Little brother watching porn-my bf thinks it's okay and i'm very upset (Long)

[inloveandhurt]

I'm 24 years old and I've been in a relationship with my college love for 4 years. He moved abroad a year ago, but we're still in contact. Planning to get married.

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What Happened: In Dec I visited my younger bro at college and stayed in his apt. I found out he had started to use porn daily. I was grossed out but didn't say anything. I brushed it aside as normal curiosity. In May he returned. One day I opened RealPlayer to play a video and porn started playing back. It was a video was of a lady getting it in every hole and there were closeups of her bleeding. I was SO shocked and disgusted..my heart was racing and I started to sweat...I could not understand why someone would be turned on by a bleeding woman in obvious pain. On top of that, my mom (she is Indian...) saw a site with a girl's face covered in cum. Her face went totally blank. Her blood sugar went up and she got dizzy. Later, she blamed my sister. My sister never said anything, trying to cover up my bro.

 

I eventually mentioned it quietly to my mom, and later she assured me she had a talk with him. A few weeks later what do I see? "Son rapes mom oral anal etc"..I was so horrified I just became sobbing. It is the same computer he talks to my mom on the webcam on! I told my brother that was disgusting, and my mom heard, and now my brother is enraged at me. He said telling him didn't accomplish anything, and there's nothing wrong with it because he wasn't going to rape anyone. And that he never downloaded that vid anyway.

 

I called my bf and told him everything. He told me that it's perfectly normal to watch such things and I was overreacting. I asked him "you think raping girls is normal?" And he was like, it's just porn and it's not a big deal. He uses porn almost everyday. His insensitive attitude made me start sobbing hysterically. I just felt like first my brother is a perv and now the only person I have loved is one too. He told me he didn't want to talk to me while I was crying so he put the phone down.

 

Then he wrote me a mail last night:

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Subject: not mad

"its irrational to assume that anyone can be perfect or just the way u want.

I think u're aware that its a common problem among guys - not that iam trying to side w/ your bro. Besides love, I found this very weird that u are having such a big problem w/ him watching it when we ourselves have actually done stuff. How do u think he would react to that? Obviously he'll not think that its a different case just cause we love each other. "

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I've made out with him, sure (physical contact not allowed in my culture) but I think that is entirely different than watching a girl get abused. He says it's not a big deal, it's just to 'get off'. I feel miserable, I spent four years of my life with someone...now I'm thinking, was I just a toy for him to 'get off'? I feel hurt he feels my love is the same as ****ing a porn star. Am I being totally stupid? I have no one to confide my feelings in, so I just found this board.

[J2FT1]

You have to learn to get over this. Yes, he is your brother but he is also a man. It is a natural part of growing up for guys (and gals). Don't get me wrong, differnet guys have different taste in porn, but about 99.9% of them watch it. It's pretty normal. From reading your BF's letter, he sounds very wise. I think you have yourself a good man. Don't worry.

[Citizen Erased]

I fail to see why what your brother views is any of your business. My 16 year old brother looks at God know's what, but I would never in a million years dare to stick my nose in. Your sister should have told your mother when it wasn't her, but other then that I see no reason to tell on him.

 

As for your boyfriend, are you looking for an excuse to fight with him? Because he doesn't agree with you? He is not emotionally involved with the situation, as you apparently are, of course he won't be outraged over this.

[inloveandhurt]

yeah you're right, what my brother views is not really my business, but when he is using MY computer, then obviously I am going to see it.

 

About my BF, I'm just upset because he admitted he watches rape, gangbangs, etc. regularly. His reaction just showed he was totally desensitized to every type of perversion there is. When a guy's brain has seen with thousands of images of submissive girls with implants, is it possible for it to have no effect on his attitude towards women? It's hard for me to believe it doesn't have an effect on his idea of sexual relations. I just wonder if I can ever please him as much as his computer and whether it's worth even trying..

[forrest]

yeah you're right, what my brother views is not really my business, but when he is using MY computer, then obviously I am going to see it.

 

About my BF, I'm just upset because he admitted he watches rape, gangbangs, etc. regularly. His reaction just showed he was totally desensitized to every type of perversion there is. When a guy's brain has seen with thousands of images of submissive girls with implants, is it possible for it to have no effect on his attitude towards women? It's hard for me to believe it doesn't have an effect on his idea of sexual relations. I just wonder if I can ever please him as much as his computer and whether it's worth even trying..

 

time to create a password. If its your computer, you should restrict his usage if you feel its inappropriate. If its his computer....step the f*** back. None of your business. As long as its not illegal in your country/state, then its fine and you have no opinion in it. And I bet your the type of person that believes that playing video games causes people to become serial killers...no? then nothing wrong with what you mentioned.

[MadDog]

Every (normal) guy watches porn. What's the big deal?

 

MD

[dreamergrl]

I think you guys are being a bit harsh on OP. There's a cultural difference in the mix, and what is normal to some people may not be to her. I mean, I get that watching porn is quite normal, but I personally am taken back by the bleeding/raping scenarios. I could care less if my bf was watching porn (hey I may even join in) but I'd have a problem with the porn getting to abusive scenes like that. There is nothing normal about rape. I don't find it the same as comparing it to video games.

[ahah2322]

your bf sounds freakin awesome and wise.

 

i think you're just dramatizing the whole thing. if you didn't discover the porn, everything would be as per normal right? i.e. porn has not caused negative changes in both your brother and your boyfriend despite daily engagement.

[Trialbyfire]

I would definitely password protect your computer. Who knows what else he's watching that might be illegal. The last thing you want are traceable IP tracks to your computer.

 

While I normally consider porn a joke, rape and closeup scenes to bleeding are rude. You do have to wonder how anyone can get off on abuse of this nature.

[sweetbutcheeky]

Guys watching porn is normal though some of the types of porn I did find alarming.

 

Causing her to bleed, Son rapes mom and Raping girls.

[forrest]

I think you guys are being a bit harsh on OP. There's a cultural difference in the mix, and what is normal to some people may not be to her. I mean, I get that watching porn is quite normal, but I personally am taken back by the bleeding/raping scenarios. I could care less if my bf was watching porn (hey I may even join in) but I'd have a problem with the porn getting to abusive scenes like that. There is nothing normal about rape. I don't find it the same as comparing it to video games.

 

as long as its legal... I was comparing it to video games because they are similar. Offensive images on a screen do not make a person become violent/aggressive.

[dreamergrl]

as long as its legal... I was comparing it to video games because they are similar. Offensive images on a screen do not make a person become violent/aggressive.

 

Gaming is purely fictional. Sex, rape, abuse is all very real. I don't think it should be taken lightly.

[macon]

Watching pornography is perfectly normal and natural.

 

Watching sexual abuse is not.

 

You have every right to be concerned. This is not pornography, this is sexual abuse and rape - and I believe, sexual abuse and rape are illegal in virtually all civilized nations.

 

The fact that your brother sees nothing wrong with viewing illegal material is extremely concerning. The fact that your brother 'gets off' on watching a woman being abused is far more terrifying. Fantasy is one thing, but the women he is viewing are real and they are in real situations.

 

In all honesty, if I were in your shoes, I would speak to him, and explain that what he is viewing is not normal pornography, it is illegal. If he refuses to listen I would inform him of my intention to speak to our parents, and also to get advice from the authorities regarding the legality of his viewing.

[macon]

For those who think viewing sexual abuse and rape is ok and 'normal' (for example Citizen Erased, ahah2322, JTF21, Mad Dog) ....

 

... do you think people have a similar right to view child pornography? And if not why not? Rape, sexual abuse, and child pornography are all illegal.

[Carmen87]

I don't find pornography displaying abuse and rape to be normal. It portrays things that happen everyday as something sexual, when it is anything but.

[ahah2322]

to macon:

 

it is healthy to indulge (not over-indulge to the point of addiction) pornography. it is not healthy to indulge in watching ACTUAL rape/ abuse/ child-pornography (if the rape/ abuse and child-porn (barring minors) are scripted, they are acceptable because they are scripted to specifically cater to fantasies). they deviate strongly from the bubblegum-porn and indulgence in them indicate psyche-disorder.

 

it is perfectly normal to seek gratification from watching a non-minor dressed up as a prepubesent engaging in sexual activities but not a minor in acts of similar nature. the latter is illegal.

 

i did not pick on the mentioned 'sexual-abuse'-themed pornography not because i think they are healthy but because i think that she is dramatizing the issue/ pornography. correct me if i'm wrong, OP.

[dreamergrl]

 

I eventually mentioned it quietly to my mom, and later she assured me she had a talk with him. A few weeks later what do I see? "Son rapes mom oral anal etc"

 

i did not pick on the mentioned 'sexual-abuse'-themed pornography not because i think they are healthy but because i think that she is dramatizing the issue/ pornography. correct me if i'm wrong, OP.

 

I don't see anything over dramatized about this.

[macon]

"(if the rape/ abuse and child-porn (barring minors) are scripted, they are acceptable because they are scripted to specifically cater to fantasies)"

 

Ahah, how do you know that the images this man was watching were scripted scenarios? I can't think of any possible way you could know this.

 

I would say that a woman bleeding during abuse on the internet is unlikely to be the work of a make-up artist.

[macon]

"if the rape/ abuse and child-porn (barring minors) are scripted, they are acceptable because they are scripted to specifically cater to fantasies"

 

I would absolutely disagree that deriving sexual pleasure from actually watching rape, abuse, or child-pornography - whether simulated or not - is acceptable.

[ahah2322]

i don't know if they are scripted or not, of course.

 

IMO, it just sounds like she is dramatizing (for the lack of a better word) what she saw because she isn't comfortable with pornography in general.

[macon]

I think if there was no abuse involved you might be right. But women being raped, bleeding etc. is really not normal healthy pornography.

 

A man who finds rape sexually exciting is bound to worry any normal woman.

[ahah2322]

many many women have fantasies that entail being raped and the likes. they consider it sexually-exciting. is it wrong, macon?

 

 

so long as the viewer is able to separate between reality and fantasy, it goes under the radar.

[macon]

It's not wrong to fantasise IN YOUR MIND about any scenario whatsoever. There is no way anyone can censor someone else's thoughts. However, if you fantasise something violent on a regular basis and it starts to become something you want to act out in reality, then you may have a problem and should probably talk to someone.

 

But we are not talking about someone having a fantasy in their mind here.

We are talking about someone actively seeking out and viewing illegal images of rape and violence against women in order to gain sexual gratification.

 

Are you really telling me you can't see a difference between these two things?

[macon]

"many many women have fantasies that entail being raped and the likes. they consider it sexually-exciting. is it wrong, macon?"

 

I would also disagree that many women fantasise about being raped. I think many of us fantasise about being overpowered and physically dominated - even physically humiliated - but usually by someone we'd like to be overpowered by and certainly in a way that turns us on! And we call the shots in the fantasy.

 

This is not the same as watching a woman actually being raped at all and jerking off to it.

[dreamergrl]

many many women have fantasies that entail being raped and the likes. they consider it sexually-exciting. is it wrong, macon?

 

 

so long as the viewer is able to separate between reality and fantasy, it goes under the radar.

 

Again "Son rapes mom"

 

What freaking mother has fantasies of their son raping them??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????