Abused&Confused Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 OK, JUST TO RECAP. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 14 YRS. BEEN STRIAGHT WITH HUSBAND ALL THEM YEARS. I HAVE BEEN MENTALLY ABUSED, PHYSICALLY ABUSED, EMOTIONALLY ABUSED BY THIS MAN. HE CHEATED ON ME, AT THE BEGINNING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP. THE PHYSICAL ABUSE HAD STOPPED ABOUT 6 YEARS AGO, THE AFFAIR WAS 9 YEARS AGO... BUT THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE CONTINUED. lACK OF EXPRESSING HIS LOVE FOR ME, LACK OF COMMUNICATION. AS A PROVIDER, HE IS GREAT... MAKES GOOD MONEY, DOESN'T GO OUT ON WEEKEDNS WITHOUT ME, OCCASIONAL DRINKER, DOESN'T SMOKE.... ALWAYS BOUGHT ME AND DAUGHTER EVERYTHING WE EVER WANTED. i HAVE MY HOUSE, MY OWN CAR, MY POOL IN THE YARD, ETC. bOUGHT KEEP IN MIND i HAVE ALWAYS WORKED AS WELL. yET, MATERIAL STUFF IS NOT WHAT INTERESTS ME.... AND HE KNOWS THIS. wHEN I WAS FEELING DOWN ABOUT OUR MARRIAGE, HIS COME BACK WAS ALWAYS "WHAT MORE CAN YOU WANT, YOU HAVE EVERYTHING" . bUT i HAD MADE IT CLEAR ALL THE TIME. i DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS THINGS.... ALL I REALLY WANT IS TO BE LOVED AND FOR YOU TO SHOW ME LOVE AND COMPASSION. iT NEVER WORKED. I DO EVERYTHING FOR HIM. I AM HIS WIFE, HIS LOVER, HIS MAID, HIS CHEF, HIS SECRETARY, HIS FRIEND. I HAVE BEEN WITH HIM SINCE I WAS 16 YEARS OLD. DON'T GET ME WRONG, WHEN HE IS IN A GOOD MOOD, WE HAVE THE BEST TIME, WE MAKE LOVE, WE GO OUT WITH OUR DAUGHTER, WE CAN WATCH A MOVIE TOGETHER, ME AND HIM CAN DRINK AND SMOKE GREEN BY OURSELVES AND ENJOY OURSELVES. BUT IF HE IS TIRED OR STRESSED... HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE BOTHER BY ME... AND HE DOESN'T CARE THAT I FEEL HE IS PUSHING ME AWAY. WELL, I HAVE BEEN FEELING LONELY FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS NOW, I LOST MY GRANDDADDY IN OCT, 2006 AND I LOST MY CLOSEST BROTHER IN APRIL 2007. I WAS GOING THRU SOMEWHAT LONLYNESS OR DEPRESSION. I NEEDED HIM THE MOST AND IT DIDN'T HELP THAT WHEN I CALLED HIM HE WOULD SAY 'WHAT DO YOU WANT"? I TOOK IT AS I WAS BOTHERING HIM. SO LITTLE THINGS LIKE THAT MADE MY SADNESS WORSE. HE DOESNT THINK I WAS GOING THRU DEPRESS. BUT THAT I WAS JUST CRAZY CUZ I HAVE MOOD SWINGS ALOT. NE WAY, I MET SOMEONE AND ME AND HIM HIT IT OFF FROM THE BEGINNING. HE WAS THERE EMOTIONALLY FOR ME IN THE TIME I NEEDED IT MOST. I WOULD SMILE AND LAUGH WITH THIS OTHER MAN, SOMETHING I DIDNT DO WITH MY H. WE TALKED FOR HOURS AT A TIME AND ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. I HAD AN AFFAIR, I SLEPT WITH THE OTHER MAN. ONLY ONCE. MY HUSBAND HAD AN IDEA ABOUT IT... AND WHEN HE COFRONTED ME, I DID NOT DENY IT, CUZ I FELT SO GUILTY AND SO DIRTY AND I FELT LIKE A BAD PERSON. THAT IS WHEN MY WORLD TURNED UPSIDE DOWN. MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN GOING THRU ALL THE NATURAL STAGES OF A BS. ANGER, CONFUSION, SADNESS, IMAGINING ME WITH THE OTHER.... I AM NOW THE ONE AT FAULT FOR THE WHOLE THINGS... AND I HAVE EXCEPTED THE BLAME, FULL RESPONIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS. I AM DOING EVEYTHING I CAN TO MAKE IT RIGHT WITH MY H. ITS BEEN 3 MONTHS... AND WE ARE RIDING THE HIGHEST ROLLER COASTER. i REALIZED THAT NO MATTER WHAT, i DO LOVE MY HUSBAND AND I DONT WANT TO LOSE HIM.... AND I GUESS IT'S A GOOD SIGN THAT HE STILL HAS ME THERE. HE SAYS HE FORGIVES ME BUT I NEED TO WORK ON GETTING HIS LOVE AND TRUST BACK, WHICH IS WHAT I AM DOING. WE ARE IN AND OUT OF FIGHTS, AND IF IT ONE MINOR THINGS HE DOENT APPROVE, IT IS OVER FOR US. BUT THEN I CRY FOR DAYS AND WHEN I SAY SOMETHING LIKE " I THINK U R RIGHT, IT MIGHT BE BETTER THAT WE SEPERATE, HE GIVES ME MIXED MESSAGES AND PRETENDS EVERYTHING IS ALL BETTER AGAIN. I UNDERSTAND HE IS HURT BUT I AM HURTING IN MY OWN WAY TOO. I DONT KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN HOLD ON ANYMORE. I DONT KNOW IF HE DOES WANT TO BE WITH ME OR SHOULD I JUST GIVE IT TIME? HOW DOW I FIX THIS PROBLEM? OR SHOULD I JUST GO AND START NEW LIVES?
Owl Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 You can do NOTHING until the abusive situation is corrected. Either end that relationship, or take drastic measures to ensure that the abuse ENDS. Get to a shelter, insist on counseling for you and your H...make it a clear boundary. Do NOT accept abuse any longer. Once you've taken that step (whichever it is), THEN worry about dealing with the fallout from your affair. The emotional trauma a betrayed spouse (your H) goes through is extremely intense...and if he's abusive, its almost garaunteed to cause the abusive cycle to resume. You need to take action to protect yourself FIRST...and only then do you start working through whatever steps your marriage needs to recover. BTW...caps lock is really hard to read.
Kenyth Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 If what you're saying is true, this marriage sounds like a mess from day one. I think perhaps it's time you both let it go.
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