Looking for some insight......

May 28, 2008

I have posted my story on a couple of different forums because I haven't really received any helpful advice on the other ones. I am doing so again here in hopes of getting some new insight, a different perspective or God forbid, some HELPFUL advice. Post didn't go over for a couple of people in the Marriage area, and I understand this. I posted it there because I don't want to leave or hurt, I just want to understand.

My story. I am 46. My husband 48. He is also a former Marine. FORMER. I met my husband 10 years ago when he was still married. He was interested in me and finally I was in him too, but I did not want to be the reason for a divorce so we stopped seeing each other altogether so he could be sure about what he wanted. Seeing does not mean we were sleeping together by the way. He missed his kids. He tried a brief reconcillation with his wife and she immediately got pregnant, but did not tell him until she was past her first trimester. They already had two children, obvious marriage problems and financial problems. I warned him she would do this before he went back and he said on no, she won't, yada...for the above reasons. I have no children.

At that point, he decides he does not like to be manipulated and leaves her before she has the babies. Yes, I said babies....it was twins. She was already 43 then so this pregnancy was a little suspicious as there was very little sex even on the onset of the reconcillation and then it stopped altogether. This was a period of about four and half months.

We started seeing each other again. But now he wasn't sure about me and we both started dating others. We got back together in 2003 and married in 2004.

During that time there have been many changes. Perhaps I was too old to try marriage. I don't know. He was a cyclist and had an accident that kept him off his bike for a long time. He just got back on last week as his job is nearby and he is getting over his fear now. While not cycling he gained about 60 pounds. He started drinking scotch and smoking cigars. He began to scare me and talk to me when he was drunk as though I was a recruit. He never hit me though. We have not had sex in nearly two years. I am beginning to get old now, although I dont' look too bad for my age I'd say. I feel unattractive and undesireable.

In March one of his friends from work who worked here during the week and went home to another state on the weekends needed a place to stay. We had the room and we needed his expertise on some projects so it was working out. I really loved the guy as a friend and I believe in some ways my husband thinks of him as his best friend.

A couple of weeks ago, the roomie mentions to me what did I think of the sexual tension between us. I would never had mentioned it if he hadn't, but yes, there was. This guy is funny, adventurous, spontaneous, etc. But also MARRIED. He is also 36. Ten years younger than me. We talked about the tension briefly because we are NEVER alone.

That night, yes, I went to him in his room and had sex with him. A true Penthouse moment. Though it was fast (needed to be) I guess I should be sorry to say.....it was FANTASTIC. I think he and I would have a great sex life. But that is of course, neither here no there. We did it one more time after that and then his guilt got to him and he said by no uncertain terms that was never going to happen again. And it didn't. We do/did all of our real communicating thru texting. I am not insinuating that I don't feel guilty too, but I am more practical. It happened, so now what? It can't be changed but maybe I can be changed for the better. Or understand it better somehow.

He believed my husband suspected something had happened between us or was going to. I don't know. Could be.

Then one day he texted me while away and my husband answered the text as me, thinking it was funny. I don't know what was texted, but it was enough to get my husband slightly riled.

I, on the other hand, am so pissed he answered my phone. We share a lot but a person is still a person and needs some modicom of freedom and privacy no matter what. That is just an aside comment.

At any rate, the fellow is acting so weird and not staying here (haven't seen him in days he is at his brother in laws house - he stayed there for a long time before so that is why he moved in with us for awhile) he definitely believes my husband KNOWS we had sex. He does not know that. But he does know and I took the blame, that I did go into talk to the guy in the night (nudge) and laid near him but did not touch him. We just talked. I told my husband basically this made the other guy our roomie uncomfortable (of course!) and that I should talk these things out, our problems with my husband. So my husband knows I went in his room and was close to him (he knows he is my friend too and that always before had had a little brother affection for him and that is the truth).

Even though I took the fall albiet full of white lies he is still angry with the other guy, who according to the story, basically asked me to leave his room because of the relationship he has with my husband as close friends...yada. My husband was still naturally upset, but as explained would rather let this sleeping dog, no pun intended, lie. But I do feel these actions of my mine have ruined everything. I should not have done what I did, but after two years I just needed to be held and have I guess, a quickie, to feel I was still desireable.

The problems of the verbal abuse have been there for awhile. But only since we were married. It is very difficult to have a conversation with him without a whinny "I know" from him repeatedly. Counseling is not possible now as I am not working currently and we are practically living on Credit Cards. I mean groceries, gas, everything.

We have a second house we are trying to sell but it needs some TLC before we can even put it on the market, and God knows how long it will be there. I turned in my two 401K's to help with expenses but neither of us is good with money and it didn't last long. I put the downpayment of 10K down on this house and our little dog broke her leg and needed emergency surgery which cost 3K, and we put about 10K in this new house, but the remainder, I don't know where it went.

At any rate. Now I have nothing. No job. An unhappy marriage. Lost the one friend I did have (our roomate) and basically have screwed up any chances of the couples (there are about two other couples that we could have established relationships with). We have been very isolated. This was going to be a good thing because I was with him ALL the time when not at work. My work friends are gone. I am alone. My sister is here but we are rather estranged for many reasons.

I don't have any pie in the sky ideas that this guy and I would have a future (he has an unhappy marriage too) and would like to forget the incident altogether. But the bigger deal Richard (names changed of course) makes of it by staying away...avoiding...overdoing the guilt, etc. is just making matters worse. It was a mistake. Its over. Keep it to yourself and I will keep it to myself and lets just go back to the way it was. I am able to do this. He, not so much. He bought a house here and will be moving his wife and sons (two are older and I believe he has one about 8 or so. Not sure.) here at the end of June. If he continues acting this way he just makes it weirder and weirder. I have taken the fall and the onus is on me.

The big question is. What was the real reason I did this?

I dont' like the invasion of privacy and the jealousy (which was there with all guys that would look at me before) and of course, the loud talking and pushing me around as if he were a drill sergent (?) wasnt helping, neither was the drinking nor the no sex. I am unhappy and unsure our marriage is salvageable. I am not attracted to him anymore physically (again, this is not new) and I am tired of all the stuff I mentioned above.

But I want to know WHY I took this route. What was it that led me to do this thing? Is there a way to salvage everything? Some things have changed for the better since yesterday's post so some of the problems mentioned above have mostly worked themselves out but I am more curious as to my motivation? Was it fear? Was it lonliness? Low self-esteem? If anyone has any helpful advice or insights, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks. Ok....whew. Long winded I know. Just so complicated.

Terrible Person

May 28, 2008

I can't tell you why you did this. Only you know the true answer to that. It has to do with 1. Who you are as a person, and 2. The situation you are living in, and in that order.

My question is this. What has gotten better between yesterday and today? What makes you want this marriage now, when you didn't want it earlier?

Also, if your Husband makes big changes for you... to be a better man... can you live with the fact that you cheated on him with his good friend?

May 28, 2008

The big question is. What was the real reason I did this?

I dont' like the invasion of privacy and the jealousy (which was there with all guys that would look at me before) and of course, the loud talking and pushing me around as if he were a drill sergent (?) wasnt helping, neither was the drinking nor the no sex. I am unhappy and unsure our marriage is salvageable. I am not attracted to him anymore physically (again, this is not new) and I am tired of all the stuff I mentioned above.

But I want to know WHY I took this route. What was it that led me to do this thing? Is there a way to salvage everything? Some things have changed for the better since yesterday's post so some of the problems mentioned above have mostly worked themselves out but I am more curious as to my motivation? Was it fear? Was it lonliness? Low self-esteem? If anyone has any helpful advice or insights, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks. Ok....whew. Long winded I know. Just so complicated.

Terrible Person

Well, I can't tell you why you did it, that is something you would have to figure out yourself. I would suggest Individual counseling to help you deal with your problems and to figure out why you took that route. I know you said that you have no money but what about the churches in your area? I would say they would provide free counseling especially if you are a member of the congregation.

IMO, I think you needed to feel desireable again and wanted. I can understand the pain you are going through with your H but if you are that unhappy, it would be in both of your best interests to get a divorce. I would worry about the guilt OM is feeling because he may eventually go to your H and tell him the truth. Just something to think about.

Do what makes you happy but try not to do it at someone else's expense.

May 28, 2008

You did it because your human! You needed someone, thats all. Quit beating yourself up and just move on. If you feel the need, text the old roomie and ask if you 2 can simply clear the air. You guys are adults, talk it out. You'll both probably feel better! Good Luck, I'm sure its very hard being so lonely.

May 29, 2008

But I want to know WHY I took this route. What was it that led me to do this thing? Is there a way to salvage everything? Some things have changed for the better since yesterday's post so some of the problems mentioned above have mostly worked themselves out but I am more curious as to my motivation? Was it fear? Was it lonliness? Low self-esteem? If anyone has any helpful advice or insights, I'd appreciate it.

My best guess as to why you took this route is a combination of loneliness, need for sexual satisfaction and opportunity.

What do you want to salvage? Your marriage in its current state and/or your friendship with the other man?

May 29, 2008

I can't tell you why you did this. Only you know the true answer to that. It has to do with 1. Who you are as a person, and 2. The situation you are living in, and in that order.

My question is this. What has gotten better between yesterday and today? What makes you want this marriage now, when you didn't want it earlier?

Also, if your Husband makes big changes for you... to be a better man... can you live with the fact that you cheated on him with his good friend?

Thank you to everyone for the helpful responses. Well, between the first post and the time I reposted, though the tale I wove was mostly untrue it is still being maintained that nothing happened, and I admitted to husband (of course!!! so in the wrong!!) that I was in the wrong to have gone into talk to him for any reason. Everyone has decided to put it in the past. Though the true details are still not "out there" I don't see the benefit in it for anyone. I don't think that roomie will "out" the situation so to speak, as he, I, my husband, and everyone who knows us has a lot to lose by roomie and/or my need to relieve personal guilt.

Yeah. As far as your other observations I guess I am the only one who would know why I did it, its just that I don't know yet.

Husband having brought roomie into the picture was his idea and fine at first. I think its like when you develop feelings for a therapist; because they are there and because they listen to you, you look to them for a lot of the other types of validation that you need and because of that you mistake appreciation for something else.

Husband will try harder to be better for awhile. This is routine. Could the changes stick one of these times? Maybe. But that would remain to be seen.

In defense of both of us I guess there are so many issues bearing down on us right now that it is not a surprise that one of us snapped in some way. Getting through some of these major stressors could make all the difference in the world. Some things won't be worked out for awhile, his health issues, our looming hospital bills (forgot to mention those didn't I?)the other house selling, my getting a job, the no sex, the drill sargent routine - - all are heavy duty issues that I guess will have to be sorted out one by one. I just hope I am strong enough.

May 29, 2008

My best guess as to why you took this route is a combination of loneliness, need for sexual satisfaction and opportunity.

What do you want to salvage? Your marriage in its current state and/or your friendship with the other man?

Well, doing this thing was pretty out of character for me, so your observations about why are pretty spot on.

I want to salvage the marriage. I want to want to dote on him again and I want to want him doting on me. You know what I mean? Right now I cannot believe this is how marriage is supposed to be. I feel almost dead to him inside myself and that was well before roomie came along. Is marriage eventually just having someone "there"? I haven't been married before this and I don't know why people divorce or the real reasons why they stay together.

May 29, 2008

You did it because your human! You needed someone, thats all. Quit beating yourself up and just move on. If you feel the need, text the old roomie and ask if you 2 can simply clear the air. You guys are adults, talk it out. You'll both probably feel better! Good Luck, I'm sure its very hard being so lonely.

Yours was probably the nicest answer! I am human. Sometimes its like we forget.

I did make a BIG mistake and obviously, by seeing my moniker, Terrible Person, I know what I did is indefenseable.

Position between roomie and myself pretty much back to pre-indescretion. Thankfully he believes as I do, that there is no good to be done by belabouring the action to each other indefinately. We have to live with ourselves and that is hard enough.

I will try to take your advice and quit beating this to death. The action was a symptom I think, and it is the larger issues that demand attention now.

May 29, 2008

Thank you to everyone for the helpful responses. Well, between the first post and the time I reposted, though the tale I wove was mostly untrue it is still being maintained that nothing happened, and I admitted to husband (of course!!! so in the wrong!!) that I was in the wrong to have gone into talk to him for any reason. Everyone has decided to put it in the past. Though the true details are still not "out there" I don't see the benefit in it for anyone. I don't think that roomie will "out" the situation so to speak, as he, I, my husband, and everyone who knows us has a lot to lose by roomie and/or my need to relieve personal guilt.

I find this response sad in a way.

When we are true in our sorrow or repentance for an action, what do we do? How do we show that?

I've done plenty of bad things in my life, and I know how this works.

Yeah. As far as your other observations I guess I am the only one who would know why I did it, its just that I don't know yet.

Husband having brought roomie into the picture was his idea and fine at first. I think its like when you develop feelings for a therapist; because they are there and because they listen to you, you look to them for a lot of the other types of validation that you need and because of that you mistake appreciation for something else.

Because you were insecure, because you needed attention, because you resent how your husband treats you... ect?

I learned a saying once. It goes... "your problem is not your real problem." I recently complained that I get too many emails at work. Is that my real problem? No, my problem is that I don't have the time to respond to all of them.

I think when your ready... if you dig deeper, you will find the root of this issue.

Husband will try harder to be better for awhile. This is routine. Could the changes stick one of these times? Maybe. But that would remain to be seen.

How much do you trust your Husband to be the man you need? How much of your life are you willing to sacrifice waiting? Are your expectations and needs realistic?

In defense of both of us I guess there are so many issues bearing down on us right now that it is not a surprise that one of us snapped in some way. Getting through some of these major stressors could make all the difference in the world. Some things won't be worked out for awhile, his health issues, our looming hospital bills (forgot to mention those didn't I?)the other house selling, my getting a job, the no sex, the drill sargent routine - - all are heavy duty issues that I guess will have to be sorted out one by one. I just hope I am strong enough.

Life is not about the bad situations you wind up in, but instead about how you react to them. You are strong enough if you choose to be. I believe you have all the strength you need plus some.

With all honesty, I would not have survived as long as you in a similar relationship. I believe that is because you have more internal strength.

May 29, 2008

That night, yes, I went to him in his room and had sex with him. A true Penthouse moment. Though it was fast (needed to be) I guess I should be sorry to say.....it was FANTASTIC.

Well thats all that matters right?

I think he and I would have a great sex life.

Then divorce your husband and have a great sex life.

But that is of course, neither here no there. We did it one more time after that and then his guilt got to him and he said by no uncertain terms that was never going to happen again. And it didn't. We do/did all of our real communicating thru texting. I am not insinuating that I don't feel guilty too, but I am more practical. It happened, so now what?

Divorce your husband and set him free. He doesn't deserve what you are doing to him...and with someone he considers a friend.

But more than that, it seems that you simply want to cheat on him period. First it was one guy, now it is another. So why don't you just divorce already and spare the poor man?

It can't be changed but maybe I can be changed for the better. Or understand it better somehow.

I don't think you can change for the better. This wasn't just one man you desired to cheat on your husband with, it was more than one you desired to cheat on him with. Its a habit with you and your husband doesn't deserve to be treated that way.

He believed my husband suspected something had happened between us or was going to. I don't know. Could be.

I hope he does and maybe he will take steps to better his life by cutting out that which is bad for him.

one day he texted me while away and my husband answered the text as me, thinking it was funny. I don't know what was texted, but it was enough to get my husband slightly riled

I, on the other hand, am so pissed he answered my phone.

Let me get this straight, you f##k another man, in his house, a man that he welcomed in when he needed a place to stay, that and you developed another EA with another man before....and YOU ARE PISSED?

As if cheating wasn't already selfish enough.

We share a lot but a person is still a person and needs some modicom of freedom and privacy no matter what.

Oh I can understand why you are mad because he supposedly invaded your "privacy", you have alot to hide.

At any rate, the fellow is acting so weird and not staying here (haven't seen him in days he is at his brother in laws house - he stayed there for a long time before so that is why he moved in with us for awhile) he definitely believes my husband KNOWS we had sex. He does not know that. But he does know and I took the blame, that I did go into talk to the guy in the night (nudge) and laid near him but did not touch him. We just talked. I told my husband basically this made the other guy our roomie uncomfortable (of course!) and that I should talk these things out, our problems with my husband. So my husband knows I went in his room and was close to him (he knows he is my friend too and that always before had had a little brother affection for him and that is the truth).

Another example of a cheater telling a half truth to cover up the whole lie.

Even though I took the fall albiet full of white lies he is still angry with the other guy,

He should be equally and more angry with you.

who according to the story, basically asked me to leave his room because of the relationship he has with my husband as close friends...yada. My husband was still naturally upset, but as explained would rather let this sleeping dog, no pun intended, lie. But I do feel these actions of my mine have ruined everything. I should not have done what I did, but after two years I just needed to be held and have I guess, a quickie, to feel I was still desireable.

The problems of the verbal abuse have been there for awhile. But only since we were married. It is very difficult to have a conversation with him without a whinny "I know" from him repeatedly.

A whiney, "I know" is verbal abuse? There has to be more than that.

and if there is, I'll say again, divorce your husband. If it is that bad and you are using this as your excuse and justification to cheat, then divorce him first, and get your validation later.

I don't have any pie in the sky ideas that this guy and I would have a future (he has an unhappy marriage too) and would like to forget the incident altogether. But the bigger deal Richard (names changed of course) makes of it by staying away...avoiding...overdoing the guilt, etc. is just making matters worse.

Of course. It is improper for you to have ANY kind of relationship with him if you intend on staying married. If you desire a relationship with him, then you are disrespecting your H. Again, get a divorce.

It was a mistake.

Cheating isn't a mistake. It was a conscious decision by you to gratify yourself with another man.

Its over.

Maybe for you, but not for your husband. Even though you lied to him about what you did, he will always have this in the back of his mind. And deep down, he probably knows you shagged this guy, but is too prideful to say he thinks so. Then he'd have to admit to staying in the marriage with a cheater and being a cuckold.

Keep it to yourself and I will keep it to myself and lets just go back to the way it was.

Easy for you, but again, not for him. You have scarred him and that scar will be a reminder of how you are.

I am able to do this. He, not so much. He bought a house here and will be moving his wife and sons (two are older and I believe he has one about 8 or so.

Ah, you were talking about your lover *shakes head* Silly of me to think you cared about what your husband thought rather than this other man.

But really, your husband is pissed at him. You think your husband wants things with you and this other guy to go back to the way it was. You think this guy can ever be in both the presence of you and your H and your H knowing you went to him in the night?

The big question is. What was the real reason I did this?

I dont' like the invasion of privacy and the jealousy (which was there with all guys that would look at me before)

Well hells bells, seems that your husband had reason to be jealous after all. Uh, you cheated on him, and even though you lied about it, he knows. And even if you didn't shag the guy, going to him in the middle of the night is reason enough.

and of course, the loud talking and pushing me around as if he were a drill sergent (?) wasnt helping, neither was the drinking nor the no sex.

then get a divorce.

I am unhappy and unsure our marriage is salvageable.

I'd say you are correct. You have a H that you claim "abuses" you, and you are a cheater. Why would you even want to salvage that?

Thats like salvaging a rusty Yugo.

But I want to know WHY I took this route. What was it that led me to do this thing? Is there a way to salvage everything?

No.

You felt the need to get closer to other men, already said you aren't attracted to him, and claim that he is abusive. What more needs to be said other than, get a divorce?

Some things have changed for the better since yesterday's post so some of the problems mentioned above have mostly worked themselves out but I am more curious as to my motivation? Was it fear? Was it lonliness? Low self-esteem? If anyone has any helpful advice or insights, I'd appreciate it.

You anserwed that question yourself in the post when you said you just wanted to feel desirable. Well shiit....we all do. But some of us cheat, and some of us don't.

May 29, 2008

Well, doing this thing was pretty out of character for me

It is out of character for you? But you strayed more than once...sex or no sex.

June 1, 2008

It is out of character for you? But you strayed more than once...sex or no sex.

I did not stray more than once. I don't know what I said that made anyone answering this think there was a string of different men. That is NOT the case. Yes, ever action is a conscious action, there fore every mistake is a conscious action. But at the time with every conscious action you take you may or may not know if you are making a mistake. Are you saying YOU have never made a mistake?

June 1, 2008

I did not stray more than once. I don't know what I said that made anyone answering this think there was a string of different men. That is NOT the case. Yes, ever action is a conscious action, there fore every mistake is a conscious action. But at the time with every conscious action you take you may or may not know if you are making a mistake. Are you saying YOU have never made a mistake?

Cheating becomes a mistake only after the act. The act itself is intentional. You knew full well what you were going to do when you went into that room. You did it because you were lonely, horny from lack of sex and someone was showing an interest. You finally felt wanted. However this person was not your husband. Every marriage is salvageable if both participants want it. I think both you and your husband should go to counselling. You did say that the incident happened twice. Your husband was married to someone else before he married you. You tend to go for men you should not have. Why do you do that? How was the relationship between you and your father. A father-daughter relationship is very important to little girls early in their life.

June 2, 2008

Cheating becomes a mistake only after the act. The act itself is intentional. You knew full well what you were going to do when you went into that room. You did it because you were lonely, horny from lack of sex and someone was showing an interest. You finally felt wanted. However this person was not your husband. Every marriage is salvageable if both participants want it. I think both you and your husband should go to counselling. You did say that the incident happened twice. Your husband was married to someone else before he married you. You tend to go for men you should not have. Why do you do that? How was the relationship between you and your father. A father-daughter relationship is very important to little girls early in their life.

Yes. Was married. But waited until marriage wad dissolved before pursueing I am not as bad as you think. I am very self judemental. One tiame deal. That is why I want to know why?

June 2, 2008

It is out of character for you? But you strayed more than once...sex or no sex.

No no no. I was not attached. Waited until marriage dissolved before going forward. I think ethical. No"

June 2, 2008

One tiame deal

One time deal with the same person over and over again? Or was it just one sexual encounter?

June 2, 2008

You have a right to draw consclusions. But not these. Trust me. Serilously. Although my moniker is Terrible Person, is it a sign of my own regret.

June 2, 2008

I did a wrong thing. But is not ongoing. No reason to give up altogher. Whati is with "get divorce" is that always the answer?

June 2, 2008

No no no. I was not attached. Waited until marriage dissolved before going forward. I think ethical. No"

Twice. Please. Not a bad person. Though feel bad about this act.

June 2, 2008

One. Only onr.

June 2, 2008

No one is saying that you are a bad person. What we are drawing from is that you were having encounters with your husband before he got divorced. Whether sexual or emotional, that wasn't right. You only see your husband negatively now. I suggest you two communicate and get counselling if you want to salvage your marriage. You also said that you went to the roommates room. You two had sex..then you said there was another encounter

You said;

That night, yes, I went to him in his room and had sex with him. A true Penthouse moment. Though it was fast (needed to be) I guess I should be sorry to say.....it was FANTASTIC. I think he and I would have a great sex life. But that is of course, neither here no there. We did it one more time after that and then his guilt got to him and he said by no uncertain terms that was never going to happen again.

So you had sex with him twice. This is what people are posting about

June 2, 2008

You are here, at an infidelity forum, for the obvious reason that you committed infidelity against your husband. If you had not committed infidelity, would you still want to try to save your marriage? I ask you this because it seems that many times it is guilt, not love, that is the motivating factor for a cheater's attempts to save/rebuild the marriage. Be honest and ask yourself if a girlfriend was contemplating marrying a man like your husband, would you tell her to go for it?

As to the why? as somebody already said, you are human and very few people, in your circumstances, would not be sorely tempted to take advantage of the opportunities you had to do what you did. In moments of weakness, even saints have been known to fail.

June 2, 2008

Well thats all that matters right?

Dear Twice Shy....I went through and retorted to everything you said, but it took me so long, the system logged me out.

Listen. I can see this has happened to you and you are bitter. You go to the answer of divorce like five tiimes in your beratement of me. Divorce is not always the answer. You have read things into my story that are not there and make many assumptions. You do not know the life I have had, the life my husband has had or really many of the details that brought us here, besides the ones I shared.

Your intolerant, mean, judgemental, bitter attitude might have something to do with why YOU were cheated on. Sorry....had to get that in there after all the extremely hurtful and sarcastic comments you have posted here. I came to this place for help. You come here to hate.

I have a feeling if we were in the same room you would punch me in the face. This is not FIGHT CLUB. I thought this was to be HELP. If you don't have anything helpful to say, please do not respond to my problem anymore. It is not helping anyone except you, because you are finally able to take safe agression out on people here that you don't know and can't see you.

I wish you luck and that YOU are able to change, cause even you TWICE SHY, I'll wager, have made mistakes in your life. Some little. Some big. NO ONE is perfect, except maybe you I guess.

June 2, 2008

You are here, at an infidelity forum, for the obvious reason that you committed infidelity against your husband. If you had not committed infidelity, would you still want to try to save your marriage? I ask you this because it seems that many times it is guilt, not love, that is the motivating factor for a cheater's attempts to save/rebuild the marriage. Be honest and ask yourself if a girlfriend was contemplating marrying a man like your husband, would you tell her to go for it?

As to the why? as somebody already said, you are human and very few people, in your circumstances, would not be sorely tempted to take advantage of the opportunities you had to do what you did. In moments of weakness, even saints have been known to fail.

I appreciate your thoughtful answer. If I had not committed infidelity I would have still wanted to save my marriage yes. It was a bold action on my part to have done something so wrong to shake me up enough to do something to bring the changes that are needed about. I can only change myself after all.

I am human and I made a mistake. Please review the meandering retorts to my story by Twice Shy. This person seems to believe people are incapable of changing for the better, and mistakes are conscious actions (of course! if you are conscious when you do something, you make a conscious action) that are deliberately done to hurt a third party. Mistakes are made every day. Some things we do as conscious actions are fine and turn out well for us. Others later turn out to have been mistakes. I thought this happened to everybody. Most peolple here have tried to be helpful, though they obviously, and rightfully so, strongly disagree with what I did. They are however, able to separate the person from the action. I don't hate you but I don't like what you did. How would anyone learn in this world otherwise?

It was a moment of extreme weakness, frustration, desperation and fear. A moment that had been building up for two years.

Again, I thank you for your thoughtful response.

Terrible Person

June 2, 2008

I did not stray more than once. I don't know what I said that made anyone answering this think there was a string of different men.

Because I gather from your post that you were married before and starting seeing your current H behind your then H's back.

If it wasn't worded right, the please clarify. If it was, then you did stray more than once, maybe just not in your current M.

Yes, ever action is a conscious action, there fore every mistake is a conscious action. But at the time with every conscious action you take you may or may not know if you are making a mistake. Are you saying YOU have never made a mistake?

Cheating is not a mistake. You did it because you wanted to do it.

You didn't walk by his room, a gust of wind ripped your clothes off, blew you through the door, and you accidentally landed on his crotch.

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