1bee Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 i was doing really well since the end of april but this last week has been really bad for me. i've had occasional 'nightmares' about the ex for some reason; i call them that but they aren't anything major, just consist of him treating me like i'm nothing, but they always leave me with a sick feeling when i wake up. i haven't seen him since last month (he initiated contact and asked me to a movie) nor have any desire to anymore. same for him too apparently since he hasn't initiated contact since. i don't know why i've been having nightmares about him this past week but i have, so i revert back to dumb@#s mode and check his ms because i had a feeling my bad dreams were not without reason. i hadn't checked his ms page for almost three months. yes. stupid, stupid me. i've already bashed myself about a million times in my head. at least he doesn't know i look at it. well, i don't find a new gf. i just find out that he's been pretty successful which is well deserved for him and he's living it up. in a weird way, i feel happy that he is finally doing/accomplishing everything i told him he would and encouraged him to do. it just sucks that i'm at the bottom of the pot and feel like i was some sort of stepping stone for a do*chebag. the thing is, i have no desire for a boyfriend at the moment or the need to be needed. i just feel so HOPELESS simply because i feel like my ex is a hundred steps ahead of me in life. he has a well paying job and has the luxury of jack kerouac-ing across the country and slamming down a thousand or so every weekend while i'm here in normal lamesville still working on getting my bachelors and a job that will pay more then $8 an hour. i feel completely void and worthless. i hate it. i just want to be happy but i don't know where to begin.
sultry33 Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 hi dont worry about it, its curiosity thats all.. at least you did not contact him i know where your at with the kind of resentment, him being succesful# busy! means the same eh. i have these moments.. kinda panic abit too we planned to buy a house in a few yrs together, i had online business that has really gone down the pan as he took his laptop.. which obv was his but it was over a month before i got online.. so business gone now due to bad press..feedback. im a carer so until my son is settled in a school i have to be avaliable so job chances are minimal my rent is £1000 month.. lot to pay really.. i want to move but deposit rent id need to borrow.. from another ex no doubt which id hate to do but may have to.. short of winning the lottery. whilst my ex is busy most weekends.. car shows.. cars meets, ps3.. friends.. oh i go out sat night with my one an only friend.. he is getting fit at gym.. said he was doing it for me when we was together.. i went with him to every car show/meet helped him encouraged him.. i loved it too, but hey what does he care now.. im alone he is not.. so sorry to rant on your thread.. but i do know how you feel.. not sure it helps much but we will get through this.. one day at a time
kizik Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 I made the mistake of constantly comparing myself w my ex. All it did was eliminate my self esteem. You have to focus on your own progress, and not worry about the "great"ness of someone else's life. You can't be happy when you think of yourself as loser.
Author 1bee Posted May 29, 2008 Author Posted May 29, 2008 sultry33 and kizik, thank you for your replies. i know it's bad to compare oneself to another person but since there was a lull in my schedule, the negativity and depression somehow snuck in again. i know everyone has their own path and walks it at their own pace, it's just hard to remember that when you have no one that supports you and your steps are so minuscule that you can't see or have any idea of your progress, if you even made any. sultry, don't apologize. feel free to get what it is off your chest at anytime in this thread. at least you're still walking forward with your head held high. me, i've just stopped for a moment to look at all the &%$ i have to wade through still and feel so compelled to throw in the towel and sit down and cry for a while.
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