Author Terrible Person Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 "Hiss hiss meow" I think I still have one of OWL's feathers stuck in one of my paws…:laugh: TerriblePerson (I hate having to direct myself to you with that name it is so cruel and I just don't see that in you…but I digress…) You don't have to figure anything out right now, you WON'T figure anything out right now it's like Carhill said it is all little steps, but it has to start somewhere. It is all a process like anything in life like any single thing we set out to do, be it a medial daily task or a life changin project, it all starts with one small change and steps in the direction you need to go. But if you are unsure which direction to go this is the reason why the "whys" are important. NOT to beat yourself up but simply to undestand. To explore what it was that prompted you to act so out of character and to understand it clearly and for what it is. From there you can embark in your new path. I can appreciate just how overwhelming this must feel to you, and that you are scared, facing ourselves to make a change because something is wrong IS scary so understand that everything you are feeling is normal. You are not going crazy you have not lost the ability to tap into your intuition even if it feels that way right now, you are just discombobulated. It's like when that chain that makes the wheel go round on a bike misses a spoke and hops off the track, the bike is still a bike but you do need to pull over and stop to rehook the chain back on so that the gear will make the wheel turn again and you can continue on your path. Your own self doubt about your choices is normal, it is a direct correlation to what you have just lived . You just encountered this darker perhaps less attractive version of yourself in some dark alley and that's enough to disorient anyone. So what I am going to say may sound really twisted but take it more like the glass half full than something dark or cynical, what you do have in your favour is that because your H is so preoccupied with bieng himself with his own thing, you can actually use this time to find yourself again. This is very important for you right now, your marriage is not going anywhere, if you have made it thus far a little more time until you get yourself in better shape and understand the big picture better, is not going to take away from the potential you might have together as a couple to recover. Also if I may suggest like someone else suggested journal your feelings/thoughts, make a list of those that are more pressing that affect you the most and see where they stem from. Distinguish between FEELING and THOUGHT and then see which thoughts are based on reality and wich are not. You are going to have a lot of racing thoughts and mixed emotions running around in your head and the only way to get them in check is to purge them out of your head, those thoughts that linger in your head will do more bad than good. Your post to me was really great. I think you really got it. You are right, I am confused about my own psyche and why I did something so bad. I have little more understanding now, after a big thing happend (not the quick sex with the roomate-something else) but still do feel like a terrible person,. Certainly Twice Shy and a couple others are quite happy with the moniker I chose. I named myself that because what I did is something an terrible person would do, and I did it, so therefore....But I am not. I am good and I do much good for people that are in need. What I did does not make up ME. It was something I have to understand, live with and figure out what to do now that it happened. I looked back on my initial post and I see that is was full of exagerations. I wrote it soon after the infidelty happened (is not affair by any means) and was still not thinking very clearly. The sex wasn't as great as I said, it was just sex. Five minutes. Sex. Detached and impersonal. I love your advice and will take it to heart, truly. II reallly feel good when someone like you or Owl take the time to think about my problem and answer honestly and with care. It is funny that I am so effected by Twice Shy's disdain for me. I shouldn't really care, because his posts haven't been helpful at all, but because I am a pleaser, I want everyone to "like" me. There is no explaining my situation to him, and he will never understand my being human and making a mistake. He harps on the idea that it wasn't a mistake, that I chose to do it. Well, that is correct in the most literal sense, but many of us have done things and later we know they were a mistake. This is what happened to me. I have never come out on this site saying I was right to do what I did, nor did I deny that I own this and I must figure out what to do now. The actual "act" was so long ago it seems. I haven't even seen or talked to old roomate. I had some revaltions when something big happened a few weeks ago, and now I know I have a disease and that I need to learn how to live with it and control it. Taking proper meds is key. I was weaning off because the meds were so expensive and I still haven't found a job, and we still have two mortgages. Things are bad financially and though I am no good at finances, I am in charge of them. Its terrible. Owl has been great too. Although she clearly does not agree with what I did or why I am not telling right away, but the advice is always good if not a little stern, but justifyedly so. I appreciate it when anyone takes the time to write and respond to my problem with ideas and help. I'm still in the "not telling right now" phase. *I know Owl's point of view on this and I know it is right, but I am not there yet. I just can't do it yet. I'm sorry to all who disagree and hate me for it, but I am not ready. So much has happened. It has been an emotional whirlwind for me and I need to decompress now. If you have more advice, I am happy to hear it, as I am Owl's as well. Many Thanks!
Owl Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 No worries, TP. My advice really hasn't changed, as the situation hasn't changed from what you've posted. As always, like any free advice, the choice to take it or not is always your own. Last thought...I'm very much a HE! :)
Author Terrible Person Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 Sorry! I guess I always think as wise Owl's as females!! Sorry to assume the gender, maybe it was because your answers seemed so empathic. I haven't experienced too many men being that way. I apologize for the assumption you were a woman and not a male. If there is more communication between us, I will surely address you as so! Thank you again for your thoughtful posts. TP
Owl Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 No worries...no offense taken at all...just wanted to let you know! And if it makes you feel any better...I'm not all that wise either. Nor is my 'name' actually meant to imply any such thing. Watch this forum...you'll soon see how little wisdom I actually have!
Tomcat33 Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Terrible Person (still hate saying that) I am so very happy to read about your update and to see that you have reconnected with your H and have managed to find love, lust, and that yearning for him again. I'm glad my post was helpful and also glad that you felt understood in your time of need. Thanks for coming back to mention that. That's all we really need sometimes, to be heard and to feel understood. This tends to kick our jets into high gear. You are flying now and paving your path, good for you. Clarity is all you needed to tap into that energy. I wish you the best TP!
bentnotbroken Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Your actions are what most people hate. I say most, because that is where a lot of the hard posts come from. They don't hate you as a person, we don't know you. You say you do great things for others, that's a servant's heart. But why not do something for your H. We at the end don't get to weigh our good against our bad. We all have a lot of both. But the standards, morals, character are all the things that truly matter. There are some truly horrible people out there who occasionally do good things(not saying you are one of those). So don't just let all your actions be how you are identified. Know who you are and live that way all the time, even when no one is looking.
pelicanpreacher Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 TP I wouldn't suggest holding onto the angst of this guilt for too long. Your medical condition may be exacerbated by stress and it is proven that stress borne by guilt is linked to a variety of debilitating ailments that get worse over time. Take care of yourself!
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