Maggs Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 I was just curious for everyone who's in an LDR--particularly successful ones. How much importance do you place on doing the little extras? For example, writing letters, mailing small packages, playing games online together, etc. Or how many of you just write emails, chat on MSN/webcam and speak on the phone? Does anyone here find that doing the former along with the latter is the best way of succeeding in an LDR or do some of you find that communicating via the net/phone just as satisfying?
TMichaels Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 Maggs, I think just like many things it depends on the individual and the dynamic between two people. I think it also depends on the "phase" of the relationship is in, too. From my own experience, early on in my relationship when both of us were "infatuated" with each other, too much contact, still wasn't enough. We IM'd, we emailed, we texted, played on-line games together, sent virtual and off-line love notes, used the webcam, exchanged photos and silly graphics, talked on the phone -- you name it -- daily, if not more than once a day. Over time (probably after the first year, year-and-a-half), things settled down to mostly IM's/phone calls/an occasional text. We "talk" every three or four days, unless one or the other is "out of range" due to work/holiday or family obligations. Though it's not wise to stereotype, generally, I find women are more apt to do things like send notes, cards, little gifts and the like. I'm always doing that -- my guy doesn't -- instead "his thing" seems to be taking photos of whatever's been going on and being excited about sharing them with me so that "I can be part of his life" even though I can't be there. I have to admit, sometimes if you're the card/gift giver person and your partner is not, you wonder whether you're just being silly or wasting your time being so "soppy." My first clue my guy was a "closet softie" was when we were on the way to the airport at the end of my first visit to see him. I gave him a card that expressed how great our time had been together and how happy I was to be with him. It was barely dawn and difficult to see, but he opened the card, read it, and then just put it back in the envelope and tucked it into the seat pocket in front of him. I didn't know what to make of his reaction. I was afraid that I "had said too much" or that that he didn't feel the same. After I returned home we were talking about our time together, I asked him about his reaction and apologized if I had made him feel uncomfortable. I was stunned to learn the reason why he had said nothing, was that he was close to tears, and didn't want to have me and others in the car see him cry. Turns out, my guy has saved that card and every single other card/trinket/present I've given or sent him -- They're all in his locker (nightstand) next to his bed, and "in a moment of weakness" he admitted he does on occasion get them out and looks through them when he's feeling down. So, I guess the moral of the story is, I don't think there's any hard and fast rule about what works best -- do what's in your heart and works for the both of you. Out of curiosity, what do you do, Maggs? Are you happy with the way things are, or would you like to keep the flame burning another way? Best, TMichaels
Eilonwy Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 I was just curious for everyone who's in an LDR--particularly successful ones. How much importance do you place on doing the little extras? For example, writing letters, mailing small packages, playing games online together, etc. Or how many of you just write emails, chat on MSN/webcam and speak on the phone? We used to do the "little" extras for maybe about 10 months, but they were almost always initiated by me, and I know for sure he only sent me a letter or card back because he knew I really like such things. However, by now (1 year, 7 months of relationship) we basically just chat on MSN, use webcams or talk on Skype. And even that became less... we used to chat up to 11 hours a day... now it's 3. Yes, 11 was excessive and only possible because we're both students, but sometimes I miss it. I think I'm still lucky to get 3 almost every day, though. I really hope it can work without the small extras!
Author Maggs Posted May 29, 2008 Author Posted May 29, 2008 Out of curiosity, what do you do, Maggs? Are you happy with the way things are, or would you like to keep the flame burning another way? Best, TMichaels Well I guess seeing as how my BF and I had the first year of our relationship together, I guess it's different for us. We generally email/MSN everyday and speak on the phone/use the webcam about 3 or 4 times a week. Some days we get more of a chance to chat than others. Depending on our work schedule. I think we're pretty lucky with what we do communications-wise. When we were first separated, my BF sent me flowers. I sent him a card and a note once. And when we had our first together, we each had little gifts for each other and I tucked a note into his suitcase for him to read when he got home and unpacked. I sometimes wish we did do little bits extra. Not so much sending packages, but I wish there was another way we could 'spend time together' other than just talking. I wish there was something we could actually DO together. If that makes sense? And if I may ask you....how long have you and your BF been together? How far apart are you and how often do you see each other? I assume from your story about the airport that you're a fair distance away. I'm on the east coast of Canada and my BF is in Scotland.
TMichaels Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 I sometimes wish we did do little bits extra. Not so much sending packages, but I wish there was another way we could 'spend time together' other than just talking. I wish there was something we could actually DO together. If that makes sense? I know of one couple who set up their webcams so that they could see and talk to each other as they got up and got ready and left for work, and also in the evening before they both retired for the day. Another couple cooks together via webcam, others watch DVDs together, and chat back and forth about the movie as they are watching it in each of their respective homes. I know of another who hooked a webcam/mic/headset to their wireless laptop and took their SO on a "live tour" of what was going on. You just need to be creative and ask yourself given the technology available, is it possible to "do things" you would ordinarily do together, and find a way... And if I may ask you....how long have you and your BF been together? I think I mentioned it in another thread -- but it'll be three years in September -- all of it long distance, save the time we've been able to spend together a couple of times each year. How far apart are you and how often do you see each other? I assume from your story about the airport that you're a fair distance away. I'm on the east coast of Canada and my BF is in Scotland. About 3,500 miles and a continent away. We usually see each other a couple of times a year for 10 days to 2 wks at a time. Work, expense, lack of vacation time and family obligations make it difficult to see each other more often, unfortunately. Given the effort it takes, sometimes, I think we're both nuts. And, my b/f agrees! It certainly isn't easy, and it takes a lot of commitment, patience, trust and communication. A good sense of humor and a healthy dose of optimism, are helpful, too. We've managed to keep it together so far (knock wood!). And, like two ninnies, plan to keep soldiering on until circumstances change. Best, TMichaels
Author Maggs Posted May 30, 2008 Author Posted May 30, 2008 TMichaels, It really amazes me sometimes--the couples that can manage long lengths of time apart and even less opportunity to see each other! 3 yrs is a long time to only see your BF twice a year. I don't know if I could be that strong! I imagine we'll be apart for a year-18 months but that's probably it.
TMichaels Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 TMichaels, It really amazes me sometimes--the couples that can manage long lengths of time apart and even less opportunity to see each other! 3 yrs is a long time to only see your BF twice a year. I don't know if I could be that strong! I imagine we'll be apart for a year-18 months but that's probably it. Maggs, as I posted in another thread a while ago: "Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough." That thought helps keep me and my guy going, especially when the going gets tough. Best of luck to you and your b/f and enjoy your trip to Scotland! Beautiful place to visit. The fact you also get to spend it there with your b/f is icing on the cake! Best, TMichaels
Author Maggs Posted May 30, 2008 Author Posted May 30, 2008 Maggs, as I posted in another thread a while ago: "Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough." That thought helps keep me and my guy going, especially when the going gets tough. Best of luck to you and your b/f and enjoy your trip to Scotland! Beautiful place to visit. The fact you also get to spend it there with your b/f is icing on the cake! Best, TMichaels That is a lovely verse--and how true it is! Thanks for posting that again. I must have missed it the first time around. And yes, definitely enjoying my time there again. I lived there so I knew how beautiful it is. Just hard because when I left, I felt like I left my home. Here isn't home to me anymore. The house in Scotland is.
TMichaels Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Just hard because when I left, I felt like I left my home. Here isn't home to me anymore. The house in Scotland is. As they say: Home is where the heart is... All the best, TMichaels
j_hunt_12 Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Well, first and formost we put visits the absolute higest on our list, but unfortunately that is not possible very often as our homes are 5000+ miles apart and we don't have tons of money. As for the communication, we use any device available as much as is needed. Now we are both in the U.S. but different states so we talk only by phone, usually 2 hours a day. When we are normal distance we use mostly MSN and email and we usually talk on the phone once a week. Soon we will both be close by on her side of the world but we will be closed from each other by borders, so we will probably do video skype because we will be on the same time zone and we will both have internet . I also mail her flowers and letters occasionally. The point is that we communicate however is possible. Sometimes our MSN will not work so we write MSN-style by email. It really is not that important to us and I've found that it is best to keep switching and to keep surprizing each other. We have slightly different types of conversations by each form of communication I've noticed (ie phone=more practical, MSN= more romantic), so it is best not to stick with one form of communication because you might start to get wrong impressions of each other especially for those longer stretches of time apart. It complicated but seems true for me.
TMichaels Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Hey j_hunt_12, nice to see you back on the forum! So, how did your visit go with your girl? Was thinking about you the other day, and was hoping everything went well... Best, TMichaels
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