Anxiety and paranoia

[iwanttolive]

Hi all.. I have a serious self-esteem problem especially in r/s. Firstly, since i was young, i've been exposed to my parents' unhealthy relationship. My dad always put my mom down, mocking her, etc and my mom always put up with his behaviour. My mom always feels inferior and is very timid. My parents are divorced now.

 

Secondly, i was taught since young that excelling academically is of topmost important. I did well in school. Basically, i was a nerd. I sucked at sports and socialising. I did not take care of my appearance as well. My hair was always messy and oily. My face was acne-ridden. And i shopped very little so I dressed badly too.

 

When all my galfrens had some form of attention from guys and I was the only one left on the shelf, I decided to do something about my life. I learnt to socialise and began taking care of my appearance. Now people have been telling me that I look great. Not that i'm proud, but I do have nice facial features. Hence, if I dress up, I will look fine.

 

To date I've had 4 boyfrens. As I said, i excel academically, but i'm totally clumsy, unobservant, totally not street-smart.. I'm basically a total klutz and blockhead. All I could rely on is my look and academic achievement. In contrast, all my 4 bfs were non-academic, excelled in sports, alert, street-smart, etc etc. My 3 ex-es dumped me partly because the above. I did not have common sense to do the right thing at the right time and it frustrated them. I was not observant and alert of their needs and was always a ding-bat. I almost never made a good decision. Got the idea?

 

I'm in a r/s with my 4th bf now. And I see history repeating itself. I badly want this r/s to work. So i put in efforts to improve my shortcoming. I reminded myself to be alert and observant. I took efforts not to be complacent and to exercise my mind. But things still go wrong despite my efforts. I'm totally discouraged.

 

And now i become anxious and paranoid. Whenever he showed frustrations, I lost sleep at night, thinking he might dump me anytime just like my ex-es. If I managed to sleep, I'd have nightmares and woke up feeling weary and exhausted. Even when things were alright, I still felt anxious. When he doesn't call I'd start imagining the worst. But i never gave him any problem despite my anxiety and paranoia. I don't lose my cool at him and suddenly lash at him or anything. The burden is however weighing me down. What should I do to breathe the fresh air again?

[iwanttolive]

I guess my ex-es felt they were dating an incompetent..