Shoot me now... just figured out a lot about myself (jealousy)

[BearHugger]

I realized the source of our problems may be my own to deal with.

 

My jealousy has shot up from ZERO, and me being a completely confident woman with hardly any self esteem problems, to... 'I can't enjoy dinner conversation after watching his eyes gaze at attractive women passing by' I never used to think I was.... but I'll admit it now:

 

I am a very jealous person.

 

 

What the heck happened to me?

 

I can't blame him for anything. This is all me... and that time I asked him what his type is? (as far as women go) I set my own self up for that. I shouldn't have asked. Especially finding out his type is leggy tall brunettes with brown eyes, when I am brunette, but average height, average weight, average everything with blue eyes. He's really trying to work things out... but for some reason I just cannot keep my jealousy under control now.

 

I mean I don't say anything, I just get a bit quiet during dinner... and feel a little bad. I excuse myself to the bathroom and come back and try to act normal.

 

Nobody wants a jealous girlfriend who is developing a self image problem with herself.

 

I feel like my jealousy is ripping this relationship apart because usually by the end of the night he'll ask me "What's wrong?". He gets mad at me if I don't tell him, or go quiet.

 

I feel like our fighting is getting way out of hand, and our relationship is about to go down in flames. We are fighting more than we are not. We're sucking the life force out of each other, to the point where I can't remember the last time we said I love you to each other. We went from being very close to barely a hug at the end of the night.

 

I will take any advice I can get to just keep my cool. Any advice to just calm me down when I start feeling bad when we're out on a date. I'll take any sort of help...

 

 

 

PS. Did I mention I feel like I'm making a repeat of myself 3 years ago? Argh. lol. I don't want things to get ruined this time around.

[t_veron]

There may be more going on than just jealousy probably from your past. Everyone has some level of jealousy. There's no advice that will work for anyone and saying don't be jealous is just stupid. The only way to get through this is to tell him the truth and keep talking about it till your insecurities settle themselves down or both of you decide this isn't going to work. If you talk you have a 50/50 shot at things working out. If you don't talk and keep your gaurd up you two won't likely work out.

[skswzdm]

I almost feel silly replying to this, I struggle with jealousy frequently and am by no means an authority. But I know what works for me and I can humbly offer my suggestions because I know at least a little how you feel! First of all LS has been indispensable in my management of a destructive, poisonous, and "wasted" emotion. I read and read the endless scenarios that may or may not resemble my situation and try to incorporate some of the ideas and techniques into my thought process. I attempt to put myself in the poster's shoes and allow the emotions to flow, and then I drive out the negative with positive thinking like "the past doesn't matter", or "she can look, I do, we're programmed to do it", etc.

 

Speaking from the male standpoint, we are visual, much more so than women. I try like hell not to look sometimes when I'm with my SO, but I have to, men are hard wired to do so. I believe I look more silly trying and struggleing not to look, than to just look at the attractive woman, and then keep looking around at more people because I am a bit of a people watcher. You can't tell me, Bear, that you don't look too. It's perfectly natural and I'd think there was something wrong with you it you didn't. He looks, but I'm sure he still thinks you're the sex goddess of the universe regardless of what he sees. If he didn't look, he'd probably be driftwood sexually and there would be alot less chemistry between you two.

 

You have to decide to put it rest. He wants you, he has to look. He doesn't have to be rediculous about it, but you have to be secure in yourself. Yes he told you about his "type", but you got him. How'd you do that? Because he digs you, you do it for him, he will look but he wants you!!!

 

Also, do some things that build you confidence. This is of major importance!!!!!! This was very important for me. I am working out again, and back into some competitive hobbies that make me feel good about myself. Also, I'm back at driving the success of my business on the side, making more money and feeling more confident.

[soulseeker]

You know, I think it's nearly impossible to say, "ok, now I am done being jealous," and actually BE done with it. I think it's more like, "I'm not going to judge myself for being jealous when my bf looks at an attractive waitress." Just observe the feeling of being jealous in that moment. When I am able to just feel an emotion that I am trying to keep at a distance, it somehow defuses it. And I struggle with my emotions, I am held hostage by them at times. But really, baby steps.

 

I am hopeful that if I do this enough, I'll realize a few things:

 

Negative emotions wont hurt me.

 

How to use the emotions I experience, and not the other way around.

 

That I can, in fact, chose what emotion I want to experience in a given moment and embrace them all for what they are: information.

 

Judging myself for having an emotion creates a negative loop of feedback. Yuck!

[angie2443]

You know, I think it's nearly impossible to say, "ok, now I am done being jealous," and actually BE done with it. I think it's more like, "I'm not going to judge myself for being jealous when my bf looks at an attractive waitress." Just observe the feeling of being jealous in that moment. When I am able to just feel an emotion that I am trying to keep at a distance, it somehow defuses it. And I struggle with my emotions, I am held hostage by them at times. But really, baby steps.

 

I am hopeful that if I do this enough, I'll realize a few things:

 

Negative emotions wont hurt me.

 

How to use the emotions I experience, and not the other way around.

 

That I can, in fact, chose what emotion I want to experience in a given moment and embrace them all for what they are: information.

 

Judging myself for having an emotion creates a negative loop of feedback. Yuck!

 

This is great advice!