not coping to well

[sultry33]

i have been reading reasons for others breakups and nc etc..

i just have few questions if you dont mind advising me.

 

we broke up because of

kids.. ie teenage daugther being a big pain.. typical teenager really but he is lone child so maybe thats why he never understood kids too well

 

also him being a policeman he saw it as "personal" when discipline did not work.

 

house was a mess.. yes i had shopaholic tendenacies but no storage in this house.. id agree that it was a mess compared to his idea.. his mums is like a showhouse.

 

his travelling time.. 2hrs day drive for work.. was dangerous as he fell sleep at wheel.. yes id agree with this reason too..

 

he says he still loves me, misses me.. but cannot be with me.. problem was never "us"

 

so my questions are:

 

is there any hope..? if the above changes

ie i move nearer.., daughter is growing up, be working soon, has nice bf now not guy who was in jail.. house be better..

 

or do you think these issues can not be resolved?

 

there is noone else involved, we have seen each other a few times and have a cuddle etc.. and he holds me real close like he dont want to let go..

but then between the meetings he is distant, do you think he still misses me? that its a coping tool?

 

we rarely argued in our near 4yrs together..

 

what do you think i should do?

move on? wait?

im trying give him time but its damn hard.. but i need to know whats best to do as i have to decide when to move and where, as my son who has autism needs special school, so need this sorted asap..

 

i hope i dont sound pathetic,desperate i just dont want to hold on if its trully over but dont want to give up on him if he still loves me..

[LikeCharlotte]

Two people can work through most things if they both really want to and work on it together. The two most important things are communication and commitment. You both have to want it to work. I hope you get what you want. I say hold on unless you are sure that one of you is unwilling to do the required work. It is hard to find a good thing and if you have it don't let go over pride.

[mollers]

i have been reading reasons for others breakups and nc etc..

i just have few questions if you dont mind advising me.

 

we broke up because of

kids.. ie teenage daugther being a big pain.. typical teenager really but he is lone child so maybe thats why he never understood kids too well

 

also him being a policeman he saw it as "personal" when discipline did not work.

 

house was a mess.. yes i had shopaholic tendenacies but no storage in this house.. id agree that it was a mess compared to his idea.. his mums is like a showhouse.

 

his travelling time.. 2hrs day drive for work.. was dangerous as he fell sleep at wheel.. yes id agree with this reason too..

 

he says he still loves me, misses me.. but cannot be with me.. problem was never "us"

 

so my questions are:

 

is there any hope..? if the above changes

ie i move nearer.., daughter is growing up, be working soon, has nice bf now not guy who was in jail.. house be better..

 

or do you think these issues can not be resolved?

 

there is noone else involved, we have seen each other a few times and have a cuddle etc.. and he holds me real close like he dont want to let go..

but then between the meetings he is distant, do you think he still misses me? that its a coping tool?

 

we rarely argued in our near 4yrs together..

 

what do you think i should do?

move on? wait?

im trying give him time but its damn hard.. but i need to know whats best to do as i have to decide when to move and where, as my son who has autism needs special school, so need this sorted asap..

 

i hope i dont sound pathetic,desperate i just dont want to hold on if its trully over but dont want to give up on him if he still loves me..

 

Your situation sounds a bit like mine. The breakup didn't come about because of betrayal, or because of distance or any major reason. Like you, I had never argued with my ex in 2 and a half years. Our breakup has come about because of a number of small issues, which I chose to raise in the hope of making our relationship better. My ex took the option of not wanting to make any changes and to walk away from me. As in your situation, he said his feelings for me hadn't changed, he loved me and missed me every day and that to break up with me would make him very unhappy.

 

As LikeCharlotte says, two people can work through most things if they really want to and if they work together. In my case, I was willing to do this and it seems my ex wasn't. This came as a major blow to me as I thought our relationship could withstand anything.

 

Just as you have children, I have a child to consider in all of this. My ex denied that my son had any impact on his decision, and I must admit he loved him as his own, but I couldn't just do things at the drop of a hat like he and his friends could, and I thing he tired of this, although he says not.

 

Hard as it is, I have come to the decision that my ex wanted to end it long before it happened. I don't feel he was honest about his feelings. If he loved me like he said he did, then nothing would have come between us. If your ex isn't willing to work on things then I would honestly move on, as you say, your children must come first. In my heart of hearts, I know that if my ex wanted to be with me, he would, and if your ex wants to be with you, then let him come to you. In the meantime, concentrate on looking after you and your children. I draw strength from my son, I'm sure you will too.XX

[GodofNietzsche]

I agree when you say "two people can work through most things if they really want to and if they work together."

 

However, if the other person is willing to do that, can they really be in love with you? I know the feeling of love, and the willingness to do (to a reasonable extent) what is necessary to keep the relationship together.

[sultry33]

thanks, yes im feeling its a little one sided at moment, which i admit does hurt.

i agree that if its love then these issues could be sorted out an he would want to.. so im thinking maybe he didnt love me at all.. certainly the way he is acting latley seems that way..

 

i sometimes wish the problem was us and not the other things then id move on and think it was not meant to be..

 

he had no children of his own and i wouild have had a reversal as we talked about it, but im beggining to think i should let him go, so he can have

this with someone else.

 

i hold oonto the thought that everything happens for a reason, and sometime in the future i look back and see it but its so damn hard

at the moment, ive tried pulling away and telling him i let him go so he can be with someone else, but then he has a go at me saying thats not what he wants.. however his actions show that he doesnt want me.. nc for days

 

we used to go out alone often to meals, cinema, driving.. shopping

so we had time for us as my children are 11, 12, 16 so not babies

he was always loving an caring about me, took ages for me to believe him when he said he loved me, but he showed it.. now i think he wishes i did not exisist

 

truth is all i wanted was to be with him, still do but this pain is tearing me apart, but my daughter an him could not get along an that was tearing me apart too.. reminded me of my childhood and i know thats the biggest factor in him leaving as he hated to see me hurt, also didnt want to hurt her..

 

i just wanted to see him, not live together for now.. how can that be so bad?

 

i dont know if this can be resolved as i deleted his number so i wouldnt drunk text or harrass him as he was busy.. now i dont think he is talking to me at all..

 

as you can tell im upset today.. kids not here and i have loads to do so at least i be busy, but still sad..

[mollers]

i agree that if its love then these issues could be sorted out an he would want to..

 

This is the bit you need to keep reminding yourself of, it is what helps me most at the moment. I was willing to do anything to save the relationship and he wasn't, he just didn't want to.

 

I have tried putting myself in his position. I think, ok, if he had raised the issues that I raised with him, what would I have done? And I honestly think I would have sat down and said how can we sort this out as I don't want to lose you? My ex could have done that, but chose not to. Amost anything can be sorted out and risen above, relationships go through much tougher situations than mine was in, and people come through it because they don't want to lose the relationship.

 

It is this that makes me think my ex was not really the person I thought he was. I asked him, if I hadn't raised the issues, what would you have done? Would you have still been with me? And he said yes, he could have seen us together years down the line! How can that make sense? I opened his eyes to things I wasn't happy with, and I feel he bailed out, simple as that.

 

It doesn't make it easy though, as I feel our relationship has ended over resolvable matters and one day was there, and the next, pow, gone. I am sure you feel the same, it is like your world and your future has been taken out of your hands and you can't do a damn thing about it.

 

I am sure you tried to sort the issues with your daughter out, lots of families don't get on, but people need to work at things like this.

 

Is he still contacting you now? If he is still doing that but not wanting to move your relationship on then maybe NC is the only way to go. My ex still wanted to stay in contact with me but I couldn't handle it knowing how I feel about him. I know it sounds a cliche but writing my feelings down has really helped me be more objective about us/him, maybe that would help a bit?XX

[sultry33]

This is the bit you need to keep reminding yourself of, it is what helps me most at the moment. I was willing to do anything to save the relationship and he wasn't, he just didn't want to.

 

I have tried putting myself in his position. I think, ok, if he had raised the issues that I raised with him, what would I have done? And I honestly think I would have sat down and said how can we sort this out as I don't want to lose you? My ex could have done that, but chose not to. Amost anything can be sorted out and risen above, relationships go through much tougher situations than mine was in, and people come through it because they don't want to lose the relationship.

 

It is this that makes me think my ex was not really the person I thought he was. I asked him, if I hadn't raised the issues, what would you have done? Would you have still been with me? And he said yes, he could have seen us together years down the line! How can that make sense? I opened his eyes to things I wasn't happy with, and I feel he bailed out, simple as that.

 

It doesn't make it easy though, as I feel our relationship has ended over resolvable matters and one day was there, and the next, pow, gone. I am sure you feel the same, it is like your world and your future has been taken out of your hands and you can't do a damn thing about it.

 

I am sure you tried to sort the issues with your daughter out, lots of families don't get on, but people need to work at things like this.

 

Is he still contacting you now? If he is still doing that but not wanting to move your relationship on then maybe NC is the only way to go. My ex still wanted to stay in contact with me but I couldn't handle it knowing how I feel about him. I know it sounds a cliche but writing my feelings down has really helped me be more objective about us/him, maybe that would help a bit?XX

 

 

hi yes we kinda talked about it 6weeks before he left.. started off when id been on a night out with my mates.. came back an he was angry that id been messaging my daughters dad.. was nothing flirty just chat, about her and being drunk i said he had made me laugh.. not great reply but there u go..

he said he pack his stuff an go.. i talked him round as i loved him and he said it was ok.. he also mentioned my daughter driving him nuts house etc..

so i thought all was ok.. i did ask him few days later if we was ok an he said yes, he was being silly snooping an it was harmless, i promised that id not contact my ex again unless it was 100% about my daughter.

 

i did deep down think that it was a bit too easy.. he forgave me too soon, but blinkers was on..

really he used the 6weeks to plan on leaving me.. slowly removing his stuff etc.

 

in the 6weeks my business took off an although it was online it was taking up lots of my time.. kids played up more.. attention seeking.. jobs didnt get done, but i was trying mke as much money as i could so we could move..

 

then one night we went to bed.. i woke up at 3am he had gone.. took his stuff l;eft me a letter explaining saying how sorry he was that he didnt tell me.. but he knew id talk him rd again.. he said to not contact him..it was going to be the hardest thing he had done in his life.. he will always love me..

 

so.. i contacted him! did the usual beggining, pleading, crying voicemails texts.. he just replied saying wats at yours keep, i wont ever be coming back.. dont contact him..

 

inbetween texts he said he missed me, loved me,

 

i said if we both feel like this we need to meet up an talk.. so after about 4wks we did.. we talked he told me everything 1st how he missed me, loves me, even texted me that night after i went home to say he loves me..

 

since them i have seen him about 5 times. basically every 2 weeks.. we had fall out in that time too.. but he is distant.

 

when i see him i dont pressure him or ask about us.. i know not too, its just when i dont see him i wonder how he feels.

 

i wonder if he thinks im ok with not seeing him as im trying play it cool..

its like when we are together its like we are us.. when apart its furthest from his mind..

 

really is hard to explain.. he does not lie though and says he is not playing games and i believe him. just dont know what to do for the best..

 

i have sent him pm.. saying im only going ask it once.. does he want to meet up? yes no. are you thinking?

as he is a deep guy and is protecting himself i can tell..

 

im just like you in that it was kinda poof.. my future has gone.. over things that can be resolved..

so i guess if he does not reply then it is over..

just need to be strong eh

[mollers]

Yes you need to be strong but I know that is easier said than done. I feel I have been coping but then last night I found some letters from him from Valentine's Day 2 years ago - didn't read them as I know them off by heart! But boy the sight of them upset me, thinking of how something so good has come to this. I cried myself to sleep but this morning I'm dealing with it again.

 

It sounds like you say as if your ex had been planning to go if he had been moving out his stuff over time, I often wonder if my ex had deliberately become a bit distant so that I could raise the issues and then give him a way out....I'll never really know, as his comments have been so contradictory, he wants us to live together, he loves me, we're treading water though....so I say lets move it on and live together, then suddenly he has changed his mind, he can't answer my questions but he knows he loves me. Blah blah blah.

 

The bottom line for me, as it seems to be for you, is that I could answer ANY of his questions about our relationship and I would have done ANYTHING to save it. He couldn't / wouldn't. In other words, I am not worth saving. End of. I have to be so blunt and tell myself this. It doesn't however alter the fact that I still love him, or maybe, I love the person I thought he was. I feel like I have been a fool. Or maybe he hasn't really changed and I have been deceiving myself all along??

 

I think your ex will probably reply to your message as you are still in contact with each other. You need to be thinking now about how you will respond if he does. Prepare yourself for whatever he may say.X

[sultry33]

Yes you need to be strong but I know that is easier said than done. I feel I have been coping but then last night I found some letters from him from Valentine's Day 2 years ago - didn't read them as I know them off by heart! But boy the sight of them upset me, thinking of how something so good has come to this. I cried myself to sleep but this morning I'm dealing with it again.

 

It sounds like you say as if your ex had been planning to go if he had been moving out his stuff over time, I often wonder if my ex had deliberately become a bit distant so that I could raise the issues and then give him a way out....I'll never really know, as his comments have been so contradictory, he wants us to live together, he loves me, we're treading water though....so I say lets move it on and live together, then suddenly he has changed his mind, he can't answer my questions but he knows he loves me. Blah blah blah.

 

The bottom line for me, as it seems to be for you, is that I could answer ANY of his questions about our relationship and I would have done ANYTHING to save it. He couldn't / wouldn't. In other words, I am not worth saving. End of. I have to be so blunt and tell myself this. It doesn't however alter the fact that I still love him, or maybe, I love the person I thought he was. I feel like I have been a fool. Or maybe he hasn't really changed and I have been deceiving myself all along??

 

I think your ex will probably reply to your message as you are still in contact with each other. You need to be thinking now about how you will respond if he does. Prepare yourself for whatever he may say.X

 

 

i know what you mean about the damn love notes.. i still have post it on my bedroom door saying i love you.. was from me to him so he see it in the morning when he used to leave for work.. guess i need to peel it off..

i have big envelope full of our stuff.. one card made me cry for hrs as i was birthday card saying happy b day, today and im here for all the others in your life.. something like that.. but yes i put all in envelope.. all seems like lies now but hey i cant throw them out

 

i seem to have good days an bad..

im hoping he does reply and even if its bad at least i will know.. its the not knowing thats doing me in..

im having to think of the reasons why he is not contacting me when he said he would meet up this week..

your right though, like you i would do anything.. but it takes 2..

i keep you updated on however it turns out..

damn i think if i have another relationship i ban cards .. cant delete memories though . thanks for your support mollers, we both deserve better treatment , you was not wrong to ask him x

[mollers]

Thanks for saying that Sultry. I will be thinking of you.

 

PS - Don't get rid of all your memories, I haven't thrown anything out (yet!) but have put it all out of sight till I can handle it. I somehow missed the letters. This bit will make you laugh though, I did throw out all the underwear he bought me and now have hardly any knickers left! LOL!

 

XX

[sultry33]

lol, i used to sell undies i have about 100 pairs thongs all the same

 

i did show him the stockings an suspender set i bought for our annaversary

 

im not throwing mine away cost me a fortune to replace..

will keep the letters for now though, your right really x

[sultry33]

he texted, said was busy with work and stuff.. said was not avoiding me and that i said i was busy too.. damn shot myself in the foot there;)

im just happy he texted

[mollers]

So how do you feel now? I know you are happy he text you but what is your gut feeling telling you? Did you make any arrangement to speak etc?X

[sultry33]

well yes im happy that he contacted me.. he is ill so i said stay away until your better..

he said next week..

 

he also said typical the kids being away on half term.. as in we to busy to do anything.. but then he said if your other fb's are not visiting..

i didnt get it.. but then just did! so i said told him before im not like that.. jeezz he does my head in..

 

ive not even kissed another person , dont even want to

i just replied after saying text me when you can meet..

im still happier though:) he just said next week without fail x

[mollers]

Keep us posted then. Just make sure you do whatever is best for YOU. Good luck.X;)

[sultry33]

thanks mollers i will, you have fun x

i see your uk too, im in kent

[mollers]

Other end of the country - Lancashire! (But same problems nonetheless!) Will check in over the next few days to see what's happening - hope it's good news.

[sultry33]

my family come from there lol small world..

 

im in weekend zone now.. so is he so he busy with car shows.. im busy clubbing, recovering..

so wont be until next week.. but hopefully he text me between now an then..

i got the impression the fb bit was a dig or his way of asking if im with anyone

 

and the busy bit i think was a dig back too..

as i said cool im super busy too.. still im not worrying too much about it, he texted after i asked him if he was avoiding me.. so thats good enough for me

small steps.. must go slow.. must tell myself this..

 

seems strange that i still get butterflies when he texts me.. i seem to know when its from him..

 

i hope you have a good weekend mollers

i will still post on here but update on this thread unsure of yet..

x

[mollers]

I think you're right, I think he was probably fishing to see if you were with anyone else. Carry on with your own routine and wait for him to come to you, that way you are keeping busy. Enjoy your clubbing and take care.X

[sultry33]

this is what i sent earlier today.. and one minafter he read it..i requested read file.. he texted me..saying was not avoiding me.etc. made me feel 110% better

 

right only going to send this once as im getting the feeling you are avoiding me..

 

do you want to see me again? yes no?

are you thinking?

or is this your way of saying leave me alone?

 

communicate with me please, not fair to keep me guessing

 

i hope its a good sign x

[sultry33]

im seeing him tomorrow.. im excited, nervous, happy..

i sent him text saying if you dont relply then i know you dont want to see me as these i see u next week kept dragging on and iwas thinking he may just be saying it.. but he explained a bit further.. i just said ok.. texted bit more.. no pressure.. then he suggested tomorow

 

my hair is a bit grey.. blonde:eek: so im worrying over that, trying get it blonder as dye went wrong.. i decided f it im going to be me! stuff dark hair.. image..

i like being me, cute an blonde lol

 

i did say to him that i would be ok if he didnt want see me.. that id always love him but id understand.. so at least he knows how i feel..

he actually said he needed his hair cut as was 2 weeks overdue.. didnt want to be mess/tired when he sees me, which made me think, i think he is actually being honest.. also said he couldnt help being busier since we split

which is one of the things i think has helped him.. but not me!

 

so im not giving up on him... wish me luck please x