borelandkaren Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 I thought I was coping but I'm not. Everything is up to ****, have to move house again, my job sux, I miss him like crazy. When does all this **** end. When I left, I knew I made the right decision and now it feels like every time I try to do something, someone else is still in the drivers seat. Tomorrow I start counselling and I'm hoping that this will bring some sort of clarity to my life. It's all feeling so hopeless. I'm an intelligent, articulate woman and I have absolutely no sense of my identity. I have been living in a mans world for the past 10 years and while I wouldn't say I really have issues with self-esteem or self confidence, I don't have much idea about myself as a woman. Because I don't have the physical strength to keep doing what he and I did together anymore, I've lost my whole sense of identity. When I worked on building sites, I was at home. But I don't have any formal qualifications to do the work I do. So if I want to do what I did, I can't. No-one is going to work with me the way he did and I can't help feeling that he set me up for a fall. If I can't work with him, I can't work with anyone else either. I miss him. We worked so well together. The jobs just flowed, I miss the money. I know it's not everything but next month we were supposed to be buying a house together. All of our dreams up in smoke because he couldn't control his sexual urges and wouldn't leave me the **** alone. I love sex but the amount he needed was just ridiculous. If he'd had his way, we never would have left the house. As it was, he'd make us stay home from work for weeks so he could satisfy himself. And now, I've got used to it. Now though, there's nothing. No him. No me. No us. What am I going to do without him. I feel as though I'm dying inside .
Nevermind Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 Karen, he was a huge part of your life. It is only natural that you miss him. Don't think it's bad or terrible, it is a normal stage of grief. He was working with you, living with you, he was your present and you thought he would be your future. It is hard, but you made a decision and you know it was right. Can you see any way of getting the certificates you need to work in your field? There is a lot. There is you. And you are great. He is not there anymore for a reason. He was not good for you, and the "us" you mentioned was pretty of only "he" as well, wasn't it? Don't despair. You're strong, you're confident, you're good at what you do, and you freed yourself from something that was not good for you. Well done! Do something nice for yourself. Or cuddle up with a pillow and have a hearty cry, whatever feels best. You're not alone.
foxh1234 Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 We have all been where you are now. Do not let another person define who you are. You are a great person and you were a great person before he came along. You do not need him to be happy. You think you do now and that is natural, but you will realize over time that you are bigger than a break up. You will move on and be happier than you can imagine. It will take time, work, patience, soul-searching, self reflection and you will need support and help from the ones close to you. You will survive this, you will feel better. Give it time and please continue to post on here and let us all help you.
Author borelandkaren Posted May 29, 2008 Author Posted May 29, 2008 We have all been where you are now. Do not let another person define who you are. You are a great person and you were a great person before he came along. You do not need him to be happy. You think you do now and that is natural, but you will realize over time that you are bigger than a break up. You will move on and be happier than you can imagine. It will take time, work, patience, soul-searching, self reflection and you will need support and help from the ones close to you. You will survive this, you will feel better. Give it time and please continue to post on here and let us all help you. Thanks guys for the lovely thoughts. Started my counselling today and I spoke to her for a while (nice woman) and after a while she said, "so u were his sex slave for 5 1/2 years." It floored me. I don't know why because I know it's the truth and always have but I suppose because he always said to me that it wasn't just a sex thing (and I had no input from anyone else because I was so isolated from everyone), I believed him. I wanted to believe him. She also saw his jealousies and possessive ways and I hadn't seen them for such a long time because he told me about 5 years ago that he was over jealousy and just loved me. He fed me line after line and I simply didn't see it. Fox, you say not to let another person define who I am and I now know that this is what I've done with every person in my life. My father started it all. He had some really nasty, narcissistic traits as do my two older brothers and I've fallen into a pattern with my adult relationships, where I seek to find what I've always known. I think this is why I went into the building industry, so that I could finally find the recognition from men I've always looked for. And I gained it. But now that he's gone, I'm not working doing what I know and I feel so lost. I loved my work (partially because apart from him, it was all I had) and felt a great sense of pride on completion of works. Now I'm working doing cleaning and feel as though I've take a big step down. But u r right. I know that it's slowly, slowly and things are getting better on other levels. My family are there and I'm making contact with people I haven't seen in many years. Also, I'm starting to get together with a few new people but nothing is filling up the aching void I feel for him. I know it's because I was so oversaturated by only his presence for such a long time and that the healing is not going to be an overnight thing. It's still hard. I love him. Sad but true. One piece of advice that she gave me was "NO MEN!" I couldn't imagine it. I can't imagine ever feeling like I did with him. And maybe that's the secret. I felt too much.
Nevermind Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 No, you didn't feel too much. Take it from someone who has done more or less what you have done: your feelings of love were not bad and not stupid. You do not need to blame yourself for them. Being dependent on someone for your self-esteem and self-worth is a bad idea, and this is what you need to work on. You need to set boundaries and accept that who are you are is great and needs no further appraisal from anybody (even though it would be nice from time to time). You are strong, you are working on getting over him and you will. Your family and your friends will help you. One day, when you are over him and have learned to be happy with who you are, you will find love. And you will find a better love than you had, because you will be loved, not abused. And you will not be oversaturized nor smothered by somebody, because you will stand your own ground. When I read your posts I have a feeling that you will come out alright. It is hard, and you're going through so much, but you will find something good at the end of this journey. Can't you try to get the diplomas you need to work in your field? Or discover something else, something that you will also like but that is not tainted by memories of him?
Author borelandkaren Posted May 30, 2008 Author Posted May 30, 2008 No, you didn't feel too much. Take it from someone who has done more or less what you have done: your feelings of love were not bad and not stupid. You do not need to blame yourself for them. Being dependent on someone for your self-esteem and self-worth is a bad idea, and this is what you need to work on. You need to set boundaries and accept that who are you are is great and needs no further appraisal from anybody (even though it would be nice from time to time). You are strong, you are working on getting over him and you will. Your family and your friends will help you. One day, when you are over him and have learned to be happy with who you are, you will find love. And you will find a better love than you had, because you will be loved, not abused. And you will not be oversaturized nor smothered by somebody, because you will stand your own ground. When I read your posts I have a feeling that you will come out alright. It is hard, and you're going through so much, but you will find something good at the end of this journey. Can't you try to get the diplomas you need to work in your field? Or discover something else, something that you will also like but that is not tainted by memories of him? I'm applying for jobs all over the place and am beginning to suspect that what I do and the fact that I have "breasts" is the problem. I'm quite an assertive woman (I had to learn to be to not let a lot of guys walk all over me with my work. Ironic really when that's all that my partner did!) and I can see that a lot of men find me a bit intimidating. If I was a man, I honestly believe that I would have walked into any position I wanted by now. Maybe, maybe not. The facts are that I am able to, physically at least, only do so much, whereas a guy of my age is able to do so much more. So I'm at somewhat more of a disadvantage there. I know my work so well and when I talk to men, they look at me and say, "Oh, she does know what goes on." One thing I'm realising is that persistence may well be the key. And I'll have to tone down my act a bit because I obviously don't want to put people off by them thinking that I'm a smartarse. It pisses me off because I should be able to be proud to show the knowledge that I have and that I'd be an asset to a company. But, as the saying goes, "It's a mans', mans' world." And you are right. I need to find who I am without relying on the input of another for recognition. Nevermind, you sound like u r coming out the other side. I'm pleased for you. U keep strong too.
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