ARDriver01 Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 My girlfriend and I broke up over some irreconcilable differences. She hated one of my friends (for saying harsh things to her when they argued and she asked for more money than he owed her) and bullied me to get an apology out of him and I refused. I'm not that kind of person who throws his friends under the bus and I knew he wouldn't apologize anyway and I wasn't about to stop being his friend for it, so she packed her things and left. Here's where it really starts... Typically, she calls back reallizing the corner she put me in and wants to work it out. Five hours prior, I'm working through my emotions in break-up mode and now she bounces back. I said no. "You break up with me, then that's the decision you've made. I'm not a yo yo, coming back like this and offering to make ammends after you've packed up and left is borderline abusive." I wasn't mad. We talked and I told her that I can't be in a relationship like this. Yeah, it would be really easy to jump back to her and kiss and make up, but to have all this go down again in 1 or 2 months... Can't deal with that. It's too stressful. Waiting for next big explosion. I've been here before and I don't want to try to fix it, I know it only gets worse. She understood and the conversation went on to things like rent, utilities, where are you goin etc... Before we said bye, she was crying pretty bad. I turned off my phone and went to a friends house. When I left late last night, I went to my phone and hit the on key. Watching the screen as the little arrows recieve the information from the last four hours. My inbox fills up super fast with sad and longing text. She even left a message saying "Forest misses me baby" (her cat). She cried and begged for me to come back. She said she really effed up and wants to make it up to me. I don't do anything. Sticking to NC for life. I feel awful today. Like human refuse. I feel like a total jerk and I'm really feeling bad for her. I know she's hurting and I'm trying to ignore it on purpose. Its discusting how cold you can become. I apologize if this is all to cliche for you guys. This is the first time I've had to do this. My marriage was different. She cheated on me. The big thing that hurts me is that I do love and care for this girl. She's actually a very good girl. Very innocent, old fashioned sweet and loving... There are just too many differences of opinion. We don't really get along very well. She'll find someone eventually that needs direction and could use some bossiness. It's just not me. I told her that if she needs to think of me as an *******, than to do that. I am an *******. I'm doing the NC thing, she keeps texting me and calling. I feel awful. Totally awful. I never wanted to hurt someone like this.
Darkflower Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 I actually think you're doing the best and healthiest thing for both of you. You've spelled out for yourself what you need from a relationship (pretty much), and it's not something she seems capable of right now. If you are not contacting her just to be mean, then that's not good for YOU, let alone her. If you are not contacting her because you're afraid of making assurances you don't feel because of guilt, I think that's okay, and doesn't make you a bad person. I'm an advocate of closure e-mails or phone calls. The ones where you say you've given what you can give to a particular situation, and just can't give any more. No judgements, no recriminations, just that you need it to be over. I think you've said that, but maybe add that her repeated calling and texting isn't going to change anything, and might even make what ever shred of a chance there is for some future reconciliation even more remote. Tell her that maybe you both have issues that you need to work on, but that perhaps they are best worked on separately. Tell her that the e-mail or call you are having is going to be the last one for a while, because you need to get your bearings, and that no matter what she says or how often she messages you, there will be no reply. Maybe in a few weeks you can get some emotional distance (both of you), and talk about practical matters, like the cat. But for now, the stiff-arm is healthy, in my opinion.
Author ARDriver01 Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 I had to break the NC rule. Our apartment manager needed a signed letter indicating the new terms of the Lease and whos responsible. She called and I answered, she was all about the lease stuff and not the break up. Then she started texting again. She keeps asking me if I really can't be with her and what not. She tells me that she loves me. etc... etc... This is so painful. I can't turn off my phone because if something happens with the manager, she might try to call and when I don't pick up she might come over here! I can't see her. It would be disasterous. I'm feeling sick to my stomach, I'm so tired. Is there anyway to escape all of this? Will drinking make it worse? I'm afraid to go back to my apartment. It looks and smells like her, Sh**! this really sucks bad.
AGENT 99 Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 ARD, what do you want? Do you want to get back together? Do you want her to leave you alone? First figure out what you want to do.....THEN make a plan and stick with it. Right now I think it's too soon to make those decisions...so NC is probably best until you can. Emotions are controlling your G/F's actions....she knows she screwed up big time.....so definetely give it some time. Stick to your guns.
Author ARDriver01 Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 She texted me. "I left my key and door opener at your mom and dads for you. I love you." Yo, guys... I don't know if I can handle this. I don't think I've ever felt so much empathy for someonelse. This is WAY painful. I'm sticking to my guns for sure, but I don't know man. This seems so mean.
Author ARDriver01 Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 Can I buy her some kind of huge gift and thank her for loving me? No. No I know... But sh**.... Can you just throw someone away like this. I guess I have to but.... I'm loosing my mind. Again...Lol
kizik Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 Personally I don't think it's right to ignore someone. That's just rude, and yes, mean. I don't support that kind of advice. If you don't wanna be with her, make that clear to her. If she keeps bugging you, tell her you will have to go NC. Tell her you're not interested; this thing has run its course. If she still doesn't respect your wished for NC, I guess you WILL have to cut her off. But if people here are telling you to ignore her, I disagree.
sultry33 Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 i agree , if it feels bad then why do it? i hate nc, only if they have cheated i think it should be used.. i get upset so much when im being ignored.. i then text an say stuff which kinda makes it worse but if i was not ignored i would not ask questions.. like do you want to still meet up? if not just say... damn ignoring someone that meant loads to you is so unfair in my op if you need it to move on then just tell her..
Kellicakes Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 She texted me. "I left my key and door opener at your mom and dads for you. I love you." Yo, guys... I don't know if I can handle this. I don't think I've ever felt so much empathy for someonelse. This is WAY painful. I'm sticking to my guns for sure, but I don't know man. This seems so mean. Hi there, Just from the things you've said here, it seems like you still love this girl and that it's killing you to not talk to her. Are you sure you're making the right decision? Are you sure you don't want to be with this girl? It honestly sounds like you are pretty confused. Were you already thinking of ending the relationship prior to this argument? It doesn't sound like it was a huge blowup, and people have disagreements all of the time. Granted, she should not have been so hasty and dramatic in packing up all of her stuff and leaving, but IMO it doesn't sound like the problems are unfixable. Is it your pride that is getting in the way? Really look at that before you close the door on this relationship for good. I think you should talk to her and get some closure at least. For the both of you. NC is the best way to go if you know things are over.....but I'm hearing alot of uncertainty and confusion in your words. Just be sure, that's all I'm saying. good luck to you.
LikeCharlotte Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Just from the things you've said here, it seems like you still love this girl and that it's killing you to not talk to her. Are you sure you're making the right decision? Are you sure you don't want to be with this girl? ...but IMO it doesn't sound like the problems are unfixable. I agree with Kellycakes. Stress is only temporary.
Author ARDriver01 Posted May 29, 2008 Author Posted May 29, 2008 There have been some other blowups before this one. We got into it over faith and religion. She's gone off on me before threatening to leave over really little things. This was the third time she said she was packing her things. I've been in a relationship similar to that. Way worse, but similar where the girl always threatens to leave when she doesn't get what she wants from me and then she'll bounce back and be like: oh nevermind... I really cant deal with that kind of bullying. It's immature, manipulative and it doesn't work on me anymore because I see through it. When she went as far as she did this time, "The feeling to flee came suddenly. Panic crept up my spine." I must have sensed trouble... I got really scared of where I might be in a year and I paniced. I know that this the right move. She was texting me alot yesterday and I had to tell her "------, I have to turn my phone off now, try to see how long you can go without texting or contacting me, I know it sucks and it's hard but it's so much easier this way. I'm so sorry ------, I really am." She's actually taking it better than I thought she would.
Recommended Posts