think it's more like you want a reaction out of her...you want her to feel sad and want to continue contact. It's a ploy dude...we all been there.
CaliGuy Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 So you want to send her a email to tell her that you don't want contact. Does that not sound weird to you? It does to me. If you want NC with someone, the easiest way to make that clear is to NOT make contact with them in any way/shape/form, EVEN to tell them you don't want contact. Indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. You show indifference by simply IGNORING them....
LikeCharlotte Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 The only reason you would have to tell her that you want NC is if she made contact. If it happens tell her. If you need the piece of mind that she will not then I'd say send something. Who knows how you will feel later on. My mother used to tell me whenever we were in a crowd "If you get lost just stop and stay where you are, don't do anything, don't talk to anyone." I remember that when I get really lost.
ioncebelieved Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 I am in the same boat as you and many others and I agree with them. DO NOT DO IT!!! It will only prolong your pain! Hard to do I know. Why does it matter if she knows what you are feeling? If it really mattered things would be just fine. Recovery is tough, but indeed necessary!!!!
Author kizik Posted May 29, 2008 Author Posted May 29, 2008 Thank you EVERYONE for saving me from myself. Your advice is sage and wise. I have avoided waiting, wondering, hurting. LSers rule!
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