Im a newby

[astra77]

Hi everyone

I am a newby to this - I have told no1 of my A, but after reading posts on this and many other sites, I feel I have to get it off my chest.

 

I am 31, m, no kids, my exMM is 38, 2 kids, 2 & 4y.o. He was my boss and it lasted 6 months - I no longer work at the same company he does.

 

I have come to the realisation that the A was wrong and I have broken it off, but I am at the stage now where I can not process all the crap thats been happening. I'd like to believe he wasn't having his cake and eating it too, but I know thats not the case, he approched me to start the affair - of course with my acceptance of his proposal - I accept half of the blame.

 

He did say from the start that he would not leave w b/c of kids - wont be able to handle not seeing them every day etc etc. He told me he loved me 1st - initially I did not feel the same, but as I fell in love, and the friendship grew and each sexual encounter become more passionate, he started paying less and less attention to me, but the A continued and he would always say I love you, miss you etc. I had a "wake up call" and realised the A could not continue. I get the sense he m for the wrong reasons, but loves his kids to bits.

 

My question is - do MM REALLY fall in love with the OW - I read portents thread and balled my eyes out as it sounded like my MM. Is it possible to for a MM to REALLY fall in love with the OW and be torn btwn her and The kids. I am so confused right now

 

If you need more info please let me know

[whichwayisup]

How many years have you been married? What is missing in your marriage, inside of you that allowed you to fall for another man? Do you plan on fixing your marriage, telling your husband about your affair? Or does he know already?

 

Each MM is different, so that question is impossible to answer. Some MM do fall inlove with their OW, some don't. Some get addicted to the ego rush and drama, intensity of the affair, to be desired and wanted by someone else.

 

initially I did not feel the same, but as I fell in love, and the friendship grew and each sexual encounter become more passionate, he started paying less and less attention to me, but the A continued and he would always say I love you, miss you etc.

From what you've said, I think your MM had feelings for you, but knew it wasn't going to go anywhere (him leaving his wife and kids for you) so he backed off and acted distant, but then when you backed off of him, he came looking for you - THAT is an ego feed. I'm sure he cared for you, but he wasn't deeply inlove or anything.

 

You did the right thing by ending it. Best thing to do is get counselling to help you cope with the loss and pain of ending your affair, and when you're ready head to marriage counselling with your husband and try fix things at home.

[astra77]

I've been with H for 12 yrs and M 4 yrs, I guess i'm still not sure what is missing from M - had been thinking for about 12 mths b4 I met MM that I didn't want 2 be married - I almost called off wedding to H but felt guilty about hurting him, family etc as he is a great guy - but more my friend than lover / life partner. I think i fell out of love with H - dont know

 

My break up with MM is still very raw - only 1 month, so I am not sure if I want to work on M. Just VERY confused as to how A happened and why if 2 people are in love (me & MM) they cant be together. His wife doesnt treat him very well and he hates it, but I am conflicted as to his motives behind asking me to start A. I have never done this before and I guess I am hating myself right now, but how do you stop yourself from falling in love with someone else?? I know that neither myself of MM (exMM??) deliberately set out to have A - we have discussed it - but found ourselves in a situation that obviously wasnt handled very well on either our parts. I guess I'd like to think that he is not the dirty love rat I think he is, that we made a mistake, that it meant something more to him than just cake eating, but I dont know how to move on

[astra77]

Oh and I forgot to answer your other question about telling H about A

- H doesnt know, but I know he suspects A and who it was with, his not stupid.

 

At this stage I dont plan to tell H - I feel bad enough as it is I dont want to hurt my H by telling him at this stage as I am in two minds about staying in the M. Dont want to make any rash decisions right now, although I do owe it to H to be honest as I have not been honest with him or myself for a very long time.

[White Flower]

 

My question is - do MM REALLY fall in love with the OW - I read portents thread and balled my eyes out as it sounded like my MM. Is it possible to for a MM to REALLY fall in love with the OW and be torn btwn her and The kids. I am so confused right now

 

If you need more info please let me know

I'm afraid to answer your question because I don't want you going back to him. But yes, I do believe many MM fall in love with the OW.

 

Just remember they are not all the same just like all OWs are not the same. His story is different than all the rest you'll read here.

[OWoman]

Welcome, Astra

 

as I fell in love, and the friendship grew and each sexual encounter become more passionate, he started paying less and less attention to me, but the A continued and he would always say I love you, miss you etc

 

Some MMs do fall in love with their OW, and some even leave their Ms to be with their OWs. Whether your MM was one who fell in love, or one how was just getting his rocks off - well, you're best placed to make that call.

 

But it seems from what you describe above, that your MM wasn't prepared for the A to progress into "love", really - that he realised (rightly!) that falling in love with you and you with him would make his M unsustainable, and he'd said up front that he didn't want to lose out on 100% parenting of his kids... so he started to disengage.

 

Of course, there's another more cynical reading that said that once he'd "won" you - your heart as well as your body - the chase was over and he lost interest, but the behaviour you describe (his falling in love with you - and saying so - before you reciprocated, etc) suggests that he was taking risks rather than acting calculatedly.

 

So - how will knowing vs suspecting that he fell in love with you change what you do next? Would you find it easier, or more difficult, to get closure as a result of knowing he loved you?

[astra77]

I am not sure what I am seeking actually - feel stuck in limbo !!

 

I think he did love me, but he is also a conflict avoider - he told me often that if he didnt have kids it would be easier to leave, and we would often say to each other - why didn't we meet before we met our current spouses.

 

I guess I stuggle with the fact that even though it was wrong and I would never resume A (i hope) I love him to pieces. Co workers often would comment that we had chemistry and strangers assumed we were married. I am looking for closure - i think - but validation that the A meant something, even though it was wrong, make sense??? I think im going crazy:bunny::bunny:

[Owl]

Some MM do fall in love with their OW, and some simply have an itch they want scratched.

 

I couldn't tell you how to know for sure which one he was.

 

I'd also ask...since the affair is over...does it matter?

 

The more time and energy you spend dwelling on anything to do with him, the longer its going to take for you to recover personally. And if there is any possibility for your M to recover, you can extend that as well.

 

I know that you mentioned that your H suspects, but you're not willing to tell him at this point. Your also not sure if you want to work on your marriage or not.

 

Do you think its fair to leave your H in this "limbo"?

 

Personally, I'd recommend that you tell your H the truth...and use what happens from there as a catalyst for change in your life. It'll either be a catalyst to change your marriage situation and spark some tremendous improvements (as happened in my case), or it can be a catalyst for the marriage to end, and for you to move on as your own person. Neither of these options is "wrong".

 

But leaving your H guessing as to what went on in his own marriage... And remember, its not that he'll be hurt by the action of you telling him about the affair. He won't be hurt and angry because you told him...it was the affair itself that created that hurt and pain. Its a direct consequence of your choice to 'be' with your boss. That's already happened. Telling him at this point is just being honest about what's happened, and giving him all the information he needs to make HIS choices about the outcome of this marriage. Not telling him...is not only dishonest, but it robs him of his choice to do something about the situation (i.e...fix the marriage, or get a divorce).

 

This isn't an attack...I'm suggesting this as information for you to consider. Good luck to you, and I hope that you find the strength to make the right decisions.

[OWoman]

Personally, I'd recommend that you tell your H the truth...and use what happens from there as a catalyst for change in your life. It'll either be a catalyst to change your marriage situation and spark some tremendous improvements (as happened in my case), or it can be a catalyst for the marriage to end, and for you to move on as your own person.

 

This doesn't happen too often but I agree with Owl.

 

If you want to stay with your H, and fix your M, you'll find it a lot easier to do if you are able to respect your H as an equal. Keeping him in the dark keeps him in a disempowered position relative to yourself, so you can never truly be equals, and any intimacy you manage to forge in the future would be grounded on that shaky foundation. If you want to strengthen and keep your M, I'd recommend telling your H. "I had an inappropriate R with someone else and it made me realise how much I love and value you, how disconnected I've become from you and how much I want to work on restoring the M to one we both value and treasure."

 

If you want to leave your H, telling him about the A can make it easier. It allows him the "out" of believing you fell for another guy, so it's not just a flat-out rejection of him, and it helps convey a sense of disengagement, that you've moved on and replaced him in your affections, and allows him to do the same. "Honey, I reckon it's game over. My heart got tired sitting by itself in the stands and went over and found someone else to sit with. I can't go back to being lonely again and think it's time to move on."

 

If you're wanting to tread water, to stick it out in a M you've already checked out of, then perhaps do nothing. Let the doubt and interest fester in your mind, drawing your energy and your engagement and diluting your investment in your M to the point where change happens to you, not because of you. That way you can avoid making the choice, being the bad guy and dealing with the responsibility for the consequences... but either way, the consequences will be with you.

 

As Owl said, telling your H also restores his agency in this, makes him a player rather than a prop. But importantly, it will restore your own faith in yourself as a human being, with your own sense of agency, rather than this limbo you're feeling yourself stuck in.

 

Good luck! It's not an easy choice, but it's an important choice to MAKE, rather than to fall into from inaction.

[taylor]

I am looking for closure - i think - but validation that the A meant something, even though it was wrong, make sense??? I think im going crazy:bunny::bunny:

 

Astra77, you are not going crazy. You gave this man your heart and you became intimate with him. This makes you feel very vulnerable at the moment.

In addition, you know, regardless of whether you tell your husband about the affair, that it WILL affect your marriage and your relationship with your husband. Your marriage is forever changed by your choice to have the affair.

Of course you want validation. Of course you want to know the affair MEANT something to the MM.

It's like this: "If I am going to go through all this pain, anguish, confusion, and guilt, knowing I compromised my own integrity and my marriage, I at least want to know it was for something that was REAL, something that MEANT SOMETHING."

Rather than : "I am going to go through all this pain, anguish, confusion and guilt, knowing I compromised my own integrity and my marriage, for what...NOTHING."

You are beginning to "pay the price" of having an affair. You want to know you at least got something for "your money." You want to feel, perhaps, like it was worth the "sacrifices" you made.

Otherwise, it all seems senseless and foolish..it makes you feel used...like he got what he wanted at your expense. And that is a hard pill to swallow.

 

You may never get the closure you want, especially if MM is a conflict avoider. You are only one month removed from the affair. I say give it another month or two and you will find your own closure. By then, you will be able to think more clearly, without intense emotions clouding the picture, and you will get a better perspective of what the affair really was and what it wasn't. This is a process. As intense emotions subside, the brain takes over and slowly puts all the pieces of the puzzle back together. Then you can see reality.

 

Several posters on this forum said I "rewrote" the history of my affair and "rewrote" the relationship with my OM several times over the course of a couple months in the aftermath of the affair. It's true, because, at first, you let emotions decide what the picture looks like. Usually it's how YOU WANT IT TO LOOK. Then as time goes on, and you can think more clearly, you start to see the picture as it really is/was. And sometimes it's hard to admit and accept the facts as they really are. But you will need to in order to move on.

 

Limbo is not a "feel good" state to be in, but it is normal, and it will pass with time. You will start to see the path you need to take in front of you, but you aren't going to see it yet. You are still processing what is behind you (the affair), so it's hard to look ahead.

 

Take time to sort things out, grieve the loss of the affair and pamper yourself a little. Make decisions slowly, using your head, rather than acting on pure emotion. That way you will know the decisions you make are rational, logical and well thought-out. You won't regret down the road that you made them too hastily or without thought.

 

Many on this forum will probably tell you it is important to tell your H of the affair. I agree. It's important he knows where the marriage stands. He deserves to know because he is the other half of the partnership. He already suspects. It probably won't come as much of a surprise to him.

You will know when the right time to do this is..as you continue to process the affair. If he asks, be honest with him. You owe him that.

 

Once the affair is out in the open, you and your husband can start the hard, but necessary, work of communicating openly and honestly about your marriage. You say now that you do not know if you want to work on your marriage. Part of that reason is because your heart is filled with the MM and you are torn. Part of the reason is because you probably have some troubles in your marriage and you aren't sure if they can be resolved or if you even want to face them head-on. These are all tough decisions you and your husband will have to face in the coming months.

 

I wish you luck..from someone who knows what you are going through. I am 3 months out of my affair.

[whichwayisup]

I've been with H for 12 yrs and M 4 yrs, I guess i'm still not sure what is missing from M - had been thinking for about 12 mths b4 I met MM that I didn't want 2 be married - I almost called off wedding to H but felt guilty about hurting him, family etc as he is a great guy - but more my friend than lover / life partner. I think i fell out of love with H - dont know

 

Did you tell your husband about this? How unhappy you are? Chances are, he's feeling the same way. Either way you two have to talk and sort this out, either go to marriage counselling and try to recapture what it was that brought you two together or end it. Or maybe this is the chance to get out with the help of counselling so it won't be as hard to leave. You can't stay in a marriage out of guilt and fear of hurting your husband. As it is, you have hurt him (though he doesn't know yet) in the worst way by cheating on him..

 

My break up with MM is still very raw - only 1 month, so I am not sure if I want to work on M. Just VERY confused as to how A happened and why if 2 people are in love (me & MM) they cant be together. His wife doesnt treat him very well and he hates it, but I am conflicted as to his motives behind asking me to start A.

 

Because he made a committment and he intends to live up to it for the kids sake.

 

You also don't really know what happens behind closed doors, so him saying his wife treats him like sh.it, well, he must enable it because he is still married to her, why hasn't he stood up to her and TOLD her to stop treating him badly? See, this is the thing I don't understand, if he is that miserable in his marriage, same goes for you - Speak up and do something about it. TOO many people reach out to someone else and that does not fix the problem, it only makes it worse because now there's another person in the mix of things, making the original problem alot harder...Let alone now you have to deal with lies and betrayals, and remember which lies you've told for whatever reason it was you had to leave the house that night...etc..

 

I have never done this before and I guess I am hating myself right now, but how do you stop yourself from falling in love with someone else?? I know that neither myself of MM (exMM??) deliberately set out to have A - we have discussed it - but found ourselves in a situation that obviously wasnt handled very well on either our parts. I guess I'd like to think that he is not the dirty love rat I think he is, that we made a mistake, that it meant something more to him than just cake eating, but I dont know how to move on

 

Seek counselling to help you decide what it is you want to do.

 

Is 12 years of being in your husbands life worth saving? Or would you be better off alone. Forget MM right now because if you leave your marriage, it should be because you want out - Not because you hope MM will leave his wife and be with you.

 

Oh and I forgot to answer your other question about telling H about A

- H doesnt know, but I know he suspects A and who it was with, his not stupid.

 

At this stage I dont plan to tell H - I feel bad enough as it is I dont want to hurt my H by telling him at this stage as I am in two minds about staying in the M. Dont want to make any rash decisions right now, although I do owe it to H to be honest as I have not been honest with him or myself for a very long time.

 

I'm sure if you told him he would not be surprised. He may know already but is waiting to see if you're going to confess. So either way, he is going to hurt alot. He's hurting now if he suspects you.

 

Definately make no quick decision, you're too emotional. Yup, you owe him the honesty, even if it is hard to do and he ends up hurt. You're also hurting yourself, destroying who you are by the cheating and lying, so it's time to come clean.

 

I am not sure what I am seeking actually - feel stuck in limbo !!

 

I think he did love me, but he is also a conflict avoider - he told me often that if he didnt have kids it would be easier to leave, and we would often say to each other - why didn't we meet before we met our current spouses.

 

I guess I stuggle with the fact that even though it was wrong and I would never resume A (i hope) I love him to pieces. Co workers often would comment that we had chemistry and strangers assumed we were married. I am looking for closure - i think - but validation that the A meant something, even though it was wrong, make sense??? I think im going crazy:bunny::bunny:

 

ALL of this is based on good and fun feelings, selfish feelings, not day to day real life. That is what the A is, an escape from reality, escape from the marriage and boring routine. You and the MM found something together and it made your own personal lives better in one sense, but it is selfish and cruel to live that way behind your spouses back.

 

Get some counselling, grieve the loss and hopefully soon you'll figure out what you want to do.

 

STAY in no contact mode with the MM. You two cannot be friends or keep intouch.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I am not sure what I am seeking actually - feel stuck in limbo !!

 

I think he did love me, but he is also a conflict avoider - he told me often that if he didnt have kids it would be easier to leave, and we would often say to each other - why didn't we meet before we met our current spouses.

 

If you had met... chances are you would still be dumped and crying. If he really loved you... he would have moved heaven and earth to make it work. That's how we guys are. Plus he was your boss... taking advantage of that position of power should show you a bit of his character. Doesn't it seem a tad naive to think otherwise at this point?

 

You need to get yourself out of that limbo. Your wasting your life away!

 

If your husband is such a great guy... why can't you love him? If he really is... and you just can't... don't you think he deserves someone who can?

 

So... why are you still with your Husband? Are you afraid to be alone? You have a job... so it doesn't sound like your financially dependent. Why? Why are you still with someone you don't love?

[John Who]

Yes I believe some MM can fall inlove with the OW.it is rare but it can happen.

 

Of course alot of MM toss out the i love you's to the OW like if it's free samples,does'nt mean they mean it.

 

I believe if a MM or MW was in love with the OM/OW then they would be togther kids or no kids,sorry but I think when they pull out the kid card it's just excuses,stalling finding the easy why out.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why do you care so much about what this OM thinks of you when your married yourself?

 

If this affair is over why do you care?

 

I mean do you care if you were no more than just a piece of booty to him? It happens on LS alot. OW just play the role thinking they are their one and only meanwhile these MM be straight scumbags.

 

Then your left with the eternal question why did I place myself out there like that, why I let this guy just use me and toss me like garbage, why'd I treat myself like nothing.

 

Most affairs are based in a fantasy. Once it collides with reality such as your husband and family life then you have to rationalize the two.

 

I feel for your husband. Why would his wife treat him like that, why would she not honor her vows? Why would she expose herself to disease?

 

If she was gonna cheat what was the whole point of being married?

[White Flower]

Yes I believe some MM can fall inlove with the OW.it is rare but it can happen.

 

Of course alot of MM toss out the i love you's to the OW like if it's free samples,does'nt mean they mean it.

 

I believe if a MM or MW was in love with the OM/OW then they would be togther kids or no kids,sorry but I think when they pull out the kid card it's just excuses,stalling finding the easy why out.

Yes, I would call this choosing the comfort zone over love. It is easier for the MM to stay. It is harder to divorce, lose part of the income, lose the affection of the kids for a while, lose the regularity and the predictability of day to day life. It's the whole I can't leave the monster I know for the one I don't game. So much fear getting in the way of true love and happiness.

[Owl]

Yes, I would call this choosing the comfort zone over love. It is easier for the MM to stay. It is harder to divorce, lose part of the income, lose the affection of the kids for a while, lose the regularity and the predictability of day to day life. It's the whole I can't leave the monster I know for the one I don't game. So much fear getting in the way of true love and happiness.

 

Actually, reading John Who's post, I understood that what he was trying to say is that the reason why many MM "play the kid card" its because that's their "easy way out" of the affair.

 

Its not choosing the comfort zone over love. Its choosing the marriage over the affair. He's not saying that they're ending the affair and losing out on love...he's saying that 'playing the kid card' is their way of ending the affair and keeping the marriage.

 

I don't believe that every WS is "in love" with their OW/OM. I think a significant number of them are cake-eating...they have (and intend to keep) their marriage (and are normally in love with their spouses), but also have the affair strictly because they CAN. Its a freebie, and its not intended by them to replace the marriage at any point.

 

I think this is also that point that JW was trying to make...WS often keep an "out card" if things go south...in BOTH relationships. And they do so with the primary goal of having the choice of which relationship they want to keep.

 

His love could be his wife...and the OW could be the comfort zone. It seems common either way.

[astra77]

 

Thanks to all for you input - much appreciated. I have a heap of work to do, and yes you are right, I do need to tell H.

 

 

Thanks again

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think telling him can make your marriage stronger, and your a better woman for doing it.

 

he can and will be hurt ad devestted but if he wants to stay in the marriag, you hve to hold up our end 100% do not flake out on him.

 

He could leave you. That's his right as the betrayed spouse.

 

But telling him let's him know where you stand in the marriage, you cannot build and hold your marriage built on lies and deceit.

 

I hope everything works out for the best.

 

Some affairs can be forgiven.

[GreenEyedLady]

:)My question is - do MM REALLY fall in love with the OW - I read portents thread and balled my eyes out as it sounded like my MM. Is it possible to for a MM to REALLY fall in love with the OW and be torn btwn her and The kids. I am so confused right now

 

Yes, they do really fall in love with the OW...I know because mine fell in love with me and left and we're living together as a couple now...

 

It is not only possible but probable that MM fall in love but are torn between the OW and whatever it is keeping him there...

[astra77]

I guess now my question is - do I get counselling and then tell him?? I feel SOOOOOO sick right now. Is it better for me to get counselling and then tell him, maybe with the help of counsellor, or do I just go for it and tell him in the privacy of our home. I guess I'm trying to "soften" the blow - I realise the sh** will hit the fan, but want to do this " the right way"

[whichwayisup]

Talk to your counsellor, alone and when you're ready, then tell him. Right now you aren't ready to, nor strong enough. You need to be ready for the fallout and his reaction so talking to your counsellor will help prepare you for what's coming.

[White Flower]

Actually, reading John Who's post, I understood that what he was trying to say is that the reason why many MM "play the kid card" its because that's their "easy way out" of the affair.

 

Its not choosing the comfort zone over love. Its choosing the marriage over the affair. He's not saying that they're ending the affair and losing out on love...he's saying that 'playing the kid card' is their way of ending the affair and keeping the marriage.

 

I don't believe that every WS is "in love" with their OW/OM. I think a significant number of them are cake-eating...they have (and intend to keep) their marriage (and are normally in love with their spouses), but also have the affair strictly because they CAN. Its a freebie, and its not intended by them to replace the marriage at any point.

 

I think this is also that point that JW was trying to make...WS often keep an "out card" if things go south...in BOTH relationships. And they do so with the primary goal of having the choice of which relationship they want to keep.

 

His love could be his wife...and the OW could be the comfort zone. It seems common either way.

I don't know how I missed this one.

 

Anyway, I am sure in a lot of cases you are right, especially for the typical cake-eater and the OW being the comfort zone.

 

I was talking about MM who really are in love with OW and are choosing the comfortable life-style over the true love. If I got off topic then I am sorry.

 

And sometimes 'choosing the marriage over the affair' is choosing the monster that you know.

 

Disclaimer: sometimes it is not;)

[Untouchable_Fire]

I guess now my question is - do I get counselling and then tell him?? I feel SOOOOOO sick right now. Is it better for me to get counselling and then tell him, maybe with the help of counsellor, or do I just go for it and tell him in the privacy of our home. I guess I'm trying to "soften" the blow - I realise the sh** will hit the fan, but want to do this " the right way"

 

1st... do you believe there is a chance he will get violent? If you do... it's best to do this with a counselor.

 

Now... this is just me, but if I were in your husbands shoes, adding a 2nd party like a counselor into this would not soften the blow, it would make things hurt twice as bad.

 

From what you said earlier... it sounds like he won't be totally shocked.

 

Do you think he really loves you? Do you think he will try to work things out?

[OWoman]

Actually, reading John Who's post, I understood that what he was trying to say is that the reason why many MM "play the kid card" its because that's their "easy way out" of the affair.

 

Its not choosing the comfort zone over love. Its choosing the marriage over the affair. He's not saying that they're ending the affair and losing out on love...he's saying that 'playing the kid card' is their way of ending the affair and keeping the marriage..

 

Maybe. And in other cases, they genuinely (and mistakenly, IMO) believe that "it's better for the kids" for them to stay, so they suffer for some notion of greater good that they as The Family Man have a duty to provide. My father was one such. (Though in his case, fortunately, once the kids were out of the house he did D and marry his OW. Better late than never, I guess.)

 

I think all kinds of reasons and scenarios are possible, and likely, and trying to second guess which one applies in which situation on partial information lends everyone the opportunity to trot out their favourite, and to downplay the favourites offered by others that don't match theirs.

[biffster]

Yes, it is possible for the man to be in love with you and torn between the family ... definitely ... the issue is weather he love you enough to make changes, loves himself enough to make changes, and loves his family enough to make changes .... an affair is not a good situation for anyone, and I think you know that ... only time will tell if he loves you enough and it was meant to be ...

 

... you cannot do this while in an affair ... the decisions effecting his marraige are ones that he has to make on his own, without any interference from you or a third party ... you cannot be a part of it ...

 

.. he was already with you, claims he already loves you ... and this is as far as it can go for now ... you must let him go to work it out or not ...

 

... if he works it out, and wants you after he has taken those steps, then I would say he loves you enough to want a life with you ... if he doesn't work it out, then he may still love you, but not enough ... and then, why would you want him anyway? This is at least what I keep telling myself ... my MM already knows me ... we were friends for two years before anything happened, and it just did ... there is no where for it to go from here except down ... I cannot handle the situation and have no desire to ... he claims he is in love with me, and I do believe him ... but only time will tell if he loves me and himself and family (he has a 2 and 4 year old) enough to make the necessary changes in his life ... until then, the jury is still out ... and I am trying to keep the positive memories and heal from this whole thing .. .it is truly devastating ...