HeartHearts319 Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 I am new here. I have loved someone that loved me but I realized in my adult life that he has commitment issues. He was my first and I was his. I have loved him from the time I was 14 and it has never ended. I don't know if we were too young to handle our emotions, afraid or what back then. We had been with each other on and off for years. We would never break up but more like fade off. He was the sun, and moon to me. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful, smartest, wonderful person that he had ever met. We even believed that we were going to get married right out of high school. Didn't happen, long story short, we were on and off until we were 24 and then due to life situations, lost touch. I am 36 now, married, with one kid. He is not married but has kids. I have never stopped loving him and to make matters worse we ran into each other about a year ago, had a long adult talk and realized that even though we have both moved on, we are both still in love but we also know that we will never be with each other, never. Too much time has passed and too many people are in our lives that would be hurt. You know that saying about if you love something you have to let it and if it comes back………… well what the hell was that. I have to let him go, again. I hate this, my heart hurts everyday, I miss him so much. I hate myself for feeling like this. I called myself trying to move on with my life. No thoughts of him, I do not want to think of him anymore. I have prayed, meditated, you name it to get my mind off him. It makes me feel like I have lost my mind or have an addition. Before I married my husband , we talked about our first loves so he knows about my feelings for him, but he also knows that I had to move on or wait until he was mature enough to settle down, which was never a guarantee. To say that I have been in love with his person for almost the last 20 years is awful. We were in love before there were even cell phones (to give an idea of how long it has been. I just want to be free in my mind and my heart. He has kids and never married. He has always said that he loved me, but when we would get into the serious mode he would just up and disappear. The pattern would be , we would be good for a while, and then it would become hard to reach him, then couldn’t reach him at all, I would move on and BAM, he would come right back and we would pick up where we left off. After feeling like a fool for so long. When I was around 23 I started to push away from him, and the last time he disappeared, so did I, on purpose, but my feelings never changed. He has always claimed that I was the one, but he never understood why/what happened that we didn’t take it all the way. In my mind it was always because he would flake out on me. When I saw him all of these years later, the connection was still the same which was dangerous so we knew that exchanging #s to remain “friends” would be out of the question. But he had the nerve to say that for a long time he was mad that I went ahead and married someone else and I should have known that he would come around, and that he never got married because he couldn’t see himself married to anyone else but me.
LikeCharlotte Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 You are right in wanting to let it go. You have chosen your husband and family. You may still want to know him but don't indulge in the talks about your past with him. Let him know that you feel you've made the right decision. Open the door for both of you to move on.
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